Gransnet forums

Ask a gran

threatening son

(90 Posts)
Val05 Fri 04-Oct-19 23:35:21

Hi there
I am new to Gransnet and I am a grandmother. I am also a Mother to a son aged 37 who I believe smokes marijuana. He has very aggressive behaviour and has begun to threaten my husband and I, he is verbally abusive and tries to control us. He lives with us at the moment but we are all feeling very fed up with his behaviours, he is load and shouts and swears and god knows what my neighbours think. At times when things are really bad we ask him to leave, no we tell him to leave, but because we have never forced the issue he just doesn't go. As his mother I am also scared that if we force him to go he will deteriorate and Im scared of the drug abuse and honestly love him with all my heart. I have offered for him to go into re-hab but he doesn't feel he is as bad as he is. I am sure the marijuana is affecting his mental health but also ours. I cannot see a way out. I know many of you will say stand up to him and throw him out, but if we do the situation becomes explosive and the only way out would be to call the police. I worry about him constantly but feel I cannot help him as he cannot help himself. There are times when I see the son I used to have, my love doesn't stop for him but I have to think of the rest of us here life is pretty sad and upsetting at times.
Thank you for listening to me, I think I have needed to off load this. I will listen to all replies and try to act on those that I feel may work for what once was a very loving family.

grannyactivist Fri 04-Oct-19 23:49:26

I'm too tired to offer much constructive advice just now, but this is a situation that I'm very familiar with professionally and my approach to families in your situation is to encourage them to seek help and support for themselves. Sometimes this is acts as a wake up call to the person who is saying they don't have a problem, but at the very least there will be people who can stand alongside and support you as you navigate your way through the difficulties.

flowers for you - because it's flipping heartbreaking to watch isn't it?

mumofmadboys Fri 04-Oct-19 23:49:59

Your son does not need to go to rehab if the only drug he uses is marijuana. It does not make you physically dependent . There may be some psychological dependency. Does he work? You need to sit down with your son and husband and you and DH need to tell him this situation cannot go on as it is affecting your mental health and your relationship maybe. Say you will review things in a month's time but if things don't improve he will need to move out. Tell him how much you love him. Maybe speak to your local drug and alcohol team and access some support for you and DH. I wish you well but do use GNet to share your problem

mumofmadboys Fri 04-Oct-19 23:50:43

Crossed posts!

Namsnanny Fri 04-Oct-19 23:53:02

Val105…….I'm so sorry, this situation is so horrible for you all.
I don't actually have any experience of this type of situation, but maybe there is a support group for families or parents of adult children in your sons position?
I'm sure they could give you the benefit of their experience.

The only thing I can think of that isn't really a very good answer and can only help for a while, is to ask if you could afford to pay for him to lodge somewhere else?

Clearly that's not a long term solution or even a good one for him.
But I'm thinking of you and your husbands well being!.

Do google support groups to find out more info. Or perhaps talk to your GP?

I hope others can offer some help
Good Luck shamrock

Val05 Fri 04-Oct-19 23:56:01

Thank you for your post - not sure who DH is?
I do believe that my son has so psychological issues and we have sat down and spoke with him about his behaviour and how it is affecting us, he stops for a while but then it always carries on. Lately it is happening more often that I care to count. I think it may be more than Marijuana but I cannot clarify this as gospel. We are tired of this behaviour but afraid to let him go as I fear loosing him as his behaviour has deteriorated and I don't want anything to happen to him. I love him very much.

Val05 Sat 05-Oct-19 00:02:38

Thank you for your post, your time would be greatly appreciated once you have slept well x
My son doesn't feel there is an issue and I have been blunt when telling him that I think he needs to seek medical help as his behaviour is not right, and that me and dad are getting on now and just don't need this? It is heartbreaking to watch but any suggestions I make are met with a blank, as he knows everything and I am the ridiculous one.
Not sur show long we can carry on like this, my husband and I often leave our own home to get away from his outbursts. I wish I could help and be stronger and throw him out but if anything happened to him I could never forgive myself.

Sussexborn Sat 05-Oct-19 00:36:38

Is there a way you could film or record his behaviour so that he can actually see/hear just how awful his behaviour is. I think you need to check out what support is available from your GP and local council. Their websites may be a starting point.

You can’t waste the rest of your life living with this behaviour.

Val05 Sat 05-Oct-19 00:45:27

That is a very good idea however I would need to find a device that he would not know about
we are realising that cannot carry on like this but I am unsure if my GP would even speak to me about him due to GDPR..
I don't want to waste any more of our lives which at times is extremely stressful and we are exhausted with it all and often retreat to our rooms to get away from it all or leave the house altogether, I just want it to end and I want him to have a fruitful life thank you for your post

Namsnanny Sat 05-Oct-19 01:04:29

Val05…..Have you looked up any support groups?
Unfortunately this wont just end.
He is in denial about his addiction and the effects on him self and you and your husband.

