They Are Trying Their Best, but I am Still Human

I ave 2 sons. Both live about 30 mins drive away- in opposite directions.
Elder one rings at least once a week just to catch up & brings DGC round quite often- although now one is nearly 15 so we don't see him that often- I am fine with that. If DS is over this way seeing old school friends- which is quite often he will just pop in.
Younger one rings maybe a bit less but then I do see his children at least once a week- they are younger so I pick them up from school one day a week. I see his wife to chat to when I take them home & he is usually home that day too.
I am quite happy with this arrangement- we do have the younger ones to stay at weekends quite often as younger son & DiL have a good social life. That is great & we used to have the others when they were younger too- now they don't need babysitting!
Having friends with daughters I do think that girls ring Mum more often. However I know if I need them my boys are only a short drive away & would drop everything if I needed them as I would ( & do!) if they need me.
Can't say fairer than that.
My Mum moved to Forest of Dean ( from Surrey) so I very rarely saw her when my children were small. I did ring her every day though.

I'm very lucky it seems as both my children live quite close.
Daughter and family literally across the road, so that close.
I have regular school pickups, which I love and am on call for any emergency child care, which I love, if doing nothing else.
My Son has his own Car Dealership business and Property Rental business and I am sometimes called on to help, in small ways, such as pick him up from the local garage, if he's dropped a car off for repair or the best fun ever, taking the occasional trade-in car to the Scrap-yard with him. We laugh so much! Mainly because he gets giddy and thinks it's hilarious, me, following him into a scrap -yard. I sometimes look after his properties while he's away and be on call to sort out any emergency repairs or whatever. Although, luckily, I've never had to do anything.
Also, if he and Dil are away I look after my youngest grandson, he's sat here with me now in his jim-jams. ?
So I'm very lucky to have contact from one or other probably every day and we not only part with a "love you" but they always kiss me on the cheek as do all my grandchildren.
Have to say, after telling you all this! It was my birthday yesterday and he has forgot, no card, no phone call from Spain. Just wait till he gets home!!!! Grrrrr! Although daughter and older Granddaughters arranged a lovely day for me so it was fine.

I speak to my Mum 2/3 times a week, sometimes more, sometimes less, it all depends what's going on, Mum is 90 & we live 300 miles apart.

DD & I message now as she has a busy life with DGS1 (9) & DGS2 (2). We may message several times a day but phone rarely. I see them when I can as I only live about 10 miles away now but it depends on or commitments. We all know the other is there if needed.

All family dynamics are different but in think sons are less inclined to frequent contact than daughters

I hear from AC when they need something or have some knowledge to impart.
DD rings me on mothering Sunday and on my birthday. Information is delivered by messenger from DD and DS.
I talk more to DIL on the phone, she rings me and asks about childcare and finalises sleepover arrangements. She is a very caring DIL.

Every day?! Surely that’s expecting far too much. I would be worried if my son suddenly started contacting me that often!

I think you are expecting too much from your DS. & can imagine so many calls would be annoying especially if there is no specific purpose.
Why not set up a family WhatsApp group? which you can all contribute to and dip in and out of when you feel the need, its great for sharing pictures and videos.
My son lives abroad & we FaceTime once a week for a good chat. I do fret a bit if I don't hear from him for some time, but thats my problem, he has a busy life and will contact when he can.
I think to be treated as a friend having an adult chat you will have to take the pressure of them to respond. They clearly love you but maybe could do without so many calls.

My Son and I SKYPE most evenings, he lives quite close but is very busy, we exchange news etc we dont speak for a long time, but we enjoy the communication.My Daughter rings mostly when she wasnts something, she doesnt like talking on the phone, but is quite happy to text,where has communication disapeared to these days!

Both my sons live in the next county and I usually have one weekend a month at both their homes. They both have high flying stressful jobs so I just text every week and if they can, will ring back. Son no:2 has always been more of a chatter than son no:1 but even so I am lucky with contact, and both their lovely ladies stay in regular touch too. My daughter is next door so no issues there, I know and so appreciate how lucky I am to have such great closeness with them all.

