Ashamed of son.

I'm so glad that on here there is understanding of the helplessness families face when the addict refuses help.

Gemmag - that is harsh and unhelpful. I am sure that the OP has tried everything to get her son help - she has taken him in again against her OH's wishes for a start - and look what happened.

It is very hard indeed to get an addict to receive the help so badly needed - they are indeed often their own worst enemies.

I have a close relative who is an addict and I know that his mother has done everything to try and get him into the right help - it has destroyed her life as well as her DC's. There comes a point where self-preservation has to kick in - two lives destroyed is not the answer.

This sort of judgemental attitude is just what families do not need.

Gemmag
I shouldn't have to spell it out that we've tried to help him.

So sorry for you AlfieBass. I know 2 friends who have gone through similar experiences. They are good mothers and good families, their other children have turned out well. They have really tried for years to help in many ways, spent money on rehab and counselling etc, put up with so much, to no avail.

There comes a time when you have to say enough, for your own sake, he must leave. He needs to get to the stage where he asks for help, knows that he needs help, and then just hope some is available. If you have not asked your doctor, I would try that.

I had a cousin like this, addicted to alcohol and heroin, she lost custody of her two sons, one went to his father, the other one was relinquished to her parents to raise.

She was a complete mess, lost all her teeth, was stealing and prostituting, her parents and other family members helped her so many times but nothing changed.

In the end her parents went to live in Spain with the eldest boy because he was being badly affected by his mother's drug use, the rest of the family had to turn their back and refuse to help, because in effect she had to reach absolute rock bottom, and by helping her out all of the time the family was enabling her to carry on her chaotic lifestyle.

She did eventually admit that the problem was too much and sought rehab. This time she stuck it out and has been clean for eight years. She now has a full time job in a rehab, has a good life and is married, has reconnected with her children, but it took over 25 years of drug and alcohol misuse before she turned the corner

Your son needs to go into rehab. Would you prefer that he ended up on the streets because that’s most likely what will happen if he doesn’t get the help he so desperately needs. Has anyone tried to get him to seek help for his alcohol and drug addiction?. How can you be disgusted and ashamed with a son who is very sick!. You should be doing everything you can to get him to seek professional help.

So sorry AlfieBass. My late husband's first marriage BIL was an addict and stayed with them for a while - sold their tv, stole from their purse and wallet, stole from his toddler son's moneybox - they had to ask him to leave He ended up on the streets and died at quite a young age, very sadly.

I worked at a youth club and did a lot of research on substance abuse. The addict hates himself for doing bad things like stealing money, but can't help it as the need is so powerful, and would sell his own grandmother to get money for drugs.

I'm not sure what area you are in, but there are organisations around that deal with substance abuse, whether drugs or alcohol, that may help. It's an illness and he does need treatment. I've seen leaflets at the doctor's surgery - in Northumberland it's called 'Sorted'.

I am sure he loves you both dearly, but he has chosen his path of self destruction, and only he can decide to change direction. Be very positive and insist he gets help. Good luck, I am so sorry you are going through this.

Thank you for replies

shirleyhick
He won't admit he needs rehab.
According to him we are out of touch and everyone takes drugs and drinks all the time. He can't see he's got problems that destroy his life.

So sad for you - I can understand you wanting him to leave - but what else can you do?

I am sure that you, and others, have tried to set him on the right track and get him all the help he needs. But some people are very hard to help. What a burden for you.

It sounds as though the drugs and alcohol have hold of him and he has no control over what he is doing. Would he consider rehab as shirley suggested?

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

How difficult a situation you find yourself in Alfiebass !! All I can do is give you a hug and some

Have you taken your son to a doctor to see about going to Re-Hab I no there is a waiting list but it will be a start they will also be able to give you some numbers for you to ring for help and advise. I really hope he has not sold anything from your house and if he has you will have no option but to ask him to leave as you will never be able to trust him.

Alfiebass, I am so sorry, but you have two other children, who have turned out well,. Sadly it seems that even the best of parents, can sometimes have a child that turns out ammoral and immoral (in the widest sense). You are not the first parents to have this problem and I am sure some other parents on GN will come back with similar stories

I can understand why you are both heart-broken and angry. But do not say 'I am afraid we'll have to ask him to leave, there are times when that is the right decision to make, without apology. You must tell him to go and make it clear that it is final, there is no coming back, when it suits him. Especially when he has breached every possible line of trust and stolen from his family.

You have your two other children and I deduce you have contact with his children, you must make clear to them that they can visit you and come to you because there is no chance at all that they may ever find their father in the house.

At times like this I know nothing can console you for what your son has done to you and others. There are times when estrangement is the only solution and this is one of them.

One of your children has let you down badly, but anyone looking at you knowing that, can look at your other two children and see that you have children to be proud of.

Should add that other family members do not speak to him because money went missing from them and they blame him.
His eleven year old son doesn't want to see him because of past neglect. I'm at the end of my tether. The grandchildren deserve so much more.

just can't find the words - or any solution bar the one you have accepted already. I am so so sorry- it must be the hardest thing to do.

hugs