You really need to speak to other people in your position to give you as much support and info as you can get.


Sussexborn Sat 05-Oct-19 01:37:08

Your GP would have to respect your son’s privacy but it wouldn’t be invaded if you just ask what options are available. I know locally there is an addiction centre where people can go daily for support. There is also support for families. Not something a lot of people would necessarily be aware of so it’s up to you to make enquiries. Perhaps you can use the computers in your library if you need to do this secretly. It really is crazy that you’re unable to take back control of your own lives. I hope you can find the strength you need to get your life and your sons back on track.

BradfordLass72 Sat 05-Oct-19 03:46:13

Poor you, how difficult and painful this is for you and shocking to think you have to leave your home or retreat to your rooms. I am so sorry you're going through this.

I fear it might have to come to Tough Love - getting help and support from experts in handling people with drug problems, who will assist your son out of your house and possibly into his own place or rehab.

He won't do it, that's obvious, so you will have to - for his sake as well as yours. own.
Speak to your local Mental Health Team or anyone who offers help for those with drug problems. Your son is one of thousands, so there will be agencies to help you.

If you really want to help him, this is the 'grasping the nettle' bit but some stings are bound to happen; it'll hurt but in the long run, it can only help you all.
You can't go on like this, can you? flowers

mumofmadboys Sat 05-Oct-19 06:23:01

DH stands for dear husband and is widely used on gransnet.
Is your son working at all?

BlueBelle Sat 05-Oct-19 07:09:03

Welcome Val
First of all I can totally understand how you deeply love your son and can see the dangers of what will happen to him if you throw him out but you also can’t live like this I think you and your husband need professional help to sort this muddle out

If he hasn’t always been like this then something has changed him Does he work? Or has he lost all his self confidence because he doesn’t have a job or is he working in a job that isn’t fulfilling him and making him unhappy and angry. Does he have a relationship or could that be part of the problem I am really thinking he may be telling you he takes cannabis but his behaviour sounds much more like he could be addicted to cocaine, Crystal meths or something heavy or could he be on steroids, does he go to the gym regularly? Steroids can make people very aggressive

You don’t give any details of why your son of 37 is still living at home? But I m sure this must be part of the problem he must feel very out of control and emasculated having no home of his own and having to rely on elderly parents
I don’t agree with throwing him out I think you need to get help though, as this can’t go on for any of you
Although a doctor won’t help your son if you make an appointment for yourselves he can help you and your husband and point you to professionals who can

If he hasn’t always been an angry aggressive chap (which could point to a undiagnosed) mental health condition then there is a reason which is most likely linked to hard drugs, or lack of fulfilment in job, home, or relationship

Get help Val and come back on here for support x

sodapop Sat 05-Oct-19 07:42:08

I understand your concerns for your son Val05 but we are talking here about a man of 37 not a teenager. You are entitled to live in your home without feeling threatened and distressed, I too think you should get support from others in the same situation. Then it's time to tell your son he needs to get help within a reasonable time frame say 1 month otherwise he needs to look elsewhere for accommodation and you will help him with this. At present you are enabling his addiction and behaviour at the expense of your own health and happiness. I wish you well and hope you find the strength to deal with this.

Val05 Sat 05-Oct-19 07:48:51

Thank you for your post
My son is living with me but he does have his own rented flat, he is unemployed at the moment and cannot afford to live there, or can he?others cope on Universal Credits??
I only see him smoking cannabis but maybe it is more than this because he never has any money.
He lost his job last year and his long term relationship failed around two years ago but to be honest he has always been hot headed. I allow him to stay at my house because he doe snot eat and has lost a copious amount of weight and I fear for his health.
I don't know how to help him but be there for him and provide him with clean clothes and food and shelter. but life here for us is bearing us down and we are very unhappy.
But as a mother I also need to know he is OK and that he can eat here if that makes sense.
I would like to find out where there are support groups for this kind of thing but it is so personal I am always afraid that I may know some one there? and I am embarrassed about the whole situation.
my neighbours must feel we are the neighbours from hell as he is always shouting and swearing.
I am a total loss with this but fear that if it continues some one will eventually get hurt. He is very controlling and demanding. Last night he came home and we had not cooked and went into a crazy shouting frenzy because there was not a cooked meal for him. My freezer always has menial items in it for a quick dinner (sausages/chips/pies etc) just for him but I have decided if I am not cooking then he can cook for himself which he does do but this is just an example of him kicking off and calling us terrible names etc.

