Opinions please

We have four children and have helped them all out one way or another, at different times and in different ways when the need has arisen. The other three mostly don't know what each one has had, but why should they - this is not to say there is anything secret it's just not come up.

I would just say do what you think needs doing - another thing, whatever you do and however they differ in wealth, give them equal shares in your will.

I don’t agree with treating AC differently. As parents, we don’t necessarily know our children’s financial position. The flashy car and big house might be on credit, and the family who maybe walk everywhere and live in a small property could well have plenty of cash in the bank.

I always think what you do for one you should do for the others. I was one of three children and my father always favoured my younger sister. Over the years he has bailed her out with money on numerous occasions somewhere to the tune of at least 20000 thousand pounds. This caused extreme resentment with me and my brother who were struggling with high interest mortgages and young family. However my dad's attitude which I could never understand was well you have a husband and my brother a wife. To this day this whole issue had caused a rift in the family. So whatever you do try not to fall out over money matters.

Most of my 5 have needed a bit of help from time to time. They not only received what we could spare, but they have also chipped in with help for each other, as required. No-one keeps tabs, knowing that ‘what goes around, comes around. I am very proud of them all.

I agree cheeky . Some people manage their finances proudly. Others just keep making the same mistakes...

Were the adult children all given the same opportunities? Did you provide as equally as possible for them when they were under your care?
I would not give the “struggling” adult special treatment. I would offer to help them help themselves. But no freebies or handouts.
Everyone is wired differently. Some people don’t have drive and are just fine with barely squeaking by. It is unfortunate when these people have children.
But you can give and give and give but all they will do is take and take and take.
It will never be enough, and you will cripple them for the future. Don’t let them become dependent or even reliant on you. And once you pass your other children will have to pick up where you left off. Don’t put that burden on them.
Adults must stand on their own two feet.

We will leave our DC the same in our will but have always tried to help them out as needed. When they were very young and we had the inevitable 'it's not fair' we always said life wasn't fair and they would never be treated exactly the same as they weren't identical. I think they accept that they have all received help from us, monetary and otherwise, when they needed it, but we've never tried to give all the same (we couldn't afford it anyway).

I would say no you don't. Help which ever one is struggling, not with vast amounts of money but with smaller amounts here and there. You never know fortunes could reverse and the others may need help one of these days. My daughters understand my feelings and they frequently help each other financially, again not with vast amounts but with day to day living.

Sodapop and Sara I am the same with children and gc, they get help when and as needed. Sometimes it big things like driving lessons others is just buying the travel insurance for a holiday for one of them. They all know they are much love however much or little they get.

Forgot to say in my will they will all be treated the same

Thank you all for your comments.
It seems that opinions are divided. My situation is slightly complicated, in that we have 2 children each. It is one of my husband's that is struggling. He wants to give them a lump sum, but doesn't want to give an equal amount of money to his other AC and he wants to keep it secret. I just know there will be huge upset if it ever comes out......and then there are my children who are both working hard to make ends meet.
I think we should give them all an equal amount....it seems unfair to penalise those who work hard and manage. It will just be less to divide 4 ways later.

I remember years ago, when my sister's marriage broke up and she was struggling to bring up two children, our mother gave her the money to buy herself a new coat. She then felt obliged to offer me the same. I refused as I did not need the money, we argued a bit but when I told her I would just give it to my sister she had to accept that.
We have helped our own ACs as and when they needed it. We paid for their wedding breakfasts, although the actual costs were different, they each had what they wanted.They will inherit equally when we go.

We have given when we’ve been able to ... one financially, another with time and the third still lives at home while completing her Masters but has a chronic illness and needs much support at times. That support has often been from her older brother and sister and their families now we their parents are getting older. I also feel that inheritance should be a bonus not an expectation or right!

Lynker

Maybe in an ideal world it would be great to hand out large sums of money to all your children, but for some people, it would put them into financial hardship themselves, you never know what’s coming, maybe in a few years another child will need help, and you’ll be handing out cheques all around again