Gransnet forums

Ask a gran

friendship problem

(35 Posts)
Catlover123 Wed 31-Jul-19 17:21:51

I have a friend who used to be a close friend but since moving hasn't kept in touch very often. I sent her a message via Facebook a couple of months ago asking her why she hadn't replied to a long email I sent her many weeks before that. She replied that she had enjoyed reading my email and would be in touch soon. She hasn't been in touch and not so long ago her mum died and I sent her a card. I would just like to know why she hasn't been in touch, it's just not knowing that is upsetting as I don't know if I have upset her in some way. Should I contact her again or would it be better to wait a bit longer since she may still be grieving?

Missfoodlove Wed 31-Jul-19 17:30:29

Is she in a bad place?
It can be hard to respond cheerfully if you are depressed or have a lot of problems.
I would email again saying there is no need to respond but tell her you thinking of her.

redorist Wed 31-Jul-19 17:30:40

I would be inclined to leave it for a few weeks and then ask if she is coming to terms with the loss of her mother and if she does not reply I would draw a line under your friendship

silverlining48 Wed 31-Jul-19 17:37:45

Cat lover. You have done the running so I would be inclined to wait to see if your friend gets in touch.
That my advice after a lifetime of always being the one to keep going with letters and calls, long after the friendship has died, so have learned from that (at last!). It’s not unusual for friendships to fall by the wayside after a move, whether that be house or job.
However up to you of course if you want to give it another try. Hope it works out fir you,

Madgran77 Wed 31-Jul-19 17:38:16

She may have just been busy with a new life after moving. Then bereaved which can be pretty debilitating! Why not contact her, ask how she is etc and suggest a meet up somewhere convenient for both of you when she is ready. Suggest a few dates you are free but also say no worries if she doesn't want to/ cant do any of those dates. Suggest she sends some suggested dates then leave the ball in her court. It doesn't sound like you have upset her as she said she would be in touch, she just has other things taking up time maybe?

Calendargirl Wed 31-Jul-19 17:40:01


Inclined to agree with your answer. If the OP’s friend doesn’t respond after a while, sadly may be best to assume for whatever reason she views the move as a suitable time to break ties.

MissAdventure Wed 31-Jul-19 17:55:05

How long is it since your friend moved?
I'm still trying to get straight in my flat and I moved in 30 years ago!
Add a bereavement to the mix, and I can understand that your friend may be feeling overwhelmed.

I'm sure she does appreciate your kind messages though, so please don't give up on her.

Dawn22 Thu 01-Aug-19 08:51:37

Missfoodlove has succinctly hit the nail on the head and this l think is really the problem with the friendship and may not be anything personal. Hope it works out for you as friendship problems can really sting.

lemongrove Thu 01-Aug-19 09:56:50

Agree with you Dawn22

NainFron Thu 01-Aug-19 10:19:46

Catlover123. This reminds me of a close friend that I used to have nearly 30 years ago. We saw each other weekly, she came to my hen night, my wedding, and visited me in hospital when I gave birth - not that I saw her that day as I was asleep. She left a gift for the new baby. I sent her a thank you card, phoned her several times, wrote a long letter, and called at her house but she completely ignored me. I was very very upset about it, thinking that I had somehow offended her. But I never found out why she did that. Nowadays, I think that people make their own choices, and that it's none of my business to find out why. Be kind, (to yourself as well as others), send the odd communication to let her know that you're still there, until you feel that there's no more point. If she wants to see you, she'll get in touch when she's ready to talk. Good luck. Focus on what's good in your life.

notanan2 Thu 01-Aug-19 10:29:41

Your demand for a reply would make me not want to reply even if I was planning to.

I think leave it. Sounds like she is under enough pressure with the move and the death and if you keep chasing her for replies (and sympathy cards do not get a reply generally) then your friendship will begin to feel like a chore to her not a pleasure.

Kerenhappuch Thu 01-Aug-19 10:48:37

A long friendship of mine suddenly changed a few years ago. The friend got very busy with a new set of friends and activities, and couldn't have made it clearer that I wasn't a top priority, as she usually was to me.

