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Moving on

(43 Posts)
Crazygran Mon 25-Mar-19 22:29:37

Hi,I have been lucky enough to meet a wonderful man.
We are both early 60’s have one adult child each.
We would like to live together in the near future but are both cautious as we don’t want to complicate things for our kids in future.
Does anyone have a similar experience,how do we go forward ?

stella1949 Tue 26-Mar-19 01:40:11

I moved in with my partner when I was 60 and he was 71. I had two adult children who were in their 30's, and he had three of a similar age.

We didn't allow there to be any complications - we both felt that "life is too short to put up with nonsense" . Our children live in two different cities ( very far apart) so there was no idea of getting them all together . We just invited them to have a meal with us , separately, and let them know that we were now a couple .

My daughter was a bit dramatic about it , along the lines of "you must be having a mid life crisis Mum ! " but my son was fine about it . His sons were told by phone, and were / are pretty blasé about it ( probably since they don't see him much anyway).

My advice would be, don't let the kids affect your decision . They are adults, and can live their own lives freely....same with you. Don't let them make a big fuss about it . When my daughter got dramatic , I went and had lunch alone with her a few times and told her firmly that DP and I are a couple and will remain so. She came around, and is now DP's biggest fan.

Good luck to you - life is short and you take your happiness when you can.

Anja Tue 26-Mar-19 06:49:56

Advice, take things slowly.

Crazygran Tue 26-Mar-19 07:16:22

Thank you.

DanniRae Tue 26-Mar-19 07:57:34

Brilliant advice stella - It reminded me of when Prince Charles told his family that he was going to marry Camilla. He simply said that it was "non-negotiable". And that was that, as they say! smile

Sar53 Tue 26-Mar-19 08:06:14

We met when I was 54 and he was 52, nearly 11 years ago. We both have 2 daughters and now have 10 grandchildren between us. We got married 2 months ago.
All our girls are happy, we are called nan and granddad by all the grandchildren.
We didn't rush into living together, had a long distance relationship for 2 years.
I hope, like us, that you will be very Happy together. You only have one life and your children are adults enjoy what you have.

FountainPen Tue 26-Mar-19 08:06:58

Complicate things how?

sodapop Tue 26-Mar-19 08:19:25

Yes, same here we have been happily married now for 15 years. Our adult children don't live near each other so have not met up. There is no reason why adult children should complicate things, they need to know they are always welcome to visit etc. Our adult children use first names for the non parent and so do adult grandchildren. Younger family members its Nanny Sodapop and Grandad France. Enjoy your life together Crazygran

Grannyben Tue 26-Mar-19 09:12:21

I'm wondering, are you actually asking about the financial side, such as combining properties and money which would have all been left to your own children?

BradfordLass72 Tue 26-Mar-19 09:53:37

Life is too short to allow anyone else to influence you.

If you are SURE you want to move in together, do it.

If you are still hesitant, possibly because you haven't known him long enough, (?) see each other as much as possible, as you do now, until you are sure.

Crazygran Tue 26-Mar-19 10:11:18

Yes Grannyben Weare concerned about how to go forward financially,will obs see solicitors but would like to hear others experiences. We are both comfortable but not enough to give family money now .

pen50 Tue 26-Mar-19 10:19:35

About to do something similar myself. We're both in our early sixties and have been seeing each other since last July. It's been a long distance relationship which has complicated matters a bit.

Anyway the plan at the moment is to let out his house and have him move in with me as his job is more portable. Complications include my twenty-five year old son living at home with me - but frankly if that proved the impetus to get DS earning a proper living and moving out I would be delighted!

Partner and I are agreed for the time being not to merge finances - but maybe review things next year when we know how we manage together in the same house - especially as I am rather untidier than him!

Sar53 Tue 26-Mar-19 10:20:54

Crazygran we made wills when we first lived together and our flat was put into both our names. When we got married we wrote new wills. On the death of the first of us everything goes to the other partner. When we are both gone anything left is split 4 ways between our 4 girls. Morbid I know but very important. Hope this helps.

Sar53 Tue 26-Mar-19 10:22:08

Please pm me if you think it may help.

Hermia46 Tue 26-Mar-19 10:22:42

My DH and I did exactly the same, we were fully frank with the adult children and when we married they all attended. My step DiL found it a bit difficult as her Mum had just passed away, but I stayed quiet and waited for her to come to me, so I am friends with my step-children and my DH is friends with my son and his GC. Don't push it too hard, relax and be patient and congratulations. flowers

Irenelily Tue 26-Mar-19 10:27:46

I hope my experience will help, Crazygran. My DH (who sadly died last year) met when our partners left us! For 20 years we lived apart while we both brought up our families. Then we married with rejoicing from all the children! When DH died we were 1 month short of our 25th Anniversary. We made wills dividing the property and assets between the two families. I am able to still live in our home for as long as I want. I see both families and and they all vist me - and all help with the garden etc.
Make sure you get a good solicitor and draw up your wills very carefully looking at what would happen if either of you had to go into care. Good luck and best wishes for your future!

