Ashamed of son.

Mothers do not help to 'ease their own guilt'. They help because they love their kids and because whatever happens they are committed to their kids. Yes, parents must show tough love but this must be combined with long term commitment, patience and forgiveness. There is no quick fix. Hopefully parents are there for the long haul. I sincerely hope things slowly but steadily improve for your son,Alfie

As a mother, your intentions to help your child are misguided. You do it to ease your own guilt.

The money he doesn't spend in housing and feeding himslef- he spends on drugs
Do you provide transpoetarion for him? He could be picking up drugs
Do you give him pocket money? He is buying drugs
Do you pay his cellphone bill? He is calling his drug dealer

Addiction affects the whole family.
Even if he goes to rehab, everybody around him needs to be treated as well.

I do not think that addicts are choosing to refuse help - they are acting out of profound fear, as the addiction is so strong that it becomes impossible to imagine not having this in their lives. It is as vital as breathing to them; and it is easier to back away from rehab than face the seemingly impossible task of continuing life without the drug.

I am filled with fury when I think about these truly dreadful cynical people who deal in these drugs. Sickening.

You cannot say the son does not want help. If only it was that easy! I have worked with addicts. When pressed they virtually all say they want a relationship, a home and a job. They want to be 'normal'. It is SO hard to fight addiction. Those of us who are over the ideal weight know how hard it is to be disciplined in what we eat so imagine the physical and psychological aspects of addiction to drugs or alcohol.

You cannot help someone who doesn't want help and to me it sounds as if this son of yours does not want help. He just wants to run home to mummy whenever the rest of the world is sick to death of him.

Tell him to leave and make sure he does. Stealing from you is not acceptable and it won't stop at your bread maker.

I know this is hard, but apparently our husband was right not to want his son in the house.

AlfieBass, I weep for you, your son didn’t choose to be an addict . He is in denial.

Don’t cut him out of your life , yes help him find a place to live and set boundaries but hard as it is don’t cut him out of your life. X

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/aug/18/my-son-keeps-stealing-from-me-and-my-dad-but-i-cant-tell-anyone-mariella-frostrup

Alfie, some useful information here

Unimaginably difficult for you. Sometimes the best thing to do is the toughest. Our children, even as adults play on our caring instincts. You have done everything to try to give your son a fighting chance to change his disruptive behaviour & habits. Time to put yourselves and rest of family as priority. Wishing you well

One or two nasty, hard hearted, rude people on here thankfully not many
hithere and H1954 horrible hurtful posts without an ounce of thought gone into them hopefully you are never in the situation
notanan that’s a lovely idea
None of us can say what life event or corner turned can lead to a downward spiral for our children and it goes without
saying we love them unconditionally Addiction is the hardest thing in the world
Tomorrow is the day you are home and the day it may all blow up please take very great care of yourself and remember you will always be a mum and however bad it is he is your baby who has taken the wrong turning he is not an evil person
I truly sincerely hope it goes ok let is know, most of us are rooting for you
Good luck to all with a difficult relationship, and stay in touch if at all possible, once gone it’s so much harder for everyone

I'd also send my best hopes for the future to all those who are or have been affected by similar problems.

There are many replies and I have read every one. They are all helpful even the more forthright posters.
I see the way forward as a new place for him to live where with hope he will get help.
We will of course support him.
He has no obvious mental health problems. He has been assessed and found free of any such like.
My biggest fear is of losing touch with him and he goes on a complete downward spiral although it seems from the advice that he has to get to rock bottom. Thank you everyone.

H1954 is obviously one of those people who can't understand addiction. Just ignore.
My brother was the nicest person and I miss him so much.

Would you like your dear child to be called a specimen of a human being H1954? Of course not! Please show some compassion or don't bother to post. No parent would happily call the police and let their child get a criminal record.

Alfiebass, awful for you and your family going through this. I wish I had good advice, daresay you have tried everything. It must be hard for you yo ask him to leave, but I can understand how you can tolerate the things he has gone. Perhaps, he will seek the help he needs when he us rock bottom. We are only as happy as our unhappiest child I know that. People can and do change, let's pray he does.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Op,

You also owe your dh an apology.

He didn't want his own son back at home due to his addiction problem.

This excuse for a human being - dear me. This is someone's dear son who has fallen into drug addiction. Please try to imagine how they might be feeling. There is nothing "sanctimonious" about trying to be understanding.

Well theft is theft, whether it be from a complete stranger or your nearest and dearest!

This excuse for a human being is treading all over his parents, the very people who he should love and respect, in exchange for what? His next fix, his next tin of special brew! Shame on him!!!!!!!

He needs to be reported to the police for theft immediately you return home! He has taken advantage of you both and other family members, destroying relationships and lives in the process. His beliefs that everyone does drugs and drinks alcohol merely defines his life choices; he is no good to you or himself whilst ever he maintains that thought process. Yes, he needs help, yes, he needs rehab but until he admits and accepts that he needs help he will never change.

I'm so sorry he is destroying your lives and livelihood but I'm equally appalled at the sanctimonious attitude of some GN members. Until this specimen of a human being admits he is doing wrong nothing will get put right!

AlfieBass A rotten situation for you.There are no easy answers, drug and alchohol dependencies lead to a chaotic and sometimes criminal lifestyle, but whatever he does he is your son and you love him ( but obviously don’t love his behaviour.)Does he have mental health problems that you know of? Something has created this situation, and unaddressed mental disorders often lead to wanting the ‘crutch’ of drink/drugs to help a person deal with the world.

Gemmag - I am sorry to hear about your son.

It is so hard when these things happen to our offspring as we love them dearly and always have such high hopes of them.

Looking after yourself and your own security/sanity doesnt = not loving ir caring for him!

I saw a documentary years ago about a woman in Brighton whose addict daughter stole from her every time she let her in her home. The daughter wasnt "bad" just deep into her addictions and help had been offered but the addictions were too strong..

The mums solution, which I thought was loving and touching was to be in the same cafe every week at lunch time. Her daughter sometimes came and sometimes didnt. Money was never on offer but a hot meal and a listening ear from someone loving was always there for her.

So the daughter always new she was loved.

But the rest of the family wasnt being destroyed in the process.

I always remembered that..

We are also ashamed of our daughter. She has been a heavy cannabis user since her teens and lives a chaotic life with her young baby.

She is no longer with the father of her child who is also a drug user and suffers from very severe Bipolar Disorder.

She has stolen from us and from her grandmother to fund her habit and she will lie constantly to get what she wants.

She is often extremely abusive towards us and sees any offers of help as interference. I have often felt extremely embarrassed and ashamed of the way she behaves towards us or anyone else who says or does something she doesn't like.

We don't give her money any more but we do have to pay her mortgage and often pay for her shopping.

Thankfully she doesn't live with us (that would be impossible) but it means we are constantly worrying about her and our beautiful GD.

She is a good Mum to her daughter who is a very happy child and obviously well cared for but we have to 'walk on eggshells' around her so that we can keep a watchful eye on them both.

I simply don't see a way out of it at all.

AlfieBass, ignore the negative comments, people have far too much to say when they have no idea what we are up against.

Nice to see an apology Gemmag and good luck with your son too

Thank you everyone I'm listening to all the advice given.
Gemmag Apology accepted. Thank you.