Once I'd accepted that the friendship wasn't as close as it once was, I just left it to her to make the running and we're now back to a friendship that I enjoy. Along the way, I've learnt not to expect too much from her!

Margs Thu 01-Aug-19 11:17:08

Try contacting again - you won't be any worse off for it.

jaylucy Thu 01-Aug-19 11:18:16

It's a busy time straight after a move, let alone dealing with a bereavement!
I wonder how many times she has gone to bed and thought "Damn! I didn't email back to...." ?
Just a quick email to say "Hi how are you and hope you are settling in ok" , no demand for a reply from time to time, giving news of what has been happening for you and she may well reply when she can.
On the other hand, you may find that your contact is reduced to Christmas and birthday cards as she moves on with her new life. Just keep the lines of communication open.

sarahellenwhitney Thu 01-Aug-19 11:19:18

I would leave well alone and distance does not make or mean 'the heart grow/s fonder' which I would never take for granted.
When it comes to her birthday /christmas then send cards 'Would love to hear from you and hoping all is well'.
You can do no more than that.

CarlyD7 Thu 01-Aug-19 11:21:11

She's just moved and she has just lost her Mum - both of which will have taken enormous amount of both time and energy before and after. I think you need to be patient and just occasionally contact her (especially around her birthday, and then Christmas) - maybe tell her that you're thinking of her (as it will be her first birthday and Christmas without her Mum). Don't mention her not replying - no-one wants to be told off! In a year or so you will know whether this friendship will survive the distance - it's far too soon to assume that now.

Minniemoo Thu 01-Aug-19 11:33:02

I had a friend I'd had since school days. We'd be close then drifted, got back, drift etc etc. Life events and all that. If I was you I'd just wait and see now. She knows you are keen to be in touch but she's got other stuff on her mind now.

Just wait. And don't tell her off about not responding. This is what caused me to stop contacting aforementioned friend.

She would ask me why I'd not replied. She'd then write on my FB timeline ... 'sent you a message' ... then I'd get 'I know you've seen my message could you reply' etc etc. Drove me mad so in the end I had to give up. I'm not suggesting you've been a nuisance but I'd definitely let things be for now. She's had a stressful time.

omega1 Thu 01-Aug-19 12:17:29

When people move they also move on its like changing a job you meet other people and your life is different. You don't have much in common to talk about with the people you have left behind. Its nothing personal its just what happens. Why don't you concentrate on the friends you have and also making new ones.

kircubbin2000 Thu 01-Aug-19 12:20:14

Similar happened to me. One of our bridge ladies told us she would be playing with a group of" nice" ladies. She cut off all contact until recently when she phoned saying she was upset and didn't want to discuss the fall out.Wanted to meet us as long as we didn't mention it. Then we haven't heard from her since. No idea what this was about.

DancesWithOtters Thu 01-Aug-19 12:32:13

It sounds like the in the last few months she has not only moved house but has also lost her mother.

Don't hassle her. She's had a lot to deal with and answering emails might not be top of her list of priorities right now.

Kim19 Thu 01-Aug-19 12:33:14

Do you have her phone number? If so, I would give her a call. Much more personal than any media in my opinion.k

TrendyNannie6 Thu 01-Aug-19 12:37:10

She’s just moved. She’s lost her mum for goodness sake I would leave her be for a while. She needs time to grieve. Don’t hassle her give her time and bit of space. I’m sure she will contact you when she’s able too

Cabbie21 Thu 01-Aug-19 12:56:22

As TrendyNannie6 said, don’t push it for now.
There is a lot to do after a major bereavement. I doubt you have offended her, but you will if you hassle her.

I have lots of friends from former jobs etc that I now only keep up with at Christmas, though if we were to meet up we would get on well and enjoy catching up.

Yellowmellow Thu 01-Aug-19 13:36:30

I think she has just moved. She has a new life and new friends. I have a good friend who had moved up north. We phone each other once a month, but that is because we had said we wouldn't let the friendship go. It is quite hard to maintain! Try not to take it personally. She just left her.old life behind

quizqueen Thu 01-Aug-19 14:02:12

I think you will have to accept that you are just not on her priority list at the moment, and try emailing or telephoning later in the year.