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Question about gathering my death info

(27 Posts)
Booksnbeer Mon 04-Nov-19 02:32:53

Hello all 😊 wonderful topic I know but I have a very difficult choice to make. Maybe hearing from some of you will help. I have very nearly finished with what I call my (dark humor) death box and have my funeral arrangements made. I should tell you that I suffer from an incurable illness that will take me from this world sooner than I would have wanted but that’s the way it goes, right? Anyway, of my two grown dtr’s the youngest at 46 walked away from us over a year ago and hasn’t spoken to either my husband or myself since. As far as we can tell it’s because we moved 5 hrs away without her consent, she thinks we moved to be closer to her sister - we moved because it was cheaper after my husband retired - and because we weren’t able to go to our granddaughters high school graduation because I was going thru chemo and my sweet dog had just became paralyzed in both hind legs. No place would take her overnight. Our 19 yr old granddaughter blames ME. They do not believe I’m ill. My question is, do I even need to tell them of my passing? I don’t want to and they have been written out of my will. My other daughter feels guilty. My husband is undecided. I’ll be dead but my daughter will obey my wishes. My husband I doubt. What do you think.

rosecarmel Tue 05-Nov-19 00:23:16

BlueBelle, thus far her family have offered support and loving kindness while she's alive- It only stands to reason that they will continue on that path after she is gone-

Something had already been broken before booksnbeer chose to remove her one daughter from her will- Her reasons for doing so could be retaliatory or protective in nature- Only booksnbeer knows which- The wording of the will might provide a thoughtful explanation as to why she chose to do so-

Consider parents who leave mountains of belongings for their children to sort through after they are gone- Some children consider it part of the passing ritual while others think it inconsiderate -

LondonGranny Mon 04-Nov-19 23:56:25

Mind you, whereas my non-estranged children discussed what sentimental or family heirlooms they wanted before the will was drawn up, my estranged child hasn't had that choice. She gets an equal share of any dosh but tough if she decides wants my granny's jewellery, my other children discussed what items they wanted first dibs on and anything they wanted in particular is itemised in the will.

LondonGranny Mon 04-Nov-19 23:47:37

Remember that a child cut out of a will can challenge it legally which can mean the entire estate ends up in the hands of lawyers and no-one but they benefit.
I was asked why I decided not to cut my estranged child out of my will and it wasn't to do with lawyers getting their mitts on stuff, it was about being magnanimous, even in death. My other children agree with my decision.

BlueBelle Mon 04-Nov-19 22:52:27

booksanbeer will be survived by confident, compassionate family members that have the emotional maturity to work out whatever needs to be done going forward
How do you know that rosecarmel?

crazyH Mon 04-Nov-19 22:32:21

So sad Booksnbeer....first of all, a big hug.
It all sounds so of your daughters thinks that you are moving to be nearer to the other daughter - so what if you did? My friend has 3 sons and she is now moving to be near her middle son, who has always been very good to her. The other two are supporting her move.
But under no circumstance will she leave him a larger share of her estate. He will get 1/3..
I have 3 children. Love them equally and will share equally, although 2 of them have very 'difficult' personalities and I often butt heads with them.
Be strong.

LondonGranny Mon 04-Nov-19 22:31:31

My daughter has cut all contact & I'm not allowed to see the GCs but none of them have been cut out of my will. My gran was cut out of a will because of disapproval of her future husband. She didn't care one jot and the cutter-outer just entered family history as a vindictive miserable old sod. He cut her out of his will in 1922, died in 1935 and we all remember him with ridicule .although we never knew him. He wasn't even rich!

rosecarmel Mon 04-Nov-19 22:01:10

Compassionate handling of a fallout can produce meaningful communication, reflection and lead to healing-

There was a time when my sister felt like she didn't want to tell me (and others) if mum died- We discussed why she felt as she did and over time gained a better understanding of each other-

Tangerine Mon 04-Nov-19 21:41:54

I am so sorry to hear about your illness.

If you leave one daughter out of your Will and don't give her the chance to perhaps come to your funeral, would it perhaps prevent her from reconciling in the future with her sister and father?

Could it cause trouble for years to come?

