threatening son

Well said Bluebell. Well said indeed.

Can I recommend that you read this book? Mum, Can You Lend Me Twenty Quid? What Drugs Did to My Family
Book by Elizabeth Burton-Phillips
It is not easy reading, but it will show how keeping your son at home is enabling him to continue with his lifestyle and it is not until you withdraw your support, that he will be able to move on. I can see that this goes against all your parenting instincts, but in this instance it may be the only way.

Monday morning please please make it the day you ask for help please please don’t leave it a moment longer get professional help please

Lots of good advice here, so won't repeat.

Oh I truly feel for you- the hardest thing to do for a loving mum is to say 'NO' to a very unhappy and damaged child. Huge hugs and xxx. Be brave, be strong- you can't go on like this.

What a difficult situation for you. I would suggest you speak to your GP for your own mental health and ask some advice around support groups for yourself. This sometimes leads into groups which your Son may be able to access. The difficulty is that your son denies there is a problem. Marijuana can cause paranoia is susceptible people and usually people say they feel chilled out, happy and lethargic. The aggressive side to his nature may be something other than his smoking and needs to be addressed not just for your sake but his. You do need him to leave your home and if you do get the Police involved they may refer him to a specialist mental health team. You need to carefully consider all options. Good luck and be brave

Val, he is already badly lost.

There is hope though.

Have a think, get help, lay down your boundaries.

It is the most compassionate thing you can do.

Hi Val, what hell you are in,I feel so sad for you...
People keep saying he “has to go”, has to have “his own place” etc, but haven’t properly read your reply. You’ve tried that but, he gets into debt, doesn’t pay gas, water, electricity bills,so you paid his debts for him,at great expense.
If you didn’t,bailiffs are alerted, he’s chucked out, and comes back to mum, and round and round it goes.
Has anyone ever tried blocking the door to physically stop a 37 yr old from passing? One of my 6 sons is 37, he could overpower me in a flash, impossible to stop them.If they want to come in, believe me, THEY COME IN!!

So, moving on a step, looking after yourself emotionally, mentally (and physically) is VITAL right now.
PLEASE, go to your Dr, spell it all out.She may prescribe something to help reduce your anxiety. But Val, be honest with them, don’t let pride make you say “oh I’ll manage but.....” If they see you are at wits end,they are BOUND to help you!!
And, at that point,will give you proper guidance of next steps, which sounds like inpatient support .
Be strong Val, don’t let your deep ‘son-love’ exhaust you to inaction.
Sending strength and very very best wishes, to you.????????????????????????

Oh wow
The posts from the 4 readers above have upset me terribly as I do fear loosing him and I think they have confirmed what I possibly already know.
The sadness for the young man now in care and the fear that I feel about loosing him and I mean literally loosing my son in death such as the writer who lost their brother to this demon my heart goes out to you
I think this is the reason why I can’t just throw him out , he is my only son and I couldn’t bear loosing him but I am now thinking about my actions as it does look like I’m feeding his habit and not helping him really ??

Just looked up drug induced psychosis you have a very valid point here
My job is to get him to recognise this and get some help
I will absolutely try but honestly he will say I am the mad one but Iv always felt in my heart that this is the real problem
My heart aches for him ? but we are getting tired and weary of it all x

This made sound hard but as a person in recovery the best thing you can do is tell him to leave and make it happen. Make it clear once he stops using drugs he can come back but not until. He had no incentive to change and you are inadvertently supporting his habit. I also suggest you find a support group. There is always al-anon which whilst it helps support families of alcoholics will always help anyone whose families have addiction problems. Good luck. X

Val05, I have great sympathy for your plight because our natural reaction when our children are in trouble is to want to make it all better for them but I fear you are actually prolonging the agony. I speak from experience as my brother was an addict to alcohol and drugs which eventually killed him. My parents supported him but he only made real progress when he reached rock bottom and they had distanced themselves by making him stay at his own home. They did it lovingly but by doing this but by putting more distance between them in living arrangements, it meant they found the strength to help him better because when he was living at home, they were on a knife edge which put such strain on them.
In the end, no amount of rehab was able to save my brother but we know now that he is at peace. He was bi-polar using drugs and alcohol to self-medicate which is apparently more prevalent than you would know. It can be very hard to stand firm against a person you know is basically a good person but has succumbed to a mental illness and addiction but you can only continue to help them if you are not worn out. If they are determined to self-destruct, there is absolutely nothing you can do about it, you can only protect yourselves.

