Paternal Grandma

The issue to me is the appointment system. Are you ever allowed to take GS out or have him overnight say at weekends. I am in the situation where I see GS about 4 or 5 times a year but that is due to distance. When I do see him I am allowed to look after him when parents go on holiday or out for the night. There is a GP who lives nearby who sees him more regularly but I don't have an issue with this. Think I would definitely feel unwelcome having to make a weekly appointment. Is there a reason you can think of for this system.

How does he expect to arrange to see them if not via a phone call or text?

Dropping in is rude imo. They could be out/cooking/napping/have invited guests etc. Of course it's the polite thing to check they are available.

When he says he doesn't want to make an appointment does he mean he wants to just turn up at random times?

I think it’s very important to remember that just because a woman becomes a mother, it doesn’t mean she stops being a daughter.

Prior to having my dgs my dil saw her mother 2-3 times a week, I considered myself lucky if I saw my ds once a month! Im very fortunate to have a wonderful relationship with my dil, like you I see dgs once a week, however she is till understandably much closer to her own mother.

I understand how you feel, I struggled with similar feelings when my dgs was tiny. But the truth is, my dil’s mum doesn’t just go to spend time with our dgs, she wants to spend time with her daughter. She also visits when dgs is napping, and on a evening when dgs is in bed (my ds works shifts, and so if often not home until late). The visits are as much about mother & daughter as they were about grandmother and grandson. Are you and your ds close? Maybe if you try and build that relationship you may feel closer to the family.

Please don’t let focusing on what you don’t have spoil the wonderful relationship you are building with your grandchild. Enjoy the special time.

Because it's her mum. She is spending and choosing time to spend with her Mum. She's 100% allowed to do that. They are obviously close. I bet before her had her child she was still close to her mum.

Her mum is also there to see her Daughter not just her grandchild which is what your DHs main focus is on.

This seems to be a frequent topic on GN. Once a week seems very reasonable to me. And surely making a prior arangement to visit or meet is far more considerate and polite than just arriving at what might be an inconvenient time.

We have 3 sons, one living just a few miles away and the other two a 100 miles away and involving a ferry crossing. We would not dream of just popping in on our nearest son, I would always text or phone first. Because of distance, work schedules and busy lives we only see the majority of our GC every few months. That is fine with us, we have never expected to be closely involved in their lives. We have great relationships with all our AC and DILs, we love our GC and they love us and enjoy their visits to us. No doubt as our GC get older they will visit less often prefering to spend time with their friends, that's only natural.

Grandparents really don't have a 'right' to spend time with their grandchildren whenever it suits them, there nèeds to be consideration for all concerned.

Just seen your second message, Meet. I really should read all messages before commenting! I see why you're upset. It doesn't seem fair that maternal Grandma can come and go as she pleases and you have to make an appointment.

But this is very common I'd have thought. Daughters are, as a rule, close to their Mums and it's just an extension of that. Maybe they like everything to be ship shape when you go round whereas her own Mum won't be expecting anything special.

It is tricky but at least you can get to see the little chap and once a week is a lot more than many. You'll have to point out to your husband that this is just the way it is for now.

totally agree with SueH49

I have 3 children. Two have children. I would never dream of popping in. But we're just not a 'popping in' type family. We make arrangements. They all live quite close but they will text or message me to ask if we're in and vice versa. I do know some people who 'pop in' to see their grandchildren on a daily basis. I wouldn't want to do that and I certainly wouldn't have wanted my parents/in-laws to have done it to us . So maybe your daughter in law just likes to know when someone's visiting. Seems fair enough to me. I hope you manage to get it sorted.

We have six grandchildren and see one every couple of weeks, two every few weeks, one once in a blue moon and the other two hardly ever even though they all live within a ten minute drive of us. It upsets me greatly but I understand they have their own lives to live. I would be happy with once a week even if I had to make appointments to make it happen.

I would be over the moon to see my GS weekly. My son and DIL live a couple of hours away and it's months between times we see them. They are busy which is understandable but after 4 occasions of trying to arrange to visit them being busy and the last message asking a few days ago going unanswered I think I have to give up as it's very upsetting and I have other things going on that are upsetting me too so I am emotionally fragile at the moment. I'm a paternal GM with 2 adult sons and have always felt like the 2nd class GM - I have 3 in total. I feel that I'm only thought of when they (both sons) want something from me. I sent money for GS birthday and couldn't see him around his birthday. I asked for a picture of him and the present I paid towards and have had no response to that either. Very disappointed but don't know what to do apart from give up as I'm obviously not important to them. If someone is important to you you make time for them .. not weekly or monthly necessarily but more than one way contact ?

So the issue isn’t so much that you only see him once a week but that you can’t just ‘drop in’ unlike maternal gps.

I think your husband needs to see this less as a ‘grandparents being treated differently’ issue and more that your DIL is probably just close to her mom. Her mom is visiting to spend time with her daughter, not just the baby. I’d guess that your DIL and her mom were close beforehand and spent a fair amount of time together and that’s why they do now.

How was your relationship with DIL before? Was it casual pop in to see each other or more pre-arranges visits?

Also, is your son at work in the week? Does your DIL prefer to have you spend time with you when her husband is around? If so, it may be helpful to build a closer relationship with her.

