Ashamed of son.

First - you're a great mum and this is NOT your fault. We all do our best for our children and some just take a wrong path. I personally know a judge's son who is in the same position as yours.
Sometimes we have to be strong and say enough is enough. Your son may need to hit rock bottom before he chooses to change. Let him sort his own problems out. I know you love him and want what's best for him but he is an adult and as such we all have to live with the consequences of our choices good or bad. You've done your best. Time to stop trying to push the boulder uphill.
It may get worse or it may get better. But it's not right for you to have your own life constantly ruined by worry. You are a good person and a great mum and you've come a long way on your son's journey.. Let him determine the rest of it himself. Its up to him now.

I'm so deeply sorry, Alfiebass. Please take some comfort in the idea that it isn't really your son who is doing these things, it's the drugs/addiction. I have no advice to give but sending hugs!

Alfie, I hope you feel able to follow up on some of the support groups and so on which people have mentioned.

Hope everything works out AlfieBass, and you have happier times ahead Take care of yourselves x

Nothing to add to the advice and support here, other than to acknowledge how right you are to express doubt he will see the need for counselling. Best of luck in your attempts to get him to re-consider.
Take care of yourself x

Hope things work out well. Take a deep breath and try and unwind and relax a little x

NanaMacGeek
I'll talk with him.
I doubt he'll see the need for counselling.
He's full steam ahead that everything will be fine.

I will be trying to persuade him to get counselling though.

I don't think he can plan to change on his own though. While he is talking about change, could you get him to accept some counselling?

Thank you Monica

Thank you phoenix for the flowers.

When I refer to him changing his ways I mean he plans to change.

phoenix
On the face of it hes saying all the right things. He gets carried away with life changing ideas. Changing his ways.

I really think he believes it at the time.

We've seen and heard it before so I have my doubts.

My main concern is the GC and offering support for the new child.
Long term if that includes him or not remains to be seen.

But AlfieBass does HE realise that? And do you think this night be the kick up the arse bottom that might make him change the drink & drugs thing?

I really, really hope for all concerned, you, his wife/partner and children that it will be.

Oh I agree Phoenix he is very fortunate.

on Saturday.

I do knit.

Funnily enough n Saturday I packed away a knitting booklet for baby clothes.

"Well i wont be needing that will I" thinks me!

Sending every good wish, and hoping that when you return to your home things are as you left them.

Perhaps a new baby on the horizon might make your son rethink things and take appropriate steps?

Seems like he has been a second chance with his family, hoping he realises how fortunate he has been to be given it!

Alfie, this is a turn up for the books. play it cool, think through every possible outcome of this momentous announcement.

Hope for the best, plan for the worst. - and start knitting those baby clothes

Sorry, I forgot the spacing.

I thought I would update on the last few days events.
On Sunday I missed a call from my son. He then sent a text at 8.30 am saying he was in trouble.
With a sinking heart I rang him.
He'd been having a panic attack.
Brought on by the knowledge that although they've been apart since May there is a baby on the way. Due just after Christmas.
As of today hes made a decision to go back home, he's applied for several jobs which he has a good chance of getting. He's a plumber.
He's vowing to give this child everything including his love and attention. His children, my only GC, are eleven and four.
There are still the original problems and I know this will not be a miracle cure.
I've a feeling it will all go wrong again for them but with another child in the mix.
So I've no need to ask him to leave. He's going.
I don't know what to make of it all.
I'm worried for them, shocked and pleased all at once.

Sadly, I have experience.

AlfieBass, addicts will do anything to feed their addiction, including stealing from family. Their behaviour may be completely out of character and the addiction may seem to be beyond their control.

I hope that you can access some suitable help for him, preferably at a distance from yourselves. At the end of the day, somewhere inside, he's still your son. It's gone beyond the stage where you can support and help him yourselves so a line needs to be drawn but don't take his past 'crimes' personally, blame the addiction instead.

It's all very well for Hithere to quote article an article from Psychology Today and talk about parents wanting to ease their guilt but I don't see anything in any of Highthere's posts that tell me the posts are from experience.

My adult son has been a recovering alcoholic for more than three years. We brought him home to live with us after his 2nd detox in hospital. Do we feel guilty that we somehow caused his alcoholism or enabled him? No, why should we? Are we ashamed of him? No, I'm so proud of his courage, as Luckygirl says, the strength of addiction is terrifying and those that fight it deserve support and admiration. Do we discuss what has happened with anyone? No, only because our son has asked us not to.

AlfieBass you need support, Al-Anon and Adfam are the usual go to places. However, I would urge you to find out as much as possible about services available for addicts. See if there are any counsellors specialising in intervention, find out about rehab etc. - you may need to act quickly if your son asks for help, in my experience, Al-Anon haven’t a lot to offer if the addict means to recover, I have not tried Adfam though.

I'm so sorry for you AlfieBass. Although it is still early days for a recovering addict and I know that my son could relapse, I now have hope. I wish that for you too.

This article doesn't tell me anything new Hithere. It's estimate that 25 -50% of addicts relapse seems a very optimistic figure. In my experience and from my studies it is a lot more.

Mumofmadboys
www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/when-your-adult-child-breaks-your-heart/201403/parenting-substance-abuser%3famp