Feel Misunderstood

Difficult situation.I did not like how my daughters new partner treated her three children from a previous relationship. I found it very difficult to say nothing.On one occasion I just lost it with him. These were my beloved grandchildren.

It’s probably the most tense relationship in the world Mother in law/daughter in law

I don’t have a daughter in law, but I remember being a young daughter in law, and I have to say, I very often had to bite my tongue, which I did for family harmony

She probably had to do the same on occasion!

well you never know ,he might just see the error of his ways .just be pleasnt to her .bite your tongue when you feel like saying something. but he did choose her.its klike the saying you can choose friends but not your family. of course your son is the apple of your eye and you want the best for him.but if he wants his new partner thats his decision .maybe the relatrionship wont last .who knows .be patient .be kind. and grit your teeth...you could be in for a bumpy ride..

I would take a step back. Leave them alone for a bit....it’s only natural-and right that your son prioritises his partner....You may not like what’s happening but if you go with the flow, they will respect you and you relationship will improve with time. If you don’t get to like his partner, you just have to take it on the chin....it’s his life, not yours....sorry to be blunt....Hope it all works out.

My DS has had 2 significant relationships in the past 20 years or so, one of which produced a son, the other relationship is ongoing. Neither of his partners have arranged for us to meet their families although we visit where they live at least once a year with plenty of notice...and they have both visited us and met our extended family. Neither have we been invited into their homes since the first separated from DS and he has chosen not to share a home with the second. I find this surprising as I would have thought such invitations were courteous at the very least but I have accepted now that it is never going to happen. I made a conscious decision not to be over involved/possessive with our children having grown up in a family which was very 'enmeshed' and have probably gone to the other extreme. We have had our ups and downs with our AC's over the years but communicate and visit fairly regularly but not often and live several hundred miles away. It feels a bit odd but we find it manageable and do not question DS's current partner's reticence on the invitation to her home front. I have friends who Skype/phone weekly if not daily and visit AC's several times a year. I mention this to show that we all have different ways of being in our AC's lives. We are grateful that they let us know when they need a bit of help or a listening ear but, equally, as we are both entering our 7th decade we won't always be there for them and cannot always help them out to the extent that they need.

Everything and everyone in our lives are only on loan to us. We really own nothing, especially our children. We know we have done a good job bringing children up if they no longer rely on us, but make a new life with a partner and are happy.We bring them up to let them them go. That's how it is. Sometimes we are not as important to them as we would like to be, but be thankful for seeing them when they have time and sometimes sharing family time. But we can't ever take it for granted that it will happen. Take a step back, is the best. You are only disappointed if you have great expectations that don't materialise and that's not your children's fault.

Just imagine if you had a fabulous relationship with your father....and your amazing new husband rubbed him up the wrong way. Your husband makes you very happy.....your father asks for you to support him, can you see the dilemma?

Love0c, I could have written that myself. Shut up, put up, do the trivia, keep the relationship going.

There’s some wise advice here. I am in the same boat and draw some kind of comfort that am not alone etc etc.
Accept it as a success not a failure, although as someone else here said when contrasted with other families who seem so wholeheartedly loving and supportive across the generations, it is hard not to compare and feel we are missing out. But I also know that letting them go is the right thing because they cannot be stuck in that child relationship and men do seem to completely replace one major female relationship for another.
Women, because we have always been on the outside ? and socially dependent ? and the ‘other’ are more nuanced in our affections but the unreflective woman can be fearsomely possessive of the man in her life. It’s not new.
We really do have to step back here, as mother/wife confrontation would not be healthy or wise.
It is probably our greatest challenge and can knock the wind out of our sails. My DIL is quite cruel to me but over sentimental to others. I don’t get it. But I have to. I wish she was bigger, kinder, more thoughtful because really I am so glad he is a husband and a father but she is both disrespectful and jealous of me and I can only hope that in time she will wise up. In the meantime the stage is rightfully hers and I will do all I can to make it ok.

This post has been good for me. I've been feeling down with the lack of interest from my son. This has been going on for years I sometimes wonder if Im invisible. I usually just don't think about it but I know he was near where I live a few days ago and didn't visit and its annoyed me.
I'm lucky in that if I ask for grandchildren to come and stay it's no problem but between times he never thinks of visiting. A few months ago I was ill in hospital for 3 wks he eventually visited in the third week. My DIL visited twice with grandchildren.
What nanny piano said really hit home " Sometimes we're not as important to them as we'd like to be" I wonder where my little boy who couldn't go anywhere without me has gone,I miss him. Yes he's grown up and I've made him independent, I just wish he cared a bit more. I'm taking all advice given to OP but the tears are flowing.

Dear DinaLK,
I feel a very distressed person behind your curtailed letter trying to get across to us a horrible and unfair situation.
Like Urmstongran and SparklyGrandma, I am very struck by your words:
my son allowed his companion to disrespect me and, in turn, he disrespects me.

