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Grandson's birthday

(26 Posts)
G00denough Sat 26-Oct-19 15:49:10

Our GS is 3 tomorrow. I feel unbearably sad that our son seems to be holding back on how this day is to be celebrated. And we are not part of it.
We believe we are loved and loving grandparents. We have our GS and GD (15m) two days a week; collecting and delivering. We cover all the costs of car seats, cots, toys etc etc. Until I had grandchildren I did not know I would fall in love again.
There have been some terrible ruptures between ourselves and our son and wife over their expectations of childcare. At present we are all treading very carefully.
We asked what presents to buy and what the plans for the birthday were. They couldn't think of any presents and were going away for the birthday weekend.
We meet our son for lunch - he has no time to see us at the weekends. At lunch I raised the away weekend coming up and learnt he had got the dates wrong and they had been away already. I described what we had bought to give his son on Monday. A brief pause and no more was said.
I know the intensity of my feelings are out of proportion to not knowing. However I wonder how many grandparents actively involved in the care of their grandchildren would know nothing of the parent's plans. I'm disappointed our son can't say you are not included. We have been included in previous birthdays.

Sara65 Sat 26-Oct-19 16:06:42

If all sounds very tense. I would say no more, let them make the next move on the subject.

I do know how you feel though, due to circumstances, we have never been involved in some of our grandchildren’s birthdays, we just do something another weekend, a special birthday treat with our side of the family. Nothing bitchy or awkward about it, it is what it is .

Gonegirl Sat 26-Oct-19 16:07:24

Can't you celebrate the birthday at your house on the next day you look after them? Get a birthday cake and some junk food. Have a party.

Can't see the problem.

wildswan16 Sat 26-Oct-19 16:09:38

Maybe you need to remember that these are not your children. They have parents. It is good that you can help out with childcare (and we all know how hard that can be), but you do not have to be involved with every aspect of your grandchildren's lives.

Maybe the parents just want to do their own thing, have quality time with their children. You can love them without being included on every occasion.

Your son sounds like he is trying to get you to understand that. Just enjoy them while you are caring for them, and step back a little bit at other times.

Norah Sat 26-Oct-19 16:16:27

Wildswan16 said it to the best. Not your children, not your party. That's normal, DS wants his own life.

BlueBelle Sat 26-Oct-19 16:21:49

I think a lot of grandmums perhaps more than granddads do have to be more relaxed about what they are and aren’t involved in You see this as a rebuff as you do childcare for them, but maybe your expectations are higher than they should be
If your son is a hard worker in the week it’s only to be expected that he wants the weekends with his family unit and not having lunch with you I wouldn’t dream of impinging on my children’s family time ever, I am there to be called on as needed and luckily often involved in nice times too but that’s a bonus not an expectation
there have been some terrible ruptures (maybe ructions) between ourselves and our son and his wife well perhaps that’s what’s brought about a more cooler approach perhaps your son finds it all a bit too intense
Step back from your expectations then when and if you get an invite you will feel very blessed and happy

Perhaps you're trying too hard and expecting too much Take it as it comes and enjoy what ever you are given none of us have a God given right to our adults children’s lives or time

FlexibleFriend Sat 26-Oct-19 16:27:36

Not enough info to give an informed opinion. What are their expectations of childcare that have caused ructions? Why are you treading very carefully? Why do you need to know the parents plans?

Eglantine21 Sat 26-Oct-19 17:33:16

If he’s 3 I expect it’s a kids party with a load of little friends, not a family party with grans and grandads.

Some people do two parties, a children’s one and a family one but I think that’s over the top personally. Probably the next party you get invited to will be his eighteenth - and maybe not then!🍷🍻🍷🍻🍷🍻🍹🤮😱

He’s moving on, I’m afraid.

Perhaps they’re avoiding talking to you because they know it’ll be a tricky conversation.

G00denough Sat 26-Oct-19 17:47:14

I am really grateful for these responses as I needed my thinking to be challenged. Still feel sad and trapped but will stand back, breathe deeply and enjoy the party we will have with children.

Gonegirl Sat 26-Oct-19 17:51:32

I went to one of my GS's birthday parties once, in a church hall.

It was horrific.

Gonegirl Sat 26-Oct-19 17:52:25

I had to wear a cowboy hat. A pink sparkly one. Was awful.

Sara65 Sat 26-Oct-19 17:56:58

Oh Gonegirl
How did you bear it?

I have to agree, be careful what you wish for, they always end in tears anyway.

Eglantine21 Sat 26-Oct-19 17:59:16

Now I’m muddled. You’re going to see him on his birthday? With cake? That’s a party 🎂

TerriBull Sat 26-Oct-19 18:04:29

Having done full on parties for our own children, so glad that's all behind us know. We generally see our gc around their birthdays, not always on the actual day, I always make a cake and we have a celebration, albeit belated. Quite happy not to go to the bunfight with classmates etc., let the parents get on with it, quite honestly these occasions are often bloody awful.

TerriBull Sat 26-Oct-19 18:05:04

know now

Gonegirl Sat 26-Oct-19 18:06:34

Eglantine I think the OP is having a little party to themselves on the day they get to look after him

With cake, I trust.

Eglantine21 Sat 26-Oct-19 18:14:58

Oh I see. Thanks.🎉

That would probably be enough for me.......

G00denough Sat 26-Oct-19 18:15:16

That's right Gonegirl, baking tomorrow! And this can be the start of a our tradition with them.

Eglantine21 Sat 26-Oct-19 18:15:36

I wouldn’t mind the pink sparkly hat though....

Gonegirl Sat 26-Oct-19 18:27:47


Went to Oxfam at earliest opportunity. (although it was quite pretty)

Gonegirl Sat 26-Oct-19 18:29:46

Don't forget the cheesy wotsits, the crisps, the party rings. And a nice Co-op trifle.

Oops, was thinking it was my party. #wishitwas

Gonegirl Sat 26-Oct-19 18:31:04

Enjoy it G00denough. Especially the cupcake

Sara65 Sat 26-Oct-19 18:35:13

It will most likely be a lot nicer than the big stressful day, when everyone absolutely has to be having the best time, I’m not disappointed to be excluded from the party day, just a bit sad when they ask why we aren’t going.

Gonegirl Sat 26-Oct-19 18:45:13

Aww. That is sad.

BlueBelle Sat 26-Oct-19 19:33:00

Has goodenough morphed into Sara65 ???