What on earth do I do

As one of the ‘two’ mentioning the word bi polar mumofmadboys when someone says their son has ‘terrible mood swings’ I don’t think it’s out of order to say could it be ?
No one is making a diagnosis but a suggestion as a maybe and surely all suggestions are valid to consider

Respect for giving his abandoned wife and children your support. This should mean so much to her.

Britgran, your son must be a very unhappy man. I believe that bulimia is a consequence of something that runs much deeper. Do you have any idea of what this might be? It sounds as if he has real difficulty in coming to terms with himself.

I’m with you all the way in doing all you can to help and support your DIL and your beautiful grandchildren at this very challenging time. Building an obviously strong relationship with them will be good for all of you.

I’m sure your grandchildren will ask questions and it’s up to the adults involved to try to give honest answers without laying blame on anyone. It’s so difficult at stressful times to remain calm.

Wishing you all the best for the future

You can still love your son but not love what he does. It looks like your Dil's and grandchildren will need all the support they can get if you can muster it and let him get on with it so concentrate all your energies there. Walking out on your family is a cruel thing to do and evenmore this time of year and let him know how you feel. If he keeps on getting away with bad behaviour then he will continue.

Very hard on dil and grandchildren and you too but difficult to condemn someone with long term mental illness. Who on earth knows what sort of struggles he's having or what's going through his mind, he needs support too.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Support them all - you don't like your son's choices but for him to feel cut off from his mother might be utterly devastating and get in the way of recovery. You can say to him, clearly and calmly, what you think and hope for - no need to pretend anything, but with a caring approach and knowing that he is hurting too, you may be able to help. Cutting him off is unlikely to improve things - but look after yourself too. You can say you need some space, but in the great scheme of things you are always there for him. Its hard and I feel for you all.

I presume your son has left because he's at breaking point, so demonising him is not helpful. None of us know what is going on in his head. Try to understand how he feels because he may be in a dark place.

Can I add a cautionary tale?

When my youngest daughter (my baby) broke up with her boyfriend I was absolutely furious with him. I called him every name under the sun.

I saw her crying and upset because he 'needed a break' and 'wasn't sure'. I overreacted (was overprotective) as it stirred up strong feelings. The last time she'd openly sobbed was when her dad died (she was only seven).

Three weeks later, they got back together. I had to tell her not to bring him home (I was still angry) for quite a while. Gradually, he started popping in - but was very nervous and polite in my company.

When they were about to marry, I found myself blurting out (half-jokingly) 'You can't change your mind this time or I really will hunt you down and kill you'!

We are OK now, but it's taken five years to get back to a friendly atmosphere!

As a few others have mentioned I'm also thinking bipolar, please get him to go the doctors but be careful how you handle the situation as you don't want to push him over the edge when he's already probably feeling vunerable, my nephew suffered for years with mental health and took his life due to undiagnosed bipolar (he'd only just being tested for it but hadn't started treatment), you don't just give up on your family suddenly without mental health being involved, he needs your love not condemnation regardless how upset and angry you are

Have you spoken to your son about his reasons for leaving? His timing may not be great but he must have his reasons no matter how skewed his thinking is. Maybe listening rather than raging might help the both of you.

I would concentrate on the children in the family, they are the vulnerable ones. It’s a shame for your son, but he’s got to learn to take responsibility. You need rest too. I wish you all the best.

As this is the second time he has bailed out on a wife and his children he must have an underlying issue that he cannot face talking about.

I would suggest that you try to find a way for him to tell you what the real issue is. It lies with him, but does he know what it is?
He might not know in which case he will need outside help like therapy.
Something is going on with him something that he cannot stomach
It might be something he is afraid to face or afraid to tell people
Does he still love his wife or his children? He might still love them just not be able to be married.

Go gently and do not blame yourself.

When he left his first wife was it for his second wife? How long did his first marriage last. What reasons have been given this time are they the same as last time. As everyone has said there must be an underlying unaddressed issue has he ever given you any clue to how he is feeling. Could he be gay? The mood swings could be for so many reasons without professional help you may never find out.

