They Are Trying Their Best, but I am Still Human

My mother in law calls every day at about 8am in the morning. She’s in her 90’s and there is always something that must be done right away that isn’t urgent. Never a chat, just a list of wants. I am now deaf to the phone, perfect time to have a shower and leave DH to it

My daughter in Brighton has just told me she has booked a hotel in France for her and two gs for August. No mention of coming to Ireland. ? Oh well..... I suppose its more exciting than visiting granny. We just have to let them live their lives. I hope they have a great time.

Bradford Lass, fantastic insight.. Wow so true!! If only we could all be adult to adult, this wouldn't occur. Each party needs to take responsibility for that, like a business relationship, respectful and professional. I do this with more distant family and we all get on well. Unlike closer family who say what they like, and create the environment for miscommunication

Really liked your family saying BradfordLass. There is another Buddhist saying which I find a great help—There is no ‘should’
When you think about it so much of our pain comes from that word.
I/He/she should/shouldn’t have done that. If we can link that with the modern one ‘Let it go’!! we will be a lot more content!

Bradford Lass, I agree. There are exceptions to the rule as you describe it . My own mother who had her faults as we all do could be exceptionally charming and witty when in the mood. Although she could not understand the more specialist or intellectual concerns of her educated sons she engaged their interest by her charm.

I am not witty or charming like she could be however I do have genuine interests in common with my sons interests which are not small talk or necessarily intellectual talk. I'd hesitate to bore them with small talk, although they are aware of my need to have them check in regularly and frequently that I am not dead or something.

I must be really lucky, I Skype with my son daughter in law and grandson at least 4 times a week, but definitely have a call from him every day. I messenger with my daughter daily and know that if she doesn’t reply it’s because the prison is on lock down.

My son lives 400 miles away and due to health problems we only manage to visit 4 times a year, our daughter comes and stays for a long weekend at least once every six weeks which sadly will stop soon because her and her wife are adopting which is absolutely amazing.

A mother has a very special, deep love for her child.
However much a son loves his Mum, it will never equal her love for him.
So we have unequal expectations.

Mum who still adores her son, would love more communication because in the past that's what's made her feel loved.

Son who is now adult and has put away childish things, is non-plussed that his Maman still wants to hear from him.

Small talk is probably never on his agenda so what difference does it make what he's done today? He's not in the slightest bit interested in what Mum's done during her day, why would he be?

And so it goes on - a sad circle of misunderstanding often quite wrongly interpreted as you don't love me any more and in son's case why is she always fussing?

What Mums are really saying is, 'I'm still here and I still love you very much and I want you to care about me as you used to when you were little.'

What our AC are saying, in essence, is 'You did your job Mum, you've launched me into the world, now let me get on with it.'

I'm glad so many GNers have regular contact with their ACs (can't write/read that without thinking air conditioning ) but I honestly think we have a failure of communication we may never resolve.

In my family we have a saying that has stood us in good stead, 'If there's a difference between the expectation and the reality, don't blame reality.'

We so often have expectations which others are simply incapable of fulfilling. That's the reality.

Ditto Alexas comments

You explain very well.

Just a suggestion: ask him for advice about something you sincerely want someone's opinion about. E.g. politics: food hygiene: best way to tackle overgrown tree: would I look silly in trainers: how does one get the best buy in mobile phones: recommend a good joiner: and so on.

I'm in daily contact with all my children (and The Wonderful Man) through a family WhatsApp group - it's where we share photographs and odd bits of news. I also have individual WhatsApp accounts for each child that we use to convey private messages. Additionally my daughter calls me for an occasional chat, usually when her husband is away or if there's a child related issue she wants to talk through. My older daughter FaceTimes me from NZ about once a month and we also email. My eldest son calls in extremis usually and never for a 'chat', but as I see him quite often we both prefer the fact to face approach.

And then there is my youngest son who is actually the son described in your 'wish list' above. He visits twice a month, often staying for the weekend, and on the alternate weekends he calls/FaceTimes me just for a chat. We talk about all sorts of things, he always notices if I'm under the weather, he asks my advice (and sometimes he even takes it) and ends every conversation with, 'I love you mum'. Ahhh! But of course that's not the whole story; this son has been through some terrible times and keeping in regular touch with his dad and me, and his siblings, is actually helping him to keep his life on an even keel.

Love0c

You are right about sons, we have two daughters and a son, we see all of them all the time, because we all work together.

