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My son hurt his partner

(66 Posts)
GrandmainOz Fri 22-Feb-19 00:58:12

I had to rescue my son's partner and young GC last night and bring them to my home.
It's not the first time my son has been abusive and this time it was physical. GC witnessed it.
Son's partner terrified. She's from another country. All her family and friends are there.
I believe my son is dangerous.
I have booked flights for partner and GC and am about to drive them to airport.
I have not told my son.
I am betraying him in the most enormous way. But I believe in my heart I have to put this young woman and GC first. He's said and done vile things. This is not the loving son I raised.
Please, I need reassurance that I'm doing the right thing. I'm afraid it will cost me my relationship with my son and of course my GC is going away.
Son's partner home country is short haul flight and she has said Son can visit, she won't stop him seeing the child.
She will contact him to this effect once safely with her family.
I'm in such a terrible state. Please tell me I'm right to protect the vulnerable over my own AC

Nanabilly Sat 23-Feb-19 15:37:15

I think you should be applauded for taking evasive action like you did . So a huge well done from me and if ever one of my sons did the same I hope I would act just as you did.
If your son distances himself from you because of what you did then it will be due to his shame but it sounds as if that's not happened so hopefully he might go get counselling he needs for his anger management at least.
I hope by now you know for sure that what you did was definitely the right thing to do and you must have certainly gained some respect from the dil and her family for how you dealt with it and by putting her and the child s safety first before your son.

GrandmainOz Sat 23-Feb-19 12:54:14

Thanks all. I think exhaustion has hit after the panic. Wiped out! Have had a message from son's partner with photo of GC and her mother has asked me if we can work together so GC can see both parents. I will work hard to keep those channels open.
So far she hasn't let Son have a video call with GC but on my advice he hasn't pressed that and is going to politely txt that request tomorrow.
I must stress he has been a loving, hands on father. A very bad partner but always good with the child.
When I saw him today he showed me the injury he received in the altercation between him and partner. Obviously he should have held back from ANY physical contact. But I did check her for injuries when I brought her to my home and she didn't have a mark on her.
My son's explanation of the night plus some of the girl's mother's comments to me today...well I'm starting to think there may be undiagnosed mental issues with both parties and they both need professional medical input.
I'm glad the other grandmother has GC at her home. She will be able to keep a close watch on how he is faring.
I will see my son again tomorrow. My fear is that he will start drinking. He needs to focus on his child and not fall down that hole. This is no time for self pity, but for reflection and resolution. If he wants to see child he must show exemplary behaviour in my view.
Thankyou all for listening to my long posts.
Going to try to sleep now moon

Foxyloxy Sat 23-Feb-19 11:04:47

OMG, what an awful experience for you. PERFECT! You have done absolutely the right thing. Every Dr’s Surgery is supposed to have a Dr or Practioner who deals with Pysciological issues, discussing this incident and any others, might help you to make informed decisions. If he was a ‘loving’ son, and has not exhibited violent/agressive tendencies before, their might be health issues/money worries/involvement with someone else.

megan123 Sat 23-Feb-19 10:01:50

GrandmaOz flowers you have done the right thing. Rest yourself now xx

Cherrytree59 Sat 23-Feb-19 09:52:41

GOZ appologies missed a page out with your update.
Hope you will be able to visit your grandchild very soon and skype when ever possible. Xx

Cherrytree59 Sat 23-Feb-19 09:46:01

Hope all gone according to plan GrandmainOz safety first.

But if you are in Australia, I would think a short haul flight must mean somewhere closer than UK.

If children born in Australia they will be Australian citizens and there could be some problems to face in the near future.

Good luck thanks

Purpledaffodil Sat 23-Feb-19 09:18:14

Well done! As the mother of two large sons, I hope I would have your mental strength GrandmainOz if I were in that position. flowers

Susan56 Sat 23-Feb-19 09:01:55

GrandmainOz,I think you are amazing and thoroughly deserve the praise.As M0nica says how many violent acts could have been prevented if other parents were able to be as honest as you have been over your son.💐

harrigran Sat 23-Feb-19 07:56:57

GrandmainOz well done flowers

M0nica Sat 23-Feb-19 07:07:14

Now is the time for you to sit back and rest.How much violence and, even murders would be stopped if more parents were able to be as honest as you have been over your son, whom you clearly love, but are not blind to his faults flowers

GrandmainOz Fri 22-Feb-19 23:54:51

Plus I don't think those are even metaphors! I think I'm a bit delirious from all the shock and worry. Sorry

GrandmainOz Fri 22-Feb-19 23:39:44

And you wouldn't want to bury your head in the sand with your eyes wide open! What a mix of metaphors. Idiot!! smile

