Christmas Presents for Grandchildren

apricity - "The parents had discussions with the children this year saying they could choose a very limited number of the gifts before they were unboxed and the rest would go to various charities as not only brand new items but still in their original packaging so they could be distributed later in the year as needed."

That sent shivers down my spine. It put me in mind of the film "Mommie Dearest" and how Christina Crawford was treated by her mother, Joan Crawford.

Probably three years ago I bought the presents requested for the twins by DD. It’s a financial struggle for me and I was pleased to have bought each twin the soft toy they wanted. They were very happy. Then the other GPs arrived with the biggest box of gifts. I don’t know how it fitted in the car. The happily laughed that there were more at home that they couldn’t bring. My DD was already fuming. The first presents opened were the exact ones I had bought. They had been told that I was buying them, but apparently were worried that I hadn’t and the twins would be disappointed. There were so many presents that they were still being opened the next day and two three year olds were bored with it all. Strong words were said, thankfully when I wasn’t there by my DD and her now XH. It’s never happened again. They have another DC now and I understand she gets the vast box of presents whilst my DC get one toy each. It’s definitely worth speaking out.

I only buy one present for each grandchild and a night before Christmas bag with new pyjamas a book for Christmas and some other things for the family

I'm glad to hear that your son-in-law exploded. She's his mother after all, and in your place I would stay right out of this and advice your daughter to leave it to her husband to deal with his mother, as he obviously has started.

In the young parents place, I would return as many gifts as possible to the shops where they were bought and get money back, which can be put into the children's accounts. Then allow the children to choose a suitable number of presents from that grandmother and simply hand the rest back stating that there is not room for them all in their house, so will she keep them for the children to play with at hers.

If handing them back isn't possible, then throw them out if charities or hospitals won't accept them.

Next year, if they are on speaking terms with your daughter's MIL they should simply ask her to pick one present out for each child and refuse to accept more.

I don’t understand this need to give so many presents. I give just one, usually, though this year I gave a small gift to be opened on Christmas Day, and took another with me when I saw the GChildren on 27th.
More is not better. More is clutter.

Kids get so much from everyone and it’s hard. Reading this made me feel very guilty of buying my grandkids too much this year as first Christmas actually with them. Son gave off to me for buying too much not just at Christmas but through my whole three week stay. Normally do just send money and it’s put in their bank accounts rather than presents. At end of days kids want your love and attention and not all the presents .Buying things does not buy love or as my son said the children’s respect in the long run.

We give each grandchild the same amount of money, in the form of gifts or gift cards. If parents let us know what they want us to buy, provided it is within the budget, we are happy to oblige. Whilst the kids enjoy opening a present on the day, they really love having their own money to spend too.

at boot sale ? money to charity of your or your children#s choice ?

HurdyGurdy, you have entirely misinterpreted the conversation and the intention. The very loved children chose the three items they wanted from the 'gift mountain' and understood that they would be sharing the remainder with other less fortunate children. Not even a whiff of Joan Crawford.
PS. Disclaimer. They are not my grandchildren.

My grandson aged 11 got from us : a new onesie (£11) as he’d outgrown his old one....a game for the children’s game console (£38)... a watch , his first (£15) ...his Beano annual (£5 )... £70 in all , and he was ‘over the moon’ with it all. Very easy to please boy. His sister aged 7 ( 3 days before Xmas) had.... a new onesie (tiger) ( £11 )....two books Stig of the Dump and Secret Lake ( £10)...an Operation game (£12)....a ‘build-it-yourself-dragon’...(£7).....and the inevitable game for children’s game console (£40). Much appreciated and loved it all. £150 on the two of them and I don’t think that’s OTT,...although of course granddaughters birthday just before Xmas makes life a little difficult ...hardly her fault!!