You are right to support your daughter in law and the children, and I think, at present, stand back from your son. No need to estrange yourself from him, but at 44 years old he has to take responsibility for his actions, and managing his illness without your support.
I have a friend whose son has behaved in a similar fashion, leaving two wives, one on New Year's Eve, three weeks after their wedding. Fortunately no children, of his own, but his mother can see no wrong in him, and always blames the wives, and previous and present girlfriends, of whom there are many, for the inevitable discord.
You can see your son clearly, and I think you are absolutely right to consider yourself as well as his abandoned family, before his needs.

I agree with agnurse over on page 1 and with Applegran on this page. I feel for you and think that is the only way to go. Do not "rage" as that can only be destructive, for you in particular. Be kind to everyone, but particularly to yourself. ?

Park Christmas. The little girls will be excited and will enjoy a nice time. So put that to one side.

Look at the other stuff.....Tell him loud and clear ( possibly in a letter?) you are so sorry he had MH issues. He simply must seek help from a good GP and other services. Include the phone numbers.

Look after yourself, you are valuable and important. Ring a registered therapist today and put this stuff in some sort of order.

Horrible question.....could there be somebody else involved?

I am so sorry that you are going through this.I have a 45 year old son who I love but do not like.He is of the love them and leave them set.I have lost count of the tears I have wiped...deserted grandchildren and ex wives and girlfriends.I have remained firm friends with all his ex's and am there for the grandchildren.I have the love of all of them.All the ex's are like daughters to me.I do not blame any kind of mental health problem...he is a womaniser and always has been.Don't know what went wrong.His brother and sister are so different to him.All I can advise is to look after those he has deserted.

If he has left - but not because of another relationship, then I wonder if his mental health has deteriorated and it has all got too much. (If there is anyone else involved then he isn't a very nice guy).

Carry on as before with your DIL and grandchildren. Try to gauge how your DIL feels - was he getting too difficult to live with, or does she feel it is possible for a reconciliation.

How sad for everybody, especially near Christmas.

I think the shock of being told just before xmas is extremely harsh. However you state quite clearly that your son has mental health issues and I personally would be proud of the fact that he has been able to stick at a job and do alright for himself. Because reading between the lines he is dealing with every day issues as well as whatever is going on inside him and maybe he can't hack a relationship or he is lacking in maturity where relationships occur. Or simply the wife can't deal with his mood swings.

His your son and will always need your love. So accept that he isn't perfect and his timing is poor but he still has given you wonderful GDs. Let your anger go...after all it's his doing so I'm sure this will be weighing heavily upon his shoulders.

How sad for you.
Mood swings are not necessarily a symptom of bi-polar, particularly if the changes are quite close together. There are many personality difficulties that can lead to problems with managing feelings and struggles coping with relationships and all relationships provoke. Bulimia is a symptom as well as leading to other problems. Does your son feel any distress about his bulimia and consider himself to have a problem? If not, getting him to a therapist is unlikely to help. Does he show concern for any pain he puts others through? If so, that is a good sign.

After all, having emotional / personality/ mental health difficulties does not absolve him from his responsibilities to care for his family.

Britgran continue to enjoy a loving relationship with your grandchildren and with the two little one's mum.

I have said all I can say about your son. I'm really sorry.

Have a lovely Christmas with them. x

Why on earth has he decided Now! Couldn't pick a more emotional time with 2 young children. Well done for intending to support his family. I would be very tested to give DS any support. He sounds as if he is a bit too self centred when it comes to his issues. Why oh why did he enter into another marriage with children when he must know his mental health is such an issue. Really feel for you.

4allweknow - he may not have 'decided' now, he may be at breaking point. Don't judge him when you have never met him and have no idea what is going on in his head. How do you know whether or not he is going through much worse than the children are? We cannot judge what we don't know.

he still has given you wonderful GDs

Well no, he has chosen to be a parent once and walk away and is now doing it again. Very sorry for your difficulties OP.