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My son hurt his partner

(65 Posts)
GrandmainOz Fri 22-Feb-19 00:58:12

I had to rescue my son's partner and young GC last night and bring them to my home.
It's not the first time my son has been abusive and this time it was physical. GC witnessed it.
Son's partner terrified. She's from another country. All her family and friends are there.
I believe my son is dangerous.
I have booked flights for partner and GC and am about to drive them to airport.
I have not told my son.
I am betraying him in the most enormous way. But I believe in my heart I have to put this young woman and GC first. He's said and done vile things. This is not the loving son I raised.
Please, I need reassurance that I'm doing the right thing. I'm afraid it will cost me my relationship with my son and of course my GC is going away.
Son's partner home country is short haul flight and she has said Son can visit, she won't stop him seeing the child.
She will contact him to this effect once safely with her family.
I'm in such a terrible state. Please tell me I'm right to protect the vulnerable over my own AC

stella1949 Fri 22-Feb-19 01:35:09

You've done the absolute right thing. Your grandchild and his mother need protection and you are giving it.

I wouldn't agree that you are "betraying" your son. He has betrayed himself by abusing those who loved him . You say yourself that he is dangerous.

I know it is hearbreaking to have to face the fact that your own son - the boy you raised - has come to this horrible outcome. Something must have gone terribly wrong. But if other people are going to suffer from his actions, you are doing the right thing to protect them.

This may or may not make your son wake up to what he has done - but at least you have given protection to your little grandson and his mother.

Sending hugs to you - it must be so painful .

GrandmainOz Fri 22-Feb-19 01:45:21

stella1949thankyou so much for responding. You've said exactly what I needed to hear. I think I just needed one voice of reason to cut through my distress. We're packing now, leaving very shortly. I'm doing the right thing and will face the consequences knowing this. Thanks again

stella1949 Fri 22-Feb-19 06:03:19

Best wishes GrandmainOz .

Anja Fri 22-Feb-19 06:19:26

That done you need to have words with your son and see if he can get help to sort his anger issues. You’ve done the right thing, but can you be sure that your son won’t pursue his partner or do the same in a future relationship?

Ginny42 Fri 22-Feb-19 06:23:17

Getting them to safety is a priority and absolutely the right thing to do. Do stay safe yourself. If he is prone to violence he may see your actions as interfering. Don't hesitate to call the police if he becomes violent towards you. Best to be safe.

You are being so strong. Full of admiration for you. x

BlueBelle Fri 22-Feb-19 06:30:32

Very very brave thing to do and a huge sacrifice on your part I have to take my hat off to you that was a monumental thing to have to do and I think you did exactly the right thing you must be shaking
Please please take care, your son will be like a caged tiger with them gone out of his life and his control
I hope your daughter in law takes great care if he does visit them he may try anything in desperation

Is your son on steroids or any kind of drugs as it sounds as if his character has changed dramatically

You have my admiration and thoughts please take care x🌷

NfkDumpling Fri 22-Feb-19 06:52:39

You're doing the right, and very brave thing. Take care.

Susan56 Fri 22-Feb-19 07:06:49

You have done the right thing.I think you have shown amazing strength and courage.As others have said please protect yourself too.Be safe and take care💐

ginny Fri 22-Feb-19 07:07:17

Yes, of course you are doing the right thing. Hopefully you will be able to maintaina good relationship with your GC and his/her mother.

dragonfly46 Fri 22-Feb-19 07:17:30

Yes you did the right thing. I admire your courage. I am also worried for your safety. You say your son is dangerous, please do not get into a situation where he will hurt you.

annep1 Fri 22-Feb-19 07:32:59

I believe you did the right thing. But please be careful as others have said. And perhaps let us know how son reacts.

Harris27 Fri 22-Feb-19 07:35:36

You have done the right thing and out of best interest for you God and her mother. I have three sons and God forbid if I were I that situation I hope I would if done the same thing. Stay calm and stay safe do not hesitate to get help if you feel you are in danger .

agnurse Fri 22-Feb-19 07:41:47

I'm going to disagree slightly here. Let me explain.

Absolutely, your son did the wrong thing. Absolutely, they need to be safe.


Depending on the laws in your area, it may not be legal for her to just take the child and leave. She could be charged with parental abduction.

She needs to see a solicitor ASAP to explain what's happened and look into legal ramifications.

Esspee Fri 22-Feb-19 07:47:49

flowers. What a supportive mother-in-law you are.
I hope everything works out well.

Urmstongran Fri 22-Feb-19 07:53:23

Shocking to read and even more so to be part of the drama I expect. I do very much admire what you have done GrandMainOz you must be so upset now on several levels. I too wondered if your son has been using illegal substances?
Wishing you all the best outcome here.

TwiceAsNice Fri 22-Feb-19 07:59:56

Well done ! So distressing for you but absolutely you have done the right thing. As a survivor of an abusive relationship my daughter, as an adult, still remembers how awful her father was before I left

mcem Fri 22-Feb-19 08:04:42

I see what agnurse is saying, but even if it comes to that (which I doubt) things would have to be handled rationally and in a legal context, not in the face of violence.
You have done exactly what you had to do. Facing up to such a difficult situation was very courageous. Stay strong and look after yourself too.

Marydoll Fri 22-Feb-19 08:07:52

You had to do this before, before anyone hurt.
No, you have not betrayed your son, he is an adult and responsible for his own behaviour..
Your wee grandchildren have to be kept safe.
It was a very brave decision you made and I admire you for being so strong, when you must be hurting so badly. flowers

sodapop Fri 22-Feb-19 08:08:18

Grandmaoz You are not betraying anyone, you are protecting your vulnerable family. When they are safe you can look at getting help for your son. You are such a brave lady, I salute you. Please keep yourself safe and let us know you are ok.

MissAdventure Fri 22-Feb-19 08:27:11

Absolutely the right thing to do.
Regardless of who is the perpetrator, its always right to step in when there is abuse. thanks

B9exchange Fri 22-Feb-19 08:45:45

Hopefully by now they are in the air and heading for safety with her family. You bravely took the only route open to you to protect them, but I do worry about your son's reaction when he finds out. Do you have neighbours you could call on for help if he is violent to you also? Perhaps alcohol came into play here, there is often a link?

It is a terrible position for any parent to discover their adult child has physically and mentally hurt someone, please take some small crumb of comfort in the support coming across to you here. Could you perhaps go away for a few days without telling you son where, whilst he absorbs the fact that they have gone? We can't give you physical hugs, but we would if we could!

megan123 Fri 22-Feb-19 08:59:20

What a dreadful position you found yourself in GrandmaOz but you have done the right and bravest thing. You have thought about the safety of your grandchild and your daughter in law and that was paramount. Keep safe and look after yourself flowers

GrannyGravy13 Fri 22-Feb-19 09:08:58

I think you have acted with your heart and in this instance totally correctly.

Keep yourself safe, your son will most probably be distraught and angry when he realises his child and partner have gone.

Bibbity Fri 22-Feb-19 09:26:33

Firstly, well done for being such a strong woman that you put them above your son. There needs to be more like you.

Secondly. Please please please get her legal advice in the UK ASAP
Your son could have the child returned to his custody. Has she reported any of the abuse to the police? Is it documented anywhere?