Loving relationship with married adult DS?

I have a mil and I am a mil.
I have an ok ish relationship with my mil , I phone her for a chat weekly then pass the phone over to dh ( her son ) for her to tell him the exactly same as she has told me.
We don't live local ( 200+ miles) but when we do see her, it seems to fall to me to be the one who keeps conversations flowing with dh chipping it as and when.
With regard to being a mil, again we do not live close, and my sip has his own mother in the same town. Recently my daughter was at working and he was looking after their child when there was a mini medical emergency . It was quite nice ( not the emergency obviously) but I was the first person he phoned for advice.

First of all Yummisushi, a son should absolutely put his wife and family first. (as should a daughter with her spouse). I had a wonderful relationship with my son - same sense of humour - jokes that we just looked at each other to know we’d both had the same thought, and views about the world etc. etc. His (now ex-wife) took against me when I begged them not to make the mistake his father and I had made and marry too soon and find out he had married too young - he was 17, she 21 when they got engaged. I tried really hard to get along with her for the sake of not putting my son in an impossible position but was met with arrogance, rudeness and dismissal.
They moved to Scotland and I had very little contact with them after two very unhappy visits. I felt I did not know the person my son had become, but reasoned he was an adult and if he wanted to see me it was up to him and I could not blame his wife for keeping him away. Fast forward 17 years and the situation I warned them about came to pass. He met someone and realised just how unhappy he had been for at least five years, but had not the courage to tell his wife. He fully admitted he ought to have told his wife that he had met someone else, but she found out that they were meeting while walking their respective dogs (they did not have a sexual relationship until the split with spouses was inevitable).
How did I feel? Well, I was sorry for all the hurt and upset for both families and that my son had behaved badly, but underlying that I understood just how terrible it was to be in an unhappy marriage and I could not condemn him for wanting to leave the unhappiness, especially as I had seen how is wife was constantly putting him down in public.

The new lady in his life is kind and welcoming towards me, she treats him with love and respect, and the happy atmosphere in their family gatherings (they now have 7 children between them) is palpable. There is no tension between myself and the new family dynamic and I feel my son is back to the person he used to be. We don’t communicate regularly but have the feeling it doesn’t matter because the love is still there.

PS they conferred with each other and decided I needed more contact since I got more wobbly. I get a phone call each day and a twice weekly visit from them, besides urging me to ask for help if I need it. I do try to not be a nuisance and don't think i am.

My sons have been exceedingly kind and affectionate especially since I became more needy.

I have always, since they were small boys, hoped for, and encouraged , and expected my sons to become more and more independent of me and their father. In actual fact we do all share quite a few interests, and I quite like all their wives for different reasons, naturally, as they are different people.

I consider myself very lucky to have such a lot of friendly contact with my sons, and even with their wives. Cannot say the same about grandchildren!

He calls her periodically, at least once a month and often more than that, possibly as much as once a week at times. He has lengthy conversations with her. He comments on her Facebook posts.

I don't mind. She is lovely and has accepted me.

What do you mean by you don’t mind? Don’t mind what? That he only calls monthly and clicks the odd like button or that he never visits or calls weekly and sends her cards and flowers? Your DH neglects his mother so I don’t get what you ‘don’t mind’ about ax you say she’s nice.

Good post Monica and one I agree with the word unpossesive and I think this is how I got along so well with my late mother in law, we had no competition going on. My husband used to visit her together or he’d go on a Friday on his own to see her. I learned this behaviour and now have the same behaviour with my daughters partner and we get along and she rings me every day. The bit about packing packs and upset behind the scenes is true too, we encourage even though it is very sad for us but works in our favour in the end

I’m struggling with my two adult sons. One 30 and single and the other living in the US - he and his partner got married and she fell pregnant and 6 weeks later he FaceTimed on his birthday to tell us. That was two years ago and although I’ve embraced the entire family and whole situation I’m unsure if I’ll ever get over the hurt of not being told. D.I.L. has a charmed life (only child, two parents who are divorced and live close by, doesn’t work, and wants for nothing. Son is working two jobs to make ends meet but she seems to have all the control. This is not like him at all. I just keep my mouth closed and make the most of the times we have together. My son messages almost daily and FaceTimes each week. But to be honest, the suddenness of it all I feel bereft - I know I have to cut the cord/apron strings but it’s hard - but I’m trying!

I have been very lucky with my DiL. My son and her met when they were 16 and 14. She is like one of my own and keeps in contact regularly. They have been married 31 years.
I think making a fuss of in laws and making them feel special without intruding too much works wonders.

Although I live too far from them for regular contact, I feel close to both my sons. They phone me often and tell me bits of news about themselves and their families or just for a chat. DS1 also has political discussions with me on Whatsap. If I need them they will bend over backwards to be there for me. I am also on very friendly terms with their partners, even though one of them is now an ex-wife.

I only have one DiL and she’s absolutely wonderful. She has enriched my life.