GrandmainOz Fri 22-Feb-19 23:36:50

Thankyou again everyone. I don't think I deserve praise. The girl didn't have a mother here, so I simply tried to be that person for a little while and protect her. I adore my son but my eyes are wide open. I'm not one to bury my head in the sand.
I joined GN as I have become so isolated and lonely since other AC death. Boy, am I glad I took that step! You ladies are wonderful.
Despite my name I am British and miss my home and family. I am the matriarch here and the one everybody turns to. And since my mother died recently I don't even have her weekly calls and emails, always with encouragement and support from afar.
Thankyou for your sorely needed input, all of you flowers

grannyactivist Fri 22-Feb-19 23:21:46

I just a wrote a long post, but it's disappeared into the ether! Grr!
Anyway, I just wanted to say that your actions in helping his mum will hopefully mean that you can continue to develop a relationship with your grandson via Skype or Facetime in the future. You have demonstrated your compassionate heart at great cost to yourself GrandmainOz - well done. flowers

BlueBelle Fri 22-Feb-19 23:04:20

What a sensible and caring person you are I am so glad you and your son have spoken and that he understands his role in this and it sounds as if as you say they were both the wrong people to be together He sounds a damaged man through his loss of a sibling I hope you can talk him into some counselling or help of some kind and that he can stop the heavy drinking There sounds a lot more hope and perhaps they will be better friends apart, than lovers together. You will miss your grandchild but I m sure you will have a good relationship with him even if more miles are between you
You have probably saved three lives with your bravery
Good luck Grandmainoz

Marydoll Fri 22-Feb-19 22:54:02

GrandmainOz, you have my utmost admiration. 💐

GrandmainOz Fri 22-Feb-19 22:51:06

Also, sorry, me again. No drugs involved. But I DO think Son drinks too much (which I have tried to talk to him about) and I believe he has anger management issues. We as a family have had a terrible time since the death of another AC a few years ago. Not an excuse but it has affected each of us strongly in different ways. Son needs therapy IMO.Wish he had help before it came to this. But he wouldn't listen to me. He is such a huge loud man that he can be very scary just by raising his voice. He can't help his size and volume, it's the attitude that needs to change

GrandmainOz Fri 22-Feb-19 22:22:21

Thankyou so much to everyone for your advice and support. I can't tell you how grateful I am.
Young lady and GC now safely with her family. I have spoken to her and also to her own mother who is very thankful and has been very sensible.
We made a phone call to local police who basically said my son didn't have a leg to stand on as they would arrest him for domestic abuse if he approached them. We also saw the GP and had the situation recorded in GC's notes before they left.
I have spoken to Son. I have lied about my involvement with the flit which I feel terrible about, but it seems the only way.
Partner contacted Son earlier, explained in a message her reasons for leaving, and said she was willing to arrange regular video calls and visits with GC notwithstanding her wish that the relationship ends now.
My son is in shock but tells me he knows he behaved terribly. It seems he "snapped" and he is full of remorse and accepts the relationship has ended as a result. They have both told me separately they only stayed together because she became pregnant. They are wildly unsuited, both volatile and extremely impatient and I have witnessed so much shouting and name calling on both sides.
This is not to excuse anything, just explaining what it's been like.
I think we're all still in shock. I am of the view now that I may have prevented the situation escalating to the point where my son may have done something we could never forgive. So I am at peace with my role, although she sad it's ended like this . Horrible saying goodbye to little GC but I know his mother's family are good, loving people so that's a bonus in this sadness.
Thankyou ALL again

Bibbity Fri 22-Feb-19 22:19:27

I am not defending him. I am really hoping that the DIL is covering herself to ensure that her and her children are protected from him. Unfortunately in regards to the law men can use the legal system to continue to abuse their partners and children.

starbird Fri 22-Feb-19 22:16:53

A girl has gone go stay with her parents without telling her partner. I assume they are not Moslems ( where getting man’s permission may be obligatory).

Assuming they have got away by now, my concern is for mum. Son appears to have uncontrolled anger or drug problems and is violent. I hope GrandmainOz does not live alone or at least can go to a friend’s house.

Of course we don’t know the other side - possibly there is provocation, but that would not justify physical violence. Either way I admire op for her actions - a clean break, DIL back to parents - who doesn’t want their mum if they’ve been beaten up? The alternative might have been a woman’s refuge, but it sounds as though she is not too far away so he can go and talk it over with her in the safety of her parents’s home.

Bibbity Fri 22-Feb-19 21:43:10

I disagree. I would say that getting legal advice needs to be their most urgent matter.

Jalima1108 Fri 22-Feb-19 21:14:55

I don't think that they need worry about that, quite frankly.

Bibbity Fri 22-Feb-19 21:12:29

Yes. Without the permission of the father and without a return date. It may not go to the extremes of the children being removed immediately but he would very easily have a court demanding that she bring the children back to their father very very soon.

Jalima1108 Fri 22-Feb-19 21:09:32

However the child abduction would very easily be proven straight away.

This is a mother taking her child to her home country.

Jalima1108 Fri 22-Feb-19 21:08:42

As the mother, GrandmainOz would be an extremely credible witness if it came to that, which I hope she will not have to do.