Not sure what to do

whenever I come across someone who is always right,that tells me they have some sort of psychological problem.I learnt this from being raised by a father with the same problem.How did it affect me? in a very bad way for many years. It took lots of life and self examination to make some sense of it.These control freaks see things only in black and white and there isn't a lot that can be done to change them,as they are always right. In a way they want to belittle you and as you said you had a hard childhood and it can hurt to see it being done to others.I have a similar situation with my daughter in law, I used to tread softly round her, now no more,there is the risk that it may backfire and they may see you as the bad one,but what is the option of keeping quiet? Its really difficult to witness it for sure. I stick to saying what what is grey in life!

Agree with all those who say this must stop. I bitterly regret not doing anything to help a little girl some years ago, thinking her parent knew better. This lack of action won't happen again if the situation arises again. Emotional abuse is as bad as physical abuse.

Dillyducks thoughts are very good and practical. Have the little girl overnight sometimes, or the weekend. I had my lovely grandsons from age two, and bet she would love it. Perhaps the partner will appreciate that, being able to have your son to herself for a bit.

My daughter and SIL are splitting up and my daughter already has someone new... actually an old boyfriend. He is good with my grandchildren apparently... I’ve never seen them together. But my point is... if he was continually carping at my grandchildren my hackles would rise, and I would definitely say something to him. Same as when my SIL finds someone new... if I was ever to see her carping at two perfectly behaved kids I would stand my ground. You are their gran and know their good points and their naughty points. Say something and if your son is too cowardly to speak up on behalf of his little girl you must. I know when I was a child I’d much rather have a slapped leg for naughtiness than continually being told my bad points! It’s undermining her confidence, which she might not get back. Go for it! Stand up for your granddaughter.

I’d say something. I’ve been in this position but from the child’s point of view, and it’s been horrible growing up with this. It’s emotional abuse.

Do talk to your son about this, for your granddaughters sake.

We need to know if the little girl is happy generally. No point in making waves unnecessarily.

Well maybe not Gonegirl, we also don’t know if the girlfriend reacts badly with Rolypoly around, she may possibly think she undermines her

But nevertheless, it’s a cause for concern, and needs sorting out

Hi, you need to tread carefully here. Your son will most probably side with her if you say anything to her or about her to him. So, as much as its upsetting to see this going on, I would be very subtle and let your son see how its done properly. He's not daft and will be being bullied by her too. Keep him onside. The child has the best care at your home and you wouldn't want to lose that im sure. Id just keep doing your best and keep tight lipped (bloody difficult) Children grow up and you want to be part of that and she'll have built the proper foundations through you. Dont forget your importance in her path to adulthood..x

Is she calling the child ugly? Stupid? Telling her no one loves her?

That's "emotional abuse". Doesn't sound like that's going on here. Just too much telling off. Maybe it's no biggie.

Are we sure this is "emotional abuse"?!

I would say be careful because if your son believes she is doing no wrong then you could come out worse with them stopping visits. It sounds like she is jealous maybe resentful of your son's relationship with his daughter. Or simply she hasn't got a clue how good or bad kids behave. Carry on being diplomatic and nicely respond when she berates your gd even if u are seething.

Your son's partner obviously has little or no feeling for your DGD and could indeed be jealous of her. there could be any number of reasons why that should the case. Is she hoping for a child of her own for example.
You haven't said what has happened to the child's mother, Are there the other grandparents around? Can you talk to them. It's your son but you do have a responsibility for the child's well being. Finally, make sure your GD knows that you will always be there for her and h ow much you love her.

Personally I would be chatting to DS about this. He should be aware of the impact of emotional abuse and deal with it firmly and tactfully himself. Do you think that she resents the child ?