Your other daughter and husband will have to deal with the fallout of your decision.

rosecarmel Mon 04-Nov-19 21:37:44

booksnbeer needs to determine if the decision regarding her will that was made is an act of retaliation or a healthy boundary, one that protects her compassionate family members from those that have acted out of ignorance-

We've only been given a quick glimpse of familial history- For those of you who've resorted to guilt tripping, such suggestions come from the same ignorant part of the human heart that retaliation does-

booksnbeer will be survived by confident, compassionate family members that have the emotional maturity to work out whatever needs to be done going forward-

Delila Mon 04-Nov-19 10:46:49

Why not send those kind letters now, and live in hope of a reconciliation? Don't give up x

Persistentdonor Mon 04-Nov-19 10:25:14

Booksnbeer I am so sad you are having to face this dilemma.

I never had the benefit of a normal mother/daughter relationship, even so, after she died I was very surprised to find it really did matter to me, despite my mourning was probably not the usual way an AC mourns a parent.

Hopefully your daughters will be of some comfort to each other, and their father. Surely you would want that?

Your GD is a teenager.... she too will regret all of this bad feeling eventually.

I do hope your last days are without emotional hurt and bitterness. flowers

Dolcelatte Mon 04-Nov-19 09:34:36

BooksnBeer (great name!) - are the sisters estranged? There does seem to be some sibling rivalry there, and I am not sure if it ever goes away in many families.

I have just come out of a three year estrangement with my eldest DD, different reasons, but massively painful, so I understand exactly how you feel. I thought of cutting her out of my will and discussed it with DH, but I don't think I really meant it. DH was certainly against it. I agree with the previous poster who said that it is the last powerful message which you send to your child. She would be devastated, I am sure, if you did this - you would mess up the rest of her life and poison the whole family not only for this generation but for future generations. Is this what you really want? You must feel very bitter, as well as hurt, if you do. And why are you punishing your granddaughters? Surely, if you are staring death in the face, you want to be reconciled with your loved ones? I assume you do love DD or you would not be so hurt. Does she really not know how ill you are? Are you afraid that she would turn her back on you if she did know? Is there anyone who could speak to her/mediate?

Of course, you have a right to do what you wish, but I would urge you to reconsider very carefully. I am not generally one to recommend counselling but, in your case, do you think it might help, as you have an awful lot to contend with at present?

Whatever you decide, I send you hugs and flowers

Gonegirl Mon 04-Nov-19 09:26:49

Don't you think this is the time to stop all the small-minded bickering and perhaps try to get your family on better terms with each other?

At the very least, get your will altered to ensure your estate goes to each of your adult children equally. Why would you want to cause enmity amongst the three sisters in the future? Don't you want your family to be a happy family, even if there are miles between their homes?

And of course they all need to be notified of your passing. hmm

Loislovesstewie Mon 04-Nov-19 08:47:57

I understand it is about more than the will. I am trying to say that I think that 'last wishes' should be respected. I also understand that sometimes that makes for upset to those left behind, but what is the point of making wishes known only for others to ignore them? It is so important to discuss these things with loved ones in general. For example I want a woodland burial and no service, my OH wants cremation and the full works so to speak. We are each going to respect the others wishes. I understand that this is so much more painful but if the daughter can't bring herself round now when she is needed then what should she expect ?

sodapop Mon 04-Nov-19 08:44:17

That is such a sad position to be in Booksnbeer . I also agree with momb don't let this estrangement colour the lives of the rest of your family.
I hope you can have some peace and happiness now.thanks

Witzend Mon 04-Nov-19 08:37:02

So sorry you have this dilemma, OP. I don't think I could write a child out of my will, but then I haven't been in your position so who knows how I might feel. It must be so hurtful for you. However I think I might ask someone not directly involved to inform her when the time comes.

I do like the general idea of leaving letters.
When my mother died after many years of dementia, when she hadn't known any of us for some time, we found a letter she'd written to all of us while she still had all her marbles.
It was lovely to read afterwards - like having our 'old' mother back.


M0nica Mon 04-Nov-19 08:31:19

Booksnbear, what a sad situation you are in. But what is happening now with the recent estrangement, is not something that happens out of the blue to a family that has always been close and loving. There must have been a thread of dysfunction running through your family for many years for it to end like this. In fact the decision you have made about cutting your daughters out of your will so finally for a shrt estrangement and a bolshie teenager seems to show that.

