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Help me deal with paternal grandparents mainly MIL?

(68 Posts)
velgrace Wed 31-Jul-19 18:38:05

I have a 9 month old baby. I was a working mom until he turned 8 months. My MIL watched him one day a week all day. I stopped working because I want to be there when he starts talking and walking. My MIL wants us to continue the arrangement of one full day a week and I said no. She wants us to drop off my son at her house for full days or us to take him to her. I am still breastfeeding so I don’t want to pump to arrange for that full day she wants with him and I don’t want to miss if he walks and talks randomly. My MIL and family are welcome to come visit him at our house any day but they don’t want that option. They want to take him, I feel bad that it’s been 2 weeks they have skipped on seeing him because they don’t want to visit him at my house but they want to take him only. I need advise how to deal with my MIL and not cause a bigger conflict I know they think I’m ungrateful because they’ve watched him before but I was working then. Also now I’m bonding with my family on the weekends and my MIL wants to take the baby all Saturday sometimes I said they can just visit instead. I want my son with me I use to work 16 Hrs before I don’t want to pump anymore. Am I being selfish.

TwiceAsNice Wed 31-Jul-19 18:49:09

No it’s your baby your rules. You are not saying MIL can’t visit it’s her problem if she doesn’t come. You obviously tried going back to work but didn’t like it so you changed your mind. That’s fine you didn’t realise how much you would miss the baby when you were at work. I’m sure MIL enjoyed having him to herself but he is YOUR BABY! What does your partner think?

Bibbity Wed 31-Jul-19 18:52:31

Don’t make an argument. You’ve set your boundary and left the door open to them. Now leave them to it. Don’t chase them or beg or bend to their will.
If they want to cut their nose off to spite their face then that’s their choice.

velgrace Wed 31-Jul-19 19:00:40

My husband feels stuck in between his mother wishes and me. He takes my side but mother in law continues to insist by calling him about it and I just want him to tell her it’s his decision as well otherwise he makes it seem I’m the only one keeping the baby from them. He tells his mother to call me and convince me.

March Wed 31-Jul-19 19:03:47

Circumstances have changed now so you and your husband don't need child care. You're not at work so you don't need somone to watch your child for a full day because you are there.

You've given up work for that reason so you are a SAHM. You havn't said she can't see him just that she doesn't need to have him for the full day.

There's not much really you can say or do just stick to your guns and hopefully she will come round. I understand she must be upset as she got to spend a full day with him so tread carefully.

Gonegirl Wed 31-Jul-19 19:07:10

Couldn't you visit for half a day now and again and then go out shopping or something! so they have the baby to themselves for a couple of hours? They have been very good to you. It must be hard for them to not have their grandchild at their house at all now.

Gonegirl Wed 31-Jul-19 19:08:20

don't know where that rogue is exclamation mark came from.

GrandmaKT Wed 31-Jul-19 19:14:01

I agree with Gonegirl. You were happy for them to have your son when you needed them! Make the most of the offer and as GG says, whilst you are breastfeeding maybe just leave him for a couple of hours and then build it up as he gets older. Lots of mums would be so happy to have the help they are offering and a bit of time to themselves and I'm sure you will too as your son gets older.

March Wed 31-Jul-19 19:14:32

Just seen its been 2 weeks that she hasn't seen him because she doesnt want to come round and see him. That's them doing that, not you.
The door is open and they are choosing not to see him.

Just crack on doing what you're doing.

Doodle Wed 31-Jul-19 19:14:36

Your MIL probably loved having her grandson every week and got attached to him as is only natural. Grandparents often feel as close to and loving to their grandchildren as they do their own children (I do not mean in a possessive way just in a loving way). You allowed your MIL to have your son when it was convenient for you but now that you don’t want to work anymore you want to end the arrangement. I can understand your reasoning but also understand that your MIL might be upset.
You say in your post “she wants us to drop him off at her house for full days or us to take him to her”. Why can’t you do the latter? If you don’t want to leave him with her why can’t you go to her house with him sometimes? Your MIL has been deemed to be safe to look after your son until he was 8 months old could you not return the favour a bit and allow her to see him in her own home sometimes?

Daisymae Wed 31-Jul-19 19:47:12

At the end of the day this is your son and you have to do what you feel is the right thing to do. Your husband should also make sure that he backs you up. If they decide not to come over because they can't have their way then that is their loss. You have left the door open and I imagine that they will want to come around at some stage. Your family, your rules.

