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Paternal Grandma

(56 Posts)
meet Tue 30-Jul-19 23:12:20

I am Granny to one dgs,who I get to see once a week but only when I ask to see him. my dh does not like the ides of this and says he should not have to make appt to see his dgs, I am happy to see him whenever i can and i had told dh this that we are lucky to see him at all as some Paternal grandparents don't to see their grandchildren at all.How to resole this.

MissAdventure Tue 30-Jul-19 23:35:40

Well, it does seem as if an appointment is needed, but life today is busy for most parents with work, etc.

Its difficult to fit in everything, so once a week seems reasonable, to me.

Do you think it's enough, or are you trying to placate your husband?

paddyann Wed 31-Jul-19 00:07:18

I see my GD all the time,she's my sons daughter.I think it just depends on the relationship you have with your AC and Dil .
We're expectng a new GD late next month I dont expect to see as much of her as her mum has a mum and 3 sisters so I think there'll be a queue .Thats fine by me it wont stop us building a good relationship

Starlady Wed 31-Jul-19 00:50:07

First, how beautiful that you see DGS once a week! As you say, yourself, not all GPs get to see their GC that often.

About having to ask to see DGS - I'm sorry DS and DIL don't invite you over. But as long as they're cool w/ your seeing DGS once a week, I think you're ok. Is it possible they feel you and DH are not interested in them at all, only DGS? Then they may not feel so inclined to make an invitation. Have you tried letting them know you enjoy being w/ them, as well (if you do)?

"my dh does not like the ides of this and says he should not have to make appt to see his dgs"

Why not? Does he feel it's ok to drop in on people who might be about to leave the house or want to spend some time just bonding as a family unit? How would he - or they - feel if they weren't dressed or the house were a mess?

Maybe he comes from a family that often drops in on each other and he's totally cool if/when that happens to him/you and him. But he needs to understand that not everyone feels that way. Perhaps DS and DIL aren't so into drop-ins? IMO, their right to privacy w/ their own family unit in their own home tops any right DH might have to see DGS at will. Also, the fact that the child is THEIR DS means more, IMO, than the fact that he is DH's DGS.

IDK if you agree w/ that or if/how you could get it across to DH. No doubt, you know how to approach him better than I. But he needs to understand that he has to respect DS' and DIL's wishes regarding their home and their child.

Starlady Wed 31-Jul-19 00:56:57

"How to resolve this."

Do you mean the disagreement between you and DH? IDK. Maybe you can get some of the points that we've each made across to home, but maybe you can't. Again, you know him and I don't. But, IMO, it doesn't really matter if you resolve this disagreement or not b/c, apparently, the only way you get to see DGS is by making an appointment.

But perhaps you're talking about resolving this issue w/ DS and DIL? Again, I don't see any way but to accept their boundary of needing to make an appointment. I'm afraid that if you fight them on it, they may respond by cutting back on the frequency of visits you do get. Please just enjoy your time w/ DS and family and don't push the envelope.

SueH49 Wed 31-Jul-19 01:30:49

I don't understand this obsession some people have about how often they see their grandchildren. I love my grandchildren as much as any other grandparent. I see them whenever the stars align and we get together. DH and I are there to be called on whenever needed and if we are available - which we usually are - we are happy to help out just as my AC are if we need help.

We usually see our 2 grandsons every couple of weeks. We tend to not call into their place unannounced even though they live only a few minutes away, as they live very busy lives and we are happy to give them the space they need. They pop in to us unannounced but our AC still see this as the family home and of course they are welcome at any time.

I think seeing the GC every week or more as in the case of some actually sometimes lessens the pleasure of seeing them as it becomes the norm and not something special. Grandparents are not there, in my opinion, to do any more than to support the parents as required and love (and spoil) the GC. My grandfather used to say " it is the parents responsibility to raise the children and the grandparents responsibility to spoil them". Of course how he spoilt his grandchildren, the oldest of who is now over 70, was vastly different than how we spoil children now.

Of course there are always exceptions to the rule.

BradfordLass72 Wed 31-Jul-19 02:41:20

Don't worry too much, you get to see him and that's a blessing. Thankfully, you treat it as such and.

Your DH is going to have to accept that there is a huge difference between his expectations and the stark reality of busy family life.
If he doesn't, he's going to make everyone unhappy and possibly cause friction which might result in even fewer visits.