Perhaps now is the time to be honest to yourself about what past attitudes and reactions have led both to the estrangement and for your younger daughter not to believe you are ill, despite you having quite drastic medical treatments. Perhaps nows is the time try to remedy the fraught route your family have taken and try and get back on the right track, reconcile with both your daughters and share your estate equally between them.

After I die I want my family to remember me with love and affection, to remember happy times together and giggle at my failings. What do you want to be remembered as?

wildswan16 Mon 04-Nov-19 08:25:31

By further "estranging" your daughter by cutting her out of your will and not informing her of your death - all you are doing is continuing the family split to the next generation.

Whether the sisters ever reconcile or not, I don't think you should make this more difficult for them in the future. Likewise, your husband may feel a little differently to you and he is going to be around longer having to deal with the outcome.

I am so sorry you have this added worry at this time.

craftyone Mon 04-Nov-19 08:10:01

Strength to you booksnbeer flowers

I call it dying tidy. Daughters and sons never asked to be born, for whatever reason, something went wrong since or at birth, psychologically, hard wiring, who knows. I speak from personal experience, a youngest dd who might get in touch briefly twice a year and a dgd who has never phoned although old enough now

So my dying pack is made because we all die and I am a widow. My will is made and is as fair as I can make it, I have included the 3 children and they are equal for a certain %age. A higher %age goes to each grandchild, this means that one family with 2 children would overall get more than the youngest dd with 1 child or my son who does not have children but such is life, real life is not a bed of roses and they will all think this is fair

Op write kind letters to your estranged family, you will feel better for it, at least you will not be leaving pain and misery behind. Put the letters with your will and try and be fair to them, that generation have a harder start in life than we ever did and maybe time will heal them

MissAdventure Mon 04-Nov-19 07:59:44

I'm of the opinion that if your family isn't willing or able to support you through your illness, then I would have no qualms whatsoever about doing what I felt best in the circumstances.
In life there are consequences to everything, and these are one of them.

BlueBelle Mon 04-Nov-19 07:56:10

But this is bigger than that lois of course you can leave your money to who you want and as I said it’s personal that I couldn’t do that, but that is not what the poster is asking us she is asking if she is right to tell her husband and daughter NOT to tell her estranged daughter when she passes away and they are both obviously very uncomfortable with that, as she says she doubts her husband can do it, and her elder daughter feels guilty, so to get her revenge she is pulling in the rest of her family against their wishes and that is in my mind very, very wrong, if she is so wounded she will NEVER forgive her daughter and granddaughter that has to be her own decision, but what she cannot and should not do is visit these wounds onto the rest of the family and make them conspire against their daughter and sister, against their own wishes It’s a very very sad and difficult situation and I m not without empathy for booksnbeer but her deep hurt should never be forced onto others

Loislovesstewie Mon 04-Nov-19 06:45:05

I'm sorry to hear about your illness, I 'm not sure if I can help but didn't want to read and run.
Is there any possibility of a friend/relation approaching your estranged daughter now? If she is informed of the situation by another person would she then understand? If that has been tried then sorry for suggesting it.
I think you are allowed to do whatever you want with your money/belongings in your will. I know others feel differently but if your daughter can't understand or be bothered then why should she be remembered.

BlueBelle Mon 04-Nov-19 06:28:15

First I am so sorry you have a terminal illness you sound as if you are at peace with that I can only speak personally but I could NEVER ever write a child out of a will however much they had hurt me I absolutely agree with mumofmadboys it will cause even more difficulties and heartache for your husband and other daughter left behind and override their mourning for you it will be a forever split with little chance of reconnection because your husband and daughter will not feel able to go against your last wishes so your act of revenge (and that’s exactly what is is) will have huge repercussions on those left behind.... Is that’s really what you want ?

Your choice of forgiveness is between you and your conscience but you CANNOT dictate that others can not forgive

mumofmadboys Mon 04-Nov-19 04:33:58

Think very carefully before you write your child out of your will. It is the last thing you do for your child. Isn't parenthood about unconditional love? I think your daughter should definitely be notified when you die. Don't let a recent disagreement colour the whole relationship you have had with your DD over the whole of her life. It may also cause problems between your two daughters.

rosecarmel Mon 04-Nov-19 03:33:34

I had a friend that was in a similar situation- If I remember correctly a relative offered to notify the estranged daughter- That way the immediate family didn't have to revisit past heartache and deal with bereavement too-