I bought my DGs lots of Lego this year as it seems to be the only toy they are interested in other than their 'gadgets'. The Lego will stay at my house where they spend time most days. They have loads of toys at their own house, too much according to DD. I took them for outings with the rest of the money which I would normally spend on toys. It seems to have worked out better for all. . I would be asking, no telling, that DG to keep at least some of the toys in her house.

she bought them she can keep them at her house for when the children visit

For goodness sake! Ask for the receipts & return them to the stores! Most stores are quite happy to do this, even giving out Christmas gift receipts. If MIL was asked for the receipts it would surely hammer home that the gifts are unwanted. Then bank the money for the children.
NB there are several children's' charities who will be delighted with new toys at any time of year

I tried diplomatically discussing this issue and that just made it worse and the excessive giver just gave more & bigger and painted me as a mean controlling mum who didnt want my kids to have nice things.

"Luckily" this person also misses the mark (and doesnt want suggestions) and gets the kids things they arent interested in. So now we just accept the gifts and let the girls pick out the bits they want to keep and pass on the rest. If I can I will sell bits for them so it goes towards things they want.

I'm pretty sure that women's refuges will appreciate any toys especially new ones. They can then decide whether to take them into the refuge or sell them to raise funds. The number of women and children who escape abuse with just the clothes on their backs is unbelievable. Also women's and children's clothes are much appreciated.

I'm pretty sure that women's refuges will appreciate any toy

No they don't.
People sometimes treat refuges as a dumping ground.
My local refuge service has no storage facilities so only wants what is needed at the time. I.e. if they are currently housing a lot of teens they won't want baby things etc

Sorry going a bit off topic, but it is an issue that people think that refuges (and homeless hostels) are always happy to take whatever people foist on them.
What they want/need changes and extra things are a problem not a help

Surely honour could be satisfied on all fronts if a visit took place to Granny's house perhaps on Christmas morning where all of her gifts could be opened while the grown ups have a little buffet lunch and the children get to play with the new toys. Then they could be allowed to choose a couple of toys to take back to their own house and the rest could stay at Granny's house for them to enjoy every time they visit. They could then go back home taking Granny with them to have a really late afternoon Christmas lunch.
When Granny has spent a year living with all of these extra toys in the house she will naturally moderate the quantities next year.

Apricity - from my recollection of the film, and reading Christina Crawford's biography, that's EXACTLY how Joan Crawford treated her and her brother. They received mountains of gifts, but were only allowed to choose one to keep and the rest went to charity. After the press had taken the photographs of the piles of gifts, of course

My recollection may be incorrect, of course.

May I suggest that there are outlets other than charity shops, at least where I live but I think it's worth enquiring.

We have food banks across the city and quite often they are looking for good clothing and toys as well as tinned and packet foods.

Of course, you could keep them all and wait until November 2019 and then approach charity shops who'd be more than happy to take them. A good lesson for the children too in considering people less well off than themselves.

Thats only okay if the kids dont want them. As I said Im "lucky" in that my problem gift giver missjudges things by miles so the kids dont want most of it.

But if its things they DO want (just too much or impractical) then its problematic to take their gifts off them once theyve been given

you can always say i think these ones would be better left at your home ,as we dont have the room right now. smile sweetly..and then our children have our presents ,maybe two small ones from you, and the rest can stay at your home. thats how it works with my gc ,they both had bikes(second hand) and they stay at my flat in the spare bedroom as mum hasnt got the room for them. end of story. or you could say ty for the gifts but i think i will donate them to the local nursery as they are far too big for our home.

Its not about gifts is it? Why should children be overwhelmed and refuges have to take unwanted stuff?

It's about boundaries. It will go on and on until somebody makes it crystal clear. Having made it clear, then refuse to play the game.

I wonder about her criticism that DD and SIL had given the children "too much stuff".

I hope she is not trying to become the only person who gives toys. That would not be good.

I know how they feel.

We live in a flat with no garden or outside space yet my MIL insists on buy large crap for outdoor play like tents.

She also does this horrible thing where she'll buy DD something she loves and says "but this is for at nanny's house"

We don't visit her often so DD gets upset she can't take it home and MIL moans ot doesn't get played with!

It's about boundaries. It will go on and on until somebody makes it crystal clear. Having made it clear, then refuse to play the game.

I found that bringing up the issue and stating our boundaries just made things worse. Turns out it was a bit of a power play because when I pretended to be grateful and not bothered the gift bags did reduce A BIT and stopped containing things which I had explicitly said the girls weren't allowed (i.e. smartphones and things like that)