My own MiL is 92. She’s always welcomed me into her home. She’s a very simple person, just interested in her home and family, nothing else. I adjust my conversation topics when speaking to her and we get along well. She looked after me well, for three weeks after my third child was born. I have absolutely no complaints about her, why would I have?

I suspect there are some unrealistic expectations of family relationships out there, Monica, which are bound to lead o disappointment.

I only have dds, but SiL has a very good relationship with his parents, and dd gets on fine with her lovely MiL, thank goodness.

The problem often seems to arise when DiL and MiL don't get on, and judging from some of the threads on MN, there do seem to be some DiLs who are determined to bristle and take offence at the slightest thing.

OTOH there are evidently some MiLs who really do push their luck - there was a horrendous thread the other day about a MiL who took it upon herself to chuck out a lot of 'clutter' - which consisted entirely of cherished items from her DiL's childhood - some of them irreplaceable. And then expected her 'only trying to help' apology to be accepted!

You read of others who try to insist on being present at the birth of a Gdc - FGS what is wrong with some of these MiLs?

GS My MiL was utterly unpossesive. If DH had decided to emigrate to Australia at 16, she would have packed his bag, seen him off at the airport with a smile and a wave and then gone home and wept in private.

As a result DH was close to both his parents. I loved my MiL from Day 1 and she completely accepted me from the start
(if she didn't, she hid it very well). I think the reason we have such a happy relationship with DS is because we are equally unpossesive.

I do think that there seems to be this strange belief that MiL's are a uniform set, arising out of nowhere when a man gets married. In fact they are individuals, with immensely varying backgrounds and life experiences - as are DiL and the relationship between the two is as individual as any relationship between two random people. I cannot not see how other people's relationships with their MiL can shed any light on any other unless MiL and DiL have exactly the same background, life experiences and their spouses are also the same - and how often does that happen?

Like Monica, I married an only child who was close to his parents. Young as I was, I recognised that it would only be a competition if I made it one, so I didn’t. His cousins gave us three years because they thought I would never cope with his mother but I chose to love and appreciate her, and 57 years on am glad that I did.7

Our own children communicate frequently as and when it fits in with their very busy professional and family lives, and I appreciate that. I reckon that proves we did a good job in launching independent adults.

A good and happy relationship with a married son has nothing to do with What weekly/daily/monthly things does your DS do that make you feel like you still have a son/close friend and not that you “lived your life” and now he has only one woman in his life that he can have a meaningful relationship with.

DS does nothing whatsoever on a daily/weekly/monthly basis. Never has, he is terminally disorganised. It probably helps that I totally and completely love my DDiL. I am amazed that such a lovely woman could love my son enough to commit herself to living with him and bearing their children.

They live 200 miles away, but between email, phone calls and Facebook, which are irregular but average about once a week. we keep in contact. There is a flurry at the moment, mainly with DiL as DH is away on business, because they are having a new kitchen is installed and we have also been having a domestic crisis. Emails and photos are flying across the internet. It will slow down next week when the work is done and our life is also back to normal..

In July we all spent a fortnight on holiday together at our holiday home in France, we had a wonderful time without any rows or disagreements. We will be off to them in early October for DS's birthday.

I never realised that people did have problems with married sons until I came on Gransnet, I loved my MiL. DH was an only child and his loving care for his parents was one of those things that made him attractive. My friends all had happy relations with their husbands family.

I think it helps that I have never been a needy clingy mother. From birth I welcomed every step my children took to independence, from sitting up unaided, to no longer needing babysitters to going off to university. I was never a weepy empty nester. I had my DH, a career, lots of outside iterests and far from clinging to my children, like a good mother bird I was busy pushing them out of the nest.

This battle is as old as time, lines have to be redrawn when any ac starts a new relationship. Loyalty must be with the partner and family. Having said that you can't force your husband to have a different kind of relationship with his mum. As long as you include her as you see fit I would leave it up to them to sort out the details. I wonder if your husband feels smothered by the demands of his mother and she is jealous of you? What is normal in one family would be odd in another, there's not one size fits all!

Anja
Yummi is the DiL. It’s her MiL who won’t let go (I think).

My son and DiL live just half an hour away and she is currently on maternity leave. They visit about once a week and each pop in separately too.

A few years ago he got into the habit of phoning for a chat while out with the dog or when walking home from work. 2 days ago he was pushing the pram around the park while DiL was having her hair done. Yesterday we had an hour-long discussion on politics while he was cooking!
They both send pic's or videos of the baby 2/3 times a week .

I can call on him for odd jobs if I can't do them myself.

His wife is lovely and I often tell him we're lucky to have her.

My DS is lovely. He is 39, father of two, but still makes time to remind me that he loves me. At least once a week I get a really heartfelt message from him, along the lines of how much he loves and appreciates me . He sends me flowers a few times a year for no good reason . Sometimes sends me a message saying that he has booked something like theatre tickets for me and DH to see something nice. He isn't "all over me" but I do know that he loves me and that makes me feel very nice !

