Am I wrong?

NannyKisses
I am sorry you feel so upset.
I wouldn't approach your brother about it instead I would just leave it, try to forget it and chalk it up to experience. And maybe not be so generous next year.
You sound very low at the moment and it can be easy to dwell on things when we feel down and alone. Do you have any friends where nearby that you can talk to?

I think they are very rude and ungrateful. I give my own grown up children no more than £50 gift at Xmas, never mind a niece.
I wouldn’t send anything next year. I stopped sending gifts to my godson and god daughter for that very reason, never getting a thank you.
And if they ask why, then tell them!
Manners cost nothing!

Nanny kisses, when you say "but please be kind as I feel very low & unwanted atm x" I meant to say I really appreciate how you feel. I think Christmas is an especially sad time and feelings of unhappiness, loneliness, and generally being despondent are most prevalent at this time. The awful adverts of "families" having perfect Christmases, or going on wonderful family holidays or setting off happily to the Sales only enlarge those feelings of isolation and unhappiness in us. It is probably true that most people are feeling that anti-climax now, after the revels of Christmas and New Year, even those whose holiday period went reasonably well.
I can only say please do look after yourself. You may be a bit run down too, so some vitamins might help. But molly-coddle yourself with a nice cup of tea/coffee and a biscuit, treat yourself to a lazy day or a trip out or anything you want. Just be kind to yourself. Ignore those selfish people. They probably will learn their lesson one day. Try not to let the awful Sil's behaviour impinge on your feelings or thoughts because she is not worth it. Don't try to work out how she could behave like that because you won't understand, you are a reasonable and kind person who to put it simply plays fair, she is an unreasonable, manipulative and selfish person who uses other people so that she can get what she wants. You will never be able to understand how she could think it was ok to behave like that because you are a decent, kind and - well, frankly, normal person! She is one of those who does not give a fig about others and does not care about anyone but herself or her own daughter. These types, once you discover them, are best avoided as far as possible. Keep conversation to a minimum. Your replies to their questions are simple statements of your position, e.g. I give £50 to nieces. Whatever she says next, your reply is the same, same polite voice, same tone same words, "I give £50 to nieces". Or you may even cut back next time.... "As I gave you double my normal gift, that Is £100 last Christmas, I have had to cut back to £20 this time." It might not be a bad thing to let the niece know she received £100. It's such a lot for a niece! Even my children did not get that much!

Good luck, my love, don't let yourself get low, do something you enjoy if you can. Ignore the stupid people. My friend always said "Don't let the Burgers* get to you!" (*change the r for a g). ☕️?

Cid24 I stopped sending gifts to my godson and god daughter for that very reason, never getting a thank you.

Me too! You reminded me!

I'm sorry you had a difficult time at Christmas nannykisses but as others have said you need to learn from this and move on. At 10 years old your niece is certainly old enough to thank you herself for your generous gift.
I don't think there should be any expectation of a return for a gift, it should be given without strings. Next year plan something nice for yourself at Christmas, a short holiday or spending the day with friends. In this way you can have a nice time and your family will have the normal amount spent on them as you are paying for your holiday / lunch.

Reading this thread and all the replies has got me rethinking the gifts that I give. I usually spend Christmas Day with my family and so thanks are given at the time. However this year, due to an unexpected illness, I stayed home on my own.
One nephew sent me a lovely thankyou email on behalf of his family, to which I replied thanking him for my gift also. From the other nephew and his family (four of them) I have heard nothing although I wrote them a proper thank you letter and posted it on the Saturday after Christmas. From my brother and SIL nothing either, although I spoke to my brother on the phone to thank him and the response I got was he couldn't remember what I'd given him (exactly what he asked for, which is more than I got!)
I feel greatly for the OP and everyone else here with thankless family. I believe we should all stop giving anything to this ungrateful lot and think I'm now done in the gift-giving stakes myself. I'm going to spend the not inconsiderable amount of money on myself instead from now on.

