Feeling confused about my emotions

I rarely disagree with the sensible advice Bluebelle gives but on this occasion, I think she is wrong to say for you not to be there at the birth at this time. I think that is a decision your daughter must make and one you will probably need to play by ear. There are always ways you can take a step backward if you think your daughter will prefer you to. I was wanted at the birth with my DIL's child but there were lots of times when I thought they needed their privacy so I took a step backwards. She got whipped of for a CS in the end so there wasn't room for me anyway. Hopefully so you will have the sensitivity to know what is best for your daughter and I would certainly let her know that you will abide with whatever she wants giving her the option to change her mind.
There is not much you can do about the relationship per other than to quietly support your daughter. It sounds like the relationship is precarious but she is bound to feel very vulnerable at the moment. My relationship was grinding to a halt when I was pregnant with my first child, repaired a little after the birth before crumbling completely. Deep down I knew it would never work but whilst pregnant I couldn't imagine how I would cope without him. Then the gratitude for the beautiful child he'd given me meant that I was able to overlook certain aspects of his behaviour. Once I'd got into my stride with motherhood I was far more able to make a rational call about the relationship. It might well be your daughter is going through the same thing.

Bide your time - the situation could very much change after the toddler stage - her partner might not be so interested. My daughter's partner also had " rules " for me. Fastforward a few years & he resented the attention, etc. given to his daughter & eventually was off, finding a childless woman quite happy to give him all the attention he seeked. Very difficult for my daughter, as well as my granddaughter but they are so much more relaxed & happy now. Situations can change when you least expect them to. Good luck.

Bluebelle
I don't "need" to be present neither have I "demanded" it!
My Daughter wants me to be there, always has done even before she was pregnant! As I've said, I'm happy to take what I'm offered, I'm the one walking on eggshells around him, not the other way around.

Allsortsofbags
That reply prob nails or on the head!
I'm prob frustrated as I feel my hands are tied in relation to challenging all of them on how they chose to treat her now,and yes I feel I could do damage!

Well now I ve seen two threads and I ve answered on the other one I ll try and remember what I said
So so difficult for you to stand by and watch this unfold
Two people who make a baby should be together for the birth and not having mothers and mother in laws involved (in my opinion) so if I was you Id drop out of needing to be present it’s their time

Of course the affair was born out of their relationship being wrong surely you can see that You can not really believe that the relationship was good while he was with someone else leading a double life
A big mistake in my opinion to take him back but she’s done what she’s done so all you can do is be there for her if and when he does it again and be very aware he may well do as he’s got away with it once and been forgiven
It’s a shame an innocent baby has been brought into this equation but it has so i truly hope that pulls them together and she gets the little family she wants and of course deserves

First issue is you are not "confused about your emotions" you say you "feel angry and jealous". So that's the feelings clearly stated and it's OK to feel your feelings.

You can waste you time and energy telling yourself that "Your Feelings" make you a "horrible person" or you can own those feelings because you know that those feeling are directly related to what is happening in your DD's life.

I'm working on the assumption that your DD's treatment and situation is as you've stated.

If it helps I feel so angry when my DDs are treated badly that if I got the chance I would inflict physical damage on anyone who hurts them. I know lots of people will be unhappy that I wrote that but it's true, sadly these days I'm not as able to do it.

Several years ago I broke a guys nose in a market for slapping DD1 and I don't feel bad about it. Don't think he expected a woman with shopping bags to kick him in the face and brake his nose but my hands were full.

So I'm with you on the feeling angry but as for jealous I'm not sure about.

However, if you are of the opinion that her OH and his family have an inappropriate amount of influence and manipulation where your DD is concerned then I can understand you saying you feel jealous.

So are you jealous or are you "Scared" ?

Scared about the additional damage your DD may suffer from being in a relationship with this man and his family?

Are you also "Angry" with your DD? Angry with her for keeping herself in what seems like a TOXIC relationship ?

I understand that you are "Angry" about the treatment she has already 'Accepted" from this man and his family. Yes he and his family dished out the treatment ...

