What advice to give a friend

I see everything you’re saying, and you’re undoubtedly right!

I just feel you’re being too hard on the parents, obviously they’ve done a lot of things wrong, but probably with the best of intentions

Does this man have any mental health problems?
No depression or autism or anything at all?
If not, then he needs to get at least a part time job.

The problem there is, whose going to give a man in his forties, with nothing on his CV but a couple of gigs, a job?

There isn't really any advice you can give the parents. They have created the situation and been happy with it for over twenty years so it's not going to change overnight.
If they do want to change things it would need to be in small increments for all their sanity.
I think its a fifty fifty dependency situation.

I just feel you’re being too hard on the parents, obviously they’ve done a lot of things wrong, but probably with the best of intentions

Yeah. Maybe I am. I just dont see how in extreme co dependancy situations like described, that the intentions are honourable. I think the parents are probably at best selfish or needy. At worst controlling.

There are other scenarios where ACs are greedy and entitled but the OPs situation.... I just cant spin it to make it fit the idea that the parents have the ACs welfare at heart. Its a bad situation all round.

In the example of the man I mentioned the siblings have begged the parents to butt out of their brothers life to give him a chance to sort himself out but they wont.

They swear they do it "for him" but really they do it for themselves and they can't/won't stop even for the sake of their son's welfare and sanity.

Apparent generocity can be a form of control. Having their son live in their house rent and utilities free isnt a leg up. I'll bet this free house isnt a million miles away from theirs.

Well maybe they would all be happy, if the son just moved back in with mum and dad!
That way they could save a load of money, and son could just go back to being a little boy again

The parents can't have earned enough to buy and maintain two properties without a degree of intelligence. So they should know they aren't doing their son any favours. He needs to be independent.
I see no point in anyone bothering to try changing things.
I wonder does he have problems to excuse his behaviour. Not speaking but dumping your washing is not normal behaviour. Either there is something wrong with him or he totally takes advantage of and doesn't respect his parents.

Thanks for all the replies - I can't say I disagree that they have brought this on themselves, although I disagree they are trying to control him.

It started out with them trying to support him in his chosen career. They have been suggesting for some time that he should get a job and pursue his music on a part time basis but he was always convinced the "big break" was just around the corner.

I think he is beginning to realise it is never going to happen and is taking his disappointment out on his parents.

I feel that many of the posts made by notanan2 are spot on!

Also, if he hasn't made it big enough in the music business by now, then guess what.............

I dont see how they had any intention of really supporting his career in music by tying him to their home town. Pretty much everyone knows that to get a foot in in that industry you gotta move about. Its a transient lifestyle. Maybe that scared both of them and the house is an excuse?

I agree Phoenix, the chances of him making it big now, are pretty much zero!
A lot of musicians manage to make a pretty good living doing gigs locally, and have quite a following
I presume the young man in question is too good for that

I agree with what has been said, they have managed to keep this kidadult close to home. He is not going to have a big break now, and everyone knows it. He has never worked, never had to. All he has to do now is hold out until the parents leave him an inheritance. As as been said, they really need to cut these apron strings, they have done him a great disservice.

I'd advise them to set up a formal tenancy agreement whether he likes it or not. Utility bills should be in his name so that if they are unpaid, he has to bear the responsibility. And provide him with a washing machine and an iron!

I think when it comes down to it Beckett there’s nothing you can do to help your friends

They probably know they’ve made some serious errors of judgement over the years, if it does all blow up, at least you’ll be there for them, doesn’t always help to be too judgmental

I agree with "oohing" and "aahing" with these friends plus nodding and shaking of the head - then changing the subject. If you offer advice to these "intelligent people" who have instigated (albeit caringly) the situation they find themselves in they will probably not take too kindly to being given any advice from a friend or anyone!! If you want them to remain friends then take the path of passivity. (if there is such a word???)

You can build a local following if its not your main income and you do it for the love of it (and no one who plays only 2 gigs a year can claim to love it!)