Of course my son must put his wife and family before me. That’s how it should be.

Let go OP ....your son has the right to break free. If you can do that, genuinely, you will remain in his heart, only not in poll position.

At my daughter’s wedding, 18 years ago, I said to my son who was newly engaged, “When you get married, R. (fiancee) will be the most important person in your life”. He replied “Well, she is now!”. I felt a bit shocked, as up to then I had assumed that person was me! But straightaway realised that was absolutely how it should be.
Fast forward to now. DS has two lovely children as well as wife, obviously they are his priority, but I know DH and I are still very important to him. Am very fond of DIL, but when DS pops in on occasions on his own, it’s great to have a bit of time with him without all of them around, especially if he wants a chat about something.

Although I know our two sons love us they are both adults with families of their own and live far away - one on the other side of the world. We communicate as regularly as we can and see the eldest every couple of months. He has no relationship with his MIL as his wife has been estranged from her for years. The youngest's MIL sadly has dementia so although they see her their relationship has probably changed - she's a lovely lady and I know he thinks a lot about her.

My own husband had a great relationship with my mum - we've known each other since we were 15 and as I was an only child my parents thought of him as the son they never had. They only lived round the corner in later years so we saw them a lot and cared for them during the last years of their lives - in fact it was my husband who first spotted the signs of dementia before I did. I loved my in-laws too although we lived 60 miles away husband would ring them if we hadn't seen them for a few weeks just to catch up. As we were running a business with a family time was in short supply - something we realise with our own children. It's life - we raise them and should be happy that they're independent and no longer need us.

I'm not sure if your problem is about your mil or your husband wanting to communicate with his Mum through you.

I can tell you many, many mothers-in-law become jealous of the close relationship their son has with his partner and begin to feel left out.

Motherrs have a long history of all their child's attention being on them.
Their sons (and daughters) have relied on Mum to provide all their needs, solve their problems and often smooth paths and be the barriers between them and trouble.

It doesn't come easy to let go. But let go they must if they are to maintain any sort of positive relationship with their adult children.

Holding on, resenting the daughter-in-law (or sil) and trying to interfere does, as you know, endless harm and can ruin any good relationship.

But how do you persuade a jealous Mum-in-law that you are not a rival, that she doesn't need to fear you, or that you'll 'take him away', that the more she claws into him and criticises, the more he'll pull back?

If you have both told her, kindly and sympathetically that you understand that it's a kind of grief but that she hasn't actually lost him (but will if she doesn't stop) then she's been given her chance. If you haven't done this, consider doing so.

I have 2 sons and the relationships between me and the boys could not be more different.

No.1 son will not speak to me because years ago his long-term girlfriend was jealous of our close relationship. He cut contact with me and his brother because that was easier than battling with her rampant jealousies.

No.2 son is entirely different.
Given a similar scenario, would have told the girlfriend he was keeping contact with me and she could like it or lump it.

He contacts me several times a week by sending links to TED talks or videos he thinks will be of interest (currently it's about Artificial Intelligence and 3D printing of body parts!), rings regularly for long chats, usually as he's driving to and from work as it ensures privacy, and often comes here for a whole day.

He hugs me the moment he arrives and before he leaves; he never eats a meal without some remark of appreciation and always washes up afterwards (all this happens at home too, it's how he is).

He lives across the other side of the city but would drop everything if I needed him but even when I was rushed to hospital I didn't tell him, knowing this would happen and there was nothing he could do.
Once it was all sorted out, I phoned him .

I could not have a more thoughtful and interesting son. He's highly intelligent, interested in a myriad things, has a responsible job at the university and I've never met anyone who doesn't like him.

Yummysushi is such a cute name - we have a little shop in a nearby town with that name, makes the best sushi ever.
www.zomato.com/auckland/yummy-sushi-glen-eden

I don’t get the “I’m his mum not his wife” comment though. I don’t see how the two relationships should clash

That’s what I meant, that the relationships shouldn’t clash. It’s a completely different relationship, with a small overlap.
I never saw myself as supplanted by DiL, and I wouldn’t dream of trying to supplant her. More that children gradually become more physically and emotionally independent of their parents as they get older.
Having said that, I try to offer support to both of them as and when needed.
The hard bits for me were not when DS got married, but when he left home in the first place and later when he went to live in America and I knew he would never come back.

I've always had a close relationship with my son, although he was never been tied to my apron strings. He always came to me for advice, and could talk to me about anything, and everything. Now he's married, I don't expect that same level of closeness, as he has his wife for that, and quite rightly so. But it is nice that he calls me/skypes once or twice a week, for a general chat, and so that I can see my little GD (they live a long way from me). Sometimes, if he needs advice about something, he still calls his mum! I do also have a good relationship with my DiL, who is lovely. Our problems have been more with DiLs mother ... but we're working on that!