I don’t have a ‘just drop in’ relationship with either set of grandparents because we like to sit around in comfy clothes and don’t always have the house ‘visitor ready’. My parents can be quite critical of this as they have always been ‘properly dressed’ and the house perfectly ready in case anyone just pops in which I find a bit exhausting and not very relaxing. I’m not saying you’re like them, but maybe your DIL feels she needs time to prepare the house before your visit, whereas she’s probably more comfortable with her mom seeing the house a bit untidy.

I hope your husband will go with the flow as you do. Perhaps he grew up in a family that dropped in on each other regularly.
How old is your grandson? If he's a baby then times will come when you will probably be asked to help out and the relationship will build. My grandsons are aged 9, 10 and eleven now and none live nearby. Weeks go by without us seeing each other, but I have gone to help when asked, since babyhood, and when we do see each other we pick up where we left off. They come and stay sometimes in the school hols. It's the quality and not the quantity.

I see my DGC once every couple of weeks due to the hours my DS works. I spend the day as I like to see my DS & let him know he is still very important & that it is not just the GC I want to see. When my DiL finishes work & GS is home from school we all spend time together till GC go to bed & I go home. It never seems enough but they do have a very busy life & obviously live it together. I think I am very lucky to have that time with them as so many now never see their families.

I agree with the others on here that once a week is pretty good and that you should ring or text before just to check ok . If you get into a routine visiting can you offer to babysit and give them a break I’m sure that’s be welcome!

The problem here is that she sees her mother 3 or 4 times a week and she regularly comes to there flat where as every time we want to see him, he is 16 months we need to phone and ask if we can see him.

Son and Dil are basically mid way between both sets of parents.
We book a time to see them. It lasts approximately 1 to 2 hours.
We are usually requested to come after 11.30 on Sundays
We visit every three or so weeks .
Her family drop in often during the week , popover for dinner or catch up
Paternal grandparents are booked with appts
Maternal grandparents drop in
We are learning to deal with it.
I can't change it. I have to accept that we just dont see them much .
I will not take the chance of estrangement so I bit my tongue and am grateful for what I get
Lol I do whinge to my husband
I understand it is hard OP

We look after our grandsons 4 days a week. I have a great relationship with my DIL. I wouldn’t dream of visiting without checking first or making an “appointment” they do the same with us.

My MIL would say that 'I shouldn't have to book an appointment to see my grandchild'

Its not an appointment. It's to make sure they are in, make sure they don't have plans, they are not in the bath, having a nap and 101 other things that adults do.

Imo, dropping in on anyone is just rude. It's saying 'Drop everything you're doing, because I am here!'

I think it is your DH who has the problem - otherwise all seems well to me.

Your AC are busy so you let them know when you are coming - they are happy to welcome you when you make contact about 1 x per week. That sounds fine.

Mindful of the situation of some grandparents, enforced separations, I think seeing a grandchild once a week is pretty good. I don't think one can demand to see a gc whenever gps wish, parents have a life, sometimes very busy and it's not always convenient for them to have gps drop in or to visit. We are paternal grandparents, our son split with his partner a couple of years ago, he has his children every other week-end, Friday through to Sunday evenings and tends to bring them to us. I'm glad to have that regular contact, the childhood years are very special, I feel for those denied for whatever reason, they will never get that time back.

I really wouldn't push and make demands, I do perceive that's one, of a multitude of reasons, why some gps have found themselves in a "no contact" situation, it really is up to the parents to set the parameters and I think grandparents must always bear in mind they are one step back. Unfortunately it does seem that there are those grandmothers who want to make their gc their raison d'etre, but to be a grandparent, one must have been a parent first, and the reality is we've all had our turn in child rearing, so don't encroach but try and be a back up.

Exactly what SueH said.

I'd never just "drop in" on my adult children - I believe that they deserve to have some privacy ! They both work long hours and they like to have some one-on-one time with the children when they get home. Having Grandma dropping in whenever she felt like it, would be awful for them. I prefer to see them all when I'm expected and when it's convenient.

I know that in days gone by, people used to drop in when they felt like it - I did it myself when my children were babies and you'd pop in to see your neighbour for a coffee. But those days are long gone. Your DH seems to be living in the past , OP. Sometimes men need to have things explained to them !

I'm just glad that I see my grandchildren as often as I do . Reading GN, I'm aware that not everyone has that pleasure.

You don’t say how old he is, but presumably quite little, possibly in nursery during the week, which means the parents need to have quite a routine.

I see one set of grandchildren all the time, our house is a home from home, the other set, every couple of months, both is fine

Don't worry too much, you get to see him and that's a blessing. Thankfully, you treat it as such and.

Your DH is going to have to accept that there is a huge difference between his expectations and the stark reality of busy family life.
If he doesn't, he's going to make everyone unhappy and possibly cause friction which might result in even fewer visits.

Do you literally mean 'make an appointment' - or do you say, 'We're free Saturday if you'd like to bring him round?'

If the former, that indicates just how time-poor your busy family is, so appreciate the fact that they are actually making time to get the little fellow to you.

If you tell them when you're free, then clearly they are trying hard to fit in with you schedule.

Either way, you have the right attitude and your DH will have to try and see that life in 2019 is simply not like life as it was when your children were tiny, and so be very, very grateful for what you and he are getting.