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I feel I can''t cope with any more

(48 Posts)
pinkjj27 Tue 27-Aug-19 13:10:43

I vowed I would never post on GN again due to being attacked for my spelling when answering on another post, but I feel so lost so lonely and just feel I can’t cope with one more thing going wrong.
Earlier this year My husband's grave was smashed up. I put the grave back and brought new things for it. It happened again and again. ( I know my own fault for putting it all back) I got a small birdwatching camera and caught pictures of my step son damaging the grave. He actually urinated and phooed all over the grave, wiping the phoo into the head stone. ( I had to clean it up)

I contacted police but they said unless a life was at risk or it was racial or homophobic, they didn’t deal with criminal damage anymore. They told me to paid to have my husband dug up and cremated even though that is not what he wanted and I can’t afford that if it’s even possible. I rang police after my step son got in touch asking for money and the police threaten to charge me with wasting their time. if I called them again on this matter. I went down very low and have stopped going to the grave I can’t cope with seeing it like it is. I have felt like my Dh died all over again and i miss visting him.

Then £ 500 was taken out my bank, it turned out to be Virgin media. After much dispute and them testing my home phone, which I hardly used it turned out they had charged me £475 for one phone call made to my mobile over a number of hours/ days. I think my mother who has dementia came in when I was away and called my mobile from my home phone and forgot to hang up. I have to pay it virgin won’t help in any way.

Then I was diagnosed with an autoimmune defect disease which has left me feeling poorly and low for some time now but it’s getting worse and doctors can’t seem to help.

I have also had lot of other thing go wrong to the point I shake every time my phone rings or a letter comes through the door. I have been feeling suicidal but then feel ashamed for being self-pitying.

I have not been out much this summer and can’t make my weekly visit to my DHs grave.

My doctor ( if I can get an appointment) is not very helpful and there are no doctors taking new patens near me.

I started a DIY project that became too much and I just can’t seem to move on with it and I am in a mess at home. I got a quote but can’t afford to fix it so have to do it myself.

Then yesterday I found out my sister had passed away. She has been ill for some time. She has very brave positive and getting on with her life. I have been texting her and she has been replying and we have met up and stuff so the relationship was ok.

For over a month or so I felt something wasn’t quite right I have text her and she has answered but she kept asking me not to text and I just got the feeling something wasn’t right. I decided to ask my sister something only her and I would know, when I got the reply, I knew it wasn’t by sister. I said who is that? no reply, then I said is that XXXX? ( My nephews name). A reply came back with no it’s his wife. I said “is my sister still alive? she said “Really? you really want to do this in a text?” I said “can you just tell me the truth”. The reply came back with “no she is dead” I was very hurt and upset. I asked about the funeral. The reply was so up setting and shocking. The reply. was “Been, done and gone” she died in July you have been texting me, you idiot".

It turns out that only 2 of my sisters, one in Spain and one in USA were told, myself and one other little sister were not told. My other (older) sisters didn’t contact us!!! I have no idea why but one of my sisters is very very rich and ashamed of me because I live in a small ex council house and I have dyslexia ( but I do have a degree a masters and a teaching qualification so not I am thick ) . She has told me many times I am embarrassment and I should be ashamed of who I am. (I am not) She lives in Spain and they have servants and vin yards and she academically very intelligent and married to a very wealthy man. . So, I guess that why she didn’t tell me she thinks I am not worthy. but my little sister wasnt told eaither. I am not sure why my oldest sister, who is also very rich disnt tell us. She just said “what is there to say we all knew she was dying end of. It don’t matter when it happened, so you weren’t told get over it. Why do you always have to bring emotion to it? you werent invited we were what does that tell you dont cry its done .” I didn’t reply.

Both my older sisters inherited my dad’s wealth but he always said I wasn’t his so didn’t include me in the will. But I have never contested that nor been bitter about it. I have never mentioned it. I signed a document to say I wouldn’t contest it.
They oldest two are rich but my little sister and I are not and my nephews says he didn’t want us to contest my sister's will!! As If we would!!!! I knew of the will and he is her son of course I would never contest that. There is nothing to ever suggest we would.

My other sister got very drunk and went for my sister’s family but I just feel so very hurt and overwhelmed with grief that I feel I can’t cope with any more. I had to ring around and tell my cousins and uncles she had gone most didn’t know.
I breast fed my Nephew when my sister couldn’t, he is two days older than my youngest I protected him and stood up for him against bullies. I feel so hurt and I feel like I am grieving for my husband all over again as well as my sister.

My nephew is refusing to tell me where she is buried and says that she said she didn’t want me at the grave. I was on good terms with her so she had no reason to say that. When I asked why he didn’t tell me he said "because you are emotional moron" then blocked me. I am emotional.

