Feel Misunderstood

Thank you 3dognight - Wonderful encouragement and good advice.

So many sad stories - I too feel as though I've lost my son (an only child) . Though he rings regularly, and we meet up occasionally, it's always just him rather than with his family.
My dil is a controlling person and I have no contact with my two young grandchildren which breaks my heart every single day and every sleepless night.

In life it is only One Small step from being a Dil to becoming a Mil

All your answers are good and incisive....I can’t add any words because all my married life while my MIL was alive , my husband ALWAYS put her advice and feelings first. He was an out and out mummies boy, and my father in law took me to one side ,after she had blatantly lied about me to my husband, and told me that I will never win an argument with her as long as she dragged my son into it! He was right. So your son siding with his partner is refreshing and totally expected. Bite your tongue...she may not be around long.

Thank you Tillybelle for liking my advice in my last comment.

Yes, I read those words in paragraph 4, also:

"...do what's right, be respectful, try to not let my feelings be hurt, try not to take things personal, and just try to enjoy time with them."

And I understand making this adjustment can be hard to do, so "try" may be the most the OP can handle right now.

But she said she's "having difficulty" doing all this and said she felt very "disrespected." And that's what I, for one, was trying to address and, hopefully, ease.

Solonge, excellent comparison!

"At least your Son's still speaking to you, for now"

Missieff"s comment is so important, IMO. As long as DS is speaking to you, the door is open for you to continue the relationship, even if it means overlooking a few things.

I realize that DS' speaking to you does not seem like "enough" (my word), Nwieaa since you don't get to see the GC, I'm so sorry about that. Hugs! And I hope that will change as they get older.

Glad our posts made you feel "encouraged," Dina! Best of luck moving forward! And please keep us posted!

The fact is it is his life. You should step back and let him live his life as he chooses. You have said what you have said and that is that. When you accept it is his life to live as he wants that does not mean YOU are forgotten or suddenly do not exist. My friend has recently lost his son, died suddenly aged 35, so it must be the case that your son/child has made his chosen path. You should concentrate on your life. If the girl is a bad choice or of dubious character your son will see this - one day. Stress always comes when you walk the middle line. When you take a real decision to step back and live your life with positive energy the making of that decision for you immediately lifts any anxiety and concern. He has not been hit by a Bus.. he has made choices.. thats what we all do.

Hi Dina yes this is Gransnet at its best and some great posts. I am on this journey. And it is the most painful one. The way I look at it in the drama of life we have been centre stage and it is now others turn. We must step back into the wings and be as graceful and grateful as we can whilst the main actors are on stage. And they might be really dreadful, be really nervous, be over confident, embarrassingly bad but we must stand there and applaud. That's how I'm dealing with it. I might get called on at the end and be given a bunch of flowers but of course I want to be main billing, but that is no longer in my gift in the way of things. But I might get a character part with the children...

Thank you all for continued support and wonderful advice. To be honest, I'm kinda glad that I didn't post the actual details of some things that were said and how I perceived them. I feel leaving out those details and reading all of your valued replies has helped me to feel a little more relaxed, so-to-speak, about moving forward.

Some of you have hit the target of how I'm feeling: rejected, unwanted, no longer needed. However, I do realize this is something that I, myself, need to figure out how to survive with peace. True, I need to focus more on my life ... not meaning self self self, but simply enjoy my life as it is now. I get that and thank you all for helping me to see that even more so. Now, to just figure out HOW to do this.

I have other challenges to express but I think I would like to start new Titles of Posts to address them. It would be too overwhelming for me to try and keep up with various concerns in one post.

Dear DinaLK. Just to send you many best wishes as you move forward and to congratulate you on getting through this far. It is not always easy posting on a forum for help but I'm glad people understood your unhappiness and feelings of rejection.

I have found that having my life to myself is actually very enjoyable! Being able to do what ever I want - within reason! being flexible so I can alter things if the weather isn't right... I seem to be more busy now than before! My head is always filling up with things to do and I find it hard to keep up! Then of course there are the after lunch naps that, at our age, we are entitled to take!

I hope you find the right help for your other challenges. It certainly surprised me at how many obstacles and unforeseen difficulties I had to negotiate in my old-age. Some could have happened at any time of life but I definitely could have done without them in my later years!

Finding clubs and interests was a good way forward for me. I used to swim and where I went there were classes for older people or people with injuries etc. to stretch and keep supple. I loved going to these and made such wonderful friends. I also sing with a choir and they are half made up of the university students who are gorgeous and the rest are us who somehow have a connection. There's another choir I may gravitate to which meets during the daytime. Going out at night in the Winter does not appeal to me now.

I think your post made a lot of us think. I do hope you find peace of mind and can create a truly lovely and fulfilling life for yourself.

I feel sure many people would join with me in sending you love and best wishes,
from
Elle x

Difficult to judge here. We hear about daughters being in controlling relationships and gradually being cut off from their families but the boot can be on the other foot and a son's partner can be gradually controlling and alienating.

I am not suggesting anything so serious is happening here but either way, the best thing to do is keep stumm, say nothing that might aggravate the situation. As others say our children are adults and like us, back when we were the same age, we wouldn't have brooked interference from our parents in our private lives, certainly not on where our partners were involved and why should they.

I agree with Bridgeit. ...Try to live your own life now and not one
Through your son.

If he's happy then be happy for him
and as someone else said "Let it GO"
and create a good life for yourself.

All the best to you.

So many hurting parents/GPs here! My heart goes out to you all!

Annemac, I teared up, too, just reading your post. IMO, it was insensitive of DS not to visit you in the hospital till the 3rd week. Bless DIL for coming twice - and w/ the GC! Maybe DS thought this was the same as his coming? But, IMO, it isn't. And I don't care how busy an AC is, they should always be able to find some time for a sick mum.

Twig, you seem to have the opposite problem. I imagine you feel snubbed by DIL, but perhaps she feels it's enough if DS thanks you for gifts, and if he and the GC Skype with you? After all, you and DH get a 10 day visit every year, so it doesn't seem that she dislikes you. Some people couldn't bear being around their ILs for 10 whole days! For the rest, perhaps you need to just enjoy your contact w/ DS and the kids and never mind about DIL?

Tillybelle, I'm so sorry about the way your AC and CIL treat you - and on Christmas of all times! Perhaps you'd be better off spending your holiday w/ other relatives or friends who appreciate you more? Unless there are grands you want to be around, then I could understand your putting up w/ this behavior. If so, maybe it would be better to just focus on enjoying your GC and ignoring your AC's/CIL's conversations? Just a thought...

You can't win and you will make it harder for your son who will resent having to keep the peace between you & when pushed will always back his partner. That's what happens. Remember they have a sexual relationship,
it makes a huge difference. Heaven only knows what she did! And so quickly. Sounds like you disliked her from the start. You should bite your lip & never criticise only because it's self defeating. I really do understand it is hard & hurtful for you but we have to be pragmatic if we want to stay close. Find interesting things to do and tell him about those rather than looking for him to defend you. Poor you, it's not easy You are not alone!

BradfordLass for me and for other posters your advice is always honest, pragmatic and kind, you seem like the kind of person who would be good in an emergency!