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Toxic friend?

(122 Posts)
Grammaretto Sat 20-Jul-19 09:14:43

I don't know, and can't imagine, what cruel things this friend has said about your DGC but I could see a situation when there is a bit of banter - and that can escalate from funny to cruel in seconds - where perhaps you said something slightly derogatory about one - maybe referred to scruffiness or tardiness - which your friend mistook for playfulness without recognising the signals.
you can say things but she has absolutely no right towink
I am very suspicious of repartee and banter.
I know someone who thinks it's funny to poke fun at everyone he meets . Mostly he gets away with it but occasionally it gets taken the wrong way and it can be upsetting.

DanniRae Sat 20-Jul-19 08:52:45

grandma60 - I too have a 'friend' who in all the years I have known her has frequently upset me with her comments. I distanced myself from her over the last few years - just spent time in her company if I couldn't avoid it. Then last year her husband died suddenly but when I spent time with her afterwards - as I felt I should - she was still being bitchy to me so I decided "Sorry I am not going to be the person who is there for you.You'll have to find someone else." If people find this difficult to understand then so be it.(I have to say that she is well known amongst our friends for being 'difficult' so I have had no negative comments.)

grandma60 Fri 19-Jul-19 22:13:00

When my children were young I had a friend who would be sweetly sympathetic about how my children weren't as perfect as hers were. She also said she felt sorry for my husband because I wouldn't dye my hair blonde like she did. (He would gave been horrified!).
Over the years I gradually distanced myself. A year or so ago. I heard that she has had a stroke and is now almost wheelchair bound and friends that know us both expect me to visit her, but I just can't do it.

paddyann Fri 19-Jul-19 21:45:43

my husbands best friend is a bit like this,always has an opinion on everything from the colour of my cushions to my parenting skills.I ignore him mostly...sometimes I tell him its just as well he doesn't have to live with my colour schemes etc.For all MY bad parenting skills..in his opinion ...my kids are very close to us and to each other ..his brought up by his vastly superior skills dont see each other or their parents from one month to the next .I know which of us I'd rather be and its not him.I tend to keep away from him and his equally irritating wife ,my OH gets on fine with them and thats his choice .If this is getting to you tell her its none of her business and to keep her opinions to herself or stop seeing her .You're worth better

Bridgeit Fri 19-Jul-19 21:13:04

Agree with others , Yes it is toxic, I think we all get to an age/ stage where we ask ourselves , why am I putting up with this? Life is too short & difficult to put up with negative situations . Best wishes .

SalsaQueen Fri 19-Jul-19 17:28:12

I wouldn't have someone like her as a friend. A true friend would accept you for who/what you are, and even if her opinions/tastes on things differed from yours, she wouldn't need to say so.

As for saying anything about your grandchildren - NO! I'd have to tell her to sod off!

mumofmadboys Fri 19-Jul-19 17:26:38

I think some people get into a habit of making snide comments and it is very wearing. I think a comment such as Kerenhappuch suggests is a good idea. 'Gosh, that was rather unkind!" may make someone realise the error of their ways. It may need to be repeated a few times. I grew up in a family where critical comments were made and home wasn't the loving,accepting , embracing place it should have been.

MissAdventure Fri 19-Jul-19 16:46:43

Yes, I think that's where the line must be drawn.

MawBroonsback Fri 19-Jul-19 16:43:57

Nobody, but nobody has a “dig”or otherwise at my grandchildren!

tinaf1 Fri 19-Jul-19 16:32:27

Urmstongran love it 🤣

Urmstongran Fri 19-Jul-19 16:21:17

🤣

Washerwoman Fri 19-Jul-19 15:16:11

Sorry meant that's not friendship !

Washerwoman Fri 19-Jul-19 14:30:51

Take my word for it this 'friend' will only drag you down the longer you allow her to,and as someone who put up with similar digs for several years you will start to resent it more and more.You say your friend has some personal problems and unfortunately some people who are not too happy with their own life try to sap the hapinness of others with put downs and snide comments.That's not friendship.I recently stopped meeting,or contacting someone very similar and I have felt very conflicted emotions.On the one hand hating to bluntly cut contact,on the other feeling a sense of relief and lightness not having to brace myself for the ncreasingly unpleasant undertones that I now know stemmed from jealousy and bitterness.And yes I got similar comments increasing once I became a grandma,which I deliberately downplayed in conversation.
Enjoy the company of true friends who don't zap your energy.Good luck !

Dgrann777 Fri 19-Jul-19 11:39:22

Thank you everyone for your helpful posts....you are right ...why am I even asking ,,,,. I know she has problems but I don’t feel able to cope with her right now. I am widowed so don’t have a partner to offload to. I have found myself thinking of smart answers I could have made but that is not who I am and it’s not the way I want to be thinking..
Feels good to offload here I don’t want to discuss her with other friends...not a gossip
Thanks again,

DanniRae Fri 19-Jul-19 10:09:02

She doesn't sound 'lovely in many ways' Dgrann if she is constantly have a 'dig' at you.
She has now started having a 'dig' at your grandchildren? She is jealous of you - I have experienced this. By the heading of your post you realise she is toxic - you don't need her. Make her your ex-friend as soon as possible.
Good Luck!

Kerenhappuch Fri 19-Jul-19 10:05:09

She sounds very annoying, I'm curious to know in what ways she is lovely?

If someone's rudeness is getting you down, you have 3 choices - ignore, confront or avoid. Maybe people have been avoiding her for years because she's so critical, it might be helpful to give her a heads up!

I put up with several years of barbed comments about my weight from a family member, eventually I snapped back 'That's a pretty unkind thing to say, isn't it?' She back pedalled and said 'I was joking' and I said 'No you weren't, we both know that'. Amazingly, the comments about my weight stopped!

Davida1968 Fri 19-Jul-19 09:59:40

Surely a toxic friend isn't worth keeping? (The older I get, the less time I want to spend with people who's company is less than enjoyable.) I agree with Gonegirl - walk away from this "friendship".

Gonegirl Fri 19-Jul-19 09:54:17

If she started on my grandsons I would have a blazing row tell her what I thought and walk away. Why are you even asking?

Pantglas1 Fri 19-Jul-19 09:52:08

insert ‘to nip’ after ‘need’ in first sentence ....

janeainsworth Fri 19-Jul-19 09:51:12

I wouldn’t have got friendly with her in the first place. I would have kept her in the people-I-know-but-don’t-like-very-much category.
Don’t waste any more emotional energy on her.

Pantglas1 Fri 19-Jul-19 09:49:21

Think you need that new niggle in the bud. Can you ask her outright what her problem with your grandchildren is? Put her on the spot? Ask her if she’d like you saying things about her loved ones?
Hopefully it will make her stop and think. Some people are unaware of how tactless they are until told.

Dgrann777 Fri 19-Jul-19 09:44:37

Good morning everyone.

I have a friend who is lovely in many ways (you know there’s a but).smile but,
She makes little digs and put downs constantly sometimes with false humour and sometimes with false advice eg. Don’t like the paint colour did you make a mistake?
Why don’t you ask for a refund on that sofa etc etc.
Your hair is a bit short, long, is that what you asked for etc etc.
You Irish are all alike, a bit daft, don’t like your accent etc etc.
Usually I just ignore it because I know she has personal problems and to be honest I don’t really care what she thinks of my taste but now she has started on my grandchildren...my Achilles heel....
Is this what is called a toxic friend?
I think I have to walk away. What would you do?