GabriellaG54 Tue 26-Mar-19 10:46:03

I have two close friends, both divorced, both have AC as do their second partners but each of them has their own home.
One couple spends a few months in her home in Spain then he returns and a few weeks later she will come here for several weeks.
They are all in their 60s/70s.
The other couple live a few miles from each other. She stays at his and vice versa. She goes on hols with friends and he goes on men's hols with friends for a few weeks. They also holiday together.
Both couples solid financially but each of them prefers to keep their money totally separate.
One couple been together for 25 years, the other for about 6/7 years.
It takes all sorts.
My own children, several years after I got divorced said, when told I had met someone I liked, ' But mum, you don't need anyone else, you've got us'.
I felt I had betrayed them in some way as I love them more than I could love any man.
I would never live with my OH who is only a few miles distant. I like my freedom too much. Not being answerable to anyone and not having to consider anyone else's plans or explain where I'm going or when I'll return is gold to me.
Do what lifts your heart but tread cautiously. Baby steps.
Best wishes.

breeze Tue 26-Mar-19 10:53:28

Congrats Crazygran how wonderful. I wish you every happiness.

Word of caution though re the complications of Wills. It can get messy. Most couples with children from previous relationships set up a Will that assets will be divided equally when both have died. So surviving person can stay in the home until their death.

This is all very well but, what if surviving person meets someone else? Do they have to move out upon the surviving persons' death? Bit unfair. Lose your partner and your home. But if they stay, and they have kids, how does that all work out? So it's worth more thought.

I only know this because of a huge family rift in my family when that very same thing happened. The DD of the person who died took her SF to court as he met someone else which made her worried for her inheritance. Everyone fell out. No one now talks.

So it's important everyone knows where they stand if finances are blended.

stella1949 Tue 26-Mar-19 10:53:32

We did our wills pretty simply, like Sar53. We bought a property and it is in both our names as joint owners. Our wills leave everything to the other partner , and when the remaining partner dies, the estate is equally shared between our adult children . Half to mine and half to his. We contributed more-or-less equally so our wills reflect that equality.

4allweknow Tue 26-Mar-19 11:00:16

When dealing with property finances and Wills and wanting to ensure that each partners family inherit an equal share you have to be very careful. Leaving your share to the surviving partner is natural, however what's to say that partner will not change his/her Will and leave all to their family. The couple should only leave their share with the proviso that they can use (whatever,) until their death and then your share goes to whoever you state. Don't leave it to goodwill, it's amazing what inheritance does to some folk.

Suzan05 Tue 26-Mar-19 11:00:31

This is an interesting post. Have been married to second husband fourteen years. Together two before that. I bought our house and have more investments etc than husband.
We made our wills, each leaving everything to each other then to my four children. Husband has no children.
When I spoke to my financial advisor a few years ago he explained that the arrangements, including my will should change.
He pointed out that under the old will everything would go to my husband. However, if I die first and he inherits and then remarries my children could lose out completely. New wife could contest the will. Also if husband and new wife died together any children that she had could inherit. If he had a partner, not wife, she could also contest the will.
Now the house is back in my name alone, husband will live in it until he dies then it’s sold and money goes to my children. My investments, I take a small amount each month and if I die first husband will continue to have that amount but will not be able to use any capital. On his death everything goes to my children.
This has caused problems between us even though husband can see and understand the reasons and basically agrees it’s the correct thing to do. He will at some point inherit a third from his parents, will have his state pension, small private one and the amount from my investments so is well catered for.
For these reasons my brother in law will not marry his partner, he says it’s a monetary minefield and easier to keep things separate.

driverann Tue 26-Mar-19 11:16:15

One of my sisters was seeing a ‘very nice man’ for two years she asked me what I thought about her selling her house and moving into his house. She is a widow with three children aged 38 /40 / 43. Her 38 year old daughter is a solicitor. I told my sister to rush things and discuss things fully with her children. Unbeknown to my sister her daughter did some background checks on this ‘very nice man’ and found out he was not a widower as he had told my sister but was divorced he had been married twice before and was on the brink of bankruptcy. My sister told him what she had found out in a telephone conversation, he hung-up on her and she has not heard a word from him since. I think he was a con artist who was found out and my sister had a lucky escape. I’m not say your man is anything like that but do we really know who people are.

driverann Tue 26-Mar-19 11:17:20

I told my sister Not to rush things.

Crazygran Tue 26-Mar-19 11:29:06

Thank you everyone.
think we would change wills to leave to each other because of all the probs mentioned.
Could poss rent out one ?

breeze Tue 26-Mar-19 12:12:44

That sounds like a very good idea Crazygran Partly to see if it works out. I very much hope it does but would be naïve to think it never could go wrong. Solves problem if one partner dies too as you would both still have a property. Wise in my view.