We probably know every detail of our daughters lives, sometimes more than we want to know! Despite spending long hours at work together, we spend a lot of weekends together as well.

Our son, on the other hand, I feel we know almost nothing about, any bit of information has to be dragged out of him, I met an old friend of his in town this week, and she asked me if he was married yet, I said he could be, we’d be the last to know!

So, you aren’t on your own, boys can be secretive in the extreme

We have two married sons. The eldest lives 350 miles away. The youngest lives 30 minutes drive away. The eldest and I were very close until he married and his personality altered. The younger one has stayed pretty much the same since he married. The eldest rings on the way home from work a couple of times a week. He often is full of woe. Problems with work, house, car children not sleeping, no money etc etc. If i offer advice I am the bad guy so now I just listen. I always try to be upbeat but find it hard to do all the time as I get down myself due to how my husband are treated by both of them . We are their first port of call as soon as they need something. We like this but just wish they would be more considerate between 'the wants'. The younger never answers txts!! Again he rings as soon as he needs something. My husband and I have made our life our two sons I guess. Probably a mistake? Everyone I know who has girls and boys all say the girls are much more 'friendly' than their boys. Husband and I have both cried many tears over the last few years, something we never thought we would do. You just have to toughen up and get on with your own life in between the contact. It is hard and we have not yet managed or fathomed out how to do this yet. I know our DIL of the eldest is always in contact with her mother. We get on better with the younger sons wife. She seems to be far more happy to include us in things so we do hang on to that. But as I have said it is extremely hard. You are far from being on your own in accepting children do not appear to bother about us? In fact I think you are with the majority!! lol. Try to smile, feel positive even though you feel terrible inside and thank god you have contact. It is obvious so many parents do not have contact with their children through no fault of their own whatsoever. we have grandchildren with both our sons so we bite our tongues, take insults, you name it we take it! I hope his doesn't seem really negative, I am just trying hard to make you feel better about your situation by realising that this is normal for so many parents. I do hope you feel better about it all soon. I once read to only give advice or your opinion when asked for it and even then don't give it!!Take care of yourself

DinaLK just because they communicate like this doesn't mean they don't think about you. There's no getting away from the parent/child form of communication which always creeps in. Giving advice is often unwanted..how you cook your beef etc. The fact that he was distracted from your call shows it wasn't a convenient time to talk. One of the greatest courtesies when ringing someone is to ask first if its convenient for them to talk. When I was younger and my mum phoned me, she would say this first. I also do it. But the main thing is not to ring them as much and always have some news for them. Good luck

What does it tell you if your AC don't respond promptly to calls/texts? That you are contacting them more often than they want to hear from you. The more they know you are leading a happy a fulfilled life without talking to them, the more likely they are to contact you. If you are busy with your own things, they won't see you as clingy or dependent. This is how to have an "adult" relationship with another adult.

Both my sons married last year within a month of each other and things do change. I think you have to be realistic and accept that they have their own lives and will not always make daily contact. Mine will contact me when they have something to say, how the house sale is going, how the job is going etc etc. I will sometimes text just a brief hello, one usually replies quite quickly the other will take his time. One DIL will respond quicly the other does not. That is how it is! I think I am lucky though, one son comes round three times a week to use his equipment that is still here, and the other parks his car here as he only has one parking space at his flat. You have to accept that they are grown up and we are no longer a priority as such. I have just come out of Hospital and they were brilliant, texts several times a day and visits. Now I am home its almost back to normal

Before our daughter married an American and went to live in NY, we agreed that we would Skype every week, which we do, sometimes for a hour, on Sunday afternoons.We never run out of things to say and I know we all miss each other very much, but she is very happy over there, with their own flat in Central Manhattan and excellent jobs. She has just (2days ago) had her first baby, a little boy, so we are going over to meet him in a few weeks, and we usually manage to get together once or twice a year. We always finish our Skype calls with “We love you” Sometimes they say it first, sometimes we do. If we think of something urgent to communicate in between Skyping, we buzz over an instant message and get back to each other immediately. It’s not quite as good as having them nearer home, but it makes them seem quite close. We wish they would come back here, though, so we could help more with the baby, as he will have to go into full-time nursery at the age of 3 months, when our daughter has to go back to work.

I have 3 AC -DD and 2 DS. Speak to DD several times a week (used to be more but she's back at work now), hardly speak to or see DS at all! I know they love us and they do contact us but not often.