The last post sums it up I think. Marijuana can screw your brains - it happened to the son of a friend. Police had to be called plus a doctor- her son was sectioned and taken to hospital- later transferred to the care of social services. He is still in this situation- paranoid and unable to get a job although he has studied and got some qualifications. Marijuana is incredibly dangerous- in particular for vulnerable people. It is taken so lightly but it can ruin lives. It sounds as if you have reached the last resort - it will be painful but you must do something.

Loislovesstewie, I agree with you about the marijuana induced psychosis. I know it doesn't by any means affect every cannabis user but if there is an underlying tendency towards a mental health problem then cannabis can make it flare up. I have a relative whose daughter was affected very badly because of heavy cannabis use which tipped her over into schizophrenia. This was the opinion of her psychiatric consultant. I would urge the original poster to try really hard to get some professional intervention, hard as it is. Much love to you.

Really feel for you. It must be so hard to watch your son going down the wrong path. You could ask your GP to put you in touch with the “crisis team” in your area. I’m sure they would be able to help to point you in the right direction with someone to possibly help you in this very difficult situation. Sending you love and hugs. ?

Vak05, I have every sympathy for you and your plight. To have a son heading for 40 and a confirmed drug user is every parent's nightmare. And the first think to say is: It is not your fault. This a is a problem that hits even the most loving and caring families.

I was discussing drugs with my son at the weekend. He says the marijuana now available is 'skunk'. It is, he says, far stronger than the drug available when he was a student and can have severe mental effects, psychosis is common and long term brain damage. As a university lecturer he has first hand knowledge from the students he teaches and those whose tutor he is.

The next thing to say is that by the time your son reaches the age of 37, there is probably little you can do to help him, however much you love him and that the time has probably come to exercise some tough love. Do not let your love for him enable him to live in comfort and remain a drug addict.

The fact that he has started threatening violence is a major bells ringing, red lights flashing, warning sign that you must take action now to protect yourself.

Start by setting some house rules. Tell him that the next time he threatens you and abuses you you will call the police. and then do so. What he is indulging in is the crime of elder abuse.

There is currently little you can now do that will help him. What you must do is protect yourselves before you become another victim in the crime statistics.

When you tell your son to leave the house(if necessary with police support (and remember to change the locks)). He may well go down hill. But he is going to do that anyway whether he goes or stays. Hopefully, being made to stand on his own two feet will accelerate his decline to the point where he finally hits rock bottom and decides to seek help.

I am sorry for being so brutal. But however much you love your son, there is nothing you can do do for him that can help, bar evicting him from your home and withholding any support you want to give. He has reached an age and condition where anything you do is merely helping him to remain an addict.

Tough love and self protection must now guide your relationship with him.

Im sorry but marijuana is addictive. I know many people will not agree with that statement but it is. Unfortunately, this situation will not change if you keep giving into his demands and sadly, it will only get worse. I do hope you are not allowing him to smoke this in your home. If he is you need to tell him it is not acceptable. This is a situation where you need professional help, marijuana can be the gateway to other drug use. GP is your first stop, you may need to say to your son that if he refuses to get help he needs to find another place to live. I know this is hard but if you let him continue with these behaviours, the situation will get worse and your lives will be hell. The biggest difficulty you have, is he needs to face up to being an addict and having a problem. I know many here wont agree with me, but this is the best I can offer. Good luck whatever you decide to do.

Cannabis invariably leads to harder drugs.
Did he have bi-polar first ? Or has his drug-taking caused a bi-polar-type illness.
Schizophrenics are/can be violent without prescribed medication. ( Personality issues )

My impression is that (because he IS your son) you are 'excusing' this behaviour as a result of the hash. His drugs are his business (but not while in your property). BUT his behaviour is not tolerable. You and DH need to agree that you exclude him from your property when behaviour unacceptable. - Sorry this is firm but you have to think of yourselves and your future.

