Long Term IL Problem

Fil just earned a long time out from you and the kids.

Your dh can do what he wants. You have a dh problem. Why did he open the door for his father?

It's ok onlyhereforthebiscuits No need to explain. I am not trying to make you feel worse - only presenting other possibilities.

As you say, there is probably a LOT we don't know for instance why they have cut contact for so long, why they want to come back now and where there son is in all this? I am not asking you to go into it so really am only responding on what you have said.

Dragging up things from the past like why your mum didn't stay at the wedding long? Not normal but obviously unresolved issues of some sort or as I said..could be alzheimers? No idea of knowing.

Yes, there ARE rude, toxic people and we can't pick our families. I just wondered if there was perhaps more to his outbursts than we know?

DO your children (I assume adults?) want to have contact? If THEY don't then it is simple - just tell him (them) to say away. IF they would like to keep in contact then let them but stay away yourself.

Whatever you do, do not allow people into your life who make you feel sick and shaky and unable to eat.

When you say 'they' will only be happy if you are out of the picture do you mean your in-laws? They have no control over that whatsoever. Even if your children decide to visit they are still going to be there for you.

I hope 2020 is a better year for you. All the best

@tedber I was already in kitchen when he rang door bell. I didn't accuse him of being rude last year, I reminded him how hurtful I had found comments he'd made during his last visit last week. I appreciate your comments on my OP and now on my update, and we all appreciate there are two sides to every story. Sometimes I think they'll only be happy if I'm out of the picture.

Well onlyhereforthebiscuits I guess only you can sort out how you feel but reading your post it doesn't sound that bad if that is all it was? What did he actually do or say to stir the pot this year?

So (as I read it) FIL (who you dislike intensely) comes Christmas morning and you don't speak just go into kitchen? He comes into kitchen and asks if you are not speaking to him?" You don't say anything? so he goes back into another room and asks your children to visit him? Wasn't exactly 'going behind your back was it?' You were there.

I appreciate that there may be lots of things said in past but you accuse your FIL of dragging up stuff from the past and yet when you had a day to ignore the past you bring it up by telling him how rude he was last year? He may genuinely NOT remember or thought he was being.

Fact is he makes you ill so why not encourage everyone to go and see them instead of him/them coming to you?

Please don't think I am just taking FIL's side. I don't know enough about it all but on the outside looking in, it sounds like he does want to try to bury the hatchet before it is too late. It is up to you whether you reciprocate or not but IF they rest of your family would like to then leave them to it.

Well he phoned DH Christmas morning and I could hear him say "I'm on my up". I felt physically sick and was shaking. I tried to busy myself in kitchen. Landed in and said "are you not speaking". I reminded him how rude he had been previously. He said he wasn't. He went behind my back into other room to ask DC to visit next week. Every year he turns up, stirs the pot, causes a row then slides away for another few months. I now honestly believe he is worse than MIL and SIL. Every time he has opened his mouth over the years, he makes the whole situation worse. If he's hoping to rekindle some sort of relationship between family, why throw up insults from donkey years ago? My stomach has been in knots since then and I've barely eaten.

I am probably going to be the exception here but I think I would go.

It isn't clear in your post just why your inlaws haven't seen your children for so many years. Are you still with their son? (apologies if you have explained)

Whatever reason, I think they are both realising they don't have much time left and it is their way of trying to offer an olive branch (as someone else said). His comments, although well out of order, may be a form of altzeimers (not spelt that right) dragging up things from the past etc.

Sending a 'belated' birthday card sort of indicates they DO want to rekindle contact. His comments about getting more if they called? Well maybe his kack handed way of asking your daughter to come see them?

Personally I would have to go and see what happens at the meal they are planning. Give them some leeway. IF it is a disaster then you know but I really feel they are just not socially educated and don't know how to go about making amends?

Just one other thing....IF someone cannot hear properly it is very difficult to hold phone conversations. Especially youngsters who mumble their way through conversations with a whole new language.