I speak to my mum most days. Normally on the phone, sometimes just WhatsApp, depending on what I'm doing really.
I try and speak to my daughter every day. She doesn't always respond. This depends on her chaotic lifestyle and what problems she is having that particular week.
We always say love you at the end of our conversations.
I speak to my brother often, my sister rarely. We have a sibling group chat though, where we share concerns about our mum mainly. As siblings we don't tell each other we love each other, I'm not sure why. We do love each other.
I tell my best friend I love her at the end of our conversations too.

I think you have to accept your relationship is what it is with your adult children OP. You cannot change them or their need for you. Dont stop sending your messages but dial down your expectations of them replying to you immediately. Dont send another msg until they do.
They know you love them. Take the pressure off them and you. Good luck ?

We have a family Whats App group, so send messages frequently via that, with pictures of things we have seen, comments about life in general and pics of the grandchildren. And comments, questions etc. But get calls from the UK ACs about once a week on average to make arrangements for any social events or just update on things they are doing. And Skype Aussie daughter about one a fortnight. I do have friends who get calls/texts from AC several times a day, which I think I would find too much, unless there was something important going on. Two Ds are also on Instagram so I see what they are up to on that too. I am happy with the level of contact we have, and presume ACs are too, as they always seem pleased to chat as long as they have time. It must be difficult when there is a mismatch of expectation/reality.

My late mother expected contact from me every day and got quite ‘nasty’ if I missed a day. I vowed I would never inflict that on my daughter - we have phone contact once a week and they come to me most Sundays for lunch.

I have a friend who has a son and daughter, both divorced, in their fifties, who have to visit/phone, etc every day, and give notice if they are busy elsewhere. I think this is appalling.

My daughter texts if she needs something ( usually kids need looking after, or an extra pick up from school). We never ‘chat’. My son will sometimes send me a funny photo/video from You Tube...as we have same sense of humour ...and will answer a text invitation to Sunday lunch ( he’s single)...again not much chat. But I know if I need them , they’d be there...same as if they need me I’d be there! I don’t expect them to be my friends , they have their own, as do I. Keep chatting for your friends.

My lot seem the other way round to most of you. My daughter hardly makes contact and if I haven't heard anything for over a month I text. she does texts back. My thoughts about her sporadic contact is relief ‘no news is good news’. A few years backs she telephoned in a state saying her best school friends mother who was younger than me had died. She was all “I don’t know what I’d do without you, I love you sooo much sob sob” it lasted about a month!. We’re back to normal now. My youngest son contacts me every week, sometimes more if there’s a problem. I send the odd text or call mostly about his ongoing treatment of his injury. He’s been in the forces since his teens so I think keeping contact has become a habit. I see the oldest a lot because of his wife’s awful illness and I’m in and out with the children. I do know it’s a fine line between keeping the lines of communication open and being too involved. The problem is if it goes wrong it’s always seen as our fault. I’ve no advice really Dina try not to feel too deflated maybe their just not talkers. Try a text when you think they may not be busy (not meal times) start with just a “hey how are you(I always say my lovely boy, but I’m soppy ( my DiLs tell me they know when it’s a text from me because they grin) and if their honest they quite like that”) you may be lucky and get one back if not try a week later hopefully that’ll do it and put your mind at rest that their ok. It does seem as though their not great talkers so don’t expect too much. I do hope when they do see you their a bit more forthcoming. We mothers love too much and that’s the cause of all our pain, it was ever so. It’s price we pay.

Thankfully my daughter rings two three times a day when walking to work or in her dinner hour. When I hear nothing from her especially on a weekend I know she’s busy and out or rushing doing chores so I don’t text. I leave it to her to ring me as she is busier than me, I hope we continue in this adult way, as she is a brill daughter.

2 of mine text or phone at least once a week and son calls at house if he is down this way.Other son only calls to confirm baby sitting or any financial matters as he looks after my assets.He never answers his phone but I think if I actually needed him for emergency he would help.

Youngest daughter at home so we talk all the time. Eldest daughter lives 5 minutes away but I can go a fortnight without seeing her. If I don’t hear from her for 3 or 4 days I just send a text and ask her if she’s ok. Her usual reply is just “ yes” but when she has a problem or needs advice, texts and calls are pretty regular til it’s sorted then we go back to once a fortnight!! She works hard and if I needed her she would be there in a second. Always finish a text or call with “ love you “

We only use phones for urgent messages. Otherwise, we have a family Skype window open, and everyone drops in and out when it suits them, and can catch up on everyone's news.
I also find it handy to be able to look back if I have forgotten an arrangement, which I can't do with a phone call.

