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husband swore in front of dil and grandson

(40 Posts)
PINKY57 Tue 29-Jan-19 21:35:22

My husband had too much to drink the other day and said to my son that my grandson was hyper -he is only 9 months old and that he should teach him how to behave,- the argument escalated and they were both swearing at each other. my dil said to me the following day that she does not want her son exposed to such language, I am scared she will keep him away from me and not come to our house,

PINKY57 Wed 30-Jan-19 08:40:25

Thank youAnja ,yes my son knows what his dad is like,I will have a long chat with him and dil.I told Dh I will never forgive if dil stops me seeing my grandson.

megan123 Wed 30-Jan-19 08:47:15

I am so sorry Pinky to hear what happened. Drink is the ruination of so much. As others have suggested I would speak with your son and daughter in law, you still need contact with your darling grandson.

Good luck with everything.

EllanVannin Wed 30-Jan-19 09:04:16

The Demon drink strikes again.
Unless they both curb their drinking it'll just go on and will escalate as the years go by. It has to be nipped in the bud if they can't hold their drink.

megan123 Wed 30-Jan-19 09:16:21

Absolutely right Ella. I grew up with it.

notanan2 Wed 30-Jan-19 09:28:33

There are two issues here:

1. The grandchild. Offer to visit them alone, accept that your home environment does not sound suitable for a child.

2. You sound like you are in an abusive relationship. I can't begin to offer solutions for how you can reconcile your cultural restraints with keeping yourself emotionally safe. Counselling wont work because it is not you who is causing the problem. Can you seek out a domestic abuse service/support that is targeted specifically at Asian women?

eazybee Wed 30-Jan-19 09:41:59

You can't blame your daughter in law for refusing to bring her child to your house, in view of his grandfather's appalling behaviour.
Focus on maintaining your relationship with her and your son and visit them in their house, without your husband. Above all, you don't want to risk exposing your grandson to another drunken tirade.

notanan2 Wed 30-Jan-19 09:47:40

Google brings up several Asian Domestic Abuse helplines, some are regional and others are religion specific so dont know which applies to you, but please give one a call, you could do it confidentially, because it sounds like you are under a lot of emotional strain x

Cold Wed 30-Jan-19 10:01:24

It sounds as though the problem started when your DH was aggressive towards a 9 month old - what on earth did your DH mean by "teach him how to behave"? That sounds like a threat of violence/hitting to me and I would not expose by baby to that.

Your husband behaved appallingly and I would not blame DIL for not wanting to be around that. Has he sincerely apologised? Can you go to see the baby without your husband?

GrannyGravy13 Wed 30-Jan-19 10:04:45

PINKY57, sorry this must be very upsetting for you.

I think the alcohol consumption is more the problem than bad language use.

Is is possible for you to see your son and his family without your husband?

Please try to keep the communications open between you and your daughter-in-law.

Take care of yourself.

Bibbity Wed 30-Jan-19 19:08:42

Your son and daughter were right to remove themselves and their baby from your house.

They would be right to not step a foot back in there again.

Your husband is the massive problem here so stop trying to vilify your daughter in law who sounds like she has her child’s best interests at heart.

Your son may decide he can have a healthy relationship with you separate from your husband.

Or he may decide that your are to enmeshed with him. Especially if you keep trying to blame your DIL.

You have decisions to make.

agnurse Wed 30-Jan-19 19:10:34

A 9-month-old baby isn't really capable of being "hyper". You can't really discipline a child that young with any degree of success.

I can completely understand your DIL not wanting her child around someone who has too much to drink and swears at him.

As PPs have said, I suspect there could well be more to this story.

If you want to see your GS, you may find it easier to see him at DS and DIL's house without your husband present.

Tangerine Wed 30-Jan-19 20:09:49

Sounds as if your husband started it but your son seems to be to blame as well.

I do feel sorry for you and hope all turns out well.

grandtanteJE65 Thu 31-Jan-19 15:51:52

Too much to drink is always a problem, irrespective of the culture you belong to.

My knowledge of Asian cultures leads me to believe that your DIL will have been brought up to respect you, so in your place I would invite her for a cup of tea or coffee someplace in town with the baby. Tell her then that you don't like the thought of a child being exposed to drunk adults or swearing. Perhaps the two of you together can get your menfolk to behave better!

A quiet word on your own to your son might help too.

muffinthemoo Thu 31-Jan-19 15:59:14

Arrange to see your grandson at your DIL's home.

A nine month old cannot be brought round to visit someone who gets pished and starts cursing up a storm at the baby and his father.

You make arrangements to see the baby, without your husband tagging along, at your DIL's house. I think this will solve the problem re the baby.

The problem re your husband is that he clearly finds this behaviour completely acceptable to inflict on his family. I echo those posters above who are suggesting culturally sensitive helplines.

Good luck.