Val05 Sat 05-Oct-19 07:57:44

thank you all for your posts and yes I will look for some kind of support networks for this.
Yes he is in denial and life in itself is not good for him at the moment.
I agree that I am possibly enabling his addiction but I'm so very scared that if I don't feed him etc that something may happen to him. I have no idea who his friends are or where he goes, I do know that he has lost a lot of weight this last year and that he smokes marijuana. I have asked him about cocaine he says that he has used this in the past ( is that now too) I wish I could do more and feel that I should do more but do not know what this could be. I have offered for him to go into rehab but he thinks I am crazy to ask this.
Yes he is definitely in denial.
My DH and my life along with my other children is extremely difficult and sad.
We also cannot invite him to family holidays or events because he always kicks off, surely this behaviour is not right?
I wish some one could help him but he is not open to help as according to hime he has no problem and we are all mad. he is a bully and he is bullying us, it is so upsetting for us all.

Val05 Sat 05-Oct-19 08:03:21

I also think he is bipolar but there is not one thing I can do about this.
He will not see a doctor and just shrugs my concerns off
He blows hot and cold
He uses disgusting language
He threatens us
He won't listen to us
He will not listen to reason
he bullies us
He spoils every family occasions
He pushes us about
He verbally abuses us
He denies he is on hard drugs
he will open the doors so that our neighbours hear all this
Yet I love him very much and just want help for hime but I cannot do this for him.
He has lost all of his friends over the years
He was the same in his last long term relationship
he is so hard to live with but as another I am scared what may happen to him if I throw him out.

Rant overt - thank you

mumofmadboys Sat 05-Oct-19 08:20:03

Can you get him back to his own flat? How far away is it? Could you then visit say once a week with a food parcel? Once he has left you must never let him back to live with you again.

Drum1234 Sat 05-Oct-19 08:36:21

You are a loving, kind, caring mother doing everything possible to help and support your son. You need to find help, support and advice for yourself and your husband so you can continue to be there for your son. He is an adult, and can take responsibility for his life but isn't doing so at the moment. It doesn't mean that this situation will go on forever. But do find out about your local addiction help groups and go along with the knowledge that you are doing so because you love him and want to help him become the adult he can be. That's nothing to be embarrassed about.

Val05 Sat 05-Oct-19 08:36:34

mumofmadboys thank you once again for your input
He did return home for a while but never had the money to pay his bills and got into a lot of debt which we can not afford to pay all over again.
We have paid time and time before because of the fear that if he looses his flat then we will have him here forever.

Val05 Sat 05-Oct-19 08:39:42

Thank you for your kind words, actual Brough tears to my eyes hearing such words about me!
Yes I will search for local addiction support groups your words were very thoughtful.
When I read over my many replies it feels that I am making excuses for him but Im just trying to keep him safe which appears to be my ultimate reason for carrying on right now.

BlueBelle Sat 05-Oct-19 08:42:23

Oh Val what a catalogue if I can just offer you some thoughts
The one thing you haven’t answered is has he always been temperamental or has this temper and poor behaviour happened more recently, for instance since his relationship break up or was the break up because of his behaviour?

He has his own flat which he still has so who s paying for this flat and why isn’t he in it? You say he never has any money this and his aggression and weight loss all point I m afraid to hard drugs addiction
Have you allowed him to smoke cannabis in YOUR house? That would be a complete no no for me The fact he has admitted using cocaine in the past really points to the fact he is a drug addict and not a social cannabis smoker
Do you live in a small town or village as you say you would be recognised Can you go to the nearest town there are drug abuse charities in every town that normally will help families as well as the person themself
This cannot go on it has to change and he is not going to initiate any changes, you ve said very little about your husband or other family members in this, so it sounds as if it’s down to you
Google drug abuse help in your area and ring on Monday you NEED professional help NOW this cannot go on Val before you are all destroyed

TwiceAsNice Sat 05-Oct-19 08:43:37

Who is paying the rent and bills on the flat? Someone must be and if that is you then he might as well go back to live there and give you some peace. Addicts don’t change and that’s what he is. It also sounds as if he has always had a temper and difficult personality and the drugs make it worse. Did he lose his job because his behaviour was inappropriate for the workplace? Ditto his relationship because she wouldn’t put up with him? Then it is not just you. Can other family talk to him also?
Not sure what the answer is but you can’t go on like this. What happens if he becomes violent?

Loislovesstewie Sat 05-Oct-19 08:46:39

I have met quite a few people who have drug induced psychosis, and it is caused by smoking marijuana . I've also met people with drug induced psychosis and anorexia . ( I mean met professionally) Clearly I don't know if he has got to that stage but I really do think he needs to be persuaded to consult a doctor. I would suggest that the next time he pushes you about you call the police . I know that would be very hard to do but I feel you must think of your own safety.