What to Do For The Best??

Firstly I think you sound a great mum, supporting her all the time regardless of how she is behaving , I could be wrong but I think she doesn’t like herself very much has low self esteem, it must be very worrying for you being told how she lives her life, it seems she has no intention of curbing her lifestyle as you say she ignores your advice, and now pregnant again, if it was my situation I would be holding back the babysitting more and not giving her money bailing her out, sad to say it but the more you give her she’s not learning anything, as she knows you will come to her rescue regardless, giving her a red light to carry on , does she want to keep her third baby, I would be talking to her about contraception a better form, she does sound very selfish, with no regard for herself or anyone else, wishing you the best and hope she can sort her life out sooner rather than later

This is such a sad situation. Has your daughter got any qualifications that would enable her to get a good career, or would she need to go back to education to become better qualified?
It sounds as if her self-esteem is at rock-bottom and she needs some success in life to boost her morale and stop her from looking for affection from all these irresponsible losers!
Now the boys are older and off her hands for part of the day, she must have a bit more free time she could use to get better qualifications - she could try the OU for example. The daughter of a friend of mine is doing this and it seems to be working out well.
If the problem is her laziness and lack of motivation, then I think she needs a really good talking to to make her face up to her responsibilities. She is so young, she has time to sort herself out and make a good life for herself and the boys.
As for the coming baby, well, I think that having a termination might not be helpful, considering her lack of self-esteem already. Perhaps she could have the baby adopted, or talk to Citizens’ Advice about what help would be available for her, if she should decide to go back to education.
I think you could make it absolutely clear that you are not prepared to look after the new baby as you have your own life to lead and you are still young. It is time she sorted herself out, for the sake of everybody involved.

Sad as it may be you cannot make her live your kind of life.. your DD is obviously thinking about her situation now regarding the pregnancy. Perhaps one thing you could ensure she fully addresses with you supporting her is good contracepton for the future. You do seem to care for your family, seems your DD would find life even more difficult without you. All you can do is really keep your involvement with your DGC to ensure they have stability. Very hard situation but you can take a horse to water etc.....

You don't condone her behaviour yet you facilitate it by constantly having her children so that she can be footloose. I wonder if it time to pull back and let her shoulder the responsibility. She has made her choices.

It sounds like your daughter has self esteem issues and is confusing sex with love. She obviously needs the love and is looking for it in the wrong places. This probably stems from something, either some sort of abuse in childhood or as a young adult that has confused her perception of what love looks like. I would work on her self esteem, lots of praise, lots of love. Help her love herself so that she sees what she deserves in a relationship.

After whatever she decides about the baby she is carrying, she has inserted in her arm the three year contraception. You only have to remind her to renew it every third year.

Wow I feel for you.
But she is an adult and will do what she wants regardless.
Personally I would pull back a bit on giving her so much as this could be making it simple for her to get herself in this situation.
I wish you all the best.

P.S.

I agree wholeheartedly with Naty.

is she finding being a mum from a early age difficult, does she feel she missed out on being a teenager, theres something making her act this way, all you can do is be there and support her, maybe she doesnt know why shes doing what shes doing, but she has to talk it over with someone not fair to keep bringing babies into it.

I suppose the one thing in your favour is that you are a relatively young grandmother.

My Dd is a single mother also. She is always having dramas and meltdowns. At times I feel I can’t cope with it all as I am now 74 years old.

Also, I couldn’t have her living back with me either as she is extremely untidy and messy. It would drive me up the wall.
Luckily that is not an option.

Stop being so generous and say no. Enough is enough.
Another baby is not a good idea, given the circumstances.

Well...she's got to make a decision as to whether she'll keep it or not. Moving forward, she needs real contraception and probably two forms of it. She could end up with much worse than a baby. Her kids need her. You at 46 have no business dealing with three grandkids. I feel for you. Perhaps you could express your love for her but your unhappiness with the choices she's made. I'd seek professional help if possible. She's putting your lives in precarious situations due to her stupidity. She's suffering from low self esteem and wants someone to love her and validate her.

My son has borderline personality disorder and can lead a very tricky life. sounds like your daughter may have the same condition.

