Husband left her

Houseseller, unfortunately there happens to be an awful lot of men who don't possess a conscience ! I feel sorry for your SD's situation.

Any legal representation will decide on visiting rights and not when it's convenient for the father of the children.

If he doesn't contest the divorce, he shouldn't because he was the one who left but my ex did, you can get divorced pretty cheaply on line, certainly less than a grand for legal services, court fees remain the same. I'd say she probably needs a separation order which sets everything down as it may take 2 years of separation before they can divorce and she can't live in limbo in the mean time but online divorce bods can do that too. That might give the ex the kick up the butt he deserves.
There is all sorts of factual info online so just google online divorce services and see what comes up.

The separation order will give her time to come up with the funds for the divorce at the very least.

Get proper legal advice. I believe that father is still responsible for ensuring children have a home to live in.

He can say that the MILs house is just that. (And have the MIL watch the kids on "his" watch) so that he gets all the universal credits, child benefit AND maintenance from his ex.

He wouldnt be the first to go for a 60:40 split so that he got all the money and owed the ex nothing, whilst leaving his DM or new girlfriend to mind the kids on his 4 days

What a sad situation and even worse when her own parents are not interested in helping even on an emotional level, I understand that not everyone can help financially but support doesn’t have to involve money!

My own family have been through issues in the past year , my son and Dil especially which led me to joining this forum in the first place. We supported our son while he got the help he needed but we also 100% were there for our DIL and grandaughter and although thankfully they are back on track and very happy now we would have always been there for them all no matter what.

I truly hope the MIL continues her support and the young lady in question is able to salvage something from this, totally spineless to walk away from a mess you have created and even more so to run back to your mum!

Really feel for the poor love

Houseseller I hope you can come back in a few months and tell us there's a good outcome to all this.

She's well rid of such an irresponsible man. I can't thing his Mum is too proud of him, even if she is giving him temporary lodgings. She may prove to be an ally. I hope so.

I would suggest getting onto the council house waiting list. It might take a few years but she’ll have quite a lot of ‘points’ with the three little ones. Tell her to consider herself ‘liberated’ no longer does she have to fund his hobbies!!

Be mindful of debt companies who charge for their services to help settle debts!! I can recommend capuk.org/ who are so understanding and give one to one support in the home or meeting for a coffee. You don’t have to have a faith to use their services, they just help!! Also look at the website www.turn2us.org.uk/ for help and advice on benefits and how much she might be entitled to.
Above all else please give her a big hug from me and things will get better xx

I use to work for Citizen Advice and they are excellent at helping in theses cases.

Trying not to pay maintenance is quite common.
When it comes to buying essentials for kids, get it in writing that he will pay her a fixed amount of money every month, rather than he or MiL buy the stuff.
Regarding 50-50 split, I think it's overnights that count, rather than days spent.
Can she get a more stable/permanent job?
Can her half-sister sister be the conduit to family support?

If the house tenancy is in joint names the husband is still liable to help with the rent. She will have to be careful in informing the letting agent as they may well decide that on her own she can't afford the rent and start eviction proceedings.
She needs to apply for benefits as soon as possible as these can take weeks to set up.
She should also be very careful with having 50:50 care as she will lose child benefit, which in turn makes it harder to claim benefits.

Has he actually moved out? Does she now have control of that credit card? I think this young man thinks he can cosily live at his mum's while his wife works and Mum looks after the children.
And she doesn't have parents to fight her corner.
She might be better off on UC with child allowance and housing benefit and being able to be with the little ones.

There's lots of good advice been given here.
I just wanted to comment on EllenVannin's post where she presumed the £800 per month rent for a house was in London. When I saw the £800 I thought how cheap it was and definitely not in London. That is quite cheap for anywhere in the south east and London would be at least double that. Housing Benefit does not cover full rent for most private rented properties.

Moira, you are quite right she lives in the North.

I would recommend a chat with Step Change for debt advice, they are a charity & will deal with creditors direct & will only agree a weekly/monthly amount after going through a budget, this is always set at a reasonable sum that is sustainable.

Advice regarding benefits is essential, it may be better if she gave up work or Working Tax Credit may boost her Income, I'm out of touch with how some of the benefits work, Universal Credit pulls six benefits under one umbrella. Contact the local Council re Council Tax & Housing Benefit, do all these things asap. Also get advice about Separation or Divorce

One other thing I'd like to add to all the excellent advice on here, the mother in question should immediately go to the council, housing association etc and put her name down on a housing list for social housing. It might become necessary, if her current landlord decides to evict her for arrears. HB will pay most of her rent, not all of it, so she will be responsible for the shortfall, likewise CTB, you still have to pay 20% a month.
Priorities are - Rent, Council Tax, Utilities, Food and Clothing. All else can be sorted once the dust settles.