But by staying and continuing in the relationship your DD is "Accepting" the treatment they have already shown her AND she is also "Giving Permission" to him and his family to continue treating her badly as well as "Giving them Permission" to treat her even worse.

I'm guessing you sort of know these concepts even if you can't put them into the words I use.

If these are some of the things that are worrying you and upsetting your emotional balance that is most understandable.

Now what do you "DO"? AS most people have suggested there really isn't much you can "DO".

It is your DD life. These are her choices, and it's up to her what she chooses to so in the future.

Somehow we parents have to sit back on so many occasions and watch situations we know will leave our AC being hurt and hurting. How comfortable we are doing that depends on who we are, what's happening for us at the time and many, many other factors.

So if you are struggling to sit back and doing nothing (and not inflict harm on him and his family) I understand your frustrations.

Consider from now on talking to your DD in a different way. If it is possible say things like by staying you have "Given him and his family Permission" to treat you badly. Or put another way "Once people get away with bad behaviour they know they can treat you badly again".

One of the big things you can do is ASK your DD what outcome she wants from being with this man, his family once the baby is born. HOW does she think life will be for her and the baby and HOW likely is it that her life will be as she "thinks" will be.

IS there a POINT when his/their bad treatment will go beyond what she can cope with?

WHAT is her plan for that time?

Do you have a plan to help her if/when her world turns upside down?

Get a plan, where she'll live, how she'll pay for it, who'll look after the baby? Those sort of things.

And please do not even think the HE WILL be Reasonable, Pay, Be Kind, help with childcare or anything that is helpful. HE WON"T. KNOW this NOW, help your DD Know this NOW.

Get her to a Counsellor, into Women's Aid to talk to someone, or on there website.

If at all possible enable her to see that she is Very, Very unlikely to EVER have the life she thinks she will have with this man and his family.

Then IF she is happy with this Crappy life, really happy with her Crappy Treatment then you have to find a way to let her have her crappy life with this sh.. and get some counselling to help you cope with her choice.

Good Luck and I wish you, your DD and your soon to be DGC the very best of outcomes.

It does seem as if you are over involved in your daughter's life. I wonder if perhaps it's time to take a step back? Perhaps they will be able to make a go of it if they are left to sort things out for themselves?

Wow!
We have a mother and daughter, close loving relationship always have had. Not sure how me "stepping back" is the issue here.
I'm worrying and concerned for my daughters future and her relationship, how is that interference?
If I chose to do that then she would have left him months ago, if I had to give my opinion. She made her own decisions.
Similarly if I chose to "interfere" then I would have got involved when his family have reduced her to tears with their drama causing.

Oh another one I am going to say the same thing. It's always a mistake to go back after having once decided to split up. If a problem couldn't be solved together in the first place, it won't have solved itself during the separation.

I wonder if you would be better to leave the couple to just be the two of them for the delivery. It is SUCH a special time for a couple.

I am surprised when you say his affair was nothing to do with their relationship and just an ego boost for him and a bit of excitement. I think it has a great deal to do with their relationship and is very, very worrying. I am sorry this pregnancy is proving less than happy for her and for you.

CarlyD7 has some good advice about reassuring your daughter. She does need to know that you will always be there.

I can’t fathom out why the in-laws are being horrible to your Dd when he is the one in the wrong.
It doesn’t make sense.

They sound a bit unhinged.
Have you any idea why they treat your Dd like that?

I do wonder if your daughter has become pregnant in a hopeful attempt to heal their relationship? I've seen this happen time and time again, and the only thing it does is to put a strain on the cracks that are already there, sadly. I applaud your attempts to keep out of their relationship. However, I don't think it is interfering to say to her that you only want her to be safe and happy, and you're worried about her (and the baby); that you will always be there to support her if she needs you. Her partner sounds like a waste of space (and his family worse). It never ceases to amaze me how little some women think they deserve.

It does seem as if you are over involved in your daughter's life. I wonder if perhaps it's time to take a step back? Perhaps they will be able to make a go of it if they are left to sort things out for themselves?

