Help me deal with paternal grandparents mainly MIL?

Callistemon, that’s a little cruel don’t you think? We don’t know why OP had to go back to work so quickly.

No, Summerlove
This thread is following a rather familiar pattern.
drip-feeding bits of information

Why didn’t you do that when he was born I wonder?
I wondered too * Bluebelle*
It all sounds rather odd.

The thing is, even if this baby has formed a fabulous bond with his Grandma, the grandma is choosing not to see him.

She's chosen to go 2 weeks without seeing him because she isn't getting what she wants.
She has made that decision not to see him, so she can't be missing him that much and she can't be worried about him wondering where she is or they bond they have formed.

Doodle, that’s ridiculous. Baby was with the aunt 4 days and grandmother 1. A baby doesn’t know who is “supposed” to have more of a bond.

As far as genetic bonds, aunt and grand parent are pretty similar at 25%.

Oh I see. So the story has changed slightly. Not sure, but are you wondering if your mother in law doesn't want to go to your house because of your other child? Do they get on? Has there been much of a relationship? I could be totally getting it wrong so apologies if I have!

I do hope you get it sorted. For all your sakes.

It’s all very well for OP to have arranged for her sister to look after her baby but the bond between grandmother and grandchild is closer than that between aunt and child. I am not surprised grandma wanted more contact. However, I do think grandma should make more of an effort to get to know the other little girl in the family who could perhaps like a step grandparent too.

Callistemon, that’s a little cruel don’t you think? We don’t know why OP had to go back to work so quickly.

She’s not even trying to cut MIL out. She’s said very clearly she’s afraid of missing out on more “firsts” for baby. THATS why she doesn’t want to drop baby off with anyone.

Never mind she’ll have to pump and make other arrangements for a “visit” that isn’t what she wants.

She’s invited MIL over. She shouldn’t have to ship her child over there if she doesn’t want to

Look this is moving at a fast pace the poster has a 6 year old daughter and had to work long hours so her mum brought the daughter up for the first four years, now she has a new baby and the older child living with her but since the baby was born he has been with paternal mum in law one day a week (as a favour) and with her sister for the other days Now she has stopped work and wants to be with the baby full time but is happy for any relatives to visit and enjoy the baby but does not want full time care anymore Have I got this correct?

Well it must be your choice both your sister and mother in law have been honoured with a lot of time with the children and now it’s your turn to build your little family up I don’t think you should feel at all guilty about wanting to do it all yourself from now on
Why didn’t you do that when he was born I wonder?
Instead of saying call round why not ask them over for a meal or a get together slightly more formal than a casual just call in invitation
Don’t fall out with them but it IS your baby not the grandparents they MUST always be secondary in any relationship and I think you ve been very fair and I agree your husband must be more supportive and not leave it to you to tell his mum
Enjoy your two kids you sound as if you have more security in your life now
Good luck

Funny isn't it how sometimes when it suits routine is paramount, but when it doesn't suit routine can be dropped. This is a 9 month old baby who has had one routine and is having it changed. We may think babies don't mind who cares for them but there is evidence that babies who are moved around in early life (for example through adoption breakdown) have problems later on. Of course your baby is too young to ask where his GM is or why he isn't at her house any more. That doesn't mean he doesn't miss contact with her. It's fine to love your baby but part of loving is allowing others to care for and love him and not treating him as just 'yours'.
As for him growing up and not wanting hugs my huge 30+ DSs still hug me.

If others have cared for the baby for the first eight months of his life, then presumably the baby did not miss his mother very much either.
He will bond with his carers.

Paddyann,

The baby was left on mil's care as a favour to the grandmother, original poster clearly stated there was no need for it as her sister was taking care of the baby the whole week.

In my opinion, it is the first mistake, take into account somebody's wants vs the baby's needs.
Look at the entitlement it created.

The baby is 9 months old, s/he needs his/her mother more than any other person in the world.
Mother-baby bond beats external family-baby bond.

I highly doubt an 9 month baby misses and cries the grandmother. That is projection.

There are other ways to maintain that bond instead of demanding time alone with the child.

I agree with paddyann

MIL was good enough to care for the child when OP needed help, the baby will have formed a bond with his granny and with his auntie.
It seems like all take and no give on OP's part.

BUT but but Hithere The OP changed the schedule not the MIL.for 8 months baby has been used to spending time with his GM .He must miss her as much as she misses him.In my opinion the OP should be grateful the MIL stepped up and cared for him an dshe should be happy to take the child to visit.Apart from anything else she may want babyminding services to resume at some stage and keeping MIL onside would make sense .

Good post Hithere

"Dh,
Our baby is not a toy or a timeshare.
Babies thrive with routine, changing the baby's schedule benefits your mother, not our child
Your mother had her turn with her babies, now it is mine.
You are her son, you deal with her.
Telling her to call me and convince me is a very cowardly move on your part.
Your mother will not have her day with our child."

It is more involved than your first post, that's why you have to know all the facts before diving in. I can understand how you feel, you want to enjoy and make the most of your baby, you do not want your daughter sidelined either. Could you perhap, go to see mil once a fortnight with both children for just a couple of hours. You were happy and trusted her with your son for 8 months and she formed a bond with him, it was hard for her to have that stopped. Your husband wants you and his mom happy.

You’ve given them the option to visit you at home, if they choose to cut off their nose to spite their face, then that’s a choice they’ve made on their own.

Keep offering if you feel like it, but, your choices for child rearing are valid, and don’t feel guilty about thar

Stella949 thank you for pointing out the husband problem I didn’t see it from that perspective but it makes the most sense. I can talk to my mother about sensitive issues but my husband is not doing the same he instead is in a way asking me to deal with his mother as well.