Probably not what you want to hear and not what anyone else agrees with but for me, I would go, take the children and see how it goes.

He sounds awful. Don’t waste your time with him.

Don’t waste any more time on this, in my experience, nothing changes. Draw a line under them, and concentrate on your own family. Your children need you, your in laws don’t.

Please don't subject your children to any more contact with this very unpleasant man. He tries to drive a wedge between them and leaves at least one of them feeling inferior and unloved. He clearly loves no-one but himself. This is a situation in which I would definitely say, 'No contact'.

What does your husband think? ( Assuming your are still together.)
In your shoes I would not be subjecting myself and my children to this relative’s nastiness.

Thank you all for taking the time to comment. A huge part of me was expecting to get slated for being a cold heartless DIL! The more the man talks, the worse he's making the whole situation.

It's a no brainer - why would you ?

Biscuits lock your door and don't answer any communication but give one message - stay away!

BradfordLass that's terrible. Kudos to you for being so supportive .

I wouldnt go to his house TBH. You'll be a "captive audience" so harder to walk away if he starts insulting the DC. Meet somewhere neutral if youre going to, not for food where youre sat waiting for service. Somewhere you can change the subject like a museum

Why would you put yourself and your children through the experience of such a miserable day, especially Christmas Day? They are horrible people it is not compulsory to see them

I think you've already made your mind up, so just go through with it.

I am not saying this applies to your circumstances but just recently, in our family, we have had similar approaches from grandparents who have insulted, betrayed and otherwise caused a LOT of grief to their daughter (my son's partner) and her son.

They too hinted at largess and benefits (they are seriously wealthy) - if their daughter toed the line and let them see their grandson more often. (he has refused)

They love this little boy so much that they never fail to tell him what a terrible person his Mummy is and what a disgrace he is for loving her.

A few years ago, when he was 5, they evicted Mum and son from the home they'd lived in 14 years and was the only home the little boy knew - and why? Because she didn't do as they ordered.

They have not shown one jot of genuine love or care for him, or their daughter and in my opinion, it is beyond them to do so, even if she jumped to obey every ridiculous order they gave.

She tried this when she was young and they still weren't satisfied, still insulted her and tried to make her do everything their way...and punished her when she didn't.

Such people are incapable of love - they just want power and control.

It may well be that yours are the same.

If that man had come into my house saying the things you posted above, he wouldn't have had time to say the next sentence, he'd have been shown the door and told, as he exited, what I though of his "offers".

I think I'd just laugh and tell him he's very funny - they really don't like it!

Weird situation... I would do a compromise like meeting at a coffee shop and they can pay for the kids' stuff instead of dinner.

And be DIRECT about your feelings and protect your kids. Be as blunt to them as they are to you. If they say something insensitive, point it out..."well..that wasn't nice to say"..."you being older isn't an excuse to say whatevrr you want."... etc.

These people sound bizarre.

Protect your kids, but give the grandparents a chance. Some people are a bit brain dead and insensitive. But stick up for your kids.

@phoenix I've only posted once before a few months ago

First time he mentioned bringing DC over, he just wanted to show them where he lived. He said he could would arrange MIL to be away for the time. He never gave us a date and I never pushed for one. Now it's all rose tinted goggles sitting round the dining table eating and playing board games.

I’d just laugh and say no.
Don’t subject you or your children to anymore of this man.

onlyhereforthebiscuits (phew, that's a long name!)

Are you a new member?

(Forgive me asking, I'm a long term member but have been on here much lately, so might not be completely up to speed!)

I think your father in law had been sent over to offer an olive branch.

Yes it was cackhanded.

Perhaps meet them halfway? Don’t go over for dinner (could be super stressful and you’d be stuck) but suggest an hour with tea & biscuits would be lovely!

A lot of water has gone under the bridge. They might regret a lot. I’d give it a (limited) go.

@M0nica thank you for your reply. I will certainly use what you've said.