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Ashamed of son.

(92 Posts)
AlfieBass Fri 16-Aug-19 21:02:00

I'm bitterly upset and am ashamed of my son.
We have two other children, one a teacher one owns a small business.
I've name changed to post.

He has had problems , drugs, alchohol, he's had lengthy disappearances. Years of no contact between us/him.
Christmas 2017 he came to live with us after splitting with his girlfriend. We hadn't seen him for years.

It all went very wrong , he was taking drugs and drinking which caused him to neglect his two children when they visited at weekends.
His behaviour caused problems

He left in November 2018 just ten months after arriving. All he had was a friends sofa to go to.

After complete silence he turned up again in April, homeless, jobless and carless.

Against my DH wishes we welcomed him back to start again,
To cut a long story short he hasn't been making any changes in his behaviour.

DH and I have been away for four weeks (work) leaving him in the house. I expect a mess when we return.
What I didn't expect was to see our brand new bread maker up for sale on Facebook. My husband discovered this.
I'm disgusted, ashamed , scared he's sold other things. My DH has some very valuable tools. It's theft, by our own son

We can't get home until Monday. I'm afraid we'll have to ask him to leave. I'm heartbroken and angry.

Any advice or thoughts will help.

jura2 Fri 16-Aug-19 21:05:07

just can't find the words - or any solution bar the one you have accepted already. I am so so sorry- it must be the hardest thing to do.


AlfieBass Fri 16-Aug-19 21:05:50

Should add that other family members do not speak to him because money went missing from them and they blame him.
His eleven year old son doesn't want to see him because of past neglect. I'm at the end of my tether. The grandchildren deserve so much more.

M0nica Fri 16-Aug-19 21:24:03

Alfiebass, I am so sorry, but you have two other children, who have turned out well,. Sadly it seems that even the best of parents, can sometimes have a child that turns out ammoral and immoral (in the widest sense). You are not the first parents to have this problem and I am sure some other parents on GN will come back with similar stories

I can understand why you are both heart-broken and angry. But do not say 'I am afraid we'll have to ask him to leave, there are times when that is the right decision to make, without apology. You must tell him to go and make it clear that it is final, there is no coming back, when it suits him. Especially when he has breached every possible line of trust and stolen from his family.

You have your two other children and I deduce you have contact with his children, you must make clear to them that they can visit you and come to you because there is no chance at all that they may ever find their father in the house.

At times like this I know nothing can console you for what your son has done to you and others. There are times when estrangement is the only solution and this is one of them.

One of your children has let you down badly, but anyone looking at you knowing that, can look at your other two children and see that you have children to be proud of.

shirleyhick Fri 16-Aug-19 21:31:47

Have you taken your son to a doctor to see about going to Re-Hab I no there is a waiting list but it will be a start they will also be able to give you some numbers for you to ring for help and advise. I really hope he has not sold anything from your house and if he has you will have no option but to ask him to leave as you will never be able to trust him.

crazyH Fri 16-Aug-19 21:37:05

How difficult a situation you find yourself in Alfiebass !! All I can do is give you a hug and some flowers

Bordersgirl57 Fri 16-Aug-19 21:37:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Doodle Fri 16-Aug-19 21:39:13

It sounds as though the drugs and alcohol have hold of him and he has no control over what he is doing. Would he consider rehab as shirley suggested?

Luckygirl Fri 16-Aug-19 21:40:46

So sad for you - I can understand you wanting him to leave - but what else can you do?

I am sure that you, and others, have tried to set him on the right track and get him all the help he needs. But some people are very hard to help. What a burden for you.

AlfieBass Fri 16-Aug-19 21:40:48

Thank you for replies

He won't admit he needs rehab.
According to him we are out of touch and everyone takes drugs and drinks all the time. He can't see he's got problems that destroy his life.

mosaicwarts Fri 16-Aug-19 22:02:07

So sorry AlfieBass. My late husband's first marriage BIL was an addict and stayed with them for a while - sold their tv, stole from their purse and wallet, stole from his toddler son's moneybox - they had to ask him to leave sad He ended up on the streets and died at quite a young age, very sadly.

I worked at a youth club and did a lot of research on substance abuse. The addict hates himself for doing bad things like stealing money, but can't help it as the need is so powerful, and would sell his own grandmother to get money for drugs.

I'm not sure what area you are in, but there are organisations around that deal with substance abuse, whether drugs or alcohol, that may help. It's an illness and he does need treatment. I've seen leaflets at the doctor's surgery - in Northumberland it's called 'Sorted'.

I am sure he loves you both dearly, but he has chosen his path of self destruction, and only he can decide to change direction. Be very positive and insist he gets help. Good luck, I am so sorry you are going through this.

