Ashamed of son.

AlfieBass.........I have just re read my post and I apologise if it sounded too harsh. I was a bit hasty and reacted to the heading ‘I’m ashamed of my son’.

Earlier on this year we found out that our son was an alcoholic. He was a functional alcoholic but was finding it more and more difficult to lead a normal life. His marriage of eighteen years had broken down and he started to drink even more heavily. Part of the problem was that they didn’t have children, lots of failed IVF’s . He met a very nice woman but eventually she too had had enough and chucked him out. He came to live with us and at the beginning we ignored his drinking which never took place in front of us. He had the top of our house so lived separately from us. He found it extremely difficult to speak to us so we just tried to pretend that everything was ok and that he would seek help. We have never our son drunk.

Unless you have experienced this with a son or daughter you have absolutely no idea what it does to the rest of the family.

Fortunately for my son his partner is very supportive and it was at her insistence that he sought help. He was an outpatient at a private hospital for six weeks and has not had a drink for three months. They are back living together with her young daughter who adores my son and he her but I don’t let myself think of the future as we know that an alcoholic is always going to be an alcoholic.

It is an illness. My son was always a hard drinker but we thought it was normal as all his friends drank a lot. The only difference was that they knew when to stop but the alcoholic doesn’t have that switch off button and they just want to drink more and more. My brother was an alcoholic so it’s probably genetic.

Alfie....you must get help for your son because if you turn him away who knows what will happen to him. Our son never stole anything from us and I know that he’s been very lucky to be able to efford private care.

We never think that this is going to happen to us but when it does you just do the best you can. I’m very sorry that I upset you and I know exactly how you are feeling. It is the most awful thing. I wish you the very best and hope that your son will seek the help he needs.?

btw, I have some experience of a son and addiction. It is the pits, the absolute pits.

It sounds awful when I read it back, sorry. I guess I do actually believe that. I'm so very sorry for the OP.

He is lost but he is dragging people down with him.

'The addict I'm afraid needs to leave' I'm sure you didn't mean to be hurtful Lessismore but this is Alfie's dear son we are talking about. He is extremely precious to her just like all our children are. He has lost his way.

My young brother refused to seek help . He sadly died of a heart attack aged 52. He was the loveliest person.

I'm so sorry for you Alfiebass. There's no need to feel ashamed. And that is not a criticism at all. He can't help it. But until he realises he needs help he won't ask for it and no one can make him. And he might never ask.

Unfortunately you will have to exclude him from your home but you can help him to find somewhere to live and make sure he has some food.
And do what ever you can for his family.
And step back a bit for the sake of your own sanity and wellbeing.
It's very sad and hard to cope with. I do sympathise. And I feel so sorry for your son too.

I hope that the experiences of others on GN has helped you realise you are not alone with this. Your son will not be helped until he asks for it, but maybe you and your DH need to get help for yourselves, help to realise that it is not your fault. Good luck, we are all with you.

Alfie, you sound a little bit angry and maybe that is no bad thing.
Please get support for yourself, find groups to join which offer help.
The addict I'm afraid needs to leave .

You are all so very helpful.
Thank you for responding.
to all who have been through similar problems.

Just realised, I mirrored Suesocks. Sorry for the repetition.

So, so sorry to hear your heart break. I agree with most posters, you have no option but to ask him to leave.

I have an alcoholic friend (dry for over 30 years) and she is adamant that no one can help an alcoholic, no therapy or rehab unless the alcoholic himself wants to truly change. The kindest thing you can do is to stop enabling the addict as you prolong the illness (horrendous if you are the parent) and wait and pray that a crisis will catapult him into that vital step to seek help from a professional and AA by himself.

He has to hit rock bottom before he will/can decide to change and you paying for his hostel or accommodation is enabling his addiction and will prevent him from reaching that vital step to recovery.

Take care of yourself and his children. You may want to consider Alanon for yourself but most of all his children who are also suffering so much. In fact I recommend channelling any helplessness you may feel about this situation into supporting your grand children, his children.
Take care.

Alfie, so sad to read this. We have been in a similar situation with my step son. He is now late 40s, we went through hell with him for over 20 years. He was addicted to heroin. He had 2 children both were adopted having been born addicted as his partner was an addict. He had 2 spells in prison, came out clean on both occasions then went back to the drugs. He stayed with us after his release on both occasions but within weeks was using again and stealing from us to buy the drugs. All I wanted was for him to stop using the drugs, but you cannot make someone stop, they have to want to do it themselves. Getting someone into rehab as others have suggested won’t work unless they are determined to stop.
I was very ashamed of him & couldn’t tell anyone about him.
I went to a support group for family & friends of addicts, it helped me to realise that I wasn’t alone, others were experiencing the same things I was, these people came from all walks of life. Some people had been able to pay for rehab for their children more than once & it hadn’t worked.
He broke into our house more than once, was forever demanding money to pay off his dealers.
In the end we had to say enough is enough and refused to have contact with him, he could well have ended on the streets, but he was an adult & made his own choices.
In the end he stopped using, he met a lovely woman, she knows about his past & they are happy together. I asked him recently what made him stop, he said that he was fed up with that lifestyle.
We have been through hell with him, he sent me to the edge of a breakdown, work was the only thing that kept me going. I still suffer from a degree of anxiety & depression as a result of this, but am receiving CBT & am on the way to recovery I think.
Alfie you cannot make him stop, you must focus on the grandchildren and on yourself, you did all you could for him as a child, his current state is due to his choices in life. It is so much harder for you than it was for me as you are a mum & not just a step-mum, but there comes a time when you have to leave him to his own devices, my support group used to call it tough love.
I am so sorry for what you are going through, nobody knows how awful this is unless they have been there themselves.
Sending you lots of positive thoughts & the hope that you will have the strength to get through this.
Sorry that this goes on a bit.

