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Am I wrong?

(126 Posts)
NannyKisses Fri 03-Jan-20 15:46:27

My Sil told me my 10 yr old niece was £100 short to buy the iPad she wanted for Christmas. I don’t usually spend that much on her I usually give her £50 for Christmas but I felt bad that she wouldn’t have the present she really wanted.
Even though I had text my sil a few weeks earlier which said;

“ I’m feeling really lonely & sad as no one has invited me for Christmas & the little family I have left which includes you & my Brother haven’t even asked me”

Well I didn’t get a reply but I could see she had read it
I emailed my sil £100 & text her to tell her, no reply so I asked if had received it 4hrs later she texted back saying that was very kind of you, now she won’t have to dip into her own savings account, I was under the impression that if she didn’t have the £100 she was short she wouldn’t be able to get it
Well I was expecting a thank you text at least, a phone call would be better
So a week after Christmas I text to see if they had a nice Christmas & if my niece had got her iPad & did she know that I had sent her Christmas money & a thank you text or call would be really lovely
I received a text saying that my niece was really grateful to everyone who gave her money
I don’t want to sound like an awful person but my sil had told me that her & my brother were buying my niece some presents & giving her £150 for Christmas the iPad was £300 I gave her £100 so that leaves £50 for the “everyone” who gave her money
I really wanted to do something nice even though I felt really hurt that she didn’t even bother about texting me back after I sent her the text about me feeling lonely at Christmas.
Am I wrong to feel hurt about this?
My 2 granddaughters automatically phone or send thank you cards for gifts they receive, I taught my D to do that & she’s taught her Daughters
Apart from this we have always got on, they live 3hrs drive away but we meet up or they come to me & for a weekend once or twice a year. I feel very unappreciated to the point were I won’t be spending more than the £50 that Iv given every Christmas & birthdays in future. And I feel like this has put a spanner in the works with our relationship & she is awful at keeping in contact so if I don’t call or text her she probably won’t notice or call or text me ever again 😢
Any advice or opinions would be really appreciated, but please be kind as I feel very low & unwanted atm x

Namsnanny Fri 03-Jan-20 16:02:18

Oh dear how very upsetting for you Nannykisses ... I think given en what you say, I would feel the same way.
Family can be very .....thoughtless(?) Sometimes
It looks as though your email (about not being invited) has hit a cord somewhat. Hence the lack of communication?

But it seems rude (or planned cruelty?) Not to get a thank you of some sorts from your niece. Does she a actually know you gave her extra money?

No advice e really from me just keep your chin up flowers

Granarchist Fri 03-Jan-20 16:11:21

no thank - you - no present next year. If her parents have not brought her up to write thank yous then she is old enough for you to explain (nicely) that she should always write not only to express thanks but also to confirm she received the money (we were always made to write thank yous first to anyone who gave us money). I have grandchildren who have written since they were old enough to copy their name, but a niece and nephew who have never ever thanked us for our gifts. Its tough if their parents have not taught them good manners but long term it is an invaluable skill.

Luckygirl Fri 03-Jan-20 16:12:53

That is a huge amount of money to send - I do not even give gifts to nieces and nephews at all! And actually spend less than this on my GC at Christmas - £20 at Xmas and £50 at birthdays.

It is a shame that you were manipulated into this - they sound a really selfish and thoughtless lot!

I do hope that 2020 will bring good things your way, and I am sorry that Christmas did not live up to hopes. Take a hug from me. flowers

Esther1 Fri 03-Jan-20 16:22:51

They are indeed thoughtless - well, rude actually. I feel for you.

aggie Fri 03-Jan-20 16:27:50

Did your DD ask you to spend Christmas with her and your GC ?

CleoPanda Fri 03-Jan-20 16:33:23

Rude, thoughtless, manipulative and unkind. Not nice in any way. I’ve never bought for wider family and £100 sounds an enormous gift for a thoughtless, almost unappreciative family. My advice would be to forget about it, disregard them and Concentrate on your kinder, thoughtful relatives and enjoy giving to them. You have high standards, some people don’t. I’m growling and annoyed on your behalf!!

NannyKisses Fri 03-Jan-20 16:41:47

Thank you all so much. It helps to know I’m not overthinking it & that manners cost nothing

Aggie no my son in law is very controlling & doesn’t seem to like me very much. He doesn’t even see his mother. So I spent it all alone

Namanny I don’t know if she knows how much I gave her, when I asked her mum didn’t say, she’s very good at not answering the questions I ask, like when I said to her a thank you would be really lovely all I got back was; she is very grateful to everyone who gave her money.
I feel like texting to say I can’t believe that (nieces name) doesn’t want to phone me after receiving such a lot of money. I’m honestly dumb struck that her parents haven’t asked her to call me

Luckygirl thank you for the hug it’s really needed at this time

NannyKisses Fri 03-Jan-20 16:45:15

Thank you CleoPanda. I’m so shocked by their behaviour. We usually get on but this has really hurt me

ladymuck Fri 03-Jan-20 16:51:08

NannyKisses....I'm really sorry that you have been treated so badly by your family. No, you're not over-reacting, £100 is a lot of money but even if you had given a smaller sum, you still deserved a thank you. Just don't bother again and, if they complain, tell them why.

grannyactivist Fri 03-Jan-20 16:56:46

How old is your niece NannyKisses? If she's a teenager then I would have been having conversations with her directly.