Madgran77 Wed 31-Jul-19 20:32:40

In the end you and your husband need to agree what you want for your child, tell MIL together and stick to it. But that can be clearly stated whilst also saying how much you appreciate their help so far and that you would really appreciate being able to leave the baby for a couple of hours when you need a haircut/ for a break/ do some shopping or whatever. Also how lovely if they could pop in to see you and the baby but not at weekends at the moment as you are busy. Maybe you could pop in to them occasionally too?

If your husband is telling his mother to "convince you" then he is not being loyal to you and is not acting in the best interests of your partnership. Talk to him about that too...otherwise as your child grows and potentially other things arise with his parents, he us likely to similarly abdicate responsibility.

MIL is desperate to hold on to the burgeoning relationship with her grandchild ..and is being somewhat tactless and unfair to you in her desperation! Some firm kindliness as part of some honest conversation could set the pattern for the future in the way you want. flowers

Madgran77 Wed 31-Jul-19 20:34:02

...If after all that they choose not to engage then sadly that is their choice. Just leave the door open as above and wait. But your husband has to stand with you

Callistemon Wed 31-Jul-19 20:39:59

It seems strange to me that you didn't take the statutory maternity leave during the first months of your DS's life, bonding with him, feeding him, looking after him yourself, instead of constantly 'pumping' .

Or is it me?
Do they do things differently in the US, if that is where you are?

Your MIL has got used to having her DGS when it suited you and was convenient for you. Can you not go over to see her, or, as someone suggested, leave him with her while you go shopping etc?

trisher Wed 31-Jul-19 20:48:50

I wonder how much warning you gave your MIL about what was going to happen? It doesn't sound as if there has been much discussion. If she was landed with this suddenly her reacion is understandable. You might also like to consider the long term effects and the future. Are you planning on being a permanent SAHM? Or will you be returning to work and in need of childcare at some time? If you want to have the support and help of your MIL you are going to have to make some gesture towards her,perhaps arranging a half day or some other regular contact at her house. She probably re-arranged her life to provide a day's care for you when you were working couldn't you at least allow her some time with your baby now?

Minniemoo Wed 31-Jul-19 20:56:00

She's probably very upset. Her little once a week companion isn't there any more. She'll have forged a bond with him.

I totally understand your point of view but I can see how upsetting this is to her. She's cutting off her nose to spite her face but is beyond reasoning with at the moment.

Hopefully she'll get over it and come and visit you all at your home. No strings. I'm sure in the future you'll be happy for her to take him for the odd day here and there. Maybe you could tell her that ?

Sara65 Wed 31-Jul-19 21:03:24

I think you are being very reasonable, you no longer need the baby to be minded one day a week, why on earth would you carry on with an arrangement which isn’t necessary

Their attitude worries me a bit, why do they need to have the baby on their own?

Welcome them into your own home, and maybe it would be mutually beneficial for you to pop out to the hairdresser, or meet a friend for coffee, but never forget, your baby

Hm999 Wed 31-Jul-19 21:06:45

I look after DGD one day a week, it's great; I see it as we're laying the foundations for our lifelong relationship. It is completely different from being with her when either/both parents are there.

MiL has started this special relationship, and wants it to continue. Personally I think the weekend is family time for mum, dad and baby, but then that only fits if all work Monday to Friday.

M0nica Wed 31-Jul-19 21:14:47

Your baby, your own family, your rules. Grandparents need to realise that they are on the outside looking in and any contact with grandchildren is at the will of the children.

As a paternal grandparent with a very happy relationship with DS and family, it is because I have always accepted that they are a separate family and I do not intrude on their decisions over their children and their welfare, including their decisions on their care. Unless the children were at risk physically or mentally, I would never question what they did, no matter how much I disagreed with it.

Your MiL is entirely out of court and needs to be kindly but firmly put in her place.

BradfordLass72 Wed 31-Jul-19 22:05:31

No, it's not your husband's responsibility to convince you against your will and what he should be saying is, 'Look Mum, we love you and are very grateful for all your past help but things are different now. You know the door is open, why not visit?' The answer is, of course, because she's in a snit smile

Yes, she's lonely for your darling son, her grandson but you have not barred her from seeing him, or even limited her. The circumstance changed, that's all and she has to accept it.

Your husband should be showing a loyal, united front, not asking his Mum to ring you as if it is your fault!

When my first son was born, a prem baby needing his mother's love and care, I had no alternative but to leave him with mil and work in the business my husband had just purchased.