Dear Alfie I m so sorry this is horrible because you are torn in two, you love and want to help your son, but he won’t or can’t allow it He believes he doesn’t need any help, he’s kidding himself he’s living a normal life and it HAS become normal to him he sees you as the block to his life although he still comes to you when at his lowest so you are still an integral part of his life
This is heartbreaking but you will have to ask him to leave again even if it means calling the police to get him out
Yes he’s ill and yes he needs support but it can’t come from you perhaps if he’s arrested he will get help

In the meantime get help for yourselves from a drug/ alcohol abuse service they will put it in perspective for you and give you ideas and support etc that is so very important that you learn how to deal with him because he will try to come back and you will always want to help because he is your boy and you love him and you will always hope he’s changed

Poor man he is so deeply addicted that nothing but strict professional help will work and until he is ready or is forced through court or health he CANNOT change

Please ignore gemmag s post that was nasty and judgemental and deserves and apology if she’s big enough

You also need to find organizations that support families of addicts and attend their meetings.

Stop enabling your son.

Evict him from your home as soon as possible.

He will have to reach rock bottom to realize he needs help.

So sorry for you, Alfie. I think there must come a time when you say, 'Enough is enough.' You've done everything you can to help your son, so you should never feel guilty.

My daughter was married to an alcoholic. It took two long, heartbreaking years for her to decide that she'd had enough. Two terms of re-hab did no good at all.

He's your son. You love him. But I think there comes a time when you have nothing left to give, without destroying your own lives. And you can't let that happen.

Put your time and energy into supporting his wife and children. They must need you very much.

Take heart that you have two other children who are doing well, and deserve your love and attention.

It's shit, I know. And so hard for you. Be strong.

Sending you .

Alfie -if you find when you return home that he has abused your home and hospitality I think you have to ask him to leave and then he must never be allowed to live with you again. Could you help him find a flat or room or hostel and possibly pay the deposit? It may be easier to support him from a distance. Would he agree to see the local drug and alcohol team? Nowadays rehab has gone out of fashion as the outcomes are no better than working with patients while they are at home. I wish you well. Hope the situation improves

So sorry but my son is like that he blames us but it is up to him .He was sexually abused by a teenager where we previously lived but unfortunately at trial the other person won and he was not offered counselling .To top the lot he has Attention Deficit Disorder and Dyspraxia plus other difficulties and will not take medication .School was hell for him as then very little was known about these conditions so he was doomed to fail .Until he asks for help we are stuck but he threatens us for money all the time and gets in debt however many times we bail him out enough is enough

AlfieBass, you have my deepest sympathy. Please know you did everything you could to help him the best you could. You gave him every opportunity to help himself while you and your DH provided a safe place and support for him.

Addiction is a terrible thing.

I do agree with other posters. If you truly want him to get help it’s time to call the police.

It will be hard, but it might be all you can do. He needs bigger consequences to his actions. He clearly takes you for granted.

It’s time to show him where you draw the line.

It might be the only way to save him.

Hugs to you.

AlfieBass, there comes a time, when you've tried and done everything you can to help your addicted loved one, where you have to start taking stock. Unfortunately, 'going into rehab' isn't as easy as all that. For a start, the addicted person needs to admit they have a problem for which they need help. Waiting lists can be long and if going private, is very expensive indeed. Families Anonymous run a very good 12-step programme for the families of addicts. This can be accessed online, but there are groups in some of the bigger towns and these can be tremendously helpful and supportive. Good luck, my dear. x

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation AlfieBass and can only agree with bordersgirl, if your son doesn’t want to change then sadly he won’t.

You can do nothing until you arrive back home. Then you will find the strength to deal with what you must, whether that involves your son or the harm you fear has happened in your home.

Many years ago we watched neighbours go through the same thing and were impacted slightly as their son stole from us and no, we didn’t ostracise the parents. It’s a horrific situation and not caused by you. Talk to us here if it helps, you’ll find most of us supportive and understanding.

Oh dear, what a very sad situation. It has to be tough-love from now on, however heartbreaking that may be.

Yes, addiction is a sickness and it changes people so that what was a normal conscience just twists into what the addict needs.

In a way, it's not unlike dementia in that the person you knew and loved is no longer there in that familiar body. This is not your son any longer and as long as he denies he needs help, nothing will change.

But you have to protect yourselves and your other children by making sure you are no longer a refuge for this addicted stranger.
I wish you all the very best - it's a hard road.

Well said Borders

I did want to address that disgusting post but didn’t feel that I could do it with some vios.

well said Bordersgirl57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I am so sorry Op. This must be so heart wrenching.
The cruel reality is that unless he helps himself nobody can help him.

If he has stolen from you I would call the police.