Self centredness

I reckon people become more extremely whatever they have always been. So if they have been loving and kind when they were younger, they become more loving and kind. If they have been rude and nasty, they become ruder and nastier. Of course some medical issues, such as dementia or stroke, can interfere and what happens seems like a totally inexplicable personality change.

That is very true absent My husband says I have 'only child' traits and can be selfish. Better not tell him it will get worse.

I think as you get older you know how you want to spend your time and you don't want to waste time doing things you don't want to do. When you are young with your whole life ahead of you you think you have all the time in the world. When you are older and time is more precious you spend it more carefully

My MIL had never been a very pleasant person ( just like husband who I eventually left!) As she got older and after FIL died she became impossible. I tried to still be nice but finally flipped when she was really horrible to DD2 on Christmas
and told her if she spoke to her like that again she could leave the house and not come back, she was marginally more pleasant after that! I told the girls if I ever start to be like Grandma they can put me on the corner and shoot me!

One Christmas not on

Some people mellow and some do the opposite. I hope I mellow, although I have got better at saying no on some occasions. I am also better at what DH calls “not sweating the small stuff”. I think people can be much grumpier when they are frightened - of illness, old age and loneliness.

When my husband was terminally ill, he became less tolerant, but not always in a bad way. His time was precious to him, and he didn't want to spend it with people he didn't like or respect, or saying things he didn't mean. I remember him saying, "I do NOT want to go round to xxx's for coffee any more, and have to admire their latest home improvements and soft furnishings, and put up with their smelly dog!" There were certain people he did want to see, and others he just had (literally) no time for. Your priorities change when you know time is running out.

My ex hubbie was always on the selfish side. However he has definitely got far worse these days. My eldest daughter went to visit him on Fathers Day taking with her own daughter, who had just finished taking all her GCSE's. She commented on this to her father on several occasions, not once did he ask how they went, or even what A levels she was hoping to do, or anything else with regard to this, his eldest g.daughter.
Earlier this year I had to visit him several times to get his signature regarding the house sale, and mentioned to him how seriously unwell our eldest daughter was at that time (she has an auto-immune condition which makes even quite mild and normal infections potentially serious). Not once has he asked after her or lifted up the 'phone to ring her.
He is disabled and lives in sheltered housing with carers coming in 3 x daily, and seems to have not interest at all, in anyone, but himself.

I wouldn’t necessarily call it being self centred. After many years of looking after and worrying about children and parents it can feel pretty good to have time to yourself to do whatever YOU feel like doing. This is different from somebody who is self obsessed and has no interest in anything or anyone other than themselves. Many of us probably know someone like this. They just want to talk about themselves and their families and no other subject (books, films, current affairs etc) interests them at all. Personally i find these people can be very boring so try not to spend too much time with them. If this is becoming self centred then so be it ?

Yes. Very well said Monica!

the older you are the more time you've had to practice and perfect techniques to manipulate people into doing your bidding

Katy, I'm so sorry about DH's cancer. I hope he is able to beat it.

Pam, I'm sorry about all you've been through and then getting cancer on top of if. As with Katy's DH, I hope you are able to beat it.

In answer to the original question: Yes. I think it is the survival instinct kicking in.

There are also those, not so old or with serious problems, who are used to being the centre of attention; once they retire, lose a partner, and are no longer regarded as the hub of their family they become amazingly demanding. They haunt social media in search of attention.

Beautiful post, Monica!

Floridagirl, I'm sorry about your illness. I really do think you should put yourself first now, unless doing things like volunteer work makes you happy. And yes, I see the irony between what many people say and how they react if you follow their advice.

Mumsyface, it differs from person to person, of course, but I think often elderly people seem to be more "self-centered" b/c they know for sure what they like/dislike and aren't as tolerant of situations that make them unhappy or uncomfortable. It may be partly the sense of the shortness of time they have left.

"... how does one deal with it?"

First, I think one deals w/ it by accepting the elderly person's limits to the extent possible. If they say, for example, "No, I'm not going to the family reunion this year," then accept it, don't argue and try to think of ways to get them to change their mind, etc. If they say, "I'm not going to GD's graduation," IMO, that's a little more serious. I would tell them that GD will be hurt (if she will), but then leave it up to them. If they insist on driving when they don't really drive well anymore, that's very serious, and I would have sit down to discuss it, and ask for the car keys, even if it were a very uncomfortable conversation.

These^^ are just examples, but do you see what I'm saying? IMO, there are different scenarios, and one has to handle them all accordingly. But, overall, I think we need to respect the older person's wishes, even if we don't agree, unless they are terribly dangerous.

Oh, but, we need to have our limits, too. Sometimes, we, also, need to say no, for their health or ours, even if they complain. As a PP said, much like dealing w/ a toddler.

I'm confident you can figure out how to cope w/ DH if that's what you're wondering. Best of luck!

I think we change throughout our lives. Start off being self centred as children, then as our world and experiences expand we learn to consider others, not ignoring the influence of personality and upbringing of course. In very old age our lives start to shrink, our peers die off and we tend to be more solitary and often dependent. My mother is 94 and is totally dependent for all her needs and consequently has become very anxious, fearful, in pain, and demanding. I would say she has always been an anxious person but now she is now totally self centred, but this is caused by her cognitive decline, dependency and fear, and survival instinct kicking in. Just hope it doesn't happen to me, it's b....y hard to deal with.

What strikes me in my elders' group is that they are no longer prepared to put up with the rubbish they tolerated when younger.

Good on 'em - but it can seem like selfishness.

'No, I won't drive 46km to get you from the airport at 1 am - get the shuttle!'

'No, I won't lend you $50 to pay your speeding fine - keep to the limit in future and pay this one off at $20 a week.'

'No, I won't babysit all four snotty kids, the incontinent dog and a foul-mouthed parrot.'

Isn't that assertiveness, not selfishness Bradfordlass?