That is horrible! I am so sorry! I am so shocked! You poor lady! That must be so hard to understand let alone cope with. Yet I should know, for having dealt with a very difficult and dangerous husband from whom I protected my children then raised them alone after his death, dealing with his debts, my own daughter now believes her husband and does not respect me yet I can honestly say I have done nothing but support them, never intruded on them but frequently helped them when asked. I do understand that feeling of a knife twisting in your heart when your adult child turns against you with absolutely no reason.

Unlike most people here, whom I respect enormously and believe have given extremely good advice, I am going to stick my neck out a bit and take the other tac. It's not actually "the Devil's Advocate" but you'll see what I mean.

Whereas most people wisely suggest trying to understand the viewpoint of the new g/friend who may find it hard and to go softly etc. I want to look at her in a different way. I wonder if, despite your not being able to write in detail, you are saying that this new girlfriend is in fact a very outspoken, opinionated and trouble-making person. In other words a nasty woman. It sounds as if she might have deliberately stepped in to separate your son from his friends and family. Are you able to find out if she is isolating him from other people with whom he would previously have shared his time and thoughts? My "colleagues" here on GNet wisely keep to assuming she is a normal person who has some anxieties about her new relationship. That is a perfectly reasonable view. I would like to play the opposite view, just in case it is what you are up against. Obviously I don't know - but then none of us here knows what is actually going on.

I'd like to ask you to think whether this new g/friend might be one of those terribly self-centred and unreasonable people who always wants her own way, always wants all the attention and cannot share her partner with anyone. There is the possibility she is one of those people who is so unreasonable that you will never get anywhere with her. The sad news is, in this situation, your son will not see her for what she is for quite some time. He will make excuses for her, become isolated from friends and family, and basically be bullied by her. All you can do is be constant, remain firm, do not get sucked in to rows, wait on the outside to gather him up if and when he needs it. Meanwhile simply do not let this unreasonable and very hurtful behaviour hurt you. There is no point in trying to talk it over rationally, the g/friend is not rational and has now altered your son's whole outlook. Just protect yourself and do what you can.

All the above advice is just in case the situation should be one in which the g/friend is this particular type of extremely difficult person. I don't know if she is. If it doesn't apply I am very glad! If it doesn't apply then take no notice. I only wrote it here just in case.

I really feel for you because I have a similar situation with my daughter. How I wish I could hug you! Life is hard as a Grandmother. We are helpless in so many ways. Please listen to SparklyGrandma
"Be kind to yourself maybe find something to distract yourself", such good advice!

Sending lots of love Elle x

Morning Dina
I can understand how you feel. Our son divorced and few years later met a Japanese woman. I flew out on a visit n found out by accident he had married her. My DH and DD were not asked to the wedding n yet I saw photographs of all her family n friends at the wedding. We had no idea it was a massive shock. I knew I had to be careful n smile as she is totally controlling. My son will always support his wife no matter what. Eventually our first grandson was born n they flew to UK to see us. We made them very welcome and I thought all would be well. Sadly it’s not the case I walk on eggshells if I am ever in her company which is not very often but I love my two little grandsons although I see them one a year for about 1O days usually when my D H and I visit Tokyo. You can forgive but you never forget. I try so hard I send gifts over to them but she never acknowledges them. If our son face times with the children she sits there using her laptop and never says anything. It’s really sad but I was given some advice. I don’t let her see me upset and remain jolly but also was told to sit back and step off the gas. One day hopefully our grandchildren will be able to visit us when older. Sadly this can happen when sons marry but little you can do. Try not to get too upset v difficult I know especially if like us you were a close family. Best wishes.

There are so many Grandmothers here saying how painful the relationship is and giving such wise advice! I am always overwhelmed by the love and wisdom here on GransNet. I am so sorry for you annemac101, to hear that the tears are flowing and all of you who say, like annemac101 that this is your story too.

Isn't it strange how when we are young nobody tells us that this adorable little baby will grow up and when he makes us a Granny it will be the hardest time in our life?

Thank God we Grannies all have each other! A whole union of wisdom and love, across the world, meeting here on the www to send support and understanding and tell us we are not alone!

Apologies, it should have read

all of you who say, like fluttERBY123 that this is your story too.

I have been in this situation but decided to take the higher ground .If you let someone know they are hurting you they win the day. Make yourself not mind and very soon you won’t . If you see them fine if you don’t ,don’t bother . There is no other way. Live your life , enjoy them when you can ,agree and smile . Some people are born disagreeable and are always right . If your son happens to be married to one of them it’s because he’s more submissive than the woman . These people are generally difficult characters but someone has to love them . Just be as pleasant as you can . Never show you are annoyed . In the end you take the higher ground and this makes you the better person

I to are in this state I cry and cry but what can one do if you say some thing you lose your son I think when the family come around she say nothing when I ask her some thing its just one answer than stop it my grand daughter birthday to morrow but I just cant go as her family is all talking and just me sitting and no one talk to me but thay are good to my son and so I don't sat nothing

At least your Son's still speaking to you, for now

My husband had a very good relationship with both his parents, but I know, if I’d insisted I didn’t want us to have anything to do with them, he would reluctantly have agreed

I wouldn’t have done that, by the way!