Do you literally mean 'make an appointment' - or do you say, 'We're free Saturday if you'd like to bring him round?'

If the former, that indicates just how time-poor your busy family is, so appreciate the fact that they are actually making time to get the little fellow to you.

If you tell them when you're free, then clearly they are trying hard to fit in with you schedule.

Either way, you have the right attitude and your DH will have to try and see that life in 2019 is simply not like life as it was when your children were tiny, and so be very, very grateful for what you and he are getting.

Sara65 Wed 31-Jul-19 06:55:10

You don’t say how old he is, but presumably quite little, possibly in nursery during the week, which means the parents need to have quite a routine.

I see one set of grandchildren all the time, our house is a home from home, the other set, every couple of months, both is fine

stella1949 Wed 31-Jul-19 07:08:58

I'd never just "drop in" on my adult children - I believe that they deserve to have some privacy ! They both work long hours and they like to have some one-on-one time with the children when they get home. Having Grandma dropping in whenever she felt like it, would be awful for them. I prefer to see them all when I'm expected and when it's convenient.

I know that in days gone by, people used to drop in when they felt like it - I did it myself when my children were babies and you'd pop in to see your neighbour for a coffee. But those days are long gone. Your DH seems to be living in the past , OP. Sometimes men need to have things explained to them !

I'm just glad that I see my grandchildren as often as I do . Reading GN, I'm aware that not everyone has that pleasure.

kittylester Wed 31-Jul-19 07:10:21

Exactly what SueH said.

TerriBull Wed 31-Jul-19 08:09:23

Mindful of the situation of some grandparents, enforced separations, I think seeing a grandchild once a week is pretty good. I don't think one can demand to see a gc whenever gps wish, parents have a life, sometimes very busy and it's not always convenient for them to have gps drop in or to visit. We are paternal grandparents, our son split with his partner a couple of years ago, he has his children every other week-end, Friday through to Sunday evenings and tends to bring them to us. I'm glad to have that regular contact, the childhood years are very special, I feel for those denied for whatever reason, they will never get that time back.

I really wouldn't push and make demands, I do perceive that's one, of a multitude of reasons, why some gps have found themselves in a "no contact" situation, it really is up to the parents to set the parameters and I think grandparents must always bear in mind they are one step back. Unfortunately it does seem that there are those grandmothers who want to make their gc their raison d'etre, but to be a grandparent, one must have been a parent first, and the reality is we've all had our turn in child rearing, so don't encroach but try and be a back up.

Luckygirl Wed 31-Jul-19 09:33:39

I think it is your DH who has the problem - otherwise all seems well to me.

Your AC are busy so you let them know when you are coming - they are happy to welcome you when you make contact about 1 x per week. That sounds fine.

SarahGransnet (GNHQ) Wed 31-Jul-19 09:46:48

Hi meet, hi everyone

Looks like you're getting some great advice on here. You might also find our page about Paternal Grans helpful. It's full of advice from gransnetters who have been in your situation. flowers

March Wed 31-Jul-19 10:04:34

My MIL would say that 'I shouldn't have to book an appointment to see my grandchild'

Its not an appointment. It's to make sure they are in, make sure they don't have plans, they are not in the bath, having a nap and 101 other things that adults do.

Imo, dropping in on anyone is just rude. It's saying 'Drop everything you're doing, because I am here!'

BearandCardigan Wed 31-Jul-19 10:27:14

We look after our grandsons 4 days a week. I have a great relationship with my DIL. I wouldn’t dream of visiting without checking first or making an “appointment” they do the same with us.

TerryM Wed 31-Jul-19 10:35:15

Son and Dil are basically mid way between both sets of parents.
We book a time to see them. It lasts approximately 1 to 2 hours.
We are usually requested to come after 11.30 on Sundays
We visit every three or so weeks .
Her family drop in often during the week , popover for dinner or catch up
Paternal grandparents are booked with appts
Maternal grandparents drop in
We are learning to deal with it.
I can't change it. I have to accept that we just dont see them much .
I will not take the chance of estrangement so I bit my tongue and am grateful for what I get
Lol I do whinge to my husband
I understand it is hard OP

meet Wed 31-Jul-19 10:53:16

The problem here is that she sees her mother 3 or 4 times a week and she regularly comes to there flat where as every time we want to see him, he is 16 months we need to phone and ask if we can see him.