Or you can make a local living out of it if you are willing to treat it as a job and do the money gigs: parties and weddings and other events & play requests etc.

But if you dont wanna be playing Darling you look Beautiful Tonight every other weekend you need to tour as a support act until you build up your name. A local following alone wont pay the bills.

Anyway this isnt really about the (lack of) music career, its about a dysfunctional family set up that is coming to a head...

I think TBH its past the point of sensible things like tennancy agreements.. the whole set up has gone rotten probably a long time ago..

All OP can do is listen. The situation will either bob along as it is till they die or blow up in all their faces and get worse.

notanan2 - hear hear!!

He is 40 !!!!! how much longer does he think he can take advantage of his parents, he career obviously is going nowhere after all this time so he wants to pull his finger out and start looking after himself, still while his parents have done so much for him up till now he obviously feels he is entitled, send him round to me for a week he will soon find out what the real world is like!!! Hope they sort him out soon for their own sakes. My friend has a son that is a singer, and does quite a few gigs each month but he still has a job !! Good luck to your friend. xx

It sounds as if they have allowed him to remain a petulant toddler - what a tragedy all round. He is not what you might call a 'real man', and they have missed the opportunity to have a son they can be proud of. We could all suggest dumping his washing on his own doorstep, telling him to grow up, cutting off his allowances and so on, but who has allowed him to behave like this for over twenty years? They need to get a grip on their life and finances but it might just be too late!

Sorry, if he hasn't made the big time by his 40s I doubt if he ever will!
These kind, well meaning parents have made a rod for their own backs, and their selfish g** of a son can't see or appreciate it. They need to make sure everything to do with his house is in his name and then stop paying his bills.
I'd also suggest they make a will that leaves their money to charity - he has had his share over the years and deserves nothing!

Early 40's? Time to grow up and stop living in a fantasy. Get a job, do your own washing and get a grip!

A friend of mine has a daughter who is a qualified nurse and a qualified teacher. Many years ago she had a romance with a man who led her up the garden path, and turned out to be married. Since then she has lived with her parents, claiming to have mental health problems. She apparently made a couple of half-hearted 'suicide attempts' years ago. They provide her with a car, and pay for her holidays and living costs.. She does little in the house, and spends her time taking courses, mainly online. She has gained numerous computer qualifications, and a degree in Egyptology (which involved many holidays to Egypt) She occasionally takes a part-time job, but runs for the hills if they offer full time, claiming that the stress is too much for her. Personally, I think she is a leech!
Both her parents are in their 80s. They seem to be reasonably happy with the situation, and have never tried to resolve it, as far as I know.
I often wonder if, when the gravy train stops and her parents die, she will make a miraculous recovery from her problems and get a job.

You can build a local following if its not your main income and you do it for the love of it (and no one who plays only 2 gigs a year can claim to love it!)
Or you can make a local living out of it if you are willing to treat it as a job and do the money gigs: parties and weddings and other events & play requests etc.
My daughter and her husband are both enthusiastic musicians. Both of them have full-time jobs but spend much of their spare time playing local gigs, usually of the parties-and-weddings variety. Their jobs are well-paid and they certainly don't need the relatively small amounts of money they get from gigging - they just love playing and performing.
I get the strong impression that this AC has mental health problems, or perhaps autism. Why else does he never play locally? If people know he's a musician, he'll invariably be offered gigs, even if it's only "Can you play something at our party - £20 quid and all the beer you can drink?" Has he honestly never tried to find work? He doesn't live with his parents, so they won't know about it.
And just what is his situation with the Tax people? Is he registered as self-employed and paying NI contributions? I certainly hope so as it will affect his future pension. Also, when his parents need care, they may well have to sell both their house and his - what will he do then?
I agree that this is an unhealthy co-dependent situation, for both the parents and their child. But there's nothing the OP can really do about it, the situation should have been dealt with 20 years ago.