She needs to contact the Citizens' Advice Bureau and ask specifically for a benefits appointment. They will spend as long as it takes, to go through everything with her, and will ensure that she is claiming all the help she is entitled to.

They should also be able to help with the debt situation.

If the children's father does take her to court for a Child Arrangement Order, they will need to do mediation before they reach the Court stage, so hopefully the needs of the children will be kept to the forefront, and the adults don't engage in point scoring against each other.

A horrid situation to be in, but your friend really does need professional help. She may say she can't afford a solicitor, but that may well be money well spent, and result in her future finances being far more positive. Can she afford not to see a solicitor?

Sit down with your daughter and make a budget, detailing her earnings, how much she pays in Income tax and all her expenditure. And I mean ALL - if she doesn't already do so, she needs to keep all supermarket chits for a month, so she knows how much food, toiletries etc. she needs for a month.

Then make a list of all her debts. ´Get her to phone her bank and ask for an appointment with an advisor and go with her to that appointment. She need to get the bank to help her work out how she can get out of debt. Usually, a bank employee who phones on her account to a credit card company or other creditors can get a better scheme in place than she will be able to.

Depending on how much debt she is in, it may take a long time to clear it, but the sooner she starts the sooner she will be out of debt. If possible, try to get the creditors to allow her to pay off part of the interest and part of the principal simultaneously, as that way the compound interest will decrease as the principal decreases.

I believe some charities have financial advisors too, if your daughter can't afford to pay for a chartered accountant's advice.

I hope you and she manage to find a solution to the financial difficulties.

You don't mention whether you could afford to help her, but if you can and will, please find a way of drawing up some legal agreement with her, otherwise her benefits may be reduced.

When this is being sorted make sure any maintenance is index linked or agreed that it will be reviewed (say) annually. I got very badly stung many years ago and had to go back to court to get payments reviewed to match the increasing cost of living. It was a very expensive mistake!

grandtanteJE65. Thank you for your comments, as I mentioned previously she is not my granddaughter or related to me. My daughter lived with her father for a few years. I don’t live near her but am forwarding relevant advice to her.

A dreadful situation ..... Just wondering whether the husband is in full time employment. Also does she currently receive housing benefit.

Rather than citizens advice, I think I would go to local council offices to speak to someone re housing. Mediation is definitely needed but not sure if this is means tested.

Sorry I don't have any real advice. As someone else said about her soon to be 'ex' .... What a prize!

Good luck with everything

It's the nights that count, not the days so using your mother-in-law for childcare should not impact on maintenance if it is daytime care. You will also be able to claim towards the cost of childcare through the tax system if the MIL cuts up rough.
You really do need good financial advice when in this situation and the Citizens Advice people are wonderful at this. The benefits office don't usually offer advice as to what you can claim but the CAB do have somebody who knows all about it.

Yes ...excellent advice on here ...go asap to CAB ..they may have (my daughter is a lawyer, and when she did her training she had to spend some time at the law centre run by them ...it is all free) also, find out which local solicitor specialising in divorce can give an initial appointment free ..and ?not sure if legal aid is still available ? she should ask CAB about this, as well as debt counselling ...and the debt counsellor may well be able to look through all her finances (take all bills, rent statements, bank statement, child credit and child benefits, all outgoings, and income ) the landlord may be able to help instead of repossessing the property ...but she needs to URGENTLY go to the CAB initially .......as for the Credit card statement also ask CAB ...they may agree to take a small payment but will probably want the card back. My ex husband did a very similar thing, but luckily for me I was actually working for a divorce lawyer at the time ....I had to leave and find another job (which I did, at another solicitors) because he could not work for me whilst I was working for him ......all sortedout in the end, even though I had to move 250 miles away and put my daughter into a different school ...we lived in London and when we moved she had to get used to going toa state school (she was 8) and learning to speak in an entirely different language (in Nottinghamshire) but she loved it ...and fortunately there were two other new girls one from Norfolk and one from Yorkshire and they all became friends (still are, as far as I know !)////good luck

It's the nights that count, not the days so using your mother-in-law for childcare should not impact on maintenance if it is daytime care

It will if they are encouraged to stay on to spend the evening with dad.

He will be getting his own advice and his solicitor will advise in his interest only & he will be advised to go for 60:40 rather than 50:50.

Usually both sides get advised to go for the 60%, and if they both fight it it settles at 50/50. (And no one pays maintenance) But you have to be ready to fight and be ready for THEM to fight and to start encouraging and incenticising the children to stay on and sleep over 4 nights.

The courts prefer a 50:50 these days if both parents are keen, so if he is keen to have the kids she cannot rely on getting any maintenance and needs to be prepared for him demanding maintenance from her.

Likewise the child benefit and child element of universal credits