Twig14
You have hit the button that sums up her personality:
she is totally controlling.
It is quite sinister that she cut her husband's family out of his wedding. It was a huge sign that she is isolating him from friends and family.
It sounds as if she is one of that group of people who control and coerce others.
I walk on eggshells is another red flag for such people.
gifts over to them but she never acknowledges is
another bad sign, that she ignores you because you are his family.

I think you are a wonderful lady, managing to keep going with dignity for the sake of your son and grandsons. I sincerely admire you. I am glad you were given good advice. In case you need a "top up" before your next meeting, I'm sure you know, there are lots of well-written advice papers on the internet, written by Psychologists and suchlike people with experience and knowledge in this field. Did you know it is a crime in the UK for a person to coerce and control another? See "News story
Coercive or controlling behaviour now a crime" (in the UK) ;
www.gov.uk/government/news/coercive-or-controlling-behaviour-now-a-crime
The crime is usually regarded as being inflicted by a man upon a woman. However there are instances of men being victims.
Some common examples of coercive behaviour are:
•Isolating from friends and family
•Depriving of basic needs, such as food
•Monitoring their time
•Monitoring the victim via online communication tools or spyware
•Taking control over aspects of their everyday life, such as where they can go, who they can see, what they can wear and when they can sleep
•Deprivation of access to support services, such as medical services
•Repeatedly putting the victim down, such as saying they’re worthless
•Humiliating, degrading or dehumanising the victim
•Controlling their finances
•Making threats or intimidating the Victim

I think there are more examples which might apply to a woman victimising a man.
I don't know if you are aware of all this but it might be worth acquainting yourself with the extreme end of controlling behaviour so if necessary you can be there to help your son and his sons. I am so distressed by the Wedding. It demonstrates a huge amount of control over your son. One day he may need your help

Wishing you much strength and happiness and praying for better times ahead with your son and his children. Elle x

As Tillybelle says so many stories all similar. I feel my son and his wife don't know me at all. They never ask what I did,how I enjoyed holidays,what do I do all week,what did I do when we had their children to stay,nothing. It all comes from me or hubby. I ask a question ,they answer in a few words,it's awful. I have spoken to my son about this and he said that's just the way he is, This isn't true he's completely different with friends and other family members.
On saying that he is just like my brother. We could never communicate. He laid scorn on anything that interested me and again never thought of asking anything about my life. It all came from me.
He passed away a few years ago and service was packed full of his friends ( he was single) all speaking about a great guy I felt I had never met. I felt even sadder he never showed his true self to me. The same as I now do with my son.

tomtom12. I am so sorry for you! Your message is so sad. Could you just go and see your Granddaughter and give her a gift? Just to see her? I would just smile at the others and say "hello" and try not to worry about their bad manners and unkindness. They may not even be aware of what they are doing, because they are so busy talking to each other.
God bless you, please try not to feel upset. You have a granddaughter who would not be here without you! Please try and see her on her birthday if possible. Be brave, you are a good kind person, do not let thoughtless and rough people affect you.

With lots of love, Elle x

Ooeyisit. That is such a brilliant answer!! I love what you say and how you say it!
You have listed my "Rules for coping when life sends you an awkward person"
1) Decide to take the higher ground - (let someone know they are hurting you they win)
2) Make yourself not mind and very soon you won’t
3) Some people are born disagreeable and are always right

Your last there sentences are so helpful I'm putting them on my noticeboard - with your permission, please!

annemac101. So sorry! It is the same for me with one of my children. We were so close when she was growing up too. When my three and their husbands meet up - usually near Christmas - they are all laughing and having a great time. But in a different room from me. I go to them and they start to wander off...
I used to be so close to them! As teenagers they used to bring their mates to our house and the young ones were all so friendly and polite to me. I never imposed on them. I have never done anything unkind or embarrassing or difficult to them. When I think of how cruel my own mother was, yet I always showed her love and respect and looked after her.... I just don't understand this generation. I think they just do not like old people. I hear a lot of critical and, frankly, judgemental and wrong accusations made against our generation on TV these days.
Poor you! I feel your pain. We need to stick together, These people, your brother, your son, will never understand how hurtful they are. We must just console each other. Ooeyisit said some really helpful things about just accepting them and "going higher". I believe that, with practice, it is possible to do this.
Sending lots of love, Elle x

Wow, I am flabbergasted by all the wisdom and support from every single Reply to my post. I wasn't sure what to expect, particularly since I did not present details.

Thank you ALL so much for sharing your stories. I cherish each one. I feel encouraged.

Your son sounds lovely, we don't know how old he is but he has three children. Not knowing the details I can only read between the lines and assume he has met an assertive partner? Maybe he sees her as assertive and you see her as in control?

We don't know what was said at your heart to heart, but it does sound to me like you need to loosen your ties with him, maybe just a little, let go of what was said when you felt disrespected, move along with your own plans and enjoy seeing your son, grandchildren, smile nicely and do the small talk with the sons partner. Remember if he loves her, he will take her side of there are sides to be taken, not because he doesn't love his mum. He was once your little boy, now he is a father to three children, and his assertive / in control partner may well be just what he needs at this time in his life.

I hope that you can still be a wonderful granny, mother and tolerant and kind to your sons partner should the relationship be permanent.