Soozikinzi Wed 31-Jul-19 10:55:28

I agree with the others on here that once a week is pretty good and that you should ring or text before just to check ok . If you get into a routine visiting can you offer to babysit and give them a break I’m sure that’s be welcome!

SillyNanny321 Wed 31-Jul-19 10:55:57

I see my DGC once every couple of weeks due to the hours my DS works. I spend the day as I like to see my DS & let him know he is still very important & that it is not just the GC I want to see. When my DiL finishes work & GS is home from school we all spend time together till GC go to bed & I go home. It never seems enough but they do have a very busy life & obviously live it together. I think I am very lucky to have that time with them as so many now never see their families.

Lupin Wed 31-Jul-19 11:15:24

I hope your husband will go with the flow as you do. Perhaps he grew up in a family that dropped in on each other regularly.
How old is your grandson? If he's a baby then times will come when you will probably be asked to help out and the relationship will build. My grandsons are aged 9, 10 and eleven now and none live nearby. Weeks go by without us seeing each other, but I have gone to help when asked, since babyhood, and when we do see each other we pick up where we left off. They come and stay sometimes in the school hols. It's the quality and not the quantity.

Newmom101 Wed 31-Jul-19 11:18:19

So the issue isn’t so much that you only see him once a week but that you can’t just ‘drop in’ unlike maternal gps.

I think your husband needs to see this less as a ‘grandparents being treated differently’ issue and more that your DIL is probably just close to her mom. Her mom is visiting to spend time with her daughter, not just the baby. I’d guess that your DIL and her mom were close beforehand and spent a fair amount of time together and that’s why they do now.

How was your relationship with DIL before? Was it casual pop in to see each other or more pre-arranges visits?

Also, is your son at work in the week? Does your DIL prefer to have you spend time with you when her husband is around? If so, it may be helpful to build a closer relationship with her.

I don’t have a ‘just drop in’ relationship with either set of grandparents because we like to sit around in comfy clothes and don’t always have the house ‘visitor ready’. My parents can be quite critical of this as they have always been ‘properly dressed’ and the house perfectly ready in case anyone just pops in which I find a bit exhausting and not very relaxing. I’m not saying you’re like them, but maybe your DIL feels she needs time to prepare the house before your visit, whereas she’s probably more comfortable with her mom seeing the house a bit untidy.

Jackie1980 Wed 31-Jul-19 11:18:19

I would be over the moon to see my GS weekly. My son and DIL live a couple of hours away and it's months between times we see them. They are busy which is understandable but after 4 occasions of trying to arrange to visit them being busy and the last message asking a few days ago going unanswered I think I have to give up as it's very upsetting and I have other things going on that are upsetting me too so I am emotionally fragile at the moment. I'm a paternal GM with 2 adult sons and have always felt like the 2nd class GM - I have 3 in total. I feel that I'm only thought of when they (both sons) want something from me. I sent money for GS birthday and couldn't see him around his birthday. I asked for a picture of him and the present I paid towards and have had no response to that either. Very disappointed but don't know what to do apart from give up as I'm obviously not important to them. If someone is important to you you make time for them .. not weekly or monthly necessarily but more than one way contact 😢

MandyRaff Wed 31-Jul-19 11:29:03

We have six grandchildren and see one every couple of weeks, two every few weeks, one once in a blue moon and the other two hardly ever even though they all live within a ten minute drive of us. It upsets me greatly but I understand they have their own lives to live. I would be happy with once a week even if I had to make appointments to make it happen.

Minniemoo Wed 31-Jul-19 11:36:20

I have 3 children. Two have children. I would never dream of popping in. But we're just not a 'popping in' type family. We make arrangements. They all live quite close but they will text or message me to ask if we're in and vice versa. I do know some people who 'pop in' to see their grandchildren on a daily basis. I wouldn't want to do that and I certainly wouldn't have wanted my parents/in-laws to have done it to us . So maybe your daughter in law just likes to know when someone's visiting. Seems fair enough to me. I hope you manage to get it sorted.

mabon1 Wed 31-Jul-19 11:45:17

totally agree with SueH49