You have expectations of them they don't want to meet
You sound like the money was to get an invite
That would have paid for a hotel !
Anyone who gives towards a £300 phone for a 10 year old is wrong

This sounds horrible and I am truly sorry for you. No more presents! I knew a very wise lady, now passed on who had a very similar problem. Her grandchildren from one son never rang to say thank you, so she decided the next year that she would send them a cheque which ‘silly Grandma’ would ‘forget’ to sign! Worked a treat.

You don't seem to be getting any joy from this relationship so I would suggest not buying gifts in the future.
I have stopped buying for people who really have more than enough and instead buy items for Food banks.I get pleasure from selecting Christmas treats which I hope will bring some cheer to those in need.
I don't have children so it doesn't apply in my case but I gave up buying for Neice and Nephews a long time ago when I realised I wasn't really relevant to their lives.

People are thoughtless, it is annoying but I’ve learnt that you can’t expect people to behave as you would want them to. You will probably think twice about being so generous next time.

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so sad. Its not a good world for everyone. You did a very good thing to help and feel upset. Its not your fault as sometimes others are so ungrateful. I sent my Grandaughter presents and my daughter said they were no use. Pygamas and hat scarf and gloves as she had £150 last xmas for an organ and i gave her less this year. I asked that the things be returned, saw them today but daughter forgot to bring presents. It will be months till i see them again.

My partner has 3 sons, all in steady relationships, one with 2 daughters. I have one daughter who is single. My daughter always invites us for Christmas or for the weekend as she lives 109 miles away. The sons are all within 10 minutes drive. You can guess the rest. We did not see the sons over Christmas at all. They entertained their mum though. We never receive invites for a drink or meal or even a mince pie and sherry. Daughter came for Christmas, brought gifts, food, alcohol etc.
Consequently , we have booked to go away next Christmas as that’s what we want to do. Daughter will join us when she finishes work as there is room in the rental.
I think we overcompensate at Christmas and now we all need to look after ourselves after being unselfish for so many years.

Everybody is saying the sister in law shouldn’t have asked for money BUT she didn’t ask she did exactly what Nannykisses did, she threw out a big hint nannykisses bless her fell for it. sister in law (Meanie) didn’t that’s really all
The child may not have thanked you for it because she may not know the majority of the money came from you Never a good idea to pay for a joint present unless you totally trust the other s involved

Nanny kisses does your niece know how much you gave her? Her mother may just say that lots gave her money. Xxx

I think you learned the hard way.do t do it again.mr.i would have told her that icouldnt afford it.the parents should have bought the gifts not you.after all they did have tbe money.seems they only need you when they short of money.

And your brother? Where does he fit in to all this? I would expect communication to come from him as he is your biological family.

loveOc I completely understand where you are coming from. I have a son and DIL who treat us very similarly, particularly the DIL. I have recently written a post regarding my hurt feelings at being excluded from Christmas 2020 - which my son text me to advise 2 days after this Christmas, one we shared with him, DIL and my beloved GC.
NannyKisses a big hug for you. You have been wrongly treated, when you have been so generous to your niece. You also showed your vulnerability by reaching out to your SIL by expressing your loneliness at Christmas and was cruelly ignored. I would express how hurt you feel and I would also text your niece and let her know how much you contributed to her gift.
X

I do wonder if a lot has been lost in translation.

The message about the niece being short of money for an iPad could have been a way of asking for contributions, rather than asking for all of the money. Sometimes it is better that a present is shared between givers, and the recipient gets one thing that they really want, rather than lots of things that they are less keen on. I remember the countless embroidered hankies and bath cubes I was given as a child - obviously iPads didn't exist then, but it might have been a better use of my aunts' money for them to club together (maybe via my mum) and get me the talking doll that I really wanted and never got . These days, children do get an awful lot of plastic 'tat' at Christmas, and it could be that the SIL was trying to avoid this, rather than being manipulative and grasping, as has been suggested (without evidence) on so many posts.