I would try to see grand daughter on her own - she will soon be of an age to stay with you overnight - and then do everything possible to boost her confidence and self esteem. I do this for my grandson when he visits, for example I call him "The Best Grandson in the World". At 6 years old, he can make chocolate cakes by himself (with a little help from Magimix!) all I need to do is pour the mixture into the tins, if it's going to be a big cake. His mum doesn't bake at all. Otherwise he can put mixture in muffin cases himself. He loves lighting my wood burner (under strict supervision of course) and doing other little "jobs" with me. I used to run a Brownie pack, and can make almost anything a bit of fun. Make sure "going to Nanny's" is something she always looks forward to. Taking on someone else's child, especially when you don't have any of your own that you have "practiced on" must be really difficult, but don't interfere in the relationship between her or your son. I had the best mum in law in the world, we never argued, ever. Try to lead by example, and help by having your grand daughter at your place overnight so they can have some quality time together.

For me, the welfare of the little girl is the most important thing here. Partner is an adult and needs to deal with any problems without it impacting on the child.

Emotional abuse is so damaging and it’s something that even as adults it still affects you. The well being of a child is everyone’s responsibility, that’s what I drummed into hospital and community staff when training. If you find it upsetting just think how your GD feels.

Like others say - it is not her child, so really, unless your GC is about to come to harm, she really should keep quiet!
My mother was pretty good at letting her feelings known when she thought that someone was being too hard with one of her grandchildren (even if it was a parent) by just saying "Oh don't say that! He/she is only a child" If the adult said anything she didn't often say anything at all, just give them a look (we can all do it) and that was usually the end of the conversation - I can't remember the reason why she remonstrated happening a second time! Either that or take her on one side and quietly say that you preferred if she wasn't so critical of the child while at your house.
No doubt she will sulk for a bit, but if you just carry on and treat her as you have always done, she will hopefully she will keep quiet.

Does your GD seem to be unhappy because of it? How does her relationship with her stepmum seem? Is she unhappy to go home after visiting you?

We don't really know enough background here. She might just have a different way of bringing up a child. Do they intend to have a child of their own? That could make a difference. Might take the pressure off your GD.

I certainly wouldn't stop the stepmum coming to your house. Neither would I do any criticising in front of the child.

Isn't this sort of behaviour now classed as psychological a use. The
verbal harm being inflicted on your GD can be doing untold damage, as you know by your own experience which is perhaps holding you back from doing or saying anything to your son. If you want to try to change the situation you need to do something now, eg speak with your son, don't let his partner's remarks pass without comment. It is your GC's mental health.

A real Jekyll and Hyde character here !! Horrible.

I agree with March and Septimia. Where's your DS in all this? Can you possibly meet him somewhere neutral (like a cafe) for a quiet chat, to raise your concerns? Maybe he is already aware of the situation but if he isn't, then you need to raise it. It's great that you care for your DGD in this way, and I hope you can help here.

Septimia

I agree it’s not an easy situation for the dads girlfriend, but the little girl is more important , I also wonder where her mummy is, and if you’ve shared your concerns with her

If your GD's mother is still caring for her part of the time it might be extra hard for your son's girlfriend. I've seen it happen in my family. Your GD might come back from her mother's saying things that are upsetting and the girlfriend may still feel that her position isn't secure. It's much harder for the girlfriend than many of us realise and it all causes friction which might make her more prickly.

Having said that, it is probably best if you have a word with your son and explain why you're concerned - tell him about your childhood. Really, your son should be taking responsibility for your GD's upbringing, not his partner, and they need to work out how they're going to manage it. Should she always step back and leave it to him or should she deal with things that affect her directly, etc.?

Meanwhile keep giving your GD the love and attention she needs because, in the long run, she'll learn a lot from your influence.

Where's your son?

Speak to him about it, I'd find it very hard to keep my mouth shut if anyone was acting like that towards my 5 year old!

Speak to your son, he's had ample opportunity to witness the picking and should do something about it before you have to step in. He should be standing up for his daughter. Does your granddaughter share her time between your son and her mother?

Is the GD her child or a step-child (i.e. child of your son's)?

One way you could help here is to teach by example - use your methods in the presence of your son's partner - e.g. praise and positive reinforcements; distraction etc. - the tools we all have in our box to help children grow up confident.

Hopefully your presence is a positive influence and one of the aims of your actions should be to do nothing that might precipitate a split, so that you no longer feature in your GD's life at all. People are very touchy about criticism of their parenting style - I know that I would have been.