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Bank of Mum and Dad

(102 Posts)
Judy54 Wed 01-Jan-20 17:37:28

Why is it that some adult children cannot manage financially and still rely on Mum and Dad to bail them out? A lovely couple we know have 3 children in their forties all working, married with their own children and their own homes. Admittedly they probably have big mortgages but do not appear to budget according to their needs. They don't go to Mum and Dad for help when their car breaks down, the boiler is not working or they are unable to feed their children. It is to fund a luxury lifestyle that they feel entitled to expensive holidays, designer clothes and the latest gadgets. Perhaps they should think more about their parents and their needs in their older years rather than putting themselves first. What do you think?

Teddy5005 Sat 04-Jan-20 14:08:51

Good god ! Asked my own well off Dad with much difficulty to loan me some money as my divorce was going through. Was training as a nurse , had no money left for proper food . Without asking why I had asked he replied ‘ I don’t have that sort of money ‘ he then went on another holiday . My parents never gave me a penny ! Had to eat rubbish food or nothing to keep going . I only needed it until my house was sold . So do not have much sympathy I’m afraid 😧

tickingbird Sat 04-Jan-20 09:52:18

I have 3 sons and have helped them all at varying times. However, they know they have to manage their own lives and budgets. I have a friend who has always overspent and her parents have had to pay off her credit card bills on several occasions. In her early 60’s now and still the same. It doesn't instil a sense of responsibility. We all love our children but that doesn’t mean just giving them money. Bringing children up to be responsible adults, capable of running their lives and, in turn, taking care of their own children is surely the aim.

Madgran77 Fri 03-Jan-20 20:03:59

Nighsky2 Thankyou!

FlexibleFriend Fri 03-Jan-20 14:47:17

I've never received any money from anyone as my parents both died in my early teens but when I received my pension lump sum I did give both my sons a reasonable chunk of it. They were extremely grateful.
I've tried to instill financial responsibility into them from a young age and believe I've been successful.

M0nica Fri 03-Jan-20 08:52:50

Quite simple, when our parents died we received money from their estates. In each case we gave our children a lump sum from the money we received.

Nightsky2 Fri 03-Jan-20 08:27:16

Madgran77. Excellent post. We have helped our children with mortgages etc, because we could effort to and wanted to. I see no harm in that.

Monica. You sound so full of it!. So glad that you were such a strict parent ( I was strict over all matters financial) but I don’t quite understand the bit where you say, ‘to pass on any spare cash you receive ‘. We didn’t receive any spare cash, we earned it.

newnanny Thu 02-Jan-20 23:37:30

I was always very grateful to my Dad when he lent me money to but first car. I paid back every penny. I have let my children borrow money for car repairs so they could continue working and car insurance too. They have always paid me back quickly. I have offered to pay 2 days childcare every month for grandcholdren as i am too far away to help my daughter out. My Mum looked acter my children 2 mornings each week so i could continue to work part time. I was always so very grateful for helping hand and my children have told me they are grateful too. I would not be lending money for luxury holidays though. If dd or SiL could not work and struggled with mortgage I would offer help, but only because I can afford too. My children have never expected help and i always make it clear if money should be repaid or is gift.

grannyactivist Thu 02-Jan-20 23:27:58

My sons and daughters alike all had part time jobs from the age of 14, at which time they also received a clothing allowance. They then had to budget for, buy, wash and iron their own clothes. They were all proficient cooks/ bakers by the time they left home and knew how to clean a bathroom/toilet, work a washing machine and clean up after themselves. Except for mortgages and student loans they don’t have debts.

I like to treat my children because I love them and I couldn’t afford anything but the basics when they were younger; I get enormous pleasure from being able to pay for a few niceties, especially for their children. None of them have any expectations and I know if they never had another penny from me it wouldn’t matter to them in the slightest.

Smileless2012 Thu 02-Jan-20 22:25:18

instagran both our boys could cook, wash and iron. I remember the first time I asked DS to do some ironing, he made a proper mess of it and said along the lines of 'oh dear I'm obviously not very good at this mum', so I got him to do it again as 'practice makes perfect'smile.

Yennifer Thu 02-Jan-20 22:18:47

I was the recipient of an unwanted loan. My mother actually took out a savings bond when I was tiny and when it paid out she made me give it to her then later said it didn't exist. Later in life when I needed help my mother paid for it, told everyone she had paid for it and then made me pay it back while still telling me I mustnt tell anyone I was doing so. I wish I had estranged her then, at least I would then have back what she stole and convinced me didn't exist.

Norah Thu 02-Jan-20 21:49:54

Yes I provide for my daughters and their children, why not?

instagran Thu 02-Jan-20 21:07:06

Oh Dinhmo, 18.07, was that the play where Mum, played by a harrassed Gwen Watford, was still ironing for and taking up trays of bedtime cocoa to four children in their thirties? That scene, as a young newlywed engraved itself indelibly on my young mind. Both children learned to iron from the age of about twelve with minimal bribery and coercion!

Madgran77 Thu 02-Jan-20 20:45:04

There’s a lot of bleating about all manner of unfortunate behaviour by children on various threads on this site. Perhaps the fault lay in the past, not the present. It takes hard work and dedication to create a rounded child, which continues throughout through support and guidance within the wider family.

That seems a rather simplistic description of the reality of relationships, upbringing, the influence of upbringing, nature versus nurture, relationships made in adulthood, circumstances in adult life and much more! If there are problems, yes the fault MAY be in the past but not necessarily. And as this comment was in relation to some GPs who are scared to stop support in case they lose contact with the Grandchildren … there do seem to be a lot of assumptions being made without any further information.