So what if the father of your daughters forthcoming child decides on another as you refer to it 'Ego boost' once his child arrives? Will he go running to mummy and daddy who it appears take his side regardless of your daughters feelings? Your daughter has experience of his 'affair' and she is old enough to make decisions as to whether she wishes to stay with this what appears an extremely immature mummy's boy.Would you be prepared to let daughter and her child live with you ?as from what I see this man is very much under his parents 's influence.Which is far from, as one comment shows , being 'such a bad thing. Only when this thirty year old grows some and takes full responsibility for his actions can this relationship survive.

Why wouldn't he go to couples counselling if he truly wanted a new start with her? I think the relationship sounds controlling and potentially harmful...
But, you must on no account say anything negative about him to your daughter and please at all times be (as you say you are) open to your daughter, consistent and caring.

The worst time for insecure/controlling partners us when there us a new baby so just "be" there to pick up the pieces if it all falls apart.

I know it's hard to sit on your hands but you do need to do it. Good luck, and I hope your daughter has a simple, straightforward birth.

You've done so well in not speaking your mind so far so keep that up, not easy I'm sure. Right now your daughter needs you so try to ignore everything and everybody else. After the birth once your daughter is stronger and more settled she may feel like talking about it all and you can be there for her then if she decides on any drastic changes.

Narnia, a difficult situation for you. Perhaps the only actions you can take to support your daughter are peace making talk when the situations arise, and helpful actions for your daughter that the in laws cannot take offence at.

It seems your son in law is much influenced by his own parents. Is so that is bad for your daughter. I can understand this frustrates your natural and good desire to help the help the young couple and their baby. But you have no choice but to continue as peacemaker .

4allweknow.
He was given an opportunity and took it. No reflection on how his relationship was with my daughter, but more him feeling overwhelmed with the responsibility of having a home, bills and a new job.
Not that they had issues within their relationship, they continued to have holidays etc and live a seemingly "happy life"
Nobody suspected his other life, not even his family. He was an excellent liar.

Reading your posts again it does seem as though the partner is the key to this situation. If his parents are controlling and cause misery then that has to change. He must put your daughter and the baby first. As others have said, things may change after the birth, but if he hasn't shown his loyalties are with them by the baby's first birthday, and either he or his parents are still causing problems after a year, then your daughter may be better off walking away from the relationship. It all depends on how her partner deals with his role as a father and how he deals with his parents. Your daughter can never be happy if her partner or his family continue to behave like this into the future.

How on earth can a long term affair not have anything to do with their relationship and all for an ego boost. Sorry but the whole problem could have been sorted out then ie stopped. Now a child is going to be involved! You have to leave the situation for the couple to sort out but, support your DD when needed acknowledging it will be difficult to stay back but you cannot live their life for them.

They are not particularly young nor immature. He's 30,my Daughter is 26
Both have good, responsible jobs. His mum for sure does "pull his strings"
I think she likes to say things to him that she knows he will take home and cause a row.
I/we do support our daughter as much as possible, but I feel we have lost a bit of her along the way.
The baby is very wanted by everyone, even tho the timing could not have been worse.
I know and from what I've read on here that there often is rivalry between grandparents but this goes beyond that at the moment and I can only see it becoming worse when the baby is born.

Your daughter and her baby should run a mile from him and his nasty family. They don't need them. They need love and caring not hate and control. I hope she leaves him. Just keep being there for her x

My heart goes out to you. I had this situation for 15 years he was violent too. My daughter thought/hoped he'd change he didn't but in a lightening strike moment.
She had enough, 3 children later, but she's now in a stable and good relationship, thank goodness. My worry has eased,but my son who had to go through it all with me is relieved but can't forget she took away some of his childhood with it all.

I think you are right not to speak out to your daughter's in-laws.

Try not to worry so much that it affects your health, I know it is hard not to, but please do try.

When the baby is born things will change. A lot of women who were self-effacing before becoming mothers turn into tigresses in defence of their young.

Support your daughter as much as you can, but do make it clear that it is her baby and she should do things her way.

Her partner sounds controlling - it isn't his decision who should be at the birth after all. Actually, he sounds like a right piece of work and no-one's dream son-in-law, but least said soonest mended there.

I hope the family dynamics change for the better once the baby is born.