son splitting up

Right now I would say as little as possible except that you are sorry to hear they are divorcing and that you hope to still have a good relationship with your DIL and GS. This way you haven't said or done anything that could cause offence.

But honestly, if it were my son who was behaving badly, I would probably tell him so, after all I'm his mother, aren't I?

Hope everything turns out as well as possible.

Remember not to say anything you cannot take back. Be neutral because you want to stay in touch with all of them. Sometimes, also, couples go for counselling and come back together. In that case your neutrality but loving support will be very important. However if one of them is so unhappy that the marriage is broken, you would not want your grandchild to be living in an unhappy home. Everyone is unhappy just now but with honesty, hopefully they will be less unhappy soon, and in time find a happier and stable future.

We have been through similar when our 2nd split with his partner and they had a tiny son. They were both too young. We stayed neutral as we could. It wasnt a good split. We still have a good relationship with them all today and our grandson regularly. Not as much as we would like as they arent local however it works

Our only daughter split with her partner of 8 years. No children thank goodness. We were devastated. Our daughter is very private and wouldnt tell us anything as to why. With her living abroad it was very difficult to know much also. They did try to salvage the relationship though J moved out. It finally finished as she couldn't trust him.

Over a year later we found out he had cheated on her. I'm damn glad I didnt know else I think I would have had something to say to him none to polite as he got my daughter to move across Canada with his job then cheated whilst he was waiting for her to join him as she had to work notice sort the flat out etc.

We knew there was more to it than what she was saying.

My point is stay out as much as you can. By being there for your grandchildren and DiL you are showing your love and support. You dont have to like what your son has done. Its about his behaviour not him.

I know how you are feeling as I have been there.
If it is any comfort I have a great relationship with my DiL & see the children all the time although they live about 30 miles away.
I always mention this when I hear of breakups but my DS & DiL saw a mediation expert for a couple of sessions who came up with all sorts of ideas to make their relationship work for the children after the break up. They have managed to stay friends ( it took a while) & do things together with the children all the time - they have a really good relationship due to this wonderful service & have not had a cross word since. I wish it had been available when my first marriage broke up.( Although we get on fine now too- with 6 DGC between us we sort of had to!)
I hope it all works out for you all.

It's a terrible time for all concerned, you just have to be there if/when they want you. Have a chat with all concerned and let them know that you are not taking sides and you want to be in all of their lives. Good luck. x

I was in utter shock when I found out about my now ex and what he was up to. It's not an overstatement to say my life fell apart. I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat. And there was silence from my MiL of over 25 years. I was the one that took her to concerts and days out and I felt she dumped me as much as her son had. And I never ever (8 years on) heard from his brother and wife. When MiL sent me a birthday card 4 weeks after finding out about my ex it was just "from April".
When she did contact me, eventually, some 8 months after, I was in a place where I made the decision if I could be dropped so easily after almost 30 years in her life (as her sons girlfriend/wife/mother of her first grandchild) she wasn't someone I wanted to have in my life.
Yes to stay neutral, but please contact her soon and tell her you love her. That abandonment by his family has brought tears to my eyes today, even after 8 years.

I'm another one who thinks you need to stay neutral/supportive to both sides. Yes, by all means, ring DIL and let her know you're there for her, but don't let her drag you into any negative conversations about DS. I wouldn't mention anything about GS, right now, or she may think you're being kind to her just to maintain contact w/ him. I'm confident that if you can keep up an amicable relationship w/ her, she'll be happy to let GS remain in contact w/ you.

Hopefully, even if she moves away, DS will have visitation. Since she'll be at a distance, I imagine that visitation will be extended - maybe not as frequent as you'd like, but whole weekends or weeks at a time. Surely, he'll be able to share some of that time w/ you. You may have to be patient and wait till things are sorted out. But, overall, I'm certain you'll be able to maintain a relationship w/ GS

Hideous situation for all concerned! My youngest DD and partner split up in March quite out of the blue; his parents have managed to keep out of the relationship issues and are managing regular contact with the DGS, this has not been easy as both DD and SIL have struggled to stay civil with each other especially DD who was hurt and confused and post natal. However we (her family) have been very much pro the other set of grandparents maintaining contact with the little ones as it’s so important for children to have as many people as possible in their lives who love and look out for them and we have advised her accordingly.
likewise we have also kept out of the relationship breakdown,and focused instead on how much both DD and ex SIL love the children.

I'm sorry but IDKY some people are shocked when they are going through a divorce and their ILs drop them. I think it's "normal' for ILs to stand by their DS (or DD as the case may be). I don't think it should mean cutting off all contact w/ DIL (or SIL), but sometimes, it does b/c of DS' wishes, etc.

Don't get me wrong. I think it's just as "normal' for, say, MIL to want to keep in touch w/ a lovely DIL. (That's why I'm putting "normal' in quotes - b/c I think there are different kinds of normal in this situation). And, IMO, it's especially "normal" for ILs to want to maintain contact if there are GC involved. I just don't think anyone should EXPECT their ILs/XILs to stay in touch after a breakup, especially if there are no GC. Divorces, sad to say, impact more than just the couple, and, I'm afraid, most people are going to do whatever seems best for themselves in that situation.