I apologize if my post earlier on came across as me being upset at the comments it wasn’t meant that way at all. I also should have disclosed that I had a daughter who is 6 from a previous marriage. My son is my last baby and I want to hold on to those moments with him that I won’t be able to experience again. I guess I’m a weird mother I don’t want to go shopping or anything he is growing so fast that all that can wait for later years when kids are grown and they don’t want to be held, kissed or hugged by their mother anymore.

AS they often say on Mumsnet, you don't have a MIL problem, you have a husband problem. As long as your DH refuses to stand strong with you, your MIL will continue to make a fuss about this because she thinks she can convince him. And it makes you out to be the "bad guy" !

My suggestion would be to have a good long discussion with your DH and demand that he stand strong with you ! You are his wife, his loyalty is supposed to be with you now. As long as he wavers and can't stand up to his mother, this situation will continue.

You're doing the right thing - spending time with your children and your DH will be wonderful for you all. Best wishes to you .

veigrace I think most posters are seeing that your MIL is being tactless , demanding and rather OTT in her desperation to maintain the arrangement of one day per week in her burgeoning relationship with her grandson. Most posters are saying you are entitled to make the decisions that you have made. Many are saying that it is your husband you need to talk to and that you need to stand together. There appears to be no reason why MIL cant visit ...but little point in asking us on GN about that as we are not party to her reasons, just assuming what they might be! You seem to now be getting upset by replies on here which are trying to be helpful and giving pretty consistent replies ...and you are also giving more information which further explains why you have made your decisions.
Please please talk to your husband, explain the decision to MIL kindly but firmly, if she rings say that you have already explained and if convenient offer she calls for a cup of tea etc ...and focus your time on your family not on trying to find an answer from Gransnetters ...we are not your MIL and in the end we cant speak for her

Velgrace…….You've got a lot of juggling to do to make everyone happy don't you!!

Mil seems to be throwing a bit of a hissy fit. Just ignore it. She should get used to the new routine.

Your son is six so he must be at school for some of the time, so can't you visit mil then?
Maybe mil can visit you alternately and look after baby whilst you wash your hair or do something nice for yourself?

I agree with you, you should spend whatever time you can with your daughter whilst she is young, but a few hours now and again isn't the earth is it?

I'm sure you will find it will pay dividends in the future.

If you only explain half the story you cannot expect us to know all these things. You ask a question then bring in another child which wasn’t mentioned at all in your OP. This puts a different perspective on what you are trying to achieve.

I understand what many are saying about leaving my son one day with her to have a break or half a day because she helped me in the past.

My response: my sister baby sat him the full week and she asked me to allow her to have one day where she took care of him. So I agreed since he is her first and only grandkid. I didn’t have the need to do so. If I do decide to go back to work I would not use family anymore to baby sit because of this issues and last minute cancellations on baby sitting arrangements.

I am holding on to this baby so much because my husband doesn’t want any more babies. He had to help my MIL raise 3 out of her 5 kids so he is so done with raising kids. She had 5 kids to shower them with love.

I have a daughter who is 6 from my first marriage and my mom helped me raise her for 4 years of her life. These last 2 she has been with my husband and I only. My mother had no problem when I said now that I have a family please visit when you like but I can’t have the kids be apart from each other as we are trying to establish family routines and schedules. My mom and dad do stop by and visit the kids and for helping raise my first daughter I thought she would have a bigger problem not take my daughter with her but she understands. My MIL only wants to take my son since my daughter is not her grandkid. I told my husband I will not separate my kids. They are step brother and sister but I will try to raise them together therefore I hope she can understand that my home is the middle ground for that.

I got to raise my daughter while working a lot too because I needed the money to survive financially. Now we are sacrificing a bit for me to be home with the kids so I can have the time with both but also for the first time be able to experience how my son talks and walks as I missed that with my daughter.

I just want opinions from grandmothers as well why is it so hard to visit. If she made an effort to visit I can stop at her house as well. I just have more responsibilities with my kids being smaller and my daughters actitudes and hw.

I didn’t use her I already had hired my sister to take care of both of my children Monday through Friday and she asked me to allow her one day with the baby only.

And my husband has already said no more kids so I almost feel like this is my last chance at experiencing all these moments she had 5 kids why is that not enough for her it frustrates me.

No, it's not your husband's responsibility to convince you against your will and what he should be saying is, 'Look Mum, we love you and are very grateful for all your past help but things are different now. You know the door is open, why not visit?' The answer is, of course, because she's in a snit

Yes, she's lonely for your darling son, her grandson but you have not barred her from seeing him, or even limited her. The circumstance changed, that's all and she has to accept it.

Your husband should be showing a loyal, united front, not asking his Mum to ring you as if it is your fault!

When my first son was born, a prem baby needing his mother's love and care, I had no alternative but to leave him with mil and work in the business my husband had just purchased.

I longed to be with my baby but could not. So I know how you feel.
I was away from the farm we then shared with my parents in law (who were lovely) from 7am, to well after midnight. It was a gruelling job with a long commute which eventually broke my health.

So please stick with your decision; these days never come again, even if you have many more children. This one is unique.

Your baby, your own family, your rules. Grandparents need to realise that they are on the outside looking in and any contact with grandchildren is at the will of the children.

As a paternal grandparent with a very happy relationship with DS and family, it is because I have always accepted that they are a separate family and I do not intrude on their decisions over their children and their welfare, including their decisions on their care. Unless the children were at risk physically or mentally, I would never question what they did, no matter how much I disagreed with it.

Your MiL is entirely out of court and needs to be kindly but firmly put in her place.