As I said in a previous post, another place where there may have been mixed messages is in the texts where the SIL did thank the OP for the money (twice) and may have assumed that this meant that there was no need for her daughter to do the same, so a matter of differing expectations, rather than a snub. It may be that she assumed that her husband had sent a thank-you - I'm not sure why the SIL is getting all the blame for the situation. A ten year old would not necessarily have the means to thank the OP without parental help when her aunt lives a distance away. Does she have access to contact details and so on? I'm not at all sure that mine would have done at that age. I sat them down to write or phone their thank-yous, but I don't think they could have done it themselves.

The message about Christmas is yet another possible mix-up. If the OP is not usually manipulative, the message could have been taken at face value, rather than as an indirect request for an invitation, and it is not fair to expect people to read more into a message than is on the surface, particularly in a text, as they are notoriously ambiguous at times.

I'm not sure that all the messages saying that the OP has been badly treated are fair to either side, and the suggestions that she should stop all gifts and cut contact seem to me a bit of a knee-jerk reaction to what may be a misunderstanding all round. Cutting off family when you are already lonely is a big step, and may not be in the interests of the OP, who is, as she says, feeling vulnerable and sad already.

100% agree with Doodledog.
Sorry you are feeling low NannyKisses but don’t overreact to the lack of a thank you at this stage. It’s still early days for a thank you letter. Let things lie, and if things don’t improve then you can decide what (if anything) to give your niece next birthday/ Christmas.

I totally agree with doodledog I don’t think any of it has necessarily been done on purpose I think there has been a number of crossed expectations and things acted on with a bit of a knee jerk reaction I also think the offer of a donation not the whole amount was all that was hoped for
nannykisses I think you need to see it a bit differently

BlueBelle is quite right. Everybody is busy at Christmas. Of course, it's polite to say thank you but some people don't feel that it's necessary.

NannyKisses now regrets having given so much and there has been misunderstanding. It's time to put it down to experience, learn from it, put it in the past - and move on to a Happy New Year!

I agree with Doodledog that there may have been a misunderstanding about the financing of the iPad. I don't read any suggestion that SiL was hinting that the OP should send £100. It seems to have been mentioned in conversation and nannykisses took it upon herself to supply the shortfall, a very nice gesture indeed. Gifts shouldn't come with strings though and there is no point expecting an invitation to dinner or, sadly, a thank you from her niece, although the SiL did send a text to say 'it was very kind of you'. It would have been better coming from the little girl but really one 'thank you' should be enough. I agree that step-brother should be more at the forefront in nannykisses relationship with this family, and it definitely should be DD making Christmas arrangements with nannykisses, no matter what the difficulties with her DH.
Incidentally, it's not always the parents' fault if the children don't say 'thank you' either. An elderly friend of mine told me she was complaining to her GD after last Christmas that she had not received any thank you letters from her GGC when one of the little ones piped up (very politely) "Well GGM, I drew you a picture and you didn't send me a thank you letter either." As they laughed at the little one, GD said, "Well actually that's true GM, I send you a present every year and you've never written or phoned to thank me either. I always phone you." She told me it had never occurred to her to thank the younger ones for their gifts except when she next saw them which could be quite some time later. Fortunately there is a lot of love in the family and GGM is not easily offended and this year she told me, for the first time in her 80+ years, she sent out 'thank you' cards to the younger generation and really enjoyed looking again at her presents and appreciating the thought that went into them as she wrote them. She has also had quite a lot more thank you letters and calls from her family too. Are we sure all we Grans are good examples to the little ones?

I feel exactly the same for some reason a lot of kids these days don’t seem to have basic manners. Saying thank you should come naturally.

I am in the process of writing myself a note, listing the things I have not been happy with this Christmas. I shall put it on the calendar for November to remind me not to make the same mistakes next Christmas.