UPDATE on MIL stops by unannounced

Thanks, GagaJo I like to be sure I have a bra on and my house isn't a disaster. It is just making my life smaller than it has to be.

Hi ExD1938 I prefer my baby not to be cuddled so much. She's fussy enough as it is. In Canada we always call or text to make sure it's okay. No dropping by, especially because the traffic is TERRIBLE where we live.

What a shame that your in-laws are just not listening to your simple request to be called first to see if it's convenient, for them to call round to see the baby.
Posters have mentioned that because of language differences they may not fully understand your request but your husband who is Italian, has spoken to them about this.
Others have mentioned cultural differences, and fair enough, Italian families are probably more in each other's pockets but that works both ways and the In-laws are not considering your cultural differences.
They are being rude by calling round and looking through your windows, so the next time they knock on your door unannounced, ignore them and if they peer through your windows and knock on them, ignore them and if they look through and see you eye to eye, ignore them.
It is up to you to be consistent in what you say, the more you keep letting them in, the more they will think it is ok.
If they complain that you saw them and ignored them, just tell them they should have given you a call first.
If all this fails, I would consider moving further away from them as your husband suggested or move back to Canada as you seem to want to do.
Also, I'd rethink them having the baby when you go back to work, as I can see problems with that, if they can't seem to follow your requests.

I'm trying to support Naty here too although I do see her inability to see the problem from the 'other side' difficult to understand.
Selling up and moving could be difficult especially as the property was a generous gift from your inlaws and your husband had renovated for you. Would finances allow you an extended holiday back in Canada?
Alternatively is there an English speaking ex-pat community in your area (not necessarily Canadian, possibly Australian or British or American)? You strike me as isolated and thus at the mercy of uninvited drop-ins from your extended family. They possibly think you are lonely, and you are obviously not content.
Do follow up the PND option - its not a sign of weakness but a real illness, and it can strike many months after the birth (not to be confused with what in my day were called "the four day blues" which seemed to descent a day or two after the birth when your milk comes in. (There's an old fashioned one for you to laugh about).
Be kind to yourself Naty.

Why is the OP so keen to share all this with a load of grandparents? Wouldn’t she be better off on Mumsnet?

Don’t say she wanted our sage advice because she’s been given lots and just ignores what doesn’t suit ?

Naty's problems sound cross-cultural more than anything. Italian grandparenting v British(?) grandparenting.

I suggest she talks to some of the Italian young mothers among her friends to find out what the national norm is and then negotiates with PiL, telling them that she is struggling find a balance between Italian grandparenting and the cultural norms she is used to. Perhaps if they understood the problem they would be more willing to adjust.

I feel at the moment that, to mix metaphors Naty has backed herself into a corner and now believes digging a hole to hide in would help. It won't.

Now is the time to take a big breath, relax and start again. Try talking to and explaining to your PiL where you are coming from, that you find Italian grandparenting, very different to what you are used to, that in your country they do thingd differently and explain what they are and then ask for PiL for their co-operation in finding away through that leaves all of you happy.

Having said that, a friend of mine had an over intrusive mother who, fortunately, couldn't drive. They moved to a house not too far from her mother, that was not on a direct bus or train route.

To visit them she had to rely on them coming and collecting her. It worked a treat. They saw her regularly, but only when it was convenient. Job done.

If I foisted myself 4-5 times a week on my DD and DGD who live locally I would drive her up the wall, I’m sure. I can’t understand the lack of empathy towards Naty. In-law’s behaviour is suffocating. I would not dream of undermining my DD and how she raises her child. When in my care I will never give her sweets as that is DD’s wish. I’d be extremely concerned about issues re: car seats. I’m not sure how old your child is but I’d try and get along to some activities geared towards babies/toddlers.

I can understand how this could be very annoying to some people who are very protective of their own and their family's privacy and who have very specific ideas about child care.

It's rather unfortunate that you're living in a country where families tend to have a more inter-generational approach and are more child focused. Your expectations of family life appear to be very different from theirs. You seem to see the wider family as something to be kept at arm's length, whereas I think Italian families tend to be much closer, and getting involved is probably seen as being helpful and friendly rather than interfering.

You do seem to be quite protective of your baby and perhaps a little reluctant for her to develop relationships outside of yourself and your husband - and you seem to accept that even "Daddy" comes second to "Mummy" in being baby's best friend. Babies and young children pick up on these signals and this can create, or reinforce, a perception of fear about the world outside the perceived safety of the nuclear family, and a tendency to becoming clinging and needy.

Personally, I think it is a mistake to shut out other people while children are babies or very young. I think to do so can affect a child's ability to feel safe and comfortable with different sorts of people, and confident in interacting with them. Feeling reasonably able to function independently and comfortably in a variety of social situations is, I believe, a very important part of a child's development.

It seems that this is becoming such a problem for you both and, if compromises can't be made and bridges built by both "parties", there is probably no alternative but to move somewhere much less accessible to your husband's family. You say this was your husband's suggestion and described it as "OTT" but isn't it even more OTT to threaten to leave with the child and force your husband to join you?

I am trusting I am not being naive and this is not some sort of spoof OP based on current events.

Thank goodness for GagaJo providing an empathetic response. It’s always the same few that provide sniping criticism throughout. Obviously they feel they should control all boards.
I had my first child at 35, old enough to be sure about what was needed - so I thought. I hadn’t reckoned on the birth coinciding with my MinLs retirement. Always an organised woman, I hadn’t realised how domineering she could be. Particularly when her first grandchild wasn’t being brought up the way she thought was right. It took all our combined strength and will to continue to do what we felt was right. It wad never advice, it was outright sometimes shouted criticism. On the one occasion she was asked to babysit she went through our personal papers and gave us ‘advice’ on that!
It wasn’t a happy time and I’d suggest that Naty is experiencing similar turmoil in handling the perhaps uncontrollable force of her in laws. Additionally, I suspect she’s little support nearby. Look after your child and support your husband in supporting you. And please do post if you need support from here. Ignore the tight minded control freaks.

