threatening son

The trouble with cannabis it can trigger mental health issues even if he stopped tomorrow and got cleaned he could still have these same issues.

Surely you can only do so much before you start putting yourself first.

As long as you are supporting this man he will not take responsibility for himself.

A familiar situation in my family, my son is 52 and smoked a lot of weed at university which appears to have destabilised his mental health. He has never held down a job. His marriage failed quickly and he lost access to his child because his son did not want to see him. He rejected his sister when she tried to help. However he now lives in a small flat near me and lives on benefits because he has been assessed as unable to work. He is managing his life competently with a degree of independance. It is not the life I envisiged for him but I am hopeful that he is content.

I really think that you need to relinquish responsibility for his actions back to him. He is quite capable of looking after himself. At the moment it does seem as if you are facilitating his behaviour. It's down to him, not yet, to make changes.

Unless there's a drastic change here I can only see a downward spiral beyond anyone's control.

If that was me I'd wait until his next outburst and threats then phone the police ! Hard, I know but if he gets "whisked away" to a night in the cells there's a possibility of him getting help from there.

It sounds to me as if there is far more than smoking weed going on.

Typos would not correct today ???

val My heart is sore for you. You have had some good advice. I will add - if the neighbours can hear he arguments then the problem will be known. If you go to support groups and are recognised it will be by people who understand, are going through the same and will be your allies. If this continues, one of your neighbours may call the police in fear for you so perhaps I would be better for you to take that into consideration and have a plan. Could your son go to his own flat (police would help as this is domestic abuse?) and you take food twice a week and do his laundry on the understanding that he stays away for your home. Could you meet him somewhere neutral? You definitely need outside support but come here to off load for your own sak and for wise words and kindness. ? for you.

Dear Val I am sorry that you have to deal with this heartbreaking situation.

Adfam is an organisation that supports families and they have forums which may also be helpful to you because all the posters have had similar problems. Here is the link:

adfam.org.uk/help-for-families/finding-support/forum

Contact your local drug and alcohol services, you need help and that means setting aside fear of stigma or knowing someone. You are bound to find more support and help there than judgment.

Best wishes in your quest to find a way out

He is an adult and has his own home. However in your desire to help him he has become dependent on you. He is able to act as a teenager and not deal with the consequences of his actions. Seems to me that it's time he moved back into his own home and took responsibility for his life. When things are calm perhaps you could discuss with him when he intends to get more on.

sent you pm

Up until his early twenties he was a pilar of a son vey thoughtful loving and caring.
I suspect I cannot accept that this is hard drugs and no
I will not allow him to smoke cannabis in my house
Although I have known him to smoke it in the garden as I have come home and smelt it (he denies this) but I am not stupid.
I don't know where it went wrong but it did and yes omitting is causing this........
he does have a very difficult personality and it is becoming abusive I know I have to act here and I will.....
Other family members have had enough but we all feel we need to keep an eye on him (which means at my house at the moment) My DH feels the same and he continues to treat him like nothing and his behaviour can feel very controlling.
The loud outbursts are awful and the threats are incredibly defeating.
to stick up for ourselves and retaliate only makes things worse.
I have googled support support group but slightly afraid of being recognised in my local area as I feel so ashamed about the whole situation.
Do I let him destroy everything
Do I support him even if I know his behaviour is wrong there really is no medico and no reasoning with him no matter what.
I so want to help him id love my old son back and just some times but very rarely I see some of that - how can that be??? what happens on those rare occasions???

OP, I suggest you demand a home visit from a GP ASAP and contact your local MH crisis team.

Just a point if he is bi polar he still needs professional medical help and as soon as possible Ifs he’s bi polar and a drug addict you have a hard road ahead but nothing can be worse than what you are living through
I totally understand why you don’t kick him out
?

Sorry to OP who is going through this.

mumofmadboys....are you a drugs counsellor? I should be very careful making those assertions.

Research shows that 10% of regular cannabis users become dependent on it. Your risk of getting addicted is higher if you start using it in your teens or use it every day

From an NHS website.

I have met quite a few people who have drug induced psychosis, and it is caused by smoking marijuana . I've also met people with drug induced psychosis and anorexia . ( I mean met professionally) Clearly I don't know if he has got to that stage but I really do think he needs to be persuaded to consult a doctor. I would suggest that the next time he pushes you about you call the police . I know that would be very hard to do but I feel you must think of your own safety.

Who is paying the rent and bills on the flat? Someone must be and if that is you then he might as well go back to live there and give you some peace. Addicts don’t change and that’s what he is. It also sounds as if he has always had a temper and difficult personality and the drugs make it worse. Did he lose his job because his behaviour was inappropriate for the workplace? Ditto his relationship because she wouldn’t put up with him? Then it is not just you. Can other family talk to him also?
Not sure what the answer is but you can’t go on like this. What happens if he becomes violent?

