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friendship problem

(36 Posts)
Catlover123 Wed 31-Jul-19 17:21:51

I have a friend who used to be a close friend but since moving hasn't kept in touch very often. I sent her a message via Facebook a couple of months ago asking her why she hadn't replied to a long email I sent her many weeks before that. She replied that she had enjoyed reading my email and would be in touch soon. She hasn't been in touch and not so long ago her mum died and I sent her a card. I would just like to know why she hasn't been in touch, it's just not knowing that is upsetting as I don't know if I have upset her in some way. Should I contact her again or would it be better to wait a bit longer since she may still be grieving?

Mamma66 Fri 02-Aug-19 09:26:37

Please give her more time. My lovely Mum died seven years ago after a short illness. Her death was absolutely awful and it hit me like a tonne of bricks. Looking back now I am sure I was suffering from depression. I couldn’t cope with anyone or anything and dropped off the face of the earth. I didn’t want to see anyone other than my husband, brothers and father. I was 44 at the time and the first in my friendship group to lose a parent. My friends really didn’t understand and I lost some friendships, some I really valued. I tried to reconnect with these friends and tried writing to explain (several times) but I guess they were offended and were not prepared to accept my explanation and apology. Please give your friend time and space, she may be really struggling

Buffy Fri 02-Aug-19 09:17:38

Oh dear. I think eveyone has a problem like this at some time. You've done all you can. She know's where you are. Stop punishing yourself wondering what you might have done.

cas58 Fri 02-Aug-19 07:10:16

Hi Catlover, I'd ask her. I ask her if you have done something wrong to upset her because if you have you'd like a chance to apologise.
Keep writing her too, it's a conversation on paper or screen. She knows you're thinking of her and you're there for her, but also ask her what can I do for you?. With the best intentions people always say they're there for someone, but I've also found when I've asked what can I do for them, I get a response and am able to help that way.
Hope this helps. x

lmm6 Thu 01-Aug-19 22:09:38

"Don't make anyone a priority if, to them, you are only an option."
I followed this advice. However, I don't have many friends left now!

4allweknow Thu 01-Aug-19 20:20:33

She has moved and sometimes this ends contact with others. Also her mother's death may well cause her to feel the ties should just end. Give her a couple of weeks, send her another short message hoping she is well given her bereavement. If no response looks like she isn't interested in continuing contact.

Pat1949 Thu 01-Aug-19 19:55:19

I would think she's upset and feeling depressed about her mother. Some people retreat into their shell when they're upset. Other people like to talk things over.

gilld69 Thu 01-Aug-19 16:27:55

I would leave it if shes not contacted you then leave the ball in her court

notanan2 Thu 01-Aug-19 16:02:46

Is there any chance that your email read like a round robbin? People dont generally reply to those

Catlover123 Thu 01-Aug-19 15:45:32

thanks for all your messages. My friend moved about 7 yrs ago, and is well settled in her town. I may just ask how she is and then leave it at that. It's just puzzling to me that she hasn't said anything.

Joyfulnanna Thu 01-Aug-19 14:25:32

She's probably grieving and self absorbed. Send her a quick "thinking of you" message and leave her to respond in her own time.

quizqueen Thu 01-Aug-19 14:02:12

I think you will have to accept that you are just not on her priority list at the moment, and try emailing or telephoning later in the year.

Yellowmellow Thu 01-Aug-19 13:36:30

I think she has just moved. She has a new life and new friends. I have a good friend who had moved up north. We phone each other once a month, but that is because we had said we wouldn't let the friendship go. It is quite hard to maintain! Try not to take it personally. She just left her.old life behind

Cabbie21 Thu 01-Aug-19 12:56:22

As TrendyNannie6 said, don’t push it for now.
There is a lot to do after a major bereavement. I doubt you have offended her, but you will if you hassle her.

I have lots of friends from former jobs etc that I now only keep up with at Christmas, though if we were to meet up we would get on well and enjoy catching up.

