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Advice please

(84 Posts)
Worriedgran24 Fri 24-May-19 08:42:30

Morning ladies - I have spent a sleepless night and havent managed to eat for a couple of days. Local Health Visitor seems to have taken a dislike to my daughter for some reason and is now picking on her every chance she gets and calls it "help", calling in Child Services etc. She doesnt like my daughter's flat - its an upstairs one (she has a 3 year old), she doesnt like the idea child could fall down stairs but she doesnt want a gate up because of health & safety! Child is not neglected, he's well fed and looked after. D is a bit untidy but that's it. They keep bringing up her mental health - she gets down at times like all of us and just wants to be left alone with her child. HV was around yesterday (just passing although they had an appointment next Wednesday) and ripped her to shreds. D just ended up crying all night. Child's dad is not around so she is on her own. I do try to help but I get told she wants a mum and not someone who tidies her flat. HV said she was going to help and didnt want to come across as the "bad guy" but then goes behind her back to CS and tells them different things to what she has told my D. She just doesnt know who to trust and is very wary of talking to anyone. HV said she needed carpets - CS called me and spoke to me and I mentioned carpets and they told me "lots of people live without carpets" - they can't even agree between themselves. Sorry for rambling but I don't have anyone to talk to.

Luckygirl Fri 24-May-19 08:46:43

Would your DD agree to you being there for the next HV appointment? That way he HV would see that DD has support and you can get a proper grip on what the problem is. It would be surprising if HV had simply taken a dislike to your DD - she must have some genuine concerns.

Are there any things that you feel concern about in your DD's situation?

Marelli Fri 24-May-19 08:51:47

Worriedgran24, would your daughter agree to you being with her at next Wednesday's appointment? It might give her a bit of confidence if you were there.

Marelli Fri 24-May-19 08:52:26

Crossed posts, Luckygirl.

Worriedgran24 Fri 24-May-19 09:00:19

As I say the only thing is she is untidy and I think C is taking after her. She doesn't drink to excess, she only goes out once a week when we have GC, she doesn't take drugs and doesn't harm little one physically or mentally.

BlueBelle Fri 24-May-19 09:04:42

Are you obliged to have health visitor visits now a days I remember only having about two visits after the baby was born Can she refuse visits or is it mandatory for some reason
Yes agree with others you being with her could avoid any perceived bullying
I m sure kids can live without carpets too
Are you sure there aren’t any deeper problems your daughter isn’t confiding in you

Sara65 Fri 24-May-19 09:15:29

I feel sorry for you, and for your daughter.
It’s very lonely bringing up a child alone, and if the flat is untidy, it’s probably that she’s gotten low, and just can’t motivate herself.

You don’t say if she’s working at all, but if not, a day with a small child in an under furnished flat, and no garden, can seem like a lifetime

If there are genuine concerns, it’s best to address them, but she just sounds sad and lonely to me

Eglantine21 Fri 24-May-19 09:19:15

Why did Child Services call you, Worriedgran? What did they want to talk about?

EllanVannin Fri 24-May-19 09:19:43

Sounds as though the HV has got the problem !

Buffybee Fri 24-May-19 09:24:01

My daughter is a Health Visitor and I can assure you that they have no time or interest in calling round to bully people.
What ever advice the HV is giving will be totally in the interest of the child and Mother.
Children's Services are there to give help and support.
Perhaps if you could explain to your Daughter that all they are trying to do is to make her and her child's life more comfortable.

Sara65 Fri 24-May-19 09:37:20

To be fair, they’re probably too overworked to go looking for problems, but as Buffy says, they are probably looking for ways to help.
I think we’d all feel a bit defensive in your daughters situation, before you get too anxious about it, try and get to the bottom of their concerns

crazyH Fri 24-May-19 09:38:27

Perhaps there's a personality clash.
I feel so sorry for you and your daughter. Bringing up a child on your own is hard enough, without being railroaded . I hope things work out- I don't have any practical advice as I have no knowledge of how the system but I wish you and your daughter all the best. Make sure you are fighting her corner xx

Worriedgran24 Fri 24-May-19 09:43:55

They asked me if I had any concerns for GC and I said no.

Sara65 Fri 24-May-19 09:47:13

Well why do they think you might have? Do you think someone may be stirring things up for her, a neighbor maybe?

Eglantine21 Fri 24-May-19 09:48:13

Does he go to nursery?

Or has your daughter been under medical care?

