MIL's Behaviour

On Mumsnet one of the standard put downs suggested in cases like this is saying "Did you mean to be so rude

Got it all worked out over there have they? Why am I not surprised.

I am finding her increasingly hard to cope with

Does she really need "coping" with? Can't you just answer her when she says these things in the same way you would any other human being?

We have a woman in our elder's group who is exactly like that - she delights in upsetting people. She particularly disliked me at first.
If she riles someone, she'll laugh.

I came to the conclusion that as this woman became more and more disabled and powerless (she walks very slowly with a frame and has just had to accept live-in help) she uses her 'forthrightness' as a means of getting power and control back into her life.

She's never been an easy person and because she's got away with it so long, it's got worse.

She's 80 now and no hope at all of changing but now I feel sorry for her because I see her as very sad and lonely and hating what she's now been forced to accept as daily life.

I suspect your mil has the same sort of issues.

I shall practice the advice from Phoenix.
It's possible your mother in law is developing some form of dementia. My experience is that we become more like ourselves as we get older. It sounds as though she enjoys upsetting people and has decided to give herself permission to behave as badly as she likes.
The best thing is to ignore as much as possible, just as we do with 3 year olds who can't stop shouting 'pooh'

Sorry but I am with the MIL on this one if you say draw ring you deserve a tongue lashing. I can not tolerate yous either, the plural of you is you. I will say to people "ewes are female sheep".

As some of my relations have aged, they have started to be rude and tactless. Beforehand, they'd been very nice people.

As others have said, if she enjoys upsetting people, I wouldn't give her the pleasure of knowing her words had hit home. Not always easy though.

Does she have a mental condition that made her lose her filter?

She claims she chooses not to censor her verbal thoughts

You can also choose to give her a warning to stop it and if she does it again, remove yourself from her presence.

Well actually, a lot of people say drawring instead of drawing and it really bugs me. I have corrected my grandchildren on that but I would never dream of referring to their weight etc. She is probably concerned, but there is a way of saying things. Age does not give you a licence to say nasty things. Call her an old bag - see how she likes it.

Very good advice Phoenix, I was going to suggest the same to you*annab*. Non verbal responses are the best way of dealing with this, you're shutting down the conversation and IMO engaging on the same level is about as much good as banging your head against a brick wall.

Good luck.

*You could try non verbal admonishing!

Practice this in from of the mirror:

Put your head slightly to one side

Bring your chin down towards you chest and purse your lips

Look over the top of your glasses, while slowly shaking your head.

If you don't wear glasses, rolling your eyes and raising your eyebrows works well!*

Good advice Phoenix Combining all that with "Oh!" as described previously would be a good tactic!

I dont think you are letting her "get away with it" by doing as above ...instead you are giving her a clear message without the "satisfaction" of causing upset!

If she prides herself on plain speaking, then she shouldn't object to you speaking in the same way as her. I had a great aunt who always tried to rule the roost on everything and when I was a teenager I pulled her up on it and she never tried to tell me what to do again. She still did it though with weaker members of the family.

Same with the truly lovely mum of a dear friend of mine. A wonderful woman, a beautiful soul, started to develop a nasty side. It took the medics almost 2 years, but eventually she was diagnosed with dementia.

perhaps she is developing dementia, or has some mental health issues of her own?

"Front" not "from"!

You could try non verbal admonishing!

Practice this in from of the mirror:

Put your head slightly to one side

Bring your chin down towards you chest and purse your lips

Look over the top of your glasses, while slowly shaking your head.

If you don't wear glasses, rolling your eyes and raising your eyebrows works well!

Good luck, she sounds charming (NOT)

Urmstongran I think we had the same mum!

She said all those and more and was also lovely!

On Mumsnet one of the standard put downs suggested in cases like this is saying "Did you mean to be so rude" followed by a long hard stare. Put her on the spot for a change and see how she reacts.

I don't want to be an alarmist but I'd endorse what GagaJo said. My maternal grandmother had received a diagnosis of Alzheimer's disease shortly before she died. It had manifested very slowly over a number of years, and the first signs we saw of change were exactly as you describe in your MiL.

From being a plain speaker, Grandma became abrasive and rude. On one occasion, she introduced my sister and I to some acquaintances with the words, "these are my granddaughters. Aren't they fat?". It went downhill from there.

If MiL will listen to advice from anyone, it may be a good idea to encourage her to go for a check up.

thanks all - I don't live with her so don't have to see her too often - great advice - will try and ignore her, although I don't like the idea of her getting away with it which she has for a very long time!

My mum didn’t like draw ring for ‘drawing’
Nor 2 twins (she used to say how many did people think twins were?)
And ‘a bit of’ fluid (milk, custard) instead of ‘drop’ made her wince.

I could go on!

But she was a lovely lady and never nasty.

Yes, as has been said, don't react - she is doing this for her own amusement. So don't rise to the bait. How others deal with her is up to them. But if people see less of her she may get the message!

Ignore her, she's just looking for an audience.

I agree. Dont engage with this appalling behaviour - you could try laughing at her. My mother was like this ' called a spade a spade' but didn't like it given back to her and hated being laughed at.

I agree that the way to deal with this is to ignore, give bland one word answers and not to be drawn into an debate which may easily develop into an argument. Given that she feels her age gives her the right to say what she wants and her apparent love of upsetting those around her.

Limit your time with her, and if you do share a house with her just walk into another room and close the door.

I don't have any different advice to Madgran77 but just wanted to say that my mum would tell people off if they said draw ring for drawing.

Made me chuckle as I thought it was just her!

It's really tough having to live with someone like this. But madgran has given good advice. Accept it, say something simple back like "OK", and ignore it.

She may be doing it to provoke people, or because she has no other outlet for her anger at growing old and being in poor health, or just because she is a nasty person.

Don't let it upset you and laugh with your partner at how ridiculous she is.