TrendyNannie6 Thu 01-Aug-19 12:37:10

She’s just moved. She’s lost her mum for goodness sake I would leave her be for a while. She needs time to grieve. Don’t hassle her give her time and bit of space. I’m sure she will contact you when she’s able too

Kim19 Thu 01-Aug-19 12:33:14

Do you have her phone number? If so, I would give her a call. Much more personal than any media in my opinion.k

DancesWithOtters Thu 01-Aug-19 12:32:13

It sounds like the in the last few months she has not only moved house but has also lost her mother.

Don't hassle her. She's had a lot to deal with and answering emails might not be top of her list of priorities right now.

kircubbin2000 Thu 01-Aug-19 12:20:14

Similar happened to me. One of our bridge ladies told us she would be playing with a group of" nice" ladies. She cut off all contact until recently when she phoned saying she was upset and didn't want to discuss the fall out.Wanted to meet us as long as we didn't mention it. Then we haven't heard from her since. No idea what this was about.

omega1 Thu 01-Aug-19 12:17:29

When people move they also move on its like changing a job you meet other people and your life is different. You don't have much in common to talk about with the people you have left behind. Its nothing personal its just what happens. Why don't you concentrate on the friends you have and also making new ones.

Minniemoo Thu 01-Aug-19 11:33:02

I had a friend I'd had since school days. We'd be close then drifted, got back, drift etc etc. Life events and all that. If I was you I'd just wait and see now. She knows you are keen to be in touch but she's got other stuff on her mind now.

Just wait. And don't tell her off about not responding. This is what caused me to stop contacting aforementioned friend.

She would ask me why I'd not replied. She'd then write on my FB timeline ... 'sent you a message' ... then I'd get 'I know you've seen my message could you reply' etc etc. Drove me mad so in the end I had to give up. I'm not suggesting you've been a nuisance but I'd definitely let things be for now. She's had a stressful time.

CarlyD7 Thu 01-Aug-19 11:21:11

She's just moved and she has just lost her Mum - both of which will have taken enormous amount of both time and energy before and after. I think you need to be patient and just occasionally contact her (especially around her birthday, and then Christmas) - maybe tell her that you're thinking of her (as it will be her first birthday and Christmas without her Mum). Don't mention her not replying - no-one wants to be told off! In a year or so you will know whether this friendship will survive the distance - it's far too soon to assume that now.

sarahellenwhitney Thu 01-Aug-19 11:19:18

I would leave well alone and distance does not make or mean 'the heart grow/s fonder' which I would never take for granted.
When it comes to her birthday /christmas then send cards 'Would love to hear from you and hoping all is well'.
You can do no more than that.

jaylucy Thu 01-Aug-19 11:18:16

It's a busy time straight after a move, let alone dealing with a bereavement!
I wonder how many times she has gone to bed and thought "Damn! I didn't email back to...." ?
Just a quick email to say "Hi how are you and hope you are settling in ok" , no demand for a reply from time to time, giving news of what has been happening for you and she may well reply when she can.
On the other hand, you may find that your contact is reduced to Christmas and birthday cards as she moves on with her new life. Just keep the lines of communication open.

Margs Thu 01-Aug-19 11:17:08

Try contacting again - you won't be any worse off for it.

Kerenhappuch Thu 01-Aug-19 10:48:37

A long friendship of mine suddenly changed a few years ago. The friend got very busy with a new set of friends and activities, and couldn't have made it clearer that I wasn't a top priority, as she usually was to me.

Once I'd accepted that the friendship wasn't as close as it once was, I just left it to her to make the running and we're now back to a friendship that I enjoy. Along the way, I've learnt not to expect too much from her!

notanan2 Thu 01-Aug-19 10:29:41

Your demand for a reply would make me not want to reply even if I was planning to.

I think leave it. Sounds like she is under enough pressure with the move and the death and if you keep chasing her for replies (and sympathy cards do not get a reply generally) then your friendship will begin to feel like a chore to her not a pleasure.