rude or not

My mum once asked what our boys wanted for Xmas. I said they would appreciate money please as they could then choose themselves and enjoy spending it. They were 10-13 sort of age. My mum then complained they were far too materialistic! She then bought them Painting by numbers which never got done!!

Of course it was hurtful when the OP had presumably gone to some trouble to find what she thought her Gdd would like.

Though having said that, that age is notoriously difficult to buy for! So much is fashion/trend led, or ‘what everybody else’ has. A token gift of something edible plus cash is probably the way to go, or at least a gift receipt, so items can be changed.

I still include a gift receipt with any clothing for dds or SiLs, even when I’m pretty sure the item is Ok or what they’ve asked for.

Don't dwell on it, I don't really think that it's rude at least you know not to waste your money next year. If she doesn't like them then so be it. £10 in a card is fine next year.

It was rude to complain on Facebook. Do they know you will see it?
This year DSs told me exactly what the DGC wanted. Only the tinies had surprises.
I wouldn't want anyone to buy my night clothes for me. I'm very fussy

Best to say nothing crazy fam. Just give money from now on. Don't dwell on it. It really isn't worth it!

I think it would have been better to accept them with good grace, and next year, in plenty of time, ask for money to put towards something she wants. I’m sure that would suit everyone.

I would just put money in a card, either that or ask if there is something specific. Changed days, I accept any gift with good grace, always have done. I feel lucky that folk make an effort to get me anything. Young ones now are so fussy. For some of them if it's not the latest designer gear or what their pals have they are not interested. Mind you, some adults are just as bad. In our family when I was wee, we didn't have the luxury of being fussy.

I received three scarves for Christmas. I don’t wear scarves. One is from a family member and two from friends. No gift receipts.

Do I tell each of them that I don’t like their gift or do I recycle the scarves or put them away (with a note about who gave what) and ‘regift’ them elsewhere next Christmas?

But it’s not being ‘a fussy little madam,’ a 15 yr old just would not want gloves scarf and hat, that stops at 8 at most but yes it is being a bit rude to message you about it and dear crazyfam the right pyjamas are definitely necessary to a 15 year old, not just any old pjs
Ask next time and get links not nearly so much fun but very very necessary
Try not to take it to heart you don’t want your granddaughter lying to you and saying they re wonderful, if she did you might buy them again next year

That’s more than enough for the fussy little madam.

Suggest you ask for the offending items back and send them to a charity. Plenty of families could use these.

Of course it’s rude. Slip a £10 inside her Christmas card next year.

I do feel kindness is important too and see what you’re saying...but I think interactions around gifts with family usually mirror the rest of the relationship...and there, sometimes it can be that kindness (to the point of capitulation) is expected (demanded) one way only and actually really means opinions are viewed as acceptable one way only.
My mother is brutally honest about how she feels about gifts and it can smart when I’ve put the thought in, but the honesty in our relationship is valuable. I suspect the upset caused by the feedback and the feedback itself are both projections of other things going on within the relationship. No easy or straightforward answers when that’s the case.

Seems to have been handled a bit insensitively but I would never never never buy clothes for any of my teens without a link even my grandsons NiKe socks had a link because there are so many different styles and sorts

Obviously honestly is really important, but sometimes a white lie can avoid a lot of hurt.

This takes us back to what kind of a relationship you have with your family, personally I would have no problem at all if someone asked if I minded if they changed something, but I could never do it myself, I couldn’t bear to see anyone disappointed, when they had put thought into buying a gift.

So if the question was, would I prefer my children to be honest or kind, I’d prefer them to be kind every time.

What an interesting read to see how many people value politeness more than honesty even with their nearest and dearest. I have told my children that a veneer or politeness is important when we’re together in the wider world but within our four walls, honesty is prized the most. My Mum often used to tell me that I said things to her that she wouldn’t dare say to her parents...then one day she sat on the end of my bed and told me she’d be thinking about it and maybe she should have been more honest with her parents.
I absolutely would feel the same knee-jerk hurt reaction...but I would view that as my emotions to deal with. And would ask what would be best to sort it for this year and what’s best for next year. If cash is the preferred gift then that’s what I give...because In my opinion gifts are meant to please the receiver not give the giver a “fix”. Politeness is important of course, but within my immediate family not at the expense of honesty.
I also use texting/messaging to give messages I would struggle to give verbally. I think that’s fair enough too. I struggle to push back with my sister even after all these years so use texting...but as she freely admits she finds it hard when I have an opinion that doesn’t suit her...it’s hardly surprising.

As its your daughter making the comment and not your granddaughter crazyfam I would be inclined to check this a bit more. You say your relationship is not great so maybe things are not as they seem. Your granddaughter should have thanked you though.
Teenagers can be self absorbed and thoughtless.

Notanan

I agree, but in this instance, I think it’s been badly handled.

Yes Sara agree it sounds like the relationship is not great anyway, im which case it probably shouldnt have been broached

But I dont think its a universally rude thing to do IYKWIM

I now gift cash for birthdays and Christmas so the recipients can buy something they want
Giftcards limit where they can buy from and with so many huge retailers going bust according to Martin Lewis your money is lost in this instance so cash is also the safer option

Every present ever received from my mother in law, was not what I liked, but what she wanted me to like, she saw me almost every day, but still for some odd reason she thought I’d like nice Edinburgh Wool jumpers, and fancy blouses.

I never ever said I didn’t like them, but you would have thought she’d catch on when I never wore any of them.

Notanan

I agree about what you said about exchanging presents if necessary, I wouldn’t be bothered myself.

But this has obviously been done in an upsetting way, and I honestly don’t think a couple of pairs of pyjamas are worth all the upset.

Seems like OPs family are very careless of her feelings, and I think that’s unkind.

Some people dont realise that some facebook groups like local seling groups theyre on are "open"

At least by selling it someone will use it I suppose

All my gifts were things I like or love. I am sure every gift I bought others was liked too... I make sure to know what people I care about like and if I'm not sure I ask and they tend to do the same thing I suppose. My mother would always get me things I dont like. She would actually get things she knew I wanted for herself and rub my nose in it. Not exactly the point here but I suppose it has made me a careful gift giver. I would rather someone told me they didn't like something because giving is about making the recipient happy, not to make me happy.

Re the mince pie example, may be rude on face value, buy what if its the 5th batch theyve been given? How many do you bin before you do something about it?

A friend of my D bought his Mother a present and this morning she is trying to sell it on Facebook which she knows he reads, they are friends on there, as an unwanted present.
Now that is rude and very hurtful.