Bibbity

I agree with bbc dwil.
However, that board doesn't joke around. Just be prepared.
Don't go there if you want to vent

Look. This is not the place for all of this.

Google DWIL. That’s the place you belong.

I do wonder if there is a little bit of PND in action here. Whilst I have some sympathy with the poster objecting to in-laws just dropping in if she is not used to that sort of thing, I do think that maybe there are other things going on making it become a bit of an obsession.

Did she really want to move to Italy or is she resenting the move a little?

I do agree with Madgran that a family conference is needed to thrash this all out and arrange some compromises. Is there a close friend who could sit in purely to keep the heat down?

Yes, go...I hear that Vancouver Island is nice and private...

After all this time, I feel you need to seek help as its obviously impossible for you to adapt to Italian ways. As English is their second language they obviously have no idea HOW MUCH you resent what they see as their help (which you are interpreting as interference and downright spying).
I wonder what they think of your need for privacy? Can you look at it from their point of view (is that possible?).
Another thought is - are there any other sons and daughters apart from your DH? If so, do they have babies?
Could they help put your feelings across to the GPs?
And finally - do you have a job to go back to, or will you be job-seeking?

Hetty, I am not going to respond to your negativity. I support Naty. That is all.

''The house was a gift, restored by my husband. The land was inherited by DHs father and put aside for his son, who was going to renovate it whether married or not.''

so I agree with grannymy- that is too close, and in the Italian culture- makes you dependant to some extent. They know that you probably could never have afforded such a house and land- unless it was passed down the family. That does not make them right - but it is the reality. I don't think they will change- and I can't imagine you trusting them when you expect them to take over childcare duties- your expectations and cultural background are far too different.

I don’t think this situation will change, I would move away and just maybe things could be better between the families, you are far too close, I wouldn’t want in laws or anyone looking through my windows it’s just plain rude. It seems as though your in-laws are desperate to see hold etc your child, your FIL comments he hasn’t seen the baby in 4 days, To me this is overbearing I’d be stifled! The trouble is you are too close.

Did anyone else pick up on the phrase “needy baby”? It sounds as if the tension is being felt by the baby as well as the mother, which can’t be good for anyone.

Time to actually DO something, Naty, because nobody is benefiting from the current situation.

My baby will watch DVDs after the age of two. She doesn't watch anything atm. The baby will be bilingual, but we want her to watch English media to build up her exposure to the language to facilitate this (She will learn much more from you though, speaking English to her, singing English nursery rhymes, reading English books to her and telling her the English words for everything she sees and interacting in English)
They often didn't put their other grandkids in carseats. I've been a witness to this. And yes, it's a law here in Italy

I apologise if I misunderstood your comment about watching English DVDs we give them rather than Italian cartoons , it certainly sounded as if your baby was being exposed to them now. To me these are non- negotiable areas (DVDs and the car seat) and do investigate plantation shutters!
I am sorry if I came across as unsympathetic earlier, I really didn’t mean to but I do suspect you are drowning in Italian backwoods tradition! My youngest grandchild is 9 months and he is the first grandchild for DD’s in-laws, they too have done the odd thing to cause my DD to breathe deeply and just smile-leaving SIL to put them right (in the nicest possible way)
One involved turning up on their doorstep unannounced when the baby was 2 weeks old (actually they were out!) -in-laws live 50 miles away, and the other involved buying him rusks when DD had categorically said she did not want him to have them because of the sugar content. I have learned the “hard way” and keep my counsel, await invitations and make NO comment about “baby led weaning”. Actually my dog loves it when they visit because she can hoover up the debris under the high chair!

BlueBelle, spot on! We've been over (and over) this a few times before. I will post what I think, thanks GagaJo, - I don't need your permission.

I think Naty will be happier when she is back at work. She won't be home so much then to fret about visits. Somebody who says she has a Psychology degree should have far more insight, don't you think?

Sometimes the help needed is having a chat with sympathetic people. NOT that everyone on here IS sympathetic. But maybe enough of us are to be of help. A listening ear.

Is this Post Natal Depression? or just a culture clash?
Being from a rural background myself, I cannot understand this need for privacy - honestly folks - don't you get very lonely if you are banning any casual visitors to your home? Do you spend all day alone with a baby?
And asking a man to move from a large property that he's been gifted and has renovated is surely not on?
There's a real problem here or she wouldn't be asking for help again. Obviously last time she didn't get the help she needed.

In my opinion not only should you tell them you are thinking of moving you should actually move, this is not going to get better.

To those that are saying we advised before so why are you asking again, the previous advice did not work.

I think you live too close for comfort. I would move. My parents lived across a main road from me and never just "popped in." I wouldn't have wanted that. I like to know when to expect people.

I have to say I wouldn’t want anyone arriving without any prior notice - and then peering in windows to see whether I was in. I’m not over touchy or particular, but I’d find it very intrusive, so you have my sympathy there.

My in-laws would never have done it. It’s a question of basic manners and consideration to ring in advance and ask whether it’s convenient.

Having said that, I know it’s considered normal in some families in the U.K. as well as elsewhere, for people to be in and out of each others’ houses without prior notice or knocking/ringing. And families who find this perfectly normal are apt to think that e.g. a new DiL who doesn’t like it is being ‘difficult’, so I’d guess that you could be up against a basic cultural difference here.