We had a terrible childhood and my sisters and I were very close I protected my little sisters from my abusive violent father. He hated me but adored my two older sisters. My mother was cold and obsessed with my father and would tell us kids to say a man had come into the home to make him jealous. She would put glasses of whisky out and put fags in ash trays to make it look like and man had been in. My dad would come home and smashed the house up us younger kids included. I took the brunt of it as he always said I was a bastard and not his, my mum would taunt him and laugh and say no she is not and I enjoyed every moment of it to make his jealous and he wouls attack me voilently. Then they would make up and the games would go on and on. I have suffered anxiety since age 7.

A D&A shows I was his, even though I am very different to the rest.

My nephew was always lovely but he changed after marrying a very controlling women but I have had no trouble with them. I have no idea why they have done this to me and my little sister.

Sorry this is so long. I don’t expect answers I just wanted to pour it all out. I don’t seem to have anyone to talk to I am lecturer so off work till next month and feel so alone so trapped. I just feel I have so much I am dealing with I can’t see the point to life.

Please don’t attack me for my spelling or grammar.

crazyH Tue 27-Aug-19 20:02:40

All I can do is send you a big, big, big hug and some flowers.
Look after yourself and hope things get better xx

Sar53 Tue 27-Aug-19 20:10:16

Pink my heart goes out to you. You have so much to cope with at the moment, no wonder you feel so overwhelmed.
Please speak to your doctor and tell him how you are feeling. Ring the Samaritans, they will listen for as long as you need to off load and please carry on 'talking' to us here on Gransnet.
We may not have any answers but we care. flowers xx

Keeper1 Tue 27-Aug-19 20:31:55

Pink you really have had a terrible time and your older sisters are bullies. As the others have said get some support from the University, contact citizens advice. There are also self referring counselling services available.

As for spelling, think of Mark Twain he said he didn’t want to spell words the same way as everyone else. I understand he did quite well with his writing.

Sending you a big big hug x

Sussexborn Tue 27-Aug-19 20:44:30

So sorry you are having such a struggle. Some really helpful comments. Can you check when your local M.P. or councillors hold surgeries so you can see if they can help in any way. Ours would give the relevant party a kick up the btm to get them moving.

We inherited a huge greenhouse and at some point a hidden gas tap was switched on either by one of our children or a visiting child. There was a huge bill but after some negotiation we were able to pay it off over two years.

Ignore the rude and ilł mannered people who criticise your spelling/grammar. Generally they are of the same ilk as your older sisters, ignorant bullies.

Have a look on YouTube for tutorials helping with anxiety and stress.

Alexa Tue 27-Aug-19 21:10:16

Pinkjj You did well to write to the grans. I do hope you found some help.

You are obviously well organised , as I can see from the way you write all your problems in paragraphs. I am a fan of paragraphs!

What interests me most is the matter of your husband's grave. It's important to you to visit the grave and see that it's well kept. I can understand how hurtful it was that your stepson desecrated it. I note that it has been difficult for you to visit the grave. Please forgive me if \i am impertinent but you could make an alternative special place in your own nice home where his memory would be safe from harm and where you can go to remember him. Maybe a photo and a few flowers beside the photo . Or something you have written for him and keep it all there together in the special corner dedicated to him with a little chair for you to sit and remember for a few minutes out of your busy day.

Luckygirl Tue 27-Aug-19 21:16:06

The advice to break all this down into manageable chunks is sound. You can then decide what you need to tackle first.

I am sure that the educational establishment where you work will have counselling services, so see them and get them to help you sort out the priorities - counsellors do not have a magic wand but they can be very good at helping people to sort through their difficulties and decide what can and cannot be remedied; and in what order.

M0nica Tue 27-Aug-19 22:36:37

What has happened to your DH's grave is appalling. The police reaction is even worse. Complain to your MP. Complain to the local police commissioner

Here is a link to the police complaints commission.

Ring the Samaritans, I know several people who are Samaritans and would feel very comfortable talking to then.

Visit the CAB and get advice on dealing with the Virgin bill.

With a childhood like that of you and your siblings I am not surprised your family are dysfunctional. Like others I think you need to keep to a minimum contact with those that treat you so badly, but remember that your childhood was damaging to all of you and they are as damaged as you, but have reacted differently.

Build on your relationship with your younger sister and leave the rest alone.

Ignore the fools that criticise spelling and other such things. They are simply demonstrating their own ignorance and crassness.My posts are usually peppered with misspellings and typos.

Meanwhile, look after yourself. Give yourself a day off and plan a day that is entirely self-indulgent; go out in the country for a walk and have a nice lunch at a a pub, visit a stately home, go to the theatre or a concert, but cosset and treat yourself. It will be balm to your soul.

pinkjj27 Tue 27-Aug-19 22:45:37

I just want to say thank you to all that have replied. I was very close to the edge this morning. I havent been able to read anything till now as a big family row kicked off, it was all so distressing and abusive I didn’t get involved and I want to rise above it but I just felt like running and never coming back.
I have never ever spoken about my childhood and seeing it written I just cried and cried. As I read your replies, I realised People had cared enough to reply and were all on my side I need to just step back and breath and gransnet help me see that.
I need to grieve for my sister then like many of you said I need to sort things out one problem at a time.

