Advice please

Think of what the HV is seeing: a mum who admits to feeling low and highly unusually only goes out of the flat when the GPs have the child ie doesn’t take the child out, an untidy flat ?unhygienic possibly if not clean although standards of “good enough” vary is this another sign of a ?depressed/ill mum?, a child that goes out once a week so possibly isn’t being socialised and mixing with peers. Frankly I think she’s just doing her job and referring to CS who can put the jigsaw of what’s going on via various agencies to see what life is like for your GS. She can only report what she sees. If your GS lives in a mess, what is Mum doing with her time? You said she’s not drinking “to excess” but most drinkers underreport their drinking so maybe she’s not being truthful even to herself! Why does she feel the need to drink alone in charge of a toddler? She’s not taking him out to the park or toddler groups then? What is his day like? I think you need to think that maybe your daughter Does need more help and active support from you and if she’s not depressed/mentally unwell then some guidance on routines and activity’s that put her focus on the needs of her child.

If the HV really wants to help maybe she could try help your daughter get a downstairs flat or something ( if its council or housing association?) instead if she dislikes the stairs for him? Otherwise theres not much can be done about that.

Yes try to keep an open mind about the HV as you obviously want to help but not make situation with HV any worse:/

Maybe if asthma/ allergies isnt a reason for no carpets but just having spare cash for them that you could help with that instead if its possible, if she doesnt want you to tidy?

Sorry hadnt realised you put 'he' in post :/

Health visitors have a busy caseload and will only continue to call if they feel you have a need. Perhaps she feels that your daughter needs some support. You say the flat is untidy and she wants to be left alone. Is she depressed? Does she get out with the child much? I agree that it would be good to be present but try to start with the mindset that the HV is there to help.

I was, and still am untidy , I would look around the selling pages and see if you can get her some easy and neat storage solutions and go round and help her tidy a bit . Sometimes it gets overwhelming & you just don't know where to start . I would be there too at the next meeting , your daughter probably isn't being herself as she is so scared of saying the wrong thing. You are still being her mum if you are helping her tidy her flat , she is probably exhausting herself worrying .

Far as i know i think health visitors stop when a child reaches nursery age dont they?and in any case its a common opinion among health officials that its better in some homes to be without carpets i.e.if theres asthma or allergy sufferers- my house is mostly carpet free( have laminate in lounge) and laminate in youngest sons room.only stairs& landing carpeted& my own bedroom.Sadly yes lucky girl& buffybee, some 'health officials' do sometimes seem to go out of their way to rub people up the wrong way at the outset- so yes id say to OP- ask your daughter if she wants you there for support for next meeting and help her try find a nursery place for your GC if he/ she hasnt yet got one,then maybe hv wont have a point or need to 'pop round' as child wont be there! And school can help give extra support or feedback as neccessary.plus it will give your daughter a bit of a break,or time to do her tidying etc.And perhaps you can say to your daughter that while you acknowledge she wants you as a mum not a cleaner that it might be a help if at the moment you do come round once a week so you can BOTH tackle a tidy up together maybe before a HV visits due(so theres one thing less for HV to complain about) or at beginning of wk anyway so she can keep on top of it rest of week?just till HV is 'off her back' a bit?or maybe all thats needed is a bit of a declutter to get her started?im sure there'l be things around still from your GC's 'babyhood' that the child has outgrown at 3& maybe need sorting for a clearout?sounds silly but its amazing how much stuff we acumalate from our kids that gets kept for yrs when theyre outgrown.(im off to do my 16 yr olds room while hes doing exams!lol.)

HV usually continue to visit when there is an element of risk for the child. Surely there are meetings with CS to monitor situation. Your daughter should be asked to attend. Are you sure your DD isn't giving you what she wants you to hear rather than actually what is said. Ask if you can be present for next visit. Take it your DDs flat has some kind of floor covering not just bare boards or concrete.

If you daughter is a bit down, she may take any suggestions, however helpful as criticism - hence her comment when you tidy up.
I think the idea of you being there next time the HV arrives is a good one- at least you will know exactly what is said from both sides and don't take the "patient confidentiality" speak to stop you being there. If the HV is genuinely wanting to help, she will not object to you being there.
I'd guess that she has spotted that maybe your daughter is suffering from depression and is trying to help and the comments about the stairs might help in getting your daughter rehoused - although there must be thousands of families living in flats above 1st floor level.