I must admit, I've never known marijuana affect them the way your son is affected. It does sound much more likely that if he is bipolar that this could be the cause of his behaviour. Or could he be using stronger recreational drugs that you don't know about?
Obviously there is treatment for bipolar, if only you can get him to see a doctor.
You really do have a lot on your plate, I hope you find a solution somehow.

Hi Val05

I am so sorry that this is happening to you and your family. I had to reply because your story was so similar to my own.

My son too changed his whole character whilst smoking cannabis. He went from a loving, caring and unassuming chap to someone who was unrecognisable. Anger was a big issue where it really didn't exist before.

I can sit here and type an essay, no a book, on the incidents and events that happened during this time. It eventually took a toll on my own mental health as I felt, as I suspect that you are feeling right now, very helpless.

The things that we did that were positive (and believe me, there were a lot of things we did that turned out to me negative). Firstly, we found him accommodation in a Christian run lodge. They were able to give my son, when he was ready to, help with his addiction(s). He would listen to them when he wouldn't listen to "Mum and Dad" even if it was the same advice. It helped. It also meant that him leaving home was much more controlled that just throwing him out. I also knew he was safe.
Secondly, my husband and myself attended a group for people who had an addict in their lives. I understand the embarrassment you may have in telling friends and family but this group are set up so that you can express your feelings. We found it very supportive.
Thirdly, when my son had moved out, we met him on neutral ground. So we were always in contact, even though a great many of well-meaning friends told us to just "cut him off". Like you, I never could. I still loved my son no matter what. If you meet on neutral ground, there is less opportunity for raised voices/anger etc. Also, in my son's case, when he was at home, he would use the opportunity to steal what he could to fund his habit. I found that never giving him money too was to best thing. I was happy to order him a supermarket shop but money would only ever be spent on one thing.

Long story short, over many years, we had times when he appeared to be cured on his addiction but would always return BUT he did do it in the end. For the last 5 years, my son has returned to his old self. Now his only addiction is gardening. He is getting married soon and now, my relationship with him is very normal. For a long time, I was extremely careful in what I said to him and felt as though I was tip-toeing around him but now it's just like a normal Mum/son relationship. Sure we have our ups and downs but by and large it's really good.

So, I understand this place you are in at the moment Val05. I wish you weren't there but there is help and support and most of all hope.

I wish you well. Take care.

Awful awful situation my heart goes out to you n your husband I think I would go to the drs myself and ask about drug support groups what is available, I bet a pound to a penny he wouldn’t go, you desperately need help as well as he does, also look online for drug support groups and start there

I’m no expert but my instinct on this situation is that your son has some degree of emotional or psychological problem and that the drug use is self medication. He needs to get to the bottom of what troubling him. ( you may have some ideas on that ) but understanding sauce you must get help as this is unacceptable behaviour.

If he has his own flat, part of his Universal Credit will be paying for at least part, if not all of his rent. If he is not living in the flat, he will not be entitled to that part of UC and will only be entitled to his personal allowance.
At 37 he really is responsible for himself, supposedly but the fact that he has lost his job as well as relationship will not be helping with his mental state and whoever said that marijuana does not affect people psychologically really has no idea of what they are talking about!
I have seen so many people start on this stuff before moving on to other drugs as after a while the marijuana no longer gives them the feeling they expect, so move on to something else that does.
You need to seek help and support for yourself and your husband first of all from Talk to Frank an NHS support system or AdFam. They should give you the advice and support for you all.

jishere exactly cannabis if itself can be ok but heavy use or use by someone already bordering on mental health problems can tip them over
I don’t think you should throw him out but you clearly need help and support immediately Do not feel worried about stigma this can happen in any family from the highest to the the lowest This will not be an unusual problem it will be something that’s been heard a million times before
FORGET stigma FORGET shame seek professional help first thing Monday morning and share this burden with someone who knows how to help you

I’m in the same boat but my son also does coke now. I find he is calm and hungry when he has weed, angry when he doesn’t have any but when he is on a ‘come down’ from coke he is horrendous...doesn’t eat or sleep for a couple of days and is unbearably nasty and violent. Unfortunately until a person can see what they are doing to themselves they cannot change, we have had a lightbulb moment a couple of weeks ago and had 4 days drug free but fell off the wagon spectacularly last night (now regretting it) so hopefully my son has turned a corner and yours will too some day xx