I think the key to this is to communicate Adult to Adult rather than what your son picks up which is Parent to Child. It doesn’t really matter what you say but if the response is from their Child, it invites you to reply in your Parent and it’s a ‘here we go again ‘ conversation. I work really hard, believe me, to maintain an Adult approach to my children. Sometimes it works and then the relationship is better, sometimes we slip and then it is less satisfactory. An example of this in action would be:
He calls and you say ‘oh Simon, great to hear from you, what have you been up to? I’ve got some interesting news’
Simon responds, you listen.
Wrong way to do it:
He calls, you say ‘Hi Simon, it’s ages since you called ‘. He immediately reverts to his Child. Try it, it’s not rocket science , it’s subtle and it works. For a far more detailed explanation read Eric Berne TA theory.

Unbelievable! Not entirely sure what your expectations are, just glad you were not my mother.

I am lucky as both daughters live very near and I see them most days sometimes for several hours sometimes just a few minutes. We have a family WhatsApp as well for messages or Ill text them to ask something. Before I moved near them we would ring several times a week and take it in turns to visit every 4-6 weeks. We are very close. One daughter is single the other married. I text my SIL sometimes and get on quite well with him but most communication is through my daughter

I don’t think there is a ‘norm’ for families keeping in touch as all are so different, and living different lifestyles, some laidback and others stressed and very busy.
All I can say OP is that you do have a relationship with your children, even if it’s not what you would wish for.
Sons are less communicative as a rule than daughters, anyway.
The main thing is, that they do contact you and the fact that they are independent means you did a good job of bringing them up.We wouldn’t want clingy needy AC would we?

I see DD and SiL and the grandchildren at least once a week. I am "Granny's taxi to the kayak club on Wednesday evenings for 12 year old granddaughter.
I see my son every Thursday as he continues to come for lunch. He stays a couple of hours and then goes home. Communication with him during the rest of the week is by text message. Sometimes he replies, sometimes not. He has a business to run, so I expect he's very busy.

I don’t like telephone conversations, and would much rather send texts. I find it very odd that I can send texts and WhatsApp messages to my DD and she will not reply for days, or when I remind her that I need a reply! These ‘youngsters’ are bristling with technology. She has the latest phone, wears an Apple watch, has an app for everything under the sun and has no excuse for not knowing I am trying to get in touch with her. I have now resorted to texting my SiL now if I need a prompt reply - he is more forthcoming. My son is a bit more proactive - he will ring for a chat, send WhatsApp messages, photos, jokes. I love them both and know that they love me. They are just made differently.

I think it depends on the individual, but I do think, generally, daughters are better at keeping in touch than sons. My daughter often texts, and we skype regularly, always finishing off with, 'Love you'. Whereas my son will send the occasional text, usually when he wants something!Lol He rarely says, 'love you', although I know he does (he did on Mother's Day!). Since GD came along, we do make an effort to video call once or twice a week, mainly so I can interact with GD!
My husband doesn't call his mother for months on end, and only then after I've continually reminded him that it's time he called her! Whereas I speak to my father most days, especially since my mum passed away. I must admit though, it's rather difficult to have much to talk about, when we speak so often.
It is nice to speak to DS & DD, but I do realize that they have their own lives, and don't want me calling them everyday, nor would I want to, as we'd have nothing to talk about, and I think they'd get irritated with me!
However, DiL's mum does call Dil everyday, and she often fills me in on bits of news about my son and GD, which, I must admit, slightly irks me!Lol But it's just the way it is, I guess. When my mum was alive, we spoke everyday, and saw each other most days. It's only now, years later, that my husband tells me the daily contact, between mum & I, used to annoy the hell out of him!Lol

We have various WhatsApp Groups, family, separate children with both DH and I and individual one to ones. There is usually something going on somewhere or bits of gossip going around.

I see DD1 most weeks after the school run, DD3 comes about once a fortnight and DD2 comes for a week 3 or 4 times a year. DS1 we see occassionally and DS2 quite often for a wave as he drives his younger son to school past our house.

We meet for lunch sometimes, or to collect or deliver grandchildren for sleepovers. And, when there is an occasion we all get together.

None of it is set in stone. It occurs!