You can ask to change health visitor if you do not get on with them. In fact, it was one of the first things my daughter's HV said to her after she had her first baby that she was free to choose someone else.

She also lives in a first floor flat with a cat too (and it's one bedroom only with two adults and the baby) and has never received negative comments on her living accommodation. It is what it is until they can find better and the HV was only too happy to visit sparingly as she could see she was coping fine.

It's time for your daughter to make a "Subject Access Request" to both the Health Visitor's manager, and to Child Services. (See the Information Commissioner's website for more info) Your daughter needs to know what this HV has written about her, and CS too. In the mean time, I would ask that a different Health Visitor comes to see her. I think the HV is "Exceeding her authority". Could your daughter record what the HV says on her phone? If all else fails she can complain to the nurses governing body or the HCPC - Health Care Professionals Council. Definitely your daughter should insist on prior warning of visits, so that you can be there as her "advocate".

Sorry to be negative but just because someone is a professional doesn’t mean that they cannot behave in an unprofessional way.
My daughter in law is pregnant and is very anxious because of her past history with losing one baby and another having nearly died just before birth . Midwife has been totally unsympathetic telling her she is being stupid and to pull herself together and it ended in a complaint that has been upheld and she was told 2 weeks ago that she was not to contact dtr in-laws and was no longer involved in her care .
4 days ago she contacted CS and said that she was seriously concerned about her mental health and not only was she concerned about the baby she also had serious concerns about my 5 yr old granddaughter !
CS visited right away and they are now concerned about the midwifes actions ! They have no concern about new baby or my granddaughter.There is now going to be a big meeting to decide how to deal with the midwife .
So given my experience yes be there when the HV visits as a witness, support for your daughter and also to find out if there is genuine reasons for her concerns .

My DD had issues with her HV with DGS2 despite DGS1 being a well brought up child, 7 years age difference. However my DD is a strong women & wouldn't stand for any "nonsense". Much easier for her as she lives with her partner, my DD is a qualified Nursery Nurse/Nanny. It may be a personality clash these things happen even with professionals . I agree with others maybe you can be there for next appointment for support.

This explains the role of the health visitor (see below)
www.buckshealthcare.nhs.uk/birthchoices/the-role-of-your-health-visitor.htm

You may wish to think what positive help your daughter's HV could give, under any of those headings.

Hopefully you will go to the meeting and demonstrate that you are supporting both your daughter and grand child and that you are keen to help put into action any good advice given.

Good luck

Why did the health visitor get involved originally? They tend to have very busy workloads and don't do random visits generally. I don't think my daughter had ever seen one apart from the few statutory checks and they were always by appointment. Its also odd they are concerned about carpets, floorboards are very common these days. And most wouldn't worry about an untidy house, that is also normal with young children. Is it a new health visitor just getting to know the people on the round?
Like others have said I would try and be there when she had her next appointment to get a clearer idea of what is happening and to show she had support

depending on the relationship between you and dd, well if it was me,, I would want to be there..

I'd make sure that I was present at the next HV visit and have it out with her as to why your D is being targeted

That’s very emotive language ev.
I think the last thing the OP should do is stage a confrontation with the HV.
Far better to try to understand why HV and CS have concerns, and work with them rather than against them.

We're all different, I know, but I'd make sure that I was present at the next HV visit and have it out with her as to why your D is being targeted.

Does he go to nursery?

Or has your daughter been under medical care?

Somebody must have raised a concern because HV don’t do routine visits anymore.

I agree with posters that if you can you should be at the next visit to try to get to the bottom of things.

Well why do they think you might have? Do you think someone may be stirring things up for her, a neighbor maybe?

They asked me if I had any concerns for GC and I said no.

Perhaps there's a personality clash.
I feel so sorry for you and your daughter. Bringing up a child on your own is hard enough, without being railroaded . I hope things work out- I don't have any practical advice as I have no knowledge of how the system but I wish you and your daughter all the best. Make sure you are fighting her corner xx

To be fair, they’re probably too overworked to go looking for problems, but as Buffy says, they are probably looking for ways to help.
I think we’d all feel a bit defensive in your daughters situation, before you get too anxious about it, try and get to the bottom of their concerns

My daughter is a Health Visitor and I can assure you that they have no time or interest in calling round to bully people.
What ever advice the HV is giving will be totally in the interest of the child and Mother.
Children's Services are there to give help and support.
Perhaps if you could explain to your Daughter that all they are trying to do is to make her and her child's life more comfortable.