What advice to give a friend

They need to realise also that it’s VERY difficult to make a living out of music. My son (aged 39) has been in a quite successful band which had a record deal, toured Europe and the States, did bits of TV etc. They never made any money as they had to pay all the expenses of travel etc out of their advance. The only reason he has been able to support himself and his family is that he writes for ads, tv etc and that pays well. I understand from him that it’s publishing rights and merchandising where you make the money - not performing

They all need counselling.... this from a youngest of six kids who could do every job in the home , garden and on the car by the time I was 12. As could we all. My parents believed in making us independent adults.... not cringing dependant child/adults. This man needs to go ‘cold turkey’. Withdraw everything except real love. He’s been shown too much of the other kind for his, and their own good.

The parents can't have earned enough to buy and maintain two properties without a degree of intelligence.
Sadly, that's just not true. Some people are fortunate enough to inherit money - or to be born into "family money" And it's just amazing how foolish some folk can be with their money....especially when they didn't actually have to earn it. I'm not saying that's the parents' situation in this case - because we don't have that information - but as my mum used to say: "some people have more money than sense."

Point taken Davida

"One or two gigs a year" is NOT a career. Both he and his parents need to get real. Daddima asked if he could claim jobseeker's allowance - possibly not unless he's already been paying National Insurance, but even if he could he would need to be able to prove he's been spending a considerable amount of time every week researching and applying for jobs.

There is no mention of this 40 year old manchild having a serious relationship either.
This looks like another sign of a man who never wants to grow up.
Now he is middle-aged the ship has sailed on the music career.
But how likely is he to have a family of his own either?
I would also think that the parents are to blame for not pushing him into independence years ago.
It seems to be more common now for parents to keep supporting their AC but how is that ever a good idea?

The man is just a spoiled brat. He needs a good spanking.

I agree with everything that has been said so there isn’t much to add. He’s a spoilt brat but unfortunately your friends have to take some responsibility as well because they have mollycoddled him so much so he knows no difference. They should have made him stand on his own 2 feet years ago. I’d love to get my hands on him!

I set out to be a classical singer. I got a good degree in music and supplemented my singing efforts with teaching and a very little professional choral work (and produced two children, which gave me an excuse for the lack of professional success). When I hit 40 I suddenly realised I was no longer progressing slowly but surely along the path to become a professional singer, but with all the diversifying I'd done in the previous 15 years, I was doing very nicely as a support for other people's progress - teaching - both in school and privately including things like piano, recorder and theory, coaching, arranging, composing, accompanying, directing and conducting. To be a performer needs more than just being good, there's also a large amount of being in the right place at the right time. Let's face it, this guy is never never going to have a career as a performer, and if he's not in possession of the skills to take on the sort of peripheral work I mentioned (and now at 71, I love it) he needs to stop whinging about "sabotaging his career". He can pull his finger out and look for a job in a music shop or seek an apprenticeship (he's not too old) in repairing instruments or learn some theory and start to teach. The parents have at least, albeit late in the day, started dropping heavy hints about being a little more self-sufficient, but maybe they too need to realise there's no career to sabotage!

I have a friend with a similar situation, it is difficult. Her DS was conceived as the result of an affair with a married man, she is a professional musician with a good career, but it meant that her DS was dumped on all and sundry to look after whilst she went off to perform.

He grew up a troubled young man, and tried to take his own life as a teenager. Got into drugs and the wrong crowd, so obviously she is worried sick about him. He also wants a career in music, but gets very little work. An aunt left her a flat in an expensive area which she sold and bought a house for both of them to live in. When her parents died and left her their house, she moved into it and left DS in the original house. He pays no rent, and she would find it in a terrible state with drugged friends lying around. He has had breakdowns when the police were called, but he escaped sectioning.

He is now mid 30s, has managed to get clean, but still lives rent free with virtually no income. I worry about my friend, who is still working in her 70s to support them both. She is not going to kick him out with his history, and has now sold the house he was living in and he has come to live back home.

I guess we never know what is going on in other people's lives, can only be there for them when it all goes wrong....

i would put his dirty washing back in a bag and dump it on his doorstep. he's old enough to stand on his own two feet. stop being a door mat..you cant afford to keep payiny his bills ,he's got to see how to cope on his own. tell him to b*****r off...he's using you ...

