Mother-in-law stopping by unannounced

Yes, I am very lucky to have them. 100%. And I make an effort to see them every other day. I don't need an appointment the day before...just a call to check to see if I'm available for a visit. Sometimes I'm putting the baby down, nursing or just enjoying a moment. What if I've just had a fight with my husband or having a bad day? Sometimes I'd rather be by myself for an hour or two...especially when I have a baby demanding so much of me. But I'm almost always open for a visit from them. I'd just rather a choice to say "maybe not right now..but in an hour, sure!"

They have keys to our house. I gave them a set but they've never used them. They are in case of emergencies.

May I ask: do you have a daughter-in-law? How would you behave in this case?

And...do you use those keys without telling your daughter?

And: how does your son in law feel? Is she married?

Thanks! Well I think I'd be in the dark quite a bit..haha. I enjoy their company, but I'd like them to call ahead even if it's 5 minutes ahead. Just a check-in so I can opt in or out.

At least they don't use the keys.

I would only use the keys if I was asked to eg pick up a DGC and take them home after school.

However, I do know quite a few 'Continental' mothers and MILs eg Italian etc.
'Your home is my home' seems to be the philosophy and that means both ways.
Difficult if you are British and more reserved.

We dont want to movr. We enjoy living close to them. I've just been feeling a bit suffocated. My husband loves his parents but sides with me. I've told him not to mention anything, though.

Wow
..that must have been hard. He will get involved if I ask him to.

Thank you.

Thank you all for the responses.

Hi! I had no qualms about moving there and I still don't regret it. No, I don't want to move away from them at all. I enjoy having them close, but I'd like them to call ahead even if it's a 5 min warning. Is that too much to ask or should I just accept drop ins?

Me too!

I'm quite a solitary person and having someone drop in all the time would drive me mad. We're all different ,but should understand that whatever the culture. Paying towards your house shouldn't put you under some sort of obligation to them. We borrowed some money off my in laws to buy a house when we were first married and I couldn't wait to pay it back as I never felt the house was 'ours' till I did. I have a key to my daughters house but never go in without knocking first; may drop in if I'm passing but that doesn't happen very often. I think a married couples home is their private space. Could you not say that you're tired after having the baby and perhaps she should phone to see if you're resting; I know I felt very tired when mine were babies.

Thank you.

And again, thank you all for your responses...positive and negative.

I also don't think that money has anything to do with it. They gave the money to both my husband AND his sister equally before we got married. I am also a very solitary person at times. I enjoy my own space, but also opting in for socialising when it's good for both parties. I am hoping MIL is understanding this more and more.

It’s a cultural thing. I met someone who lives in Italy and when she married they were expected to move into the family home where the younger generations live on the top floor and the oldies at the bottom, till in the fullness of time they all move down a floor. She managed to swerve this, but still lived very close by. Different countries, different mores.

I hate anyone calling without a bit of notice, so do sympathise.

I thnk it's important that you are comfortable in your own home, and it doesn't matter what other people would do, or whether they would be ok with it - it's your home, and your feelings are important.

Personally, I hate 'droppers in' with a passion, and it's almost worse when it is close family, as they are more likely to pick up on things than strangers would. My own mum would drop in when she lived closer, and would then read what was on the calendar on her way to the loo, and comment on appointments etc, as well as noticing all sorts of little things that are private in your own home.

My sister really doesn't mind people dropping by, and leaves her door open in case she doesn't hear them knock. I, on the other hand, keep the doors locked and quite often don't answer the door if I'm not expecting anyone. That doesn't mean that she cares more about our mum than I do - it's just different boundaries.

When you go back to work, it might get worse. I worked full time, and really valued downtime when I was a home, whether enjoying time with my husband or just watching TV in my pyjamas. I think that we all have every right to please ourselves at home, and that doesn't mean that everyone has a right to know about our private lives.

It's a tricky situation, as it is clear that you don't want to hurt your MIL, and it sounds as though you might have to be blunt with her - some people genuinely think that they are 'different' when it comes to things like this, and she probably really doesn't know that she is being a nuisance.

I agree that your husband would be the best one to have a word. He could present it as a 'you know the British' sort of thing, and he might pull it off. I do understand the 'nonna' thing, though - a friend of mine had the same problem when she married an Italian, and never really sorted it out, I'm afraid.

Good luck, whatever you do. I hope you find a way that allows you to enjoy your baby in the way you want to, and that your MIL learns to respect your boundaries, whether she understands your need for them or not.

Yes, I would just like a bit of notice. It doesn't have to be much time...but it's just hard to turn someone away at the door.

And that oldies living at the bottom and youngins living on top is practiced widely here..but a lot of people have to due to circumstances...finances, mainly. Most people also regret it because proximity may breed unexpected resentment. One of my Italian friends said she hates living above the in-laws and that she feels watched.

Thank you for your reply. I hope she realizes too... I think telling them they had interrupted me bathing the baby naked got them sorted...maybe. i called her at around 8pm to ask them to come hold the baby while I do my chores upstairs tomorrow afternoon for an hour. She seemed very happy to do so. I think they are feeling left out...

I told her I'd call when the baby wakes up between 3 and 3.30pm. She said "ok sure! Ok. I'll wait for your call."

Gosh all too much close for comfort for me I can’t bear living on someone’s doorstep to be in your face all the time i d never have had a house near my in laws however nice but having said that I ve never made an appointment to visit close family either, both seem extreme
I think it’s very cultural to Italy and surely you were aware of the tight family bonds before marrying !
Good luck with this one I can’t see any changes any time soon

Thank you for the response. I agree, these are extreme things...but I need a buffer and we aren't moving. I enjoy having them close by and I like their company. I just like to know what to expect during the day and not be surprised all the time. I find myself closing shutters and modifying my behaviour in my own home and I don't think that's fair. My own family is very close, but we constantly touch base to see if the other is free. It's hard turning people away at the door. May I ask: Do you think an appointment is calling ahead five minutes to check if it's a good time? And also: do you stop by and visit family unannounced almost every day?

Yes, I was aware of the closeness before marrying. I don't want them to be distant in relational or proximal terms...but I do want consideration of my time and space. Just because I had a baby doesn't mean I'm always up for a visit. We're our own family now...

And thank you. The root of it is that I want to be free in my own home and not constantly thinking: "I'd better tidy up, they might come over"....or..."I hope they don't come right this second. I'm tired. " or "I need a nap. I hope they don't come and wake me up."

And I agree: we have every right to please ourselves at home and feel relaxed. The situation is making me feel tense and under watch. It's constantly anticipating a visit and feeling like I'm at work or something. Like I have to be accountable for what time I wake up, where we go, when we go and come back...and feeling the necessity to constantly involve the in-laws.

Their lives revolve around their kids and grandkids, which is fine...but they aren't in love with each other and constantly need other people to focus on. They should be travelling more and enjoying their time and money together more often.

But it seems like they want me to fit into their routine rather than considering whether they fit into mine
..

Depending on their age I think it seems odd for older people to use the telephone for unimportant things.

I have family abroad and used to get worried about the cost when my DB called! I kept calls brief and he had to reassure me that he could afford to have a conversation.

Now young ones are always texting or phoning - just to check!
Why? When I make an appointment, I keep it unless there is a reason not to. I don't need to check every few minutes that the arrangement is still on. My battery isn't always charged. The phone could be switched off.

A generational thing?