Gemmag Fri 16-Aug-19 22:05:05

Your son needs to go into rehab. Would you prefer that he ended up on the streets because that’s most likely what will happen if he doesn’t get the help he so desperately needs. Has anyone tried to get him to seek help for his alcohol and drug addiction?. How can you be disgusted and ashamed with a son who is very sick!. You should be doing everything you can to get him to seek professional help.

fizzers Fri 16-Aug-19 22:10:40

I had a cousin like this, addicted to alcohol and heroin, she lost custody of her two sons, one went to his father, the other one was relinquished to her parents to raise.

She was a complete mess, lost all her teeth, was stealing and prostituting, her parents and other family members helped her so many times but nothing changed.

In the end her parents went to live in Spain with the eldest boy because he was being badly affected by his mother's drug use, the rest of the family had to turn their back and refuse to help, because in effect she had to reach absolute rock bottom, and by helping her out all of the time the family was enabling her to carry on her chaotic lifestyle.

She did eventually admit that the problem was too much and sought rehab. This time she stuck it out and has been clean for eight years. She now has a full time job in a rehab, has a good life and is married, has reconnected with her children, but it took over 25 years of drug and alcohol misuse before she turned the corner

seacliff Fri 16-Aug-19 22:15:04

So sorry for you AlfieBass. I know 2 friends who have gone through similar experiences. They are good mothers and good families, their other children have turned out well. They have really tried for years to help in many ways, spent money on rehab and counselling etc, put up with so much, to no avail.

There comes a time when you have to say enough, for your own sake, he must leave. He needs to get to the stage where he asks for help, knows that he needs help, and then just hope some is available. If you have not asked your doctor, I would try that.

AlfieBass Fri 16-Aug-19 22:17:11

I shouldn't have to spell it out that we've tried to help him.

Luckygirl Fri 16-Aug-19 22:18:41

Gemmag - that is harsh and unhelpful. I am sure that the OP has tried everything to get her son help - she has taken him in again against her OH's wishes for a start - and look what happened.

It is very hard indeed to get an addict to receive the help so badly needed - they are indeed often their own worst enemies.

I have a close relative who is an addict and I know that his mother has done everything to try and get him into the right help - it has destroyed her life as well as her DC's. There comes a point where self-preservation has to kick in - two lives destroyed is not the answer.

This sort of judgemental attitude is just what families do not need.

AlfieBass Fri 16-Aug-19 22:19:20

I'm so glad that on here there is understanding of the helplessness families face when the addict refuses help.

Bibbity Fri 16-Aug-19 22:22:01

I am so sorry Op. This must be so heart wrenching.
The cruel reality is that unless he helps himself nobody can help him.

If he has stolen from you I would call the police.

Bordersgirl57 Fri 16-Aug-19 22:26:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fizzers Fri 16-Aug-19 22:31:04

well said Bordersgirl57

Bibbity Fri 16-Aug-19 22:35:52

Well said Borders

I did want to address that disgusting post but didn’t feel that I could do it with some vios.

BradfordLass72 Fri 16-Aug-19 22:52:15

Oh dear, what a very sad situation. It has to be tough-love from now on, however heartbreaking that may be.

Yes, addiction is a sickness and it changes people so that what was a normal conscience just twists into what the addict needs.

In a way, it's not unlike dementia in that the person you knew and loved is no longer there in that familiar body. This is not your son any longer and as long as he denies he needs help, nothing will change.

But you have to protect yourselves and your other children by making sure you are no longer a refuge for this addicted stranger.
I wish you all the very best - it's a hard road.

cornergran Fri 16-Aug-19 23:19:27

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation AlfieBass and can only agree with bordersgirl, if your son doesn’t want to change then sadly he won’t.

You can do nothing until you arrive back home. Then you will find the strength to deal with what you must, whether that involves your son or the harm you fear has happened in your home.

Many years ago we watched neighbours go through the same thing and were impacted slightly as their son stole from us and no, we didn’t ostracise the parents. It’s a horrific situation and not caused by you. Talk to us here if it helps, you’ll find most of us supportive and understanding.

Marelli Fri 16-Aug-19 23:49:01

AlfieBass, there comes a time, when you've tried and done everything you can to help your addicted loved one, where you have to start taking stock. Unfortunately, 'going into rehab' isn't as easy as all that. For a start, the addicted person needs to admit they have a problem for which they need help. Waiting lists can be long and if going private, is very expensive indeed. Families Anonymous run a very good 12-step programme for the families of addicts. This can be accessed online, but there are groups in some of the bigger towns and these can be tremendously helpful and supportive. Good luck, my dear. x

GoodMama Sat 17-Aug-19 00:22:46

AlfieBass, you have my deepest sympathy. Please know you did everything you could to help him the best you could. You gave him every opportunity to help himself while you and your DH provided a safe place and support for him.

Addiction is a terrible thing.

I do agree with other posters. If you truly want him to get help it’s time to call the police.

It will be hard, but it might be all you can do. He needs bigger consequences to his actions. He clearly takes you for granted.

It’s time to show him where you draw the line.

It might be the only way to save him.

Hugs to you.