PamelaJ1 Fri 03-Jan-20 17:10:06

I would be very cross and hurt.
It is only basic good manners to say thank you.
It does, unfortunately, seem to be getting more common these days.
When my sister once thanked me for a present I sent her daughter I told her she wasn’t doing her DD a favour and she needed to tell her to say thank you herself.
Luckily I have a good relationship with my sister( and I’m the oldest😂) I now get thank yous directly.

J52 Fri 03-Jan-20 17:10:29

Appalling behaviour, although obviously not taught to say thank you properly.
Why not send a text directly to niece saying how happy you were to contribute £100 to her IPad fund and how much you hope she enjoys using it.
A kind of reversal of what she should have sent.
Next year spend your money on a few days away, over Christmas.

love0c Fri 03-Jan-20 17:23:30

NannyKisses do not know what to say really. It may make you feel better to know that my husband and I have felt really bad the whole last two weeks really. Our family came on Boxing Day. One son txt at 6.15 pm to say happy christmas and one son didn't even bother. Never asked what we were going to do on actual day either. This son had had a good amount towards a deposit for a house a few months ago and another large amount for a, shall I say a really needed something. We coughed up as usual. My point being this is our actual son. Seems we are only thought of when something is needing doing or money is needed. Feeling very hurt and tearful over it. No doubt it will pass. However, we have really decided not to be so available and hold back on all the giving. Suggest you most certainly do the same. I realise it is not all but so many young people are so flipping selfish. They only think about themselves.

FlexibleFriend Fri 03-Jan-20 17:30:50

Undeserving obnoxious selfish people, in future spend the money on yourself.

SalsaQueen Fri 03-Jan-20 17:33:53

I think your SIL and your brother are rude, selfish and unkind.

I understand that today's kids all seem to want ipads and such (my own GDs have them), but that's up to the parents to by them, and if the girl hadn't got enough money to get one, tough - she should have had to wait/save up/go without, or let the parents get a used one.

NannyKisses Fri 03-Jan-20 17:36:35

J52 she’s only just got a Mobile phone so I don’t have her number, should I ask for it? What would all of you lovely people do?
I feel like texting my half brother & saying how much I’m hurt. But Iv very little friends & family I don’t want to lose anymore x

NannyKisses Fri 03-Jan-20 17:38:11

Grannyactivist shes 10yrs old x

NannyKisses Fri 03-Jan-20 17:41:43

SalsaQueen, I was told after I had given the money that my niece didn’t have to dip into her own savings because of me!!! If I’d known that before maybe I wouldn’t of given so much. You’re right about everything you said x

love0c Fri 03-Jan-20 17:45:50

That is the situation for us NannyKisses. Just ours sons. My friends who have large families do have problems like us one way and another but seem to get over it more easily due to the fact that they always have family members to be with during the hard times. I do feel this would make a difference to anyone. You would not feel so isolated with the hurt.

NannyKisses Fri 03-Jan-20 17:47:20

Love0c, I feel awful for you too. My own D has done that to me many times but I have to put up with it or her H stops me seeing my GD’s, thankfully we get on well after some awful years, but I’m always worried if I do or say the wrong thing. Hugs to you x

NannyKisses Fri 03-Jan-20 17:51:17

Hi & thank you all for replying it really means such a lot.

Would you all leave it & not say anything else or would you ask for your nieces number to ask if she’s enjoying her iPad or would text your half brother & tell him how you’re feeling? X

NannyKisses Fri 03-Jan-20 18:13:06

love0c, you are so totally right. I have a couple of friends 300 miles away that have big families & things seem so much easier for them. My problem is because I live alone with a few bad health problems with having just 1 Daughter & a son in law who doesn’t like me makes me very lonely & gives me too much time to think. I wish I could be one of those people who doesn’t let things bother them. Life can be hard x

inkycog Fri 03-Jan-20 18:13:48

I would give somebody something freely or not at all.

Namsnanny Fri 03-Jan-20 18:21:12

I wouldn't text half brother. If they feel deep in their heart of hearts they are behaving badly, they will just take it out on you by visiting or contacting you even less than now.
Or if you do decide to tell him the truth as you see it, be prepared for the back lash and the possibility of never seeing them again.

Maybe you can leave it a little time before trying to contact the niece and saying what J52 suggested - a reversal thank you!
Leaving time makes it seem like you arnt 'forcing' them (which I know you're not, but...) to own up to her obviously rude and hurtful behaviour. It looks more like a general enquiry.

Don't know if the above is of any use, others may have differing ideas.
Good luck