Feel sorry for DH

There has been no suggestion whatsoever that the d.i.l.'s father be punished Summerlove. As other posters have said, the little boy could have given his card to his GF when the other GF wasn't present.

I really don't understand why you feel the d.i.l.'s behaviour in this situation is beyond reproach but we can agree to disagree.

If you've ever experienced of this kind of behaviour, the constant drip feeding of seemingly insignificant incidents that leave you feeling you can't say anything, because if you do you'll be accused at best of over reacting and at worse being seen as the problem, you'll know just how insidious it can be.

I agree annepl that this d.i.l. knows exactly what she's doing and why. Like you we're also unfortunate to have personal experience which resulted in our son going no contact 6.5 years ago.

We miss him and our only GC but are thankful that we no longer have to deal with his wife.

FIL's offspring is your son, not your dil. She had 0 obligation towards tour dh on father's day.

It is bad enough you are blaming the wrong person. That is already creating a rift in the family.
It is worse that you are holding her responsible and guilty for a crime she did not commit.
If you truly want to have a good relationship with your son, dil and gc, watch out.

Your expectations are not the golden standard to follow.
Your son and dil have their own rules and expectations that clearly do not match yours.

It’s not that I think DIL is beyond reproach, it’s that I think it’s not her job to ensure that her husband’s parents get the same level of involvement. That’s her husband’s job.

I also think in this case DIL knows exactly how her inlaws feels about her, and isn’t willing to go above and beyond the same way she does for her parents. Would you go out of your way for someone who dislikes you so much? I wouldn’t.

I also think that just as how on mumsnet it’s not always the MILs fault, we need to remember that it’s not always the DILs fault here.

It’s sad that it came out this way, but the lack of putting responsibility where it lies (the child’s father) really rankles me.

His job, her job. Since when did teaching a young child to be fair and kind stop being the responsibility of both parents, working together?

Sorry but also agree it was up to your son to get a card for fathers day. I know its my sons that send cards and presents for birthdays and mothers/fathers days, but I think that the DIL's have often chosen a gift for me, especially if its something to wear, not sure sons would have a clue what to buy.

I'm sorry to hear that Smileless. It's very sad for you. I don't want to lose contact for a third time which is why I just tread carefully. It works for me.

Maggie, it is up to both parents. That’s what we are saying. Mother is doing it, it appears the son is dropping the ball on working with her to teach it.

“Working together” doesn’t mean it’s simply the mothers job. If parents want to model behaviours to their children, both parents need to do it.

If this couple were working together, they’d be communicating with each other. They’d both have known that the child was going to present a card to one grandfather and the other would be left out. And perhaps, just perhaps, they’d have thought to explain to their child, together, that this wasn’t really a kind thing to do. That’s what parenting is about.

Mother is doing it? I beg to differ.

I don't understand how the kid could present a beautiful handwritten card to his Grandad, that everyone there admired and looked it yet the son missed the whole thing and only today, 4 days later, found out the card even exsisted. Was he there at that point?

You all went out for a lovely pub lunch for fathers day, your DH got a card from his son and a gift voucher for something he enjoys.
I would of just focused on that really.

If I disliked somone that much over 5 years, would I expect her to show me the same level of effort, love and respect as she does for her parents? No.
If somone thought of me as a bitch and has had issues with me over 5 years would I show them the same level of effort, love and respect as my own parents? Also No.
If things are 'amicable', then don't expect glitter and rainbows from her.

I don't think any good will come from this.
Hopefully your son will make a Father's day card with his son, for his Grandad next year. i think thats what I mean

Right so your ds got a card from the shop. Your dil would rather make a homemade card for her dad with her son.
What on earth is wrong with that.

What's your issue with not seeing her parents much. It's pretty normal to be nothing more than an aqaitance to tge other gp.
The amount of posts calling the dil names is ridiculous. No wonder so many mils and dils have problems.

So many posters fully expect dils to do all the running around after there sons it's ridiculous. If a grown man can't be arsed to sort out cards for his family then that's his problem.

This whole thread has blown my mind. No wonder so many men behave like children when they are raised to expect women to run around after them.

I think it's been established that the card was probably a handmade card from grandson to his grandfather on father's day (you can buy them in the shops for GF on father's day). That being the case, if mummy got the child to make a lovely card for one GF, would it have killed her to get him to make two, one for each GF?! Those who are saying that it should have been the daddy's responsibility to get the GS to make a card for his own father, I think are being a little selfish in their own attitudes. Perhaps daddy was at work all day, and mummy was at home, we don't know ...? Personally, I don't know any mummy who would deliberately do such a thing, unless they wanted to cause upset. Whatever the reason, whichever way you look at it, it was selfish.

....perhaps both parents work?
....do fathers not spend time with their children in the evenings? Or weekends?

What kind of pathetic men do you all know?

It's remarkable how far some people will go to blame the DIL. It's getting pretty far reaching in here.

There are a lot of assumptions being made about the son and DIL's roles and responsibilities in their private marriage. None of that is helpful for the OP.