I do feel she is searching for male approval, what sort of relationship does she have with her own father?
This sort of behaviour stems from low self esteem so she is looking for these men to give her there attention/ approval.
Would be good idea to try and build her own self worth so she doesn’t seek it in men’s attention.
It’s not everyone’s opinion but being a young mother once myself I do feel a termination is the best choice for her at the moment. And maybe the injection pill that lasts for 3 months at a time if she’s forgetful.
Take care of you as well as her.

I think she just sounds like many young women that have had children young and not able to hold onto a lasting relationship with a man that will love her back.
There's a part of me that thinks that this third child may make all the difference to her but as she seems to have fallen into the trap of sleeping with any man that no doubt has told her he loves her, I think I may be wrong.
She needs counselling - a) to decide on the best course of action right now and b) to help her to find out that she is a worthwhile human being despite her lifestyle. Maybe she has been seeing older men in the mistaken belief that they would be more likely to want to have a long lasting relationship with her and provide a stable home for her children.
There is little you can do beyond continuing to support her as you have done. I hope that she gets the help that she needs and can move on with her life.

Im afraid it's kids bringing up kids . All you can do is keep giving her advice and perhaps one day she will learn from her mistakes . Just be there for your grandchildren because you will be the one to pick up the pieces . Good luck .

Nobody should persuade anyone to have a baby they don’t want. That’s just passive bullying

More knowledgeable heads than mine will come along but I have some thoughts. The boys must be about 3 and 5 so at school and nursery/preschool. If your daughter could be motivated/encouraged, it would be feasible to return to education or training and set up a better future for herself and family, set some goals for herself and an example to the children. A third child would probably prevent that. She may be lazy about certain things but if she could see a rewarding future may show a hard working side. Having an unwanted baby or an unwanted termination is not a good idea. Can the GP/doctor arrange some counselling so that she can make a decision she can live with? I wonder if she behaves as she does because she thinks she has messed up and cannot see a positive way forward. The right help could maybe change that to working towards a more constructive life/career. I wish you all well.

She is a good mum to the boys (if a little on the lazy side sometimes) in my opinion but they are generally well looked after. Their father has little input as he makes little effort with them but she does her best to facilitate the relationship between them. The boys have never been introduced to any of her partners as she is ‘firm’ that she will not let anyone in to their lives unless they are significant & she lives them. She doesn’t have a partner at present.

I don’t want her to have a termination as I feel (selfishly or not) that this is another grandchild of mine and I feel protective already However, it’s not me that has the decision to make...

I couldn’t have her back home again, as awful as that may sound. She is far too lazy and I would end up doing it all. I have a business to run and dh still works ft. I also have a chronic illness which takes its toll on me and I’m not sure she realises the strain I feel from all of her dramas.

Heavens as she is only 22 there could potentially be several more unplanned pregnancies given her promiscuous lifestyle.

I know your daughter is an adult but as you are close and she talks to you , you are in a unique position to try to get her to act more responsibly.

I guess all the time you bail her out and support her financially she has no incentive to change her ways.

Time for tough love I think .

Termination is not a form of contraception.

Can't you persuade her to have the baby? It's your grandchild. You will love him/her.

What contact/input does the boys' father have? Is he able to express concern for her lifestyle and the impact it could have on his children?

Tempting though it is for parents to moralise, we do have to accept that our children are adults and are responsible for themselves and their choices.

It sounds as though you have done a lot for your daughter and grandchildren, and you should continue to do so for the children, at least.

Being promiscuous, whilst not ideal, does not make her a bad mother, and as long as the children are well cared for, and not being introduced to a string of "uncles", then how she conducts herself isn't anyone's concern but her own.

If contraception failed and she is talking of a termination you may not have any further mouths to feed is she still with this last father ? And what does he think to the idea of a termination ?
I agree with others you sound as if you have a good relationship so all you can do is continue to ask her to take care when you’re talking, I m sure she ll grow up soon some people mature later than others
Is she a good mum to the two she’s got ?

There’s nothing you can do beyond keep talking to her. It’s good she does that at least. Be there when she falls if you can. You’re still very young yourself, so at least you’ve got that on your side. Enjoy your grandchildren, and try not to worry, she’ll burn herself out soon enough. Good luck?

You are young enough to be a mother yourself. Could you have them all living with you ?With a third child she might come to her senses and settle down. If she has a termination she would probably return to her promiscuous ways.You don't say how she is with the boys.Is she a good mother?

I think she feels that she has no choice other than a termination due to her current situation. She says contraception failed.