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head B9, we never know what’s going on in other people’s lives, and we don’t know for certain how we would behave given the same set of circumstances

I’m sure we’d all say we would never allow ourselves to be treated so badly, but I daresay it begins very gradually, offering to do a bit of washing, doing a food shop

He is a dreadful scrounger, he actually sound quite unpleasant, but he’s their son

Sadly it sounds as if this man has arrived at this point in his life mostly due to his parents support and is unlikely to be able to turn things around now. I do wonder what the other members of this band do to earn a living - are they all sponging off their families? To be just doing a couple of gigs a year he isn't even pretending any more is he? Throwing his toys out of the pram because he's been told they can no longer afford to keep him shows how immature he still is. His parents need to stick to their guns - refusing to do his washing is a place to start! When things have calmed down they should sit him down and show him just how much it is costing them for him to live this way and suggest he needs to find a way to contribute.

My own son also in his mid 40's is a musician and although he left home at 16 to pursue his career we did give him some financial support when we could. He did have some success and traveled around the world but realized he needed to earn a living as well and did various jobs to support himself finally concentrating on teaching music in schools and eventually setting up his own successful school. Now married with 2 children he works 6 days a week and gigs at weekends - his work ethic is a credit to him not to our support.

Unfortunately as someone else pointed out making a successful career in music is not just about talent (you only need to see some older contestants on BGT) but the luck of being in the right place at the right time. This guy has probably missed the boat now and should think about his future in the real world.

Jaylucy. They need to leave all their money to the OTHER siblings, he's had his share (and how!)

As to the other band members, the singer (who was also his long term girlfriend) left the band (and him) last year as she couldn't see any future in it. She now works in an office and picks up a few gigs as a backing singer in and around her home city. One band member inherited some money which he invested and he just about manages to live on the income and the other band member works as a self employed motor mechanic but the last I heard he is also thinking of giving up the band. I have a feeling that the band will soon split and he will have to face up to the fact he is not going to become rich and famous!

I would add that I think his parents have spoiled him because they were unable to have children of their own and adopted him as a baby, since when he has been indulged in everything he wanted.

He calls doing a couple of gigs per year with a band a career? (And I take it we're not talking about him being a member of Led Zeppelin?)

Sorry, but I'm sure it's far too late to make a stand after all these years. But he does need SOME drastic kind of shock to kick-start him into the real world.

And again, I wonder, have they actually asked for advice?

What they really need to do is sit down with a solicitor. Depending on the laws in their area, their son may have tenant's rights and it may be difficult to get him out of the house if they no longer want to have him living there. A solicitor can also help them develop a written lease/rental agreement.

It is very difficult to make a living as a musician, but it is possible if you're willing to work very hard. My brothers make their living this way. Now, they both have degrees in music and are now pursuing additional education - one is in a massage therapy diploma program and the other is upgrading some courses so that he can become a radiography (X-ray) technician. They both recognize that as they have partners and one has a child they need a more stable income. When they were doing just their music full-time, they supported themselves by performing and doing some teaching as well. I swear they probably spent more time practicing and arranging gigs than they did actually performing. But AFAIK they never needed hand-outs from our parents. They're careful with their money.

When will parents like this (and this is not the first time we have heard tales like this ) realise that if you give children everything they want whenever they ask, you end of with grown up children who are selfish, self-centred and immature.

Most successful musicians tell stories of living hand-to-mouth, living in squats and generally being driven to take any gig, any job, no matter how menial in their drive to succeed. This man will never make it, he is a dilettante playing at becoming a successful musician, just taking the gigs he wants, secure that in the meanwhile the Bank of Mum and Dad will keep him cosy, warm and fed.

DDiL is part of a well respected folkgroup, who have been performing in top folk venues in their region and further afield for the last 20 years. All of them have serious careers. They know that the chance of them ever making a good living from their singing is remote, nevertheless they have built up a good following and love what they are doing.

I would give this man six months to find himself a job and then cut off the money and after a year start charging him rent and if he doesn't pay it tell him to move on.

I am sorry but I hold spongers like this in contempt.

I'm not sure who in this scenario annoys me more, the parents who have never cut the apron strings or the son who has taken all this largesse for granted. It will do him so much good to actually pay his own rent, it will improve his art by giving him empathy for the rest of us in the normal world