What we do know is that OPs son and DIL invited OP and her DH to a Father's Day celebration lunch with them, their son and DIL's parents. At this lunch OPs son presented his father with a thoughtful card and gift card that OP's DH loved and appreciated.

OP also presented her father with a card. Son and DIL's son also gave a card to her father. OP's son did not acquire a card for his son to give his own father.

4 days later OPs son visited his mother and apologized for not getting his father a card from his son.

For all of this OP has declared that DIL is a bitch.

I will make an assumption here that DH has learned a powerful lesson. His lack of thinking ahead to the lunch and communicating with his wife lead to him hurting his mother's feelings... we're still not sure how his father felt about this.

But by all means, let's tar and feather the DIL.

I have only just come onto Gransnet now (2040) and cannot believe the number of replies. I have a chronic illness and need plenty of sleep which I am about to attempt.

Thank you everyone. It’s going to take me some time to read, digest and respond.

At first glance many posters have been quite punchy and have an ‘It’s obviously all your fault’ type attitude, or my son is blamed. None of which is true but, hey, why not just stick the boot in when you’re feeling smug and an opportunity arises?

Conversely, there are posters who have possibly experienced similar behaviour from a DIL or other family member, and they understand how it can hurt. Their empathy shines through.

Thank you for all your posts which I will read through over the weekend. However, it’s unlikely I will return to justify my thoughts on DIL and possibly open up another can of worms.

Thank you again and Good Night....

Don’t let anything you’ve read here upset you, nobody knows the exact situation, or how you feel about it.

I can tell you were very hurt, and I think I would feel the same

I didn't realize you were just venting and looking for like minded anti-DIL support at any cost (including reason and reality).

I understand now.

Glammanana said: "Now my DIL expects my son to buy for his parents and she for hers the same with any sibling gifts its "yours & mine""

This ^ is exactly what's going on w/ a lot of young couples today (Ive seen it on Mumsnet, etc.). Chances are, DIL feels it was up to DS to provide a card for his dad/DH, etc.

But then Bathsheba saidL " However, the daughter-in-law was well aware that there was a lovely hand written card from her little boy for her father, and therefore it is reasonable to expect that she would mention this to her husband and suggest he organises something similar for his own dad."

I agree w/ this ^^. But perhaps DIL did remind him and he still didn't do it/didn't think it would matter to DH/was trying to push DIL to take care of it, after all. I think some couples struggle over this, often w/ the wife trying to get the husband to take care of his FOO (family of origin), and the husband trying to shift the responsibility back onto her, where it would have been years ago. Parents/GPs, unfortunately, get caught in the crossfire. This may be what happened to DH, Fairydoll.

Also, I agree w/ 52bright and Maggie that they are not providing a very good example for DGS when it comes to fairness, etc. But nothing you can do about that.

But a PP asked if DH minded. If not, then I would leave it alone. If he did, then I might let DS know his dad was hurt. That's all. No badmouthing DIL or telling DS what he should do. See how he responds and what he does, if anything, in the future. Hopefully, it was just a foolish oversight and he'll do better next time.

Same w/ gifts for you. DIL may totally leave that up to DS due to the yours/mine idea. And either he doesn't think it's important, doesn't know what to get, feels a card should be enough, or is trying to coerce her into changing her position and getting your gifts.

I'm not sure why DIL shows you the gifts she gets for her friends though. Maybe she's just showing off. But if she knows DS doesn't give you any gifts - and surely, she does - then, IMO, it's insensitive.

Is she sending you a message ("I care more about my friends than I do about you")? Possibly. But more likely, she just thinks your gifts are something between you and DS.

Also, I'm sorry DIL and her FOO tend to ignore you. It may be an extreme form of yours/mine. Not sure why her parents would participate in it though. They all sound rather cold and rude. However, that doesn't absolve DS of his own responsibility towards his parents. He should do his best to make you feel included, etc.

I can understand what some are saying about it being DS’s responsibility but it could be that OP’s family do not traditionally do it this way. All gifts/cards from DH and I were from both of us. Yes, it was usually me who got them (he wasn’t a great one for shopping but he did plenty of other things that made up for that). We would never have dreamed of him buying for his family and me buying for mine. The gift was wrapped and presented with a card from both of us. If OP is used to doing it this way then I can see why she is hurt and I would imagine that she is now even more hurt by some of the comments on here.

I’m with you craftynan

I agree completely, surely this is just common sense?

I agree with the posts referring to mismatched expectations. I'm truly sorry that the OP has expectations on her DIL that the DIL is not meeting.

But those are OPs feelings to manage. It's not anyone else job to manage her feelings for her.

She is absolutely entitled to her feelings, and to express them however she chooses. HOWEVER, that does not mean there are not repercussion to her actions regarding her feelings about her expectations of other people.

She can make this an issue between herself and her son, herself and her DIL or attempt to make it an issue between her son and her DIL OR she can accept her sons apology and realize not every family or relationship is going to abide by her rules of engagement and move on.