I longed to be with my baby but could not. So I know how you feel.
I was away from the farm we then shared with my parents in law (who were lovely) from 7am, to well after midnight. It was a gruelling job with a long commute which eventually broke my health.

So please stick with your decision; these days never come again, even if you have many more children. This one is unique.

velgrace Wed 31-Jul-19 23:37:47

I understand what many are saying about leaving my son one day with her to have a break or half a day because she helped me in the past.

My response: my sister baby sat him the full week and she asked me to allow her to have one day where she took care of him. So I agreed since he is her first and only grandkid. I didn’t have the need to do so. If I do decide to go back to work I would not use family anymore to baby sit because of this issues and last minute cancellations on baby sitting arrangements.

I am holding on to this baby so much because my husband doesn’t want any more babies. He had to help my MIL raise 3 out of her 5 kids so he is so done with raising kids. She had 5 kids to shower them with love.

I have a daughter who is 6 from my first marriage and my mom helped me raise her for 4 years of her life. These last 2 she has been with my husband and I only. My mother had no problem when I said now that I have a family please visit when you like but I can’t have the kids be apart from each other as we are trying to establish family routines and schedules. My mom and dad do stop by and visit the kids and for helping raise my first daughter I thought she would have a bigger problem not take my daughter with her but she understands. My MIL only wants to take my son since my daughter is not her grandkid. I told my husband I will not separate my kids. They are step brother and sister but I will try to raise them together therefore I hope she can understand that my home is the middle ground for that.

I got to raise my daughter while working a lot too because I needed the money to survive financially. Now we are sacrificing a bit for me to be home with the kids so I can have the time with both but also for the first time be able to experience how my son talks and walks as I missed that with my daughter.

I just want opinions from grandmothers as well why is it so hard to visit. If she made an effort to visit I can stop at her house as well. I just have more responsibilities with my kids being smaller and my daughters actitudes and hw.

I didn’t use her I already had hired my sister to take care of both of my children Monday through Friday and she asked me to allow her one day with the baby only.

And my husband has already said no more kids so I almost feel like this is my last chance at experiencing all these moments she had 5 kids why is that not enough for her it frustrates me.

Doodle Thu 01-Aug-19 00:26:09

If you only explain half the story you cannot expect us to know all these things. You ask a question then bring in another child which wasn’t mentioned at all in your OP. This puts a different perspective on what you are trying to achieve.

Namsnanny Thu 01-Aug-19 00:43:35

Velgrace…….You've got a lot of juggling to do to make everyone happy don't you!!

Mil seems to be throwing a bit of a hissy fit. Just ignore it. She should get used to the new routine.

Your son is six so he must be at school for some of the time, so can't you visit mil then?
Maybe mil can visit you alternately and look after baby whilst you wash your hair or do something nice for yourself?

I agree with you, you should spend whatever time you can with your daughter whilst she is young, but a few hours now and again isn't the earth is it?

I'm sure you will find it will pay dividends in the future.


Madgran77 Thu 01-Aug-19 06:26:25

veigrace I think most posters are seeing that your MIL is being tactless , demanding and rather OTT in her desperation to maintain the arrangement of one day per week in her burgeoning relationship with her grandson. Most posters are saying you are entitled to make the decisions that you have made. Many are saying that it is your husband you need to talk to and that you need to stand together. There appears to be no reason why MIL cant visit ...but little point in asking us on GN about that as we are not party to her reasons, just assuming what they might be! You seem to now be getting upset by replies on here which are trying to be helpful and giving pretty consistent replies ...and you are also giving more information which further explains why you have made your decisions.
Please please talk to your husband, explain the decision to MIL kindly but firmly, if she rings say that you have already explained and if convenient offer she calls for a cup of tea etc ...and focus your time on your family not on trying to find an answer from Gransnetters ...we are not your MIL and in the end we cant speak for her flowers

stella1949 Thu 01-Aug-19 07:49:31

AS they often say on Mumsnet, you don't have a MIL problem, you have a husband problem. As long as your DH refuses to stand strong with you, your MIL will continue to make a fuss about this because she thinks she can convince him. And it makes you out to be the "bad guy" !

My suggestion would be to have a good long discussion with your DH and demand that he stand strong with you ! You are his wife, his loyalty is supposed to be with you now. As long as he wavers and can't stand up to his mother, this situation will continue.

You're doing the right thing - spending time with your children and your DH will be wonderful for you all. Best wishes to you .