I was very hurt on gransnet a while ago when i was attacked for my grammer but today I realised that was just one person and I was right to give it another chance. theres is more good here than bad.

I am worn out but I really felt the love and as corny as that sounds I really feel like you have pulled me back from, well jumping if you know what I mean thank you.

pinkjj27 Tue 27-Aug-19 22:53:33

just read all the advice again thank you I am too tired to pick anyone out but silly as it sounds I think I had lost my fight and never thought of some of these solutions so thank you

MissAdventure Tue 27-Aug-19 22:56:21

Please keep posting here, pink, as you'll find people will help you in all sorts of ways.

Nannytopsy Tue 27-Aug-19 23:11:32

Pink I think a lovely photo in your own home is the way to go instead of visiting the grave. After a while you may find that your step son gives up on the damage.

pinkjj27 Tue 27-Aug-19 23:23:22

Thank you my home is full of photos of my lovely DH but he asked me to make sure he had a marking in the palce he grew up. A grave that showed the world how much he was loved by his kids, grandkids and me I did that but it was destroyed and I feel I have let him down.

Bellanonna Tue 27-Aug-19 23:55:19

What I’ve learnt tonight from reading this thread is how lovely the gransnetters (on here) are. Pink, lots of good advice, onwards and upwards.

Feelingmyage55 Wed 28-Aug-19 00:48:56

pinkjj27 💐 for you. There is a thread on Gransnet here called The Black Dog Gang where I think you will get a lot of positive support.
Good luck with your DIY project - remember tube has some very useful tutorials which may help you.

rosecarmel Wed 28-Aug-19 04:24:47

Each day do 6 things and write them down - It doesn't matter how big or small the task-

Each is an achievement- Including breathing-

SueDonim Wed 28-Aug-19 11:30:44

Pinkjj27 I'm glad you've come back to tell us you're feeling a little bit brighter today. As others say, just ignore the spelling nit-pickers who like to make others feel small in order to make themselves feel big.

I hope you now feel that some of your problems can be resolved. Do something nice for yourself because there's no point in trying to solve other people's problems, only they can do that. One thing I thought of regarding your sister. The circumstances surrounding her death can't be changed and you're right to be angry about that, but would your sister want you to go on feeling that way? Probably not. What about putting together a memory book about her, just for your own pleasure? If you have photos of her or mementoes such as letters, that would be lovely but simply writing down your lovely memories of her might bring her closer to you again. When I learned that my sister was dying, it got me thinking back to our childhood and once I'd begin thinking, other things came back as well, things I hadn't though of for 50 years! I haven't shared them with anyone, it's just me and my thoughts but I find them comforting.

Doodle Wed 28-Aug-19 20:18:34

pink so glad you are feeling a bit more positive. Please pop into the Black dog gang if you are down.

Stellavision Thu 29-Aug-19 00:43:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Starlady Thu 29-Aug-19 06:15:58

Pink, sending lots of hugs!

So glad you're feeling better, and how kind of you to come back in and tell us!

Lots of good advice here, IMO. Hope something here works for you!

More hugs!

Alexa Thu 29-Aug-19 11:31:50

Pinkjj, you say you think you let your husband down by not managing to protect his grave against the vandal.

Most people feel they have let down the dear departed in one way or another. Actually it's impossible to go through life without hurting someone else in some way.

Remorse is good but too much remorse is not good for you or anyone around you.

You don't imagine your nice husband wanted you to beat yourself up about this matter for the rest of your life. Let the dead be dead in peaceful oblivion. Make an effort to think of him laughing instead of picturing him looking reproachful. You can control your thoughts.

NotSpaghetti Thu 29-Aug-19 12:10:40

Here are a few ideas of mine and some of others who I feel the need to reiterate.

1. I don’t know where you lecture but as others have said, all UK universities will have counselling for staff. You should straight away get an appointment booked and then you are one step further forward.

2. Most universities now offer “Mindfulness” training which is fantastic for stress and is something you can work on at home. It will help wash away the worries and just “be” for a while. It seems to give relief in darker times to most people. It’s certainly worth a go. I realise you might not have much energy now but if you can get on a more positive path the next semester won’t be so daunting.

3. You can change doctors even if other surgeries are technically full. Below is a link about your choices. Basically you can request to join a surgery by filling in a registration form at the chosen practice and then if they won’t have you they have to give you a reason in writing. If you have no luck, you contact the CCG. I know this works as I have done it!

Good luck. I do hope you steadily start to feel a bit more positive.
Here is the link:

Lessismore Thu 29-Aug-19 14:01:03

Pink, come back and check in, we care about you.

Stella, I think you are on the wrong thread maybe?