Somebody must have raised a concern because HV don’t do routine visits anymore.

I agree with posters that if you can you should be at the next visit to try to get to the bottom of things.

EllanVannin Fri 24-May-19 09:53:23

We're all different, I know, but I'd make sure that I was present at the next HV visit and have it out with her as to why your D is being targeted.

janeainsworth Fri 24-May-19 10:13:48

I'd make sure that I was present at the next HV visit and have it out with her as to why your D is being targeted

That’s very emotive language ev.
I think the last thing the OP should do is stage a confrontation with the HV.
Far better to try to understand why HV and CS have concerns, and work with them rather than against them.

polnan Fri 24-May-19 10:21:31

depending on the relationship between you and dd, well if it was me,, I would want to be there..

EthelJ Fri 24-May-19 10:30:44

Why did the health visitor get involved originally? They tend to have very busy workloads and don't do random visits generally. I don't think my daughter had ever seen one apart from the few statutory checks and they were always by appointment. Its also odd they are concerned about carpets, floorboards are very common these days. And most wouldn't worry about an untidy house, that is also normal with young children. Is it a new health visitor just getting to know the people on the round?
Like others have said I would try and be there when she had her next appointment to get a clearer idea of what is happening and to show she had support

EmilyHarburn Fri 24-May-19 10:32:31

This explains the role of the health visitor (see below)

You may wish to think what positive help your daughter's HV could give, under any of those headings.

Hopefully you will go to the meeting and demonstrate that you are supporting both your daughter and grand child and that you are keen to help put into action any good advice given.

Good luck

Legs55 Fri 24-May-19 10:32:41

My DD had issues with her HV with DGS2 despite DGS1 being a well brought up child, 7 years age difference. However my DD is a strong women & wouldn't stand for any "nonsense". Much easier for her as she lives with her partner, my DD is a qualified Nursery Nurse/Nanny. It may be a personality clash these things happen even with professionals . I agree with others maybe you can be there for next appointment for support.

Blossomsmum Fri 24-May-19 10:35:57

Sorry to be negative but just because someone is a professional doesn’t mean that they cannot behave in an unprofessional way.
My daughter in law is pregnant and is very anxious because of her past history with losing one baby and another having nearly died just before birth . Midwife has been totally unsympathetic telling her she is being stupid and to pull herself together and it ended in a complaint that has been upheld and she was told 2 weeks ago that she was not to contact dtr in-laws and was no longer involved in her care .
4 days ago she contacted CS and said that she was seriously concerned about her mental health and not only was she concerned about the baby she also had serious concerns about my 5 yr old granddaughter !
CS visited right away and they are now concerned about the midwifes actions ! They have no concern about new baby or my granddaughter.There is now going to be a big meeting to decide how to deal with the midwife .
So given my experience yes be there when the HV visits as a witness, support for your daughter and also to find out if there is genuine reasons for her concerns .

Dillyduck Fri 24-May-19 10:37:05

It's time for your daughter to make a "Subject Access Request" to both the Health Visitor's manager, and to Child Services. (See the Information Commissioner's website for more info) Your daughter needs to know what this HV has written about her, and CS too. In the mean time, I would ask that a different Health Visitor comes to see her. I think the HV is "Exceeding her authority". Could your daughter record what the HV says on her phone? If all else fails she can complain to the nurses governing body or the HCPC - Health Care Professionals Council. Definitely your daughter should insist on prior warning of visits, so that you can be there as her "advocate".

quizqueen Fri 24-May-19 10:37:35

You can ask to change health visitor if you do not get on with them. In fact, it was one of the first things my daughter's HV said to her after she had her first baby that she was free to choose someone else.

She also lives in a first floor flat with a cat too (and it's one bedroom only with two adults and the baby) and has never received negative comments on her living accommodation. It is what it is until they can find better and the HV was only too happy to visit sparingly as she could see she was coping fine.

jaylucy Fri 24-May-19 10:39:10

If you daughter is a bit down, she may take any suggestions, however helpful as criticism - hence her comment when you tidy up.
I think the idea of you being there next time the HV arrives is a good one- at least you will know exactly what is said from both sides and don't take the "patient confidentiality" speak to stop you being there. If the HV is genuinely wanting to help, she will not object to you being there.
I'd guess that she has spotted that maybe your daughter is suffering from depression and is trying to help and the comments about the stairs might help in getting your daughter rehoused - although there must be thousands of families living in flats above 1st floor level.