Oh Val what a catalogue if I can just offer you some thoughts
The one thing you haven’t answered is has he always been temperamental or has this temper and poor behaviour happened more recently, for instance since his relationship break up or was the break up because of his behaviour?

He has his own flat which he still has so who s paying for this flat and why isn’t he in it? You say he never has any money this and his aggression and weight loss all point I m afraid to hard drugs addiction
Have you allowed him to smoke cannabis in YOUR house? That would be a complete no no for me The fact he has admitted using cocaine in the past really points to the fact he is a drug addict and not a social cannabis smoker
Do you live in a small town or village as you say you would be recognised Can you go to the nearest town there are drug abuse charities in every town that normally will help families as well as the person themself
This cannot go on it has to change and he is not going to initiate any changes, you ve said very little about your husband or other family members in this, so it sounds as if it’s down to you
Google drug abuse help in your area and ring on Monday you NEED professional help NOW this cannot go on Val before you are all destroyed

Drum1234
Thank you for your kind words, actual Brough tears to my eyes hearing such words about me!
Yes I will search for local addiction support groups your words were very thoughtful.
When I read over my many replies it feels that I am making excuses for him but Im just trying to keep him safe which appears to be my ultimate reason for carrying on right now.
x

mumofmadboys thank you once again for your input
He did return home for a while but never had the money to pay his bills and got into a lot of debt which we can not afford to pay all over again.
We have paid time and time before because of the fear that if he looses his flat then we will have him here forever.

You are a loving, kind, caring mother doing everything possible to help and support your son. You need to find help, support and advice for yourself and your husband so you can continue to be there for your son. He is an adult, and can take responsibility for his life but isn't doing so at the moment. It doesn't mean that this situation will go on forever. But do find out about your local addiction help groups and go along with the knowledge that you are doing so because you love him and want to help him become the adult he can be. That's nothing to be embarrassed about.

Can you get him back to his own flat? How far away is it? Could you then visit say once a week with a food parcel? Once he has left you must never let him back to live with you again.

I also think he is bipolar but there is not one thing I can do about this.
He will not see a doctor and just shrugs my concerns off
He blows hot and cold
He uses disgusting language
He threatens us
He won't listen to us
He will not listen to reason
he bullies us
He spoils every family occasions
He pushes us about
He verbally abuses us
He denies he is on hard drugs
he will open the doors so that our neighbours hear all this
Yet I love him very much and just want help for hime but I cannot do this for him.
He has lost all of his friends over the years
He was the same in his last long term relationship
he is so hard to live with but as another I am scared what may happen to him if I throw him out.

Rant overt - thank you

thank you all for your posts and yes I will look for some kind of support networks for this.
Yes he is in denial and life in itself is not good for him at the moment.
I agree that I am possibly enabling his addiction but I'm so very scared that if I don't feed him etc that something may happen to him. I have no idea who his friends are or where he goes, I do know that he has lost a lot of weight this last year and that he smokes marijuana. I have asked him about cocaine he says that he has used this in the past ( is that now too) I wish I could do more and feel that I should do more but do not know what this could be. I have offered for him to go into rehab but he thinks I am crazy to ask this.
Yes he is definitely in denial.
My DH and my life along with my other children is extremely difficult and sad.
We also cannot invite him to family holidays or events because he always kicks off, surely this behaviour is not right?
I wish some one could help him but he is not open to help as according to hime he has no problem and we are all mad. he is a bully and he is bullying us, it is so upsetting for us all.

Bluebell
Thank you for your post
My son is living with me but he does have his own rented flat, he is unemployed at the moment and cannot afford to live there, or can he?others cope on Universal Credits??
I only see him smoking cannabis but maybe it is more than this because he never has any money.
He lost his job last year and his long term relationship failed around two years ago but to be honest he has always been hot headed. I allow him to stay at my house because he doe snot eat and has lost a copious amount of weight and I fear for his health.
I don't know how to help him but be there for him and provide him with clean clothes and food and shelter. but life here for us is bearing us down and we are very unhappy.
But as a mother I also need to know he is OK and that he can eat here if that makes sense.
I would like to find out where there are support groups for this kind of thing but it is so personal I am always afraid that I may know some one there? and I am embarrassed about the whole situation.
my neighbours must feel we are the neighbours from hell as he is always shouting and swearing.
I am a total loss with this but fear that if it continues some one will eventually get hurt. He is very controlling and demanding. Last night he came home and we had not cooked and went into a crazy shouting frenzy because there was not a cooked meal for him. My freezer always has menial items in it for a quick dinner (sausages/chips/pies etc) just for him but I have decided if I am not cooking then he can cook for himself which he does do but this is just an example of him kicking off and calling us terrible names etc.