Smileless2012 Thu 02-Jan-20 20:09:19

No, you don't always reap what you sow ExperiencedNotOld. You appear to be implying that the friends of the OP's AC is either weak or her friends didn't put in enough "hard work and dedication to create a rounded child".

You'd be amazed and perhaps horrified to see how some AC turn out despite the hard work and dedication that went into raising them, and the continued support and guidance available from their wider family.

Eloethan Thu 02-Jan-20 20:03:11

As to the comment about people handing over money to children to avoid inheritance tax, that may be true in some cases (although I'm not sure large amounts can just be transferred without incurring some form of tax) but, contrary to popular opinion, the vast majority of couples do not have enough value in their estate to make them liable for inheritance tax.

ExperiencedNotOld Thu 02-Jan-20 19:58:57

“Judy posted this afternoon on the previous page that her friends are worried that if they don't give financial support, they will lose what little contact they have” - harsh as this will sound, you reap what you sow. AC don’t suddenly become greedy/materialistic/only interested in what they can get. Apart from when, perhaps, a weak individual becomes under the strong influence of another.
There’s a lot of bleating about all manner of unfortunate behaviour by children on various threads on this site. Perhaps the fault lay in the past, not the present. It takes hard work and dedication to create a rounded child, which continues throughout through support and guidance within the wider family.

Eloethan Thu 02-Jan-20 19:56:47

All these people who go on about not having washing machines, telephones, etc when they were young are being a little short-sighted in my opinion.

When we married we didn't have a car, or a TV, and only got a twin tub washing machine on the birth of our daughter. Then there were buckets of terry towelling nappies soaking in sterilising fluid, not disposable nappies as are available today.

But when my Mum and Dad got married they had no vacuum cleaner or washing machine. Clothes and sheets were hand washed and a mangle used or, in later years, there was a bus ride to the launderette. There was no central heating - just paraffin fires in the downstairs rooms.

My Mum used to recall how her mother would use strips of towelling for sanitary protection, which had to be boiled after use.

And. even in later years, my other grandparents (despite being very comfortably off) had no fridge but used a larder under the stairs, and no car. They thought my parents purchasing a small fridge was very extravagant and unnecessary.

It's silly to compare one age with another. What was rare then is commonplace now and to expect people to live without things that virtually every household has - and which TV adverts constantly remind them about - is ridiculous. We live in a society that encourages, indeed demands, consumption and when people stop consuming there is then a panic about falling "growth" and the hope expressed that people will start buying again.

notanan2 Thu 02-Jan-20 19:53:55

what on earth does it have to do with you. Judy54

The OP hasn't gone rifling through these people's bank statements in the bin to find out what they give their kids!

They have been complaining about it to the OP. That's what it has to do with her.

Nightsky2 Thu 02-Jan-20 19:41:29

Smileless2012. Thank you.

Smileless2012 Thu 02-Jan-20 19:32:30

Judy posted this afternoon on the previous page that her friends are worried that if they don't give financial support, they will lose what little contact they have Nightsky, so it doesn't sound as if they "quite happy" about the situation or are wanting to avoid inheritance tax.

From what we've been told, it sounds as if they are doing so out of fear of being cut out if they don't.

There does seem to be an increasing number of adverts on the television, encouraging P's to go for equity release to help AC onto the housing ladder and/or give them their inheritance early.

Of course there's nothing wrong with this if that's what people want to do but it's awful to think some P's are giving financial help because they're afraid of what might happen if they don't.

Nightsky2 Thu 02-Jan-20 19:21:24

Judy54. It’s none of your business is it?. That lovely couple you know are probably quite happy helping their children financially and might well be letting them have the money now to avoid inheritance tax. I’m sure they don’t tell you everything, I certainly hope not. I’m sure they are only giving what they can efford to give and are more than happy to do so.

M0nica Thu 02-Jan-20 18:55:22

Cuppafful This exactly what I think, which is why I was strict over all matters financial in my DC's early adult years.

While it is lovely to be able to help your children and pass on any spare cash you receive. So many of the threads of woe and estrangement, come from parents who have been always helped their children and protected their children from every passing cool breeze, they have been over generous and over nurturing and now have children who measure their parents's love in £s, with the more 0s on the end the better, or want cars, or holidays.

When that happens we all advise a bit of tough love, stop giving and bailing out, we tell them, they have been too generous.

Much better to begin with a small dose of tough love, so that AC learn to handle money quickly and realise the effects of over spending and not to see parents as an ever open purse.

Later on, if you can afford it, you can be more generous.

EthelJ Thu 02-Jan-20 18:47:21

To be honest I would say it's their business really. It's up to the parents whether they give their adult children money and others shouldn't judge. I know one couple who give their adult children money because will go to them eventually anyway so they may as well give it to them now while it is more useful.

cupaffull Thu 02-Jan-20 18:38:08

I'm sorry but I believe a bit of hardship is character forming and leads to resilience in the future. When you work for things you appreciate them more!
ExperiencedNotOld was on the nail. Needs are very different to wants.

I forget the quote exactly but there is a saying...."the amount of times your children will visit you is in direct correlation to the amount of money you have in your bank."
So I feel for Judys friends when they try to say No to their "entitled" children. It's difficult to change the pattern of a lifetime.

Dinahmo Thu 02-Jan-20 18:07:24

I remember seeing a play on tv about 20 years ago, about a couple whose 30 somethings had moved back home. The parents were getting fed up with doing their clothes washing, the cooking and having complaints about the choice of newspaper on the breakfast table. The children were comfortably off it was just that home was better. The parents started to talk about down sizing and in the end sold the house and moved out leaving the children to fend for themselves.