Jenpax, sorry about DD's sudden split! And while she was post natal, of all times! I'm glad his parents have remained neutral and that DD allows them contact w/DGS. Also, IMO, you and DH are very wise and kind! They are all lucky to have you in the picture!

I feel for you whoisthis it is very difficult when you are in the middle of it all. My husband left me with my tiny son, He never saw him again until my boy was 21, no cards, presents, nothing, but we continued to visit my MIL and FIL it wasn't their fault and we all got on so well, even when I re-married all was fine. Hopefully if your son continues to see his child you will be able to as well. Just let your DIL that you still love her and GS. and hopefully you will see each other as much as you can. Good luck it is a horrid time for all of you. Let your son know exactly how you feel and perhaps you can all come to an amicable arrangements.

whoisthis. I'm so sorry.
You can only reassure all three of them. Tell DS he is always welcome and you hope he will bring DGS to see you often.
Tell DIL that you will always love her and you hope she will visit and perhaps bring DGS as well.
Tell GS you love him and where ever you are he is welcome.

Then just be there for them.
Take care of yourself, today it is so sad. It may be a bumpy road for a while but it will sort out and there will be a solution. Don't despair.

jenpax. It's people like you who make GNet work!
I'm so sorry to hear about the break-up. I do hope that time will see relationships settle down and that everybody is able to live positively and rewardingly.
You and your DH's attitude will certainly contribute to that!

Whoisthis - I’m sorry to hear of the upheaval in your family. As others have said, please try to remain neutral. Remember that once words have been spoken, they can never be unsaid. Currently, all emotions are very raw, but in time, things will settle down and, as a family, you should be able to move forward.
Jenpax, much respect for the manner in which you and your husband dealt with your family situation!

whoisthis Almost 33years ago I was this Dil. My husband left saying he no longer loved me and couldn't cope with the responsibility of 2 children (aged 2 and 5 weeks). My Mil was devastated and rang to say she loved me and hoped I felt that I could call her if I needed anything. She saw the girls regularly as my ex took them to see her when he had them and we stayed in contact by phone. As they got older they would go with her to her caravan for a few days during their holidays and as young teens they met her every week one night after school and went out for tea, Contact between the two of us continued even though I met someone else and remarried when my daughters were 10 and 12. Today, almost 33 years on my youngest daughter and I have been to visit her, in the care home where she now lives. She's almost 92 has been diagnosed with a form of dementia and hasn't seen her son who is now on his 3rd marriage, for about 2-3 years. It saddens me when I see her, no longer the strong, forceful woman she once was, although her wicked sense of humour does still sometimes come through.I love her, she listened when I needed to sound off about her son, she often told me she loved him, because he was her son, but hated what he had done. I know she was always there if I needed her and at the end of the day was the only one who knew what he was like. My own parents were so hurt and upset about what happened they wouldn't even mention his name. Please don't despair, things can work out

You can support them both through this whoisthis don't criticise either of them to the other or the children. It hurts when your own adult child is the cause of the problem or appears to be. As someone else said we don't know what goes on in other people's marriages. I would have a quiet word with your son though and remind him of his responsibilities. I hope things don't get too difficult for all of you.

When my marriage broke up nearly 30 years ago now, my in-laws were very upset with their son for leaving me and our three children. They were amazing in their support for me and their grandchildren for the next 25 years or so until they died and I felt truly blessed to have them in our lives. I realise how lucky I was and I was with them both when they died. They were an inspiration to me and our children in their generosity of spirit and by the sound of it, you will be exactly the same sort of supportive MiL and grandma. Our relationship never floundered even when I met my second husband. It can be done and I wish you all the very best in what I know is a very difficult time for you.

From the dil side. Tell her your there for her no matter what. Your will help her to get through things. My mil stepped up for me, had to step back a bit as son said if she kept being on my side ,she would never see him again. She still helped me a lot but just didnt tell him what she though.

let you dil know that you are there for her.tell her you dont want to lose contact with gs.but i wouldnt get involved with anything else...

Doings...

I am back again- son has now decided he will move out of the family home in the next few weeks, I am so hurt by this- cannot sleep, am on antidepressants as i am afraid i will lose my gs and dil whom i regard as my daughter.

Just contact your daughter in law and tell her how you feel, don't keep it to yourself when you could be a great support to each other.

I agree about supporting your DiL. Don't ignore her on account of your son.Because he leaves a situation doesn't mean that you have to follow suit, and tell him straight that it's not going to stop you from keeping in contact with your GS too, just carry on visiting as normal.

My first H left me when I was 4 months pregnant - broke my heart but my MIL and FIL were wonderful, obviously he was their son and they loved him but they were so upset with his actions towards me. We kept in touch with each other so they knew their GS and when I re-married they took him to their hearts and we saw them until they both passed away when my DS was 20.

There is no reason why your DiL should not want to see you, let her know you are always there for them both all being well you will be close always.

I wish you luck. But don't lose touch with your DS life is too short.

I agree with those saying make some contact with your DIL and let her know how you feel about her and your GS, however, I would not get too involved otherwise, you need to be careful that in an effort to stay in contact with your GS you don't cut off your DS. Be prepared for a different slant on things from your DIL.