My own family of 4 AC - 3 younger brothers and me - speak to our Mum on several different schedules! Me - twice a week, eldest and middle brother daily (often on their way home from work) and the youngest lives at home following his divorce.

We're all different - perhaps you need to look at when you call. there's nothing more annoying than trying to get a meal ready and have a polite conversation!

Wonderful update, Dina! Best of luck!

The range of differences in contact is amazing! I feel for those of you who aren't satisfied w/ the amount or style of communication you're getting. Sometimes, I know it's about the relationship, but other times, IMO, it's about personalities. Some people just don't feel as much need for communication as others or just aren't into calling or texting, etc. WhatsApp often seems to get results, as do private messages on FB.

Sadly not

I could have written your post Dina except I don't phone nor text unless something has to be communicated. I only see my only son once a year at Christmas unless I call in to his work and then I am not particularly welcome so I don't unless I have something to deliver to the family. I too would love to have a normal adult relationship with both him, his wife and my DGD but they are always too busy and to be fair I am busy too. I would however always change any plans for them if they wanted to see me. Safely not.

I seldom had contact with DD1 who lives three hours away and has a very busy life before WhatsApp was invented. Now one liners and photos shoot back and forth several times a week. Pictures of the DGC, the run she went on, a newly decorated room..... a quick bit of news. WhatsApp is wonderful! We have a family group and separate contacts too. WhatsApp has brought the siblings more together too. They only used to contact each other through me!

We are not great communicators, my three ADD and I. We live on the basis that we know each other are there and can rely on each other to be in touch if necessary. DD1 has started to phone a bit more often, sometimes as much as about every two weeks, probably because I am older - not terribly old yet though. The phone calls are terrible as neither of us is good on the phone and can't think of what to say.
I would be stuck for what to say everyday! It sounds far too often to me! We do say "I love you." I have a friend who phones almost daily, possibly to see if I am alive. Sometimes I find it hard to know what to say and so talk rubbish. She asks if my children have been in touch and I feel she is judging them and it upsets me.
My children send the odd email and text, often with photos of the grandchildren which is lovely. These are irregular depending on what is happening. I get post cards if they go away at all.
I am happy with the low level of contact because I know they are there and if I want to I can get in touch and so can they. I would hate them to have to feel they had to phone mummy in order to be good children. That would not be like our family.
I did phone my mother a lot and almost every day before she became too unwell to cope with the phone. She needed this though and was a different sort of person. I would hate it if my children felt they had to phone me in the way I felt I needed to keep my mum happy.
When I was a child and went to Guide camp, I never cried when we drove away or after the parents went home after their visit. I couldn't understand why others did! Often the visit was on a Wednesday and we were going home on the Saturday! But I just used o say to them that their home was still there so they didn't need to cry.
It is striking how different we all are in this thread. I do notice that there are many frequent communicators who live near enough to babysit and the phone calls seem to be about arranging things like that!
I don't think men do communicate as much as women. I think it is something related to the fact that there are many more men who are autistic than women! When I explained to an elderly friend what autism was, because I was working on an international research project on it, and said about the lack of communication part, she immediately said, "That's all men then, isn't it?" I joke that it explains me. But as I keep saying, I don't feel the need to keep phoning, because I know that if there's something we do need each other for we will be in touch.

vivonce,
no its not sad talking to your cat I talk to mine all the time and she answers back, just wish I understood her lol

Hi Dina, I am with everyone who doesn't like to phone or be phoned, except for vital information exchange. On the other hand, Whatsapp is brilliant because you can send photos e.g. 'saw this in the shop and thought of you'. They can respond with an emoji, and you know then they are still okay. There is something about WhatsApp that makes your posts err on the side of humour. Good luck with finding what suits you and your family.

I have four Sons, three in relationships, youngest at home, long term relationship broke up but he has bought a house and will be moving out soon- I am fine with that. The 3 youngest are loving and affectionate, my eldest Son however is a ' satellite' to our family. I know he loves me but... it hurts that he is so close to her family. Girlfriend and Mother are joined at the hip , no friends etc. It hurts but there is nothing I can do about it, I have to tread on eggshells despite it all. Could you text them with some good news or something interesting to them? Having adult Sons is like having anew boyfriend, you tread on eggshells. However I have a fab relationship with two Daughters in law xx Don't take it personally, I really don't think they mean to hurt, they are just different to us. Do you have a partner to talk to? xxx