Mother-in-law stopping by unannounced

I hope so.

The MIL does comment to the baby whenever she hasn't seen her for a day, though "Oh, I didn't even see you yesterday"...but I try to take that for what it is...just a stated fact, rather than an expectation.

My sister is here for the holidays, so we've been a bit busy trying to pack everything in.

Yes, it all does seem like a fairy tale...but we all have issues over here too!!!

And yes: I'm lucky to have people who care about us on both sides of the Atlantic.

The food, weather and art IS lovely...

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I’m so glad things are mostly working out!

I hope you’re able to relax the rest of your maternity leave

The MIL has stopped all unannounced visits since posting! I think they got the hint!

My husband also got in on it and when his parents told him their friends would be visiting, he told them not to show up at the house.

Unfortunately things backfired because he didn't tell me about their dear friends being over until ten minutes before the baby went for a nap, so we had to run over to the in-laws at lunchtime and the baby started crying almost immediately. Had he told me about it, I would have arranged a proper visit with their friends...sigh...

I think him telling them pointedly NOT to show up here sealed it for them. It's a shame I had to put my foot down.

As a new mom I'm aware that I'm more territorial, and protective than before.

I love my in-laws, but I think they (and we) just needed some time to adjust to their new roles in our lives..

How’re you making out Naty?

In Canada a drop in visit is an exception, but not the rule! And it would NOT be daily or weekly.

And I'm sure she's comparing her involvement with my child to that of her daughter
(her daughter dropped off washing to hang, fold and iron every second day and needed babysitting all the time, and went for extended visits and lunch every day with the kids...but I'm just not like that. I like cleaning my own house, making my own meals and having some semblance of autonomy)...

If they ever needed me, I'd drop everything for them and vice versa.

Maybe when I'm at work, we'll go there for a meal during the week...but I just don't require the help at the moment, and I don't think being dependant is loving, either. My own mother would be asking me "What's for lunch?" Or ..."let's go out, I'm bored" ...Haha

Thank you for your input, ladies!

I think they understand the request but they can't resist dropping in because, like you said; they've ALWAYS lived like this. Our house is a tantalizing treat filled with baby...I get it! But they probably sense that I'm not appreciative of drop ins and are limiting them as much as they can humanly muster.

My own mom or sister or you name it wouldnt do this to me, why would she??

Hi ladies, I THINK they may have understood the rules. We'll see, won't we?

Since I last checked in she hasn't dropped by unannounced EXCEPT for yesterday when my husband was home. I was upstairs with the baby and they had ALREADY seen the baby that day at 1:30pm (maybe for 15 minutes when my husband went over to them but the baby fusses when she's without me, so he came back)...and he told them WE would stop by later in the evening.

Well, they dropped by at 5pm to tell us they were going out to their friends (dropping by them) around the corner so if we went by, they wouldn't be home.

I was upstairs with the baby and didn't come down.

So I'm thinking it's their way of seeing the baby whenever they can.
In any case, we did go by later in the evening (texting beforehand) at around 8.00pm before bedtime.

I also called today and went over for an hour to see them in the afternoon.

They are over the moon with the baby, but I need my space, time, privacy and mental real estate.

"I could technically get the window coverings, but I think that might be too much of a "stop looking in my damn windows" signal to her."

That may be what she needs, Naty.

I'm glad you asked her to babysit. Clearly, she's thrilled, and it will put your need for privacy in perspective. Plus, maybe after a few hours of childcare, she'll be ready to go home and relax. But I'm glad you're setting boundaries. Please be prepared to enforce them, though, in case she tries to cross them.

I get that being a new mum has magnified some of your other issues. The last thing you need is to be unable to relax in your own home. Hugs! Hopefully, things will get better as time moves on.

But I've posted a lot. Now I'll be quiet.

Tricia, I'm so sorry about your negative experiences w/ MIL

Icanhandthemback, I understand the "when in Rome" comment. But MY home is MY Rome, and there I feel I can set the rules. Same for Naty, I believe.

Oh, sorry, just saw your comment about why you don't want curtains, etc.

I see you also don't want to move. You just want your ILs to be considerate enough to call ahead. But I don't think that will happen unless you find some way to enforce this. So, IMO, there has to be a way you can stay out of sight when you're home or, sorry, but you might have to move - not far, just enough so you are not in walking distance.

Also love ReadyMeals suggestion about the curtains - anything so that they can't see into your home.

Love Flexible's advice about shutters! Also, I understand the issue about cultural differences. But you have a right to assert your own needs.

Haven't read through the whole thread, but just want to say, Naty, that I think it's beautiful that you have such a good relationship w/ your PILs, overall, and that you appreciate them. Sorry for the dropping by problem, but think you handed it well when you simply didn't answer. I don't believe they "don't understand" that you want them to call first, they just don't want to do it. They are used to dropping in, as you say, and they've gotten away with it, so they think they still can. At this point, you need to show them, IMO (as you did the last time), not try to ask or tell them. Don't come downstairs when they're at the door, don't get up from the couch, etc. If they see you don't answer when they don't call first, hopefully, they will learn to do so or stop coming over when uninvited.... Now to finish reading the thread, LOL!

*OutsideDave I think that if your husband is empowered to speak up
And be clear then there will be less of this misunderstanding. You may live in Italy, but you are not required to 100% live as an Italian and they too must be prepared to adapt to having a North American DIL. To be clear is to be kind. Have your husband spell out that you don’t like drop bys but welcome their visits if they ASK FIRST. It takes no time to send a text or make a call.*

I think Outside Dave is giving you good advice!

“Tolerance” feels and sounds like being bullied to me as well Naty. Is mil still backing off?

Hang on in there - having a baby is a massive life change and it can be a very lonely time. You’ve got nightmare PIL to deal with too, so that’s going to add to things. Have you got friends over there? Have you joined a parent and baby group or similar?

I'm unhappy in Italy due to the lack of physical proxmity to my family and my career choices. Something has to change. I have to change something.

This does not sound appealing to me at all. 'Tolerance' sounds like getting bullied to me.

Exactly Smileless and the longsuffering DiL. My half Italian MiL was good to me but she was the head of the family.

I know what you mean annepl, the opening scene when they know 'they're coming' and try to make it look as if they're out, then Marie's hand comes through the letter box and touches the top of Raymond's head, it's so funny but would be a nightmare if it was for real.

Watching Everybody Loves Raymond and it made me think of this thread. Its very funny but maybe not so in real life.

OMG Tricia how did you cope? I could/would not have taken that